Hello. You’re a Girl.

And here’s what you’re going to be hearing for your entire life:

Guys want to fuck you. It’s not a compliment, they want to fuck just about anything that moves. Badly. They won’t really care about anything else to do with you except whether you are willing to have sex with them. They don’t want to talk to you or hear your opinions or go out to brunch with you. And they’re right, too. Your opinions are stupid. So is brunch. You know why it’s stupid? Because it’s the kind of thing girls like to do, that’s why. But you can use their single-minded and stupid-making desire to have sex to make them do other things that you like. Such as shopping. Or making babies.

Because it goes without saying that you don’t like sex. You’re a girl. It’s icky. I mean, it’s fine if it gets a ring on your finger and all. And kissing and cuddling are fun. But actual, like, sexual desire? The deep and instinctual need to pound your body against someone else’s until you come? No. You never feel that way. Unless you’re some kind of gross, dirty slut. Guys never give rings or babies to dirty sluts.

Of course, when we said guys want to fuck any girl, we didn’t mean you. You’re kind of . . . well, you could use some improvements. It’s a good thing we have this thing to sell you that will fix all the things about you that will turn a man off. Well, as long as you keep buying what we’re selling for infinity. Even after you get the ring. Because he’ll leave or cheat if you don’t stay fuckable. It won’t be his fault. It’ll be the other woman’s, for being a dirty slut. And yours. For not staying fuckable.

Here’s what’s wrong with you: Cankles. Bad skin. Lack of confidence. Too much confidence – who do you think you are, with those cankles? Intelligence. Stupidity. Weird boobs. Shoes that are so five minutes ago. You’re fat. You’re not fat, but you still have jiggly parts. You are not fat, but you lack boobs and a butt. You can’t cook. You can cook, and that’s what’s making you fat. Or boring and too much like his mother. You’re not enough like his mother. Women from her generation knew how to treat men. You can’t dance. You can dance – too sexily. He thinks you’re a dirty slut now. He’ll fuck you, but he won’t marry you.

Which is too bad because didn’t we mention? You don’t like sex. It’s icky. Plus you hate the way your thighs look naked and that makes you too self-conscious to enjoy yourself during sex. And why is it, exactly, that you’re so insecure about your thighs? Insecurity is unattractive.

But guys hate it when you act like you don’t like sex, especially when they’re having sex with you. They like it when you act like a porn star. But not too experienced or anything. They don’t like thinking about any other men you might have allowed to have sex with you. So act like a virgin. Except not nervous or inexperienced or unskilled. Like a girl who’s in her first porn movie ever. That’s how you should act.

Also, even though you don’t like sex, remember that nothing is important about you except whether guys want to fuck you or not. If guys don’t want to fuck you (which they don’t, because did we mention that you have totally weird shoulder blades and oddly shaped labia?) you are invisible. You don’t exist. You are vapor. People’s eyes will pass over you as if you literally don’t exist. So you better spend a lot of your time trying to attract a certain kind of attention that obviously, you don’t even want. But if you don’t attract it, no man will ever marry you, and that will be the ultimate symbol of your total failure to be a woman.

But wait, there’s more! If all you do is try to make yourself sexy, then you’re a dopey bimbo. You should have a career. You should make money (although not as much money as any of your potential sexual partners). You should do something Important or Cool, and preferably sexy and feminine, but it’s okay if the job is a little masculine if you look good doing it. You should have hobbies and interests and friends (but none that you wouldn’t drop in a minute for the right guy). You should be smart without being nerdy or threatening, and funny without being gross or too, you know, into laughing about girl stuff. You should be good at stuff, maybe even one or two masculine things, like darts or punching. (But not better! Never better!)

But never forget this – even if you are a PI in pencil skirts and stilettos who graduated summa cum laude and you love Will Ferrell and the Green Bay Packers, if you have cankles and bad hair, you’re just a desperate whore and no one will want to fuck you.

And it’s worse than no one will want to fuck you. Well, not worse. Because nothing is worse than no one wanting to fuck you. But there are other bad things, too. If you can’t manage to occupy that exact space between fuckable but not slutty, you won’t get the career opportunities that prettier but less slutty girls get. People will care a lot less if you go missing or if you’re the victim of violence. And no one will believe you if you accuse someone of rape. Because either you were obviously asking for it, come on, or there’s no way anyone would want to have sex with you badly enough to force the issue.

And we haven’t even gotten started! Just wait until you become a mother! (What do you mean, you’re not having kids? Weirdo. Well, you’ll change your mind eventually, we’re sure.)

Have a nice life!

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2 thoughts on “Hello. You’re a Girl.

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