Hello, You’re a Boy

So last week I posted “Hello, You’re a Girl” and received a massive outcry. “What about boys?” they all said.

I’m lying. I didn’t receive any outcry. I’d need readers in order to have an outcry.

But I know that boys have it rough, especially these days. Here’s what I know they hear from the moment they’re born: “If you’re not a Dude, you’re obviously some kind of faggot.”

Because being a “faggot” is the worst thing you could be, obviously.

Of course, by “faggot,” we don’t mean “having sex with dudes.” That’s a big part of it, of course, but there are circumstances under which you can have sex with dudes and not be a faggot. The primary one is that you must be the top. Duh. Then there are circumstantial considerations. Are you in prison? Or on a pirate ship? Does the person you’re on top of deserve a good ass-rape because he’s a faggot? Well, then, you’re still a Dude. You’re a rapacious criminal who deserves to be locked up forever, but your dudeliness is uncompromised. And that’s not the only instance where you have to choose between being a Dude and being a Decent Person (or Faggot).

By faggot, we really mean “sort of like a girl.” “Sort of like a girl” is the worst thing you can be except for actually being a girl, which is just gross.  Of course, you should want to have sex with girls, even though they are gross and have cooties. Otherwise, you’re a faggot. But if you want to do anything else with girls, like talk to them, or cuddle with them, or marry and make babies with them, you’re a faggot. And if you share any interests in common with a girl that aren’t clearly staked out as Dude interests, like sports or cars or farting, then you’re a faggot, too.

Are you smaller and/or physically weaker than other Dudes? Then you’re a faggot. Have you ever done anything nice for your mom, sister, or girlfriend? Faggot. Do you have a daughter? Faggot. A real Dude only has sons. Are you, at this moment, drinking a non-light, non-foreign, non-microbrewed beer while EITHER watching a game in which you lettered in high school OR something blow up OR porn? No? Faggot.

Have you ever talked to another dude about how you feel or what you want from life? Have you ever talked to a girl about how you feel or what you want from life? Have you ever been friends with a girl you weren’t trying to sleep with?

Have you ever been beaten in a fistfight, or avoided a fistfight because you knew you would be beaten, or because you didn’t feel it was right to solve a problem with physical violence? What about appreciated a beautiful thing that was not a naked, beautiful-by-stringent-societal-standards woman? Have you ever washed your clothes or your dishes or cooked a meal in a manner that did not mainly involve a microwave or a telephone number?

Have you ever done a favor for a woman you were sleeping with, or agreed to something she wanted to do that you weren’t so keen on, like going to her parents’ anniversary party or picking up your socks?

Have you ever been raped, sexually assaulted, physically assaulted?

Well, you know what you are if you said “yes” to any of these questions.

See, here’s where we’ve screwed up girls – they can either be Perfect or they can not exist. Perfection is unattainable but it’s there, and girls know what it looks like even if they can’t possibly achieve it or even believe in its rightness.

But here’s where we’ve screwed you up – you can’t be a perfect Dude. Nobody is, nobody ever will be. The Dudeliest of all Dudes a) is in prison, and b) has had a moment of being a faggot, too. Maybe he cried on his mommy’s shoulder once, or fell in love with a girl, or sighed at a sunset. Somewhere, somehow, he has not been a Dude. So in order to be a decent person and to have even a whiff of a normal life – one that includes any sort of significant other, one that includes a job, one that includes anyone that can stand being in your company – you have to not be a Dude. You have to do some things, sometimes, that are kind of faggy.

And then you have to sit back and worry that We’re going to come and kick your ass.


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