Emmys 2011!

It’s that time of year again, when my sister and I feel you need to know what we think of the dresses people wear to awards shows!

Let’s get started:

Kaley Cuoco

Here’s the thing about the Emmys. TV is a pretty niche medium. There are certain shows that it seems like the whole nation is watching (like American Idol, although I personally don’t) but for the most part, there are fan bases that may be millions of people, but they’re not everyone in the country. So I sort of know who Kaley Cuoco is (“Big Bang Theory,” right?) but I don’t care much about her one way or the other. Except that I really like this dress.

Lea Michele

I of course know who she is. My daughter saw her during the pre show and got all excited. “It’s Rachel! It’s Rachel! Rachel is on the TV! Rachel from “Glee”!” This dress? Very elegant, I like the swoopy thing going on in the back, she’s one of the seventeen hundred people who decided to go with a classic, sexy red – only hers is not so sexy and may even be a little old for her. And, yeah, Kate, I get the feeling that when there isn’t a camera in front of her, she just doesn’t know what to do with herself. Then again, she’s been a performer since she was, what, in utero? So that has an effect on a person.

Christina Hendricks

You sexy thing, you. Although, honestly, I’d like it if the base of this dress was a slightly different color. You already are alabaster. But whatever, when I dream, I look like her.

Evan Rachel Wood

I must respectfully disagree, Kate. I thought she looked elegant and lovely, if a little boring. And no, according to Wikipedia, she and Marilyn Manson are not still dating.

Jayma Mays

Yeah, I don’t know what’s up with that. She should get the people who costume her for “Glee” to style her for awards shows.

Ariel Winter

Oh, my goodness, I did not recognize her as the girl from “Modern Family”! Yeah, she’s thirteen! Yeah, that look is a little old for her! Much pearl-clutching going on over here!

Julia Stiles

Well, doesn’t someone look good? Has Julia Stiles been on TV lately? How have I missed this?

Sarah Hyland

I don’t love the dress, not because it’s too old for her, but just because I don’t like it. But she totally looks like Mila Kunis; they should do a movie where they are sisters or something. Because they’re both pretty funny, too. (Note to self: Do not include that idea in blog post. Start writing script.)

Melissa McCarthy

The thing is, I think she has put on some weight. But you’re right, the dress is not working. It doesn’t look very well constructed. Which is why plus-sized ladies need decent fashion designers to work with their bodies.

Elizabeth Moss

Love, love, love. Look at the sleeves. It’s like they just sort of affixed the sparkle right to her skin. Love.

Zooey Deschanel

Love the whole look. She looks like a fashionable cartoon character, as usual. But she came across as an irritating twit in her red carpet interview. I don’t remember her leaving that bad a taste in my mouth when she did a guest appearance on “Top Chef,” so maybe it was just an off night or a reaction to an irritating interviewer or whatever, but it kind of soured me on her. Temporarily, I’m sure.

Christine Baranski

Every inch awesome. Why did I stop watching “The Good Wife”? I really loved it.

Gwyneth Paltrow

You know, I have such mixed feelings about Gwyneth Paltrow all the time. On the one had, she says incredibly irritating and tone-deaf things all the time. On the other hand, she was so charming on “Glee.” Except for that thing where her character hated on Internet commenters being mean or some shit. And when I got my copy of Bon Appetit with her on the cover, I was going, “Ugh, if this is the editorial direction the new guy is taking, I want no part of it.” And then I tried her recipes and they’re kind of great. So I bought her cookbook. Which is also full of irritatingly unaware, snobbish, name-dropping, “of course duck bacon would be perfect in this dish” nonsense but . . . also with many delicious recipes. But we are not here to talk about my feelings about Gwynnie in general, right? Just the . . . ensemble. Which is not only bad but kind of dated, like something a low-level celebrity might have thought of wearing in, say, 1999. Which is a year I – and many – liked Gwynnie unreservedly. So maybe that’s what she’s going for here.

Sofia Vergara

See, I’m fine with her playing up her hot-and-spicy, check-out-my-curves, Latina-ness any time she wants to. I think she wins the prize for va-va-voom red tonight, like, with her around, was there any real competition?

Heidi Klum

When I worked at Aveda, I had to wear make-up every day. We were supposed to be selling customers on the idea that you should wear eye shadow that highlights your eyes (usually by contrasting with them). But I remember saying to one of my co-workers, “Look, I have blue eyes every day of my life. I don’t need to highlight them every single day.” I think maybe Heidi Klum feels this way. Like, she has a hot body every day of her life, but sometimes, she doesn’t want to wear clothes that highlight that! Sometimes, she wants to wear dresses that hang off of her like a dying parade float, okay? God, stop giving her so much shit about it.

Connie Britton

Connie, you look great. You’re an absolute gorgeous woman in a gorgeous dress with hair that should really be given some kind of award for being the Best Hair in America. And you’re a fabulous actress and I want to grow up to be just like your character on “Friday Night Lights,” for serious. So why are you making that face? That face that says, “Well, I guess I have to be here”? That face that says, “What, y’all like this? This? Really? Why? Cut that out.

Dianna Agron

The dress looked like it was cut by a blind five-year-old.  Great color, sure, but you can’t just drape some sating over your star’s boobs and call it a day. Make her a goddamn dress!

Kate Winslet

She looks like she always looks. Classic, glamorous, beautiful, perfect. Just once I’d like to see her switch stylists with Helena Bonham Carter. Just for fun.

Kristin Wiig

How do you not know who she is, Kate? She’s an SNL star who also just made Bridesmaids. Like, she wrote it and stuff, right? Anyway, yeah, she looks good.

Julie Bowen

I think she looks pretty good. Also, congratulations!

Minka Kelly

That’s a weird dress. She’s a very, very pretty girl, though.

Kelly Osbourne

See, I get what you mean about, what does she think she’s done with her life that she can wear something that glamouriffic to the Emmys. On the other hand . . . kind of love it.

Kyle Richards

Yeah, I love how she dresses on her show, but this dress for whatever reason made her look like a linebacker. And she’s not. It’s just the dress. (BTW, Kate, have you been watching the new season? Have you been (gulp) kind of liking Camille maybe a little bit?)

Heather Morris

Fire your stylist.

Amber Riley

I did not love the color but she looked great overall.

Amy Poehler

Yeah, I don’t know what that’s about. Well, I kind of do. Amy Poehler made a name for herself being funny, not being pretty. Which is not to say she’s not pretty, just that she doesn’t think she is, and when you’re in the warped world of celebrity, there are always at least twenty girls standing around who are prettier than you. (BTW, did you get a look at David Boreanz’s wife? My goodness, what an attractive woman. And she held her own in the interview, too.)

Kathryn Joosten

Mrs. Landingham! It’s great to see you!

Jessica Brown Findlay

I do not know who you are. But I sure hope you are on some sort of vampire show.

Cobie Smulders

Don’t know you. But I love the dress.

Anna Faris

You, too. Stop making that face like “Oh, my God, I don’t know what I’m doing here!” Because yes you do and it’s annoying.

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