Erica Answers, Sophia Butts In

Dear Erica/Sophia,

I had been going out with this guy for a few weeks, and made out with him once, when he invited himself up to my apartment. Once we were up there, kept trying to go down on me, and finally I let him. It was nice, but afterwards, he leaned back and said, “My turn.” At this point I thought things were already moving too fast, so I said no, and he pouted a little and then tried to use my guilt over not reciprocating as leverage to spend the night. By then I pretty much wanted him to get the fuck out of my house, so I told him I had to work in the morning and sent him on his way. I feel like I took advantage of him by not returning the favor. What should I have done?

Manhandled in Maine

Oh, good Lord, I’m letting Sophia take this one.

Darling, darling, darling. There are so many things wrong with this question, I don’t know where to start.

I think we start with, you invite to your apartment. Not him.

Then let us visit this – you are dating this man. You have made out with this man. And yet you are reluctant to let him pleasure your body. Why are we dating men to whom we are not attracted?

Sophie, that’s not necessarily the case. Maybe she is attracted, but she wasn’t ready to go that far yet.

I do not understand the words which you are saying to me.

Yeah. I know.

Darling, listen to me. If you are engaged in a passionate interlude with a gentleman and he wishes to pleasure your body and your reaction is not, “Oh, yes, please, darling, do!” you are with the wrong man.

Or it’s just the wrong moment. You know, she liked him enough to be making out but then he went too fast.

But this is what I said, darling. The wrong man.

And as if to prove this point, this “guy,” for I will not call him a man, finished pleasuring you and then said, “My turn”?! Darling, you must spare my poor heart from knowing such callous un-gentlemanly behavior exists. “My turn”?! “My turn”?! Honestly, darling, I am left speechless. Positively speechless. “Pouting”? “Guilt”? He is hardly a man, darling; I am surprised that he possesses the organ with which it might be his “turn.”

I say to him, this is not how to be a lover. A lover delights in his paramour’s body. A lover provides pleasure and accepts graciously the pleasure his paramour offers to him. He does not push his attentions on a reluctant woman, nor demand attentions on his person that she is unwilling to give. Such selfishness is not to be borne.

You have to excuse her a moment. She’s dizzy with rage. Please keep in mind, she’s only a figment of my imagination, and as such, only consorts with the men who live there. They never behave like this.

“My turn”?! “My turn”?! Of all things! No one owes anyone anything in bed! Ever! To behave like this is the height of- of-

She’s gone again. I don’t know what to do for her. I’d offer her a cool washcloth on her forehead or something, but, as a figment of my imagination, she doesn’t really have her own forehead.

And you! You think you took advantage of him?! You think you should have “returned the favor”?! I cannot – I simply – I cannot-

I think what she’s trying to say is, he took advantage of your obliging nature by inviting himself in, performing a sex act which you were reluctant about, trying to insist on a return of the “favor,” which, in fact, you did him by allowing him to do something he apparently wanted to do and you were only meh about, and then trying to weasel his way into your bed for the night where, you can be sure, he would have tried to have sex with you by wheedling, cajoling, pouting, and persisting some more, so no, you don’t owe him anything.

Sometimes I am glad you are my twin, Erica. When I cannot speak, you are level-headed enough to do so on my behalf. To Manhandled – darling – do not date men to whom you are not attracted. Do not “let” men do things you don’t want to do. Passion, darling! If you don’t want something desperately, it is probably not worth doing.

If you want to see other stuff from Sophia, check out this and this. If you have a question for her, contact me at


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