How to be Great in Bed by my Evil Twin, Sophia

Disclaimer One: This post is going to be about sex.  If your relationship with me is such that you don’t want to read me writing about sex, you can either a) not read this, or b) read this resting assured that it wasn’t written by me; it was written by my evil twin Sophia.  You know what’s not an option?  Reading it and then complaining to me that you didn’t want to read me writing about sex.

Disclaimer Two: My evil twin Sophia is extremely self-absorbed.  Her advice is mainly aimed at straight, cisgendered males wishing to know how to be great in bed with their cisgendered, straight (or bisexual) female lovers, because that’s what she knows. Fortunately for the rest of you, a lot of the advice crosses orientations and genders.

Hello, darlings!  Sophia here!  Ooh, I’m so excited to talk to you all; my goody-two-shoes twin almost never lets me out to play!  Now, I must add my own disclaimer to hers.  Darlings, this column is not called “How to be Acceptably Satisfactory in Bed.” This is called “How to be GREAT in Bed.”  You may read some of my advice and say to yourself, “But that is so very difficult!”  Or, “But what about my orgasm?”  And my only answer to you can be, I am here to teach you how to be great in bed.  If you are not up to the challenge, this you will have to address with yourself, not with me.

I am starting this list with the assumption that you have a certain basic level of knowledge.  You know to shower and brush your teeth and wear deodorant and clean under your nails.  You know that your clothing should be, if not the first stare of fashion, then at least clean and free of holes.  You know that you must, in fact, be able to say, “Hello, my name is John.  What’s yours?” to a woman with whom you’d like to have sex before anything can happen.

So with that established, we begin!

1. PAY ATTENTION.There is a person in the bed (or wherever.  We understand that the bed is a metaphor for wherever you are having sex, yes?) with you.  That person’s reactions are more important than the reactions Jasmyn Juggsmith you saw on the classic film “Hot Girls Who Are Paid to Fake Orgasms”.  That person’s reactions are also more important than the reactions of the last person in your bed. Darlings, they are even more important than what I, Sophia, have to say. Remember, nothing about sex is a reward for doing things”right.”  Everything about sex is a fun and fabulous adventure with a willing and eager partner.  If it’s not that, it’s not great.

So look at her.  (Or him.  Or zher.  I am not nearly so self-absorbed as Erica seems to think I am.)  Is her breathing shallower than normal?  Are her eyes dark and heavy-lidded?  Is her skin red?  Is she shivering where you touch her, or moving parts of her body to be more easily accessible to you?  Is she screaming, “Oh, yes, yes, God, please, more!” If the answer to all of these questions is “No,” you are not being great in bed.  Try something else.  And when you do hear her breath catch or you see her skin flush or she screams out, “Oh, yes, yes, God, please!” remember for next time what made her feel like that so you can do it again.

You know, “paying attention” is good advice in general.  The way to get along with anyone, in or out of bed, is to pay attention to what they actually like and respond appropriately.  Right?

Oh, darling, people are here for the sex tips.  Not your nice-girl prating.

But my twin is right.  Pay attention out of bed, too.  For instance, if you put your hand on her lower back as you approach her at a party, and she leans back into your hand and smiles at you?  Then she might like to be touched there when you are in a more intimate setting, too.

Then again, she might not.  Pay attention!

“But, Sophia, why must I pay attention to all of these cues?  Why can a woman not just say, ‘Oh, I like it when you put your hand there,’ rather than me having to tell if she likes it?”

My first answer to this question is that if you want things to be easy for you, you will not be great in bed.  People are not easy.  Being great at anything is not easy.  You want great, you have to work for it. 

My second answer is, this is all fine and well, sometimes, and darlings, please, if you like something your lover is doing, by all means, let them know.  But if entire sex acts can take place and your lover can still form the sentence, “Oh, I like it when you put your hand there,” this is not great sex.

2. IT’S NOT JUST ABOUT THE SEX. For a woman, in particular (and for all I know this is true of men, too, though they’d never admit it, the darlings),  everything that leads up to the sex is important.  You cannot simply knock on her door, take her in your arms, and fuck her right away.  Unless you have already shown her what a wonderful lover you are and she is, in fact, eager to be reminded of that the minute you walk in. Which she may not be for any number of reasons, having nothing to do with you.  Perhaps she is very hungry and does, in fact, wish to be taken out for dinner first. Perhaps she is in the middle of a brilliant idea for a column and she just doesn’t want to be bothered at the moment.  I understand that for women involved in long-term arrangements in which their lovers live with them and even reproduce with them, issues such as who has put away the dishes or minded the child come into play, too.  I don’t know, darlings.  Sophia would never engage in such tedious activities.  My dishes are washed by-

They’re washed by me, Sophia.  Me.

Ah, that’s right.  Thank you, darling!

So if she does not wish to jump you the minute you walk through the door?  Well, it is difficult, darlings, and I don’t envy you the task of making a woman feel desired and desirable without crossing over into being foolish and/or creepy.  How do you know the difference between leering in a gross and vulgar manner at her breasts, and giving her an appreciative glance that will put a spring in her step and a positive outlook regarding sex with you?

Well, I could give you all sorts of instructions regarding the length of the gaze and its direction and its timing.  But these kinds of details are not for the persons aspiring to be great in bed. These minor details are for the persons who have never talked to people before. For you, who I will assume, have talked to people before, and maybe have even had sex with one or two of them, I can say that it is the attitude behind the glance that is important. If your attitude is “Gah . . . breasts . . .” there is nothing I can do for you.  Even if your attitude is, “Sophia told me to look at her breasts because it will make her feel sexy and then I will get laid!” this is not going to make you great in bed.  If your attitude is, “Although I am completely absorbed by your intellect and your humor, I have just noticed that you also have incredibly enticing breasts and I’m sure you would enjoy it if I touched them later,” you are going to be doing better.

Also, kissing.  Kissing should not be done only with the end goal of sex in mind. Kissing should be done frequently. Kissing should be done even if you know for sure it will not just be hours but perhaps a day before you can actually have sex. (I am told by some that it is sometimes a matter of more than one day before you can have sex with your lover.  I am mind-boggled by this.)  And it should be done for its own pleasure.

“But, Sophia, you don’t understand.  Guys don’t LIKE kissing unless it leads to sex.  You can’t expect guys to just kiss without wanting more. It’s not fun for us.”

Oh, darling.  Women want to have sex with men, not guys.  If kissing, by itself, is not fun for you, you will never be great in bed, and there is nothing more I can say to you on the subject.

3. SEX IS NOT A RACE TO THE FINISH LINE.  There is no fun, or greatness, to be had if your mindset is, “First, I will make her come, and then I will come, and then we will be finished.”  Certainly, satisfactory sex can be had with those conditions. But great sex?  Never.

Nor can great sex be had with the mindset of “If I can make her come x number of times, I am a Fantastic Lover and I can put my name up on the bulletin board of Fantastic Lovers.”  To be a great lover, you cannot be more interested in your own orgasm, or in your own pride, than you are in her pleasure.  And while orgasms are a necessary condition for her pleasure, they are not nearly sufficient.

The mindset behind being a great lover is, “Let me make you feel wonderful.”  If the two (or more) of you are not engaged in the adventure of making each other feel wonderful, it is not great sex.  Whenever and however the orgasms occur is irrelevant. You should spend as much time enjoying each other as is possible without losing your jobs, starving to death, or boring each other.

4. PLAY.  A playful attitude towards the whole endeavor is necessary to be great in bed.  This is for two reasons.  One is that, as I have been saying, great sex is an adventure two (or more) people share.  You cannot have a great adventure if you are not willing to have fun.  The second is that things happen in bed which do not always match the image we have of it in our heads.  Someone will fall off a bed.  Someone’s body will make a totally unexpected noise.  Someone’s roommate or godforbid mother will enter the room unexpectedly.  And these adventures multiply when one does leave the actual bedroom.  One must have a sense of humor – and, above all, a “we’re in this together” attitude – in order to have great sex in a climate of imperfection.

5. BE PASSIONATE.  A woman likes to feel that you are driven mad with lust by the mere whiff of her shampoo.  Allow her to feel that.

Again there is a balance problem here.  How does one do this while not being foolish or creepy?  Well, darlings, one must keep in mind that if you are due at a dinner party being hosted in her honor and she has a freshly made-up face and a rather delicate hairdo, then pushing her up against the door and kissing her senseless is not the thing to do at this moment.  Growling in her ear that you’d like to do such a thing, and/or doing so when you get home afterwards, those are perfectly wonderful ideas.

And of course one must not forget rule #1.  There are women, I have heard, who do not appreciate being pushed up against a door and kissed senseless.  I do not understand these women, but there you are.  If you are not reasonably certain your lover would like such activity, don’t do it.  And if you can’t figure out whether she would, then try telling her you’d like to and see how she reacts. If she slaps you or frowns at you or rolls her eyes, she doesn’t want you to do that.  If she looks you in the eye and smiles, or blushes and bites her lip, or does one of the other many things she does to indicate she’s pleased, she probably does.

It is extremely important, too, to express this passion when your lover is not all dressed up.  When you grab her and kiss her thoroughly while she is in sweats and a ponytail, flushed and sweaty from a morning run, or when she is just exiting the shower, or has just woken up in the morning and has make-up smudges and morning breath, this will be very impressive to her.  Women like to feel that you are quite enamored of them, and not only the feminine masks they put on for the world’s benefit.

It is, however, important not to interrupt her while she is talking, unless you a) do this very rarely, and b) end the kiss and say, “I’m so sorry, darling, please finish that fascinating story you were just telling me.”  Remember that even Jordan Catalano couldn’t get away with this with Angela Chase.  Women like to feel that you enjoy their personalities as much as you do their bodies.

6. BE SENSITIVE.  I am not talking about being in touch with your feelings.  Most men are plenty in touch with their own feelings.  I am talking about being in touch with hers.

Yes! That’s exactly it, Sophia! Men hear “sensitive” and think that what we mean is, “cries at the sunset.”  We don’t!  We mean, you understand why we’re crying, and you respond appropriately!

Darling, that may be true but that is not at all what I mean.  This is what I mean – the clitoris is more sensitive than you think it is.  Approach with caution and delicacy.

In fact, in the beginning, approach everything with caution and delicacy.  And then follow guideline #1 to determine where it would be appropriate to be less delicate.  And if you don’t know, ask.

“But, Sophia, ‘asking’ takes all the fun out of it!  I mean, what are you supposed to do, get a signed contract for everything you want to do?”

Darlings, no one is that good at guessing.  Sometimes you need to ask.  And it is ever so easy to make this process extremely sexy and fun because you can start with the questions you already know the answer to.  Imagine, for example, that you are kissing the spot where her neck curves into her shoulder.  You already know she likes this because she is panting and clinging to your shoulders and hooking her leg around your hip.  So you say, “Do you enjoy it when I kiss you here?  What about here?  What if I touch you here while I kiss you there?  And if I squeeze a little harder?”

Excuse me.  I must lie down a moment.  I will return.

Thank you, darlings.  Sometimes Sophia enjoys too much imagining these scenarios for you to continue typing.

Taking things slow and making sure you have tacit or explicit consent for each and every activity also increases the very sexiest thing in the world – ANTICIPATION.  A person who is truly great in bed knows how to make her beg for more, and then wait, wait, wait, and wait some more before giving it to her.

7. THINK OUTSIDE HER BOX.  A woman’s lips, her breasts, her pudenda – these are all places with many nerve endings and it can be very delightful when you kiss them, or lick them, or tickle them gently with your fingers, or do any manner of other delightful things to and with them.

But there is a whole body there and a lot of it can feel very good.  Some women (not Sophia, but some) like the backs of their knees.  Some women enjoy their ears, or their backs, or their feet being the focus of some attention.  Some women enjoy fantasies involving being tied up, or tying their lover up.  Some women enjoy being outdoors, or in public.  I cannot tell more specifically what your lover likes; that is why you must always, always, always look to rule #1.  But know that there is more to making a woman feel good than hitting particular points on her body. 

Also, please understand that when I said that Jasmyn Juggsmith’s reactions don’t count, I did not mean to imply that you should not watch porn.  By all means, watch porn. Read erotic stories and romance novels. Look at dirty pictures. For one thing, this activity can be fun and delightful, alone or with your lover, and really, do you need another reason to do something?  For another, it may, in fact, suggest good ideas.  Just remember the source.  Jasmyn Juggsmith does not sit on her lover’s lap facing away from him because she finds it delightful.  She does so because then the camera can see all of her and not so much of him while providing a clear shot of the fact that they are, in fact, having sex.  Am I saying this position is no fun for anyone?  No, of course not. I’m sure it is delightful for some.  All I am saying is, some things look better than they feel.  Some things, when written down, sound better than they are.  So you must ask your lover what they might like to try, either explicitly or tacitly. And then pay attention to the answers.

And really, darlings, “tacitly” is not applicable to all situations. “Might she like it if I nibble on her earlobe?” can be asked tacitly, by nibbling on her earlobe and seeing how she responds.  ”Might she like it if I spank her with this hairbrush?” should be asked explicitly, before such an activity takes place.

“But what if she wants for me to rip off her clothes, throw her face-down on the bed and enter her immediately without saying a word? What if she is waiting for me to divine this from the heavens?”  Darling, if that’s what she really wants and expects without saying anything about it to you, she is trouble.

Well, darlings, thank you so much for entertaining my musings on this very important subject.  I leave you with this final thought.  Never, never, never forget that sex is not an exchange of services.  She doesn’t owe you an orgasm because you gave her one.  She doesn’t owe you a blow job because you went down on her.  She doesn’t owe you the opportunity to have sex with her because you let her cry on her shoulder about that other asshole she was dating.  If you think she does, you’re just the next asshole she may or may not date.  Sex is either a wonderful adventure you engage in with the full and equal participation of a partner or partners, or it is nothing, darlings.  Nothing.

Thanks, my regular readers, for indulging my evil twin. If you want to hear more from her, write me at raspberrylimericki@gmail.com with inquiries, especially about relationships -

Relationships? Ha, darling. I am interested in hearing questions about SEX.

- and sex and we’ll both take a go at them. Bye!