A Jewish Calendar, Or, Why Judaism Rocks

So Judaism has the reputation for being, well, a little nerdy. A little boring. A little, maybe, less fun than other religions. This notion is even promoted by some of the most celebrated Members of the Tribe! (Although this piece makes up for that one a little.)

But the truth is, Jews have some of the best holidays in the world! Take a look:

Rosh Hashannah – Our New Year. Which comes right at the start of the school year, sensibly enough. And instead of watching on TV a lit-up ball drop over a crowd of millions of people who’ve been pissing themselves because they can’t get to a Port-a-Potty, we eat bread and sweets. Delicious eggy challah, apples and honey, and anything sweet at all to celebrate a sweet New Year. Plus, usually, brisket. And who doesn’t love brisket?

Yom Kippur – Admittedly a downer, although the concert the night before is usually quite beautiful. But then you have to fast for a day, while also looking into yourself to acknowledge where you could improve for the following year. A day of meditation and reflection. And at the end, you’ll have a bagel with lox. I can think of worse things than meditation and lox for a day.

Sukkot – An eight-day-long backyard barbecue, right at the end of the summer. Awesome!

Simchat Torah – Dance Party!

Chanukah – Despite the naysaying and the negative comparisons to Christmas. Chanukah is EIGHT WHOLE DAYS of presents, gambling, and fried food. I’ll put that against a fat man in a red suit who steals your cookies and gets soot all over your house any day. (I’m lying. I love Christmas. But I also love Chanukah. And by “Chanukah”, I mean “latkes”.)

Tu B’Shevat – Do you know you are supposed to eat fruit you’ve never had before on Tu B’Shevat? Isn’t that kind of neat?

Purim – Yeah, the holiday where we dress up, get drunk, and celebrate a Jewish woman being so sexy she saved our lives? I covered that here.

Passover – A personal favorite. Perhaps not young, hip, and cool, but it’s like the Jewish Thanksgiving, in that it’s the one you come home for, the one where you welcome any and all comers into your house because godforbid a Jew shouldn’t have a seder to go to, so something like 93% of all self-identified Jews, whatever their relationship with Judaism is, get to a seder. So we drink, we tell a story, and we eat while the children play hide-and-seek. And, oh, yeah, lamb is way more delicious than turkey. Way more.

Shavuot – In recent years this has become our “outdoors” holiday. Go pray outside, go for a hike, go camping. Because religion!

And, don’t forget, we have a weekly candlelit dinner, after which sex with your spouse is a DOUBLE mitzvah! And a monthly excuse for a girl’s night!

Don’t tell us we’re the uncool religion. We know how to have fun all year round!

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