Emmys Fashion

My loving sister sent me this linkthis morning, and herewith are my comments. The numbers correspond to the number of the photo in the slideshow.

1. Heidi Klum be looking skinny.
2. January Jones needs hair and makeup (and maybe jewelry) to stand up to that dress. Which is quite a dress. Which is not to say I like it. Or that I don’t. I’m undecided on the dress. But from the neck down, it’s, “I’m an edgy TV star at a glamorous event!” and from the neck up (facial expression included), it’s “What? I brushed my hair, didn’t I? What more do I need to do for a simple run to the grocery store?”
3. Peggy looks slim! The dress is fine. It would look better on a taller woman but it’s inoffensive.
6. I love the color of Kyra Sedgwick’s gown.
7. Anna Paquin . . . that is . . . You know what that is? Much like January Jones, it is a lack of commitment to a look, only on her, the lack of commitment is all in the garment. What did they do, run out of metal coins? Her boobs are ready to go to war against Troy; the rest of her is still being pinned in preparation for a fashion student’s “Draping 101” class. If you’re going to go for a look, particularly a crazy one, GO FOR IT.

8. Tina Fey looks about as good as she ever does on the red carpet. It’s like she’s embarrassed that she’s good-looking.
9. I was going to leave Neil Patrick Harris and his partner alone, because, boys, who cares? But I’m sort of bothered by the term “expectant father.” Isn’t only a pregnant woman “expectant”? Couldn’t they be “expecting a child” rather than “expectant”? But as a note, I hope the sperm came from Neil Patrick Harris. We need more of him running around.

10. Sofia Vergara looks awesome! I think the haters who accuse her of pageant-ness are jealous of those curves.

11. Julie Bowen . . . is usually so pretty. What is going on here? Does her stylist secretly hate her? I hate every moment of that look.
12. I’m not so huge a fan of Claire Danes’s look. I mean, the dress is pretty and she looks fine, but she looks like every pretty blonde Hollywood extra ever. She doesn’t really look like *her*.
13. When I first glanced at the photo of Lea Michele I thought she was Penelope Cruz. And I thought, “Well, Penelope Cruz always looks awesome, of course.” So good job, Lea Michele! The bangs look okay to me.
14. Eva Longoria Parker needs some lipstick.
15. Jennifer Westfeldt (the girl lucky enough to be with Jon Hamm) is blonder than she used to be. Which is also contributing to a certain generic-ness. But she does have the night’s best accessory.
16. I don’t know who Nina Dobrev is but damn is she itty-bitty. Like the dress, though.
17. I thought Edie Falco was Helen Mirren at first. I need to keep reminding myself that these are the Emmys, not the Oscars. She looks nice, but she, too, could do with a little lipstick.
18. Oh no! I hate Christina Hendrick’s dress! I love her so much! How could she go out looking like Dolly Parton in a nightgown circa 1974? (Which is a look Dolly Parton could rock. But only Dolly Parton.)

22. Kate Gosselin gets to go to these things? What is the world coming to?
23. I like Toni Colette’s dress, but seriously, what is with hair and makeup tonight? Are hair and makeup artists on a strike?
24. Juliana Marguiles looks frickin’ tiny. Like, out of proportion tiny. Is she leaning towards the camera?
27. Keri Russel looks nice but . . . she knows she’s at an awards ceremony and not her sister’s bridal shower, right?
28. Wanda Sykes has much bigger boobs than I thought.
29. Julia Louis-Dreyfus looks unfortunate. I hate flat hair on her. I hope she hasn’t been listening to Patti Stanger.

30. I have seen the dress Dianna Agron is wearing before. I can’t place it. She’s looked better; it’s a little too much look for a small girl like her. She remains gorgeous, though.

31. Kelly Osborne has lost a massive amount of weight since the last time I paid attention, which, admittedly, was probably a few years ago. But she always styles herself to look older than she is, I feel.
32. Cheryl Hines – LIPSTICK. The dress is nice, though.
33. What is going on with Lauren Graham? She’s so pretty! That dress sucks! Maybe she shares a stylist with Julie Bowen. Maybe said stylist was made fun of a lot in high school for being ugly and not wearing normal clothes, so now she gets her revenge on pretty actresses by making them look HORRENDOUS.

34. Jewel looks awful. The whole thing is just unfortunate.

35. Carrie Preston looks awesome. Do you know she’s married to Ben Linus in real life? Do you know I once saw Ben Linus on stage? Ask me all about it some time.

43. Seriously, Rita Wilson (Tom Hanks’s wife) has been doing this for a while. Doesn’t she know better?
44. I love Julia Ormond’s dress and color.
47. Padma Lakshmi looks awesome!
48. I hate Emily Deschanel’s bangs. I’m not sure how I feel about the dress.
51. Jayma Mays looks awesome! Her hair looks great!
55. I think Santana looks a lot more pageanty than Sofia Vergara. Especially with those bangs.

57. You know, the thing is, that’s not even a very good Mad-Men-esque dress. And furthermore, even if it were a better version of itself, it’s what Joan Harris nee Holloway would wear to work. On a Saturday. Not what she’d wear to a fancy event. We’ve seen Joan get dressier than that for a night of clubbing with her lesbian roommate. So not
only is it not a nice dress, and not a fancy enough dress, it misses the point of the early ’60s lifestyle that people who like Mad Men fetishize, the point of being more formal and glamorous than we ever are in daily life.

58. That’s nicer than I’ve ever seen Jenna Ushkowitz look on a red carpet.

I am now perhaps recognizing that my extreme dislike of the makeup on display might not be the fault of these ladies or of their make-up artists. It might just be that they do these red carpets in the blazing California sun and that’s what’s washing everyone out. But I stand by the rest of my opinions.

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