This was such a grab-bag of an episode. We’re going to do a bunch of mini-lessons. They may or may not dip back into last week’s episode as well.
The lesson: Santana Lopez is ssssssssmokin’.
The truth: No, no, no. Naya Rivera is ssssssssssmokin’.
The lesson: Kids still know who Ricky Martin is.
The truth: I don’t know; do they? He did just come out relatively recently; I suppose it’s possible that they know that.
The lesson: You can be a high school Spanish teacher for many years without speaking any Spanish.
The truth: I sincerely hope not.
The lesson: You should stop communicating with one of the two possible loves of your life to determine if he really is the one.
The truth: (snore)
Okay, fine. Probably constant texting and e-mailing and tweeting and Facebooking is bad for your teenage relationships. But who the fuck cares? They’re teenage relationships. They’re already going pretty stupidly.
The lesson: It’s important to decide right now whether you’re going to marry your high school sweetheart.
The truth: No, it’s not. Y’all are what, 17, 18? Life is long. You’ve got time to think about what a terrible idea this is before committing to it.
The lesson: Turning in someone for assaulting your boyfriend is somehow less noble than not turning them in.
The truth: Okay, this is something I didn’t cover last week. That Warbler kid Sebastian through a slushy in the face of Blaine – even though last time we saw him, he had a crush on Blaine, but that’s okay, because last time we saw Will Schuester speak Spanish, he seemed to have a handle on it – and (because this show depends on the premise that just slushy-throwing is peachy-keen with any and all authorities) Sebastian added rock salt, which got in Blaine’s eye, which caused him to need some sort of surgery.
Santana then got Sebastian to admit what he did on tape so that they could turn him in to the police for assault. Now, admittedly, that tape could be severely compromised. It was taped to her “underboob” and she had clothes on and Sebastian was turned away from her when he said it (I think) and it was immediately slushied and it was just a dictation recorder from OfficeMax or some such so who knows if it would even be reliable enough to present as evidence? But the show doesn’t bring up that possibility, so let’s say it is usable. At the very least, such a tape would be useful if, say, Blaine’s parents, who don’t exist, wanted to sue the little shit for medical expenses. But Kurt – who is not Blaine and is not paying for Blaine’s medical expenses – decided that defeating Sebastian at Regionals would be the more noble thing to do.
Whatevs, people. Someone assaults you to the point where you need medical treatment, their “punishment” should not come in “sing-off” form.