The Grammys 2012

I’ve decided to significantly reduce the length of this post by only putting up pictures of people whose names I recognize. So I’m not going to discuss the girl whose gynecologist I now am, and I’m not going to address the dresses of many colors that appeared.

In fact, if I’m limiting it to people I recognize, I could probably end this post here.

Okay, no, here we go:

Adele

The whole world agrees that Adele is awesome and I certainly can’t deny that.

The dress is okay but could be better. Different neck, different color, different hair? I don’t know. Could be better.

But she sings like motherfucking Adele and she’s also gorgeous. She could have shown up in a Juicy Couture sweatsuit circa 1999 and we’d still love her.

Alicia Keys

Are you looking at those shoes?

Those shoes are messing with my mind, y’all.

Bonnie Raitt

is apparently headed to the Moms’ Night Out organized by the PTA at the local Joe’s American Bar & Grill.

But she’s still Bonnie Raitt so whatevs.

Carrie Underwood

Isn’t that girl only 22 or something? Why is she styled like “she’s still got it!” fifty-five year old?

Corinne Bailey Rae

looks absolutely perfect. Love the whole thing. Favorite of the night. No contest.

Fergie

You know, the thing is, it’s the Grammys, so if you want your underwear to be visible, you go for it, you know?

That said, why did she just go for a basic black bra and panties set? The panties are high-waisted, so I guess that’s “fashion,” but fifty years ago, that was just your regular underwear set. Why didn’t she go for, I don’t know, bright turquoise or something?

Joy Williams

Joy Williams is one half of the duo The Civil Wars, a group my sister’s boyfriend introduced me to and which I really, really love (though I disagree with both Kate and her boyfriend that the male half of the duo looks like Johnny Depp). Don’t love this dress. I mean, it’s fine, but it’s not great. But she’s great so who cares?

Kate Beckinsale

I have been given to believe I would not like Kate Beckinsale as a person. That’s fine. She’s still in my personal top five prettiest people in existence. I don’t know what she’s doing there, other than decorating the red carpet, but she does that damn well, so fine.

Katy Perry

I am once again surprised that my liking this dress is coinciding with popular opinion on it. I thought I was being controversial. Oh, well.

Kelly Osbourne

You know what? This is the best she’s looked all awards season. Even with the stupid purple hair. (As a note, though, the hair is looking awful, and not just the purple-ness. There’s a point where you’ve put so many chemicals in your hair that it ceases to look or feel like hair. That’s when it’s time for a pixie cut and/or deep, deep conditioning.)

Nicki Minaj

You know what? There’s nothing I can say. You wore this because you wanted everyone to go, “Oh, my God, can you believe what Nicki Minaj wore to the Grammys,” and mission accomplished.

But the actual bishop? What actual bishop agreed to be your date to this thing? Memo to the Catholic Church – you show up as Nicki Minaj’s date to the Grammys, we don’t have to take any of your moral edicts seriously anymore.

Paris Hilton

So that’s still happening.

Rihanna

I mean, what does one wear that’s apropos for an awards show at which your sometimes-ex who quite famously beat the shit out of you is going to perform?

A dress that makes it obvious you’re not sporting bruises anywhere?

Okay, that works, I guess.

Taylor Swift

Oh, dear. It’s just like mothers everywhere have warned for generations. Your face has frozen like that.

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