Obama’s First Speech After the Republican Ticket is Announced

Here’s how I hope it goes-

“My fellow Americans . . . Really? You really want me to ‘run’ against . . . him? Really, guys?”

(eyeroll)

Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to ‘run’ . . . the country. Like I do now. I’m going to keep awesoming while these fools keep . . . doing whatever the hell they’re doing, and, you know, I’ll see you in November for my victory speech.

I mean, not for nothing, but we all need the women’s vote, and he’s going to shut down contraception while I sing soulfully and self-deprecatingly. I create a NEED for contraception, bitches!

Oh, and you left-wing Democrats? All two of you? I know you’re mad at me. I didn’t close Guantanamo, I didn’t put any bankers in jail, and my AG is pretending the words ‘due process’ don’t really refer to anything specific. You know what? I don’t give a fuck. Because the guy running against me is your worst nightmare. So you’re going to back me for fear of him.

Oh, yeah, and I killed Osama. So suck on that.”

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