Kate: Thanks to my “Today’s Hits” station on Pandora, I may actually know who most of these people are tonight!
Erica: I will probably only recognize Beyoncé.
Kate: Seriously, I’m more excited about the Grammys than the Oscars this year. That NEVER happens.
Erica: Not me. But I am not cool.
Kate: *In the style of Billy Eichner on Billy on the Street* And away…We…GO!
Kate: It’s going to be hard for anyone to convince me that she does not deserve Best Dressed right here right now. Oh my god, so effing fabulous I can’t stand it.
Erica: I am not seeing what you are seeing.
Kate: We can usually count on her for a sparkly, semi-frumpy black or navy blue gown that we don’t give a hoot about because then she performs and all’s right with the world. THIS, though, is FASHION and now and perfectly tailored to her body and a PERFECT color on her.
Erica: I do think the color is just perfect on her luminous self. And the hair and makeup are unsurprisingly perfect.
Kate: I absolutely love the lighter hair and makeup, and the updo that the lighter hair is in, she even has a little tan going on! OH MY GOD I AM OBSESSED WITH YOU, ADELE!
Erica: Yes. I think you might be. Not that she doesn’t deserve it. I just think this dress doesn’t, particularly.
Kate: But wait, why wear that fabulousness and then change immediately for the first performance? Her performance dress is much more in line with what she usually wears:
Erica: I don’t like this, either. And her nails are a little insane for my taste. But why do any of them do this? Isn’t the whole getting dressed with hair and makeup a big deal? Why not just skip the red carpet and go straight to performance mode?
Kate: Very long pointy nails are IN. And then you know they all have a third dress for the after-party. Or another performance drew for another performance?
Kate: Love this one, and the messy bun, but that performance…Wow. In so many ways.
Erica: And then she shared her award with Beyoncé because she is 100% class.
Kate: Angel/goddess on Earth.
Kate: I really did not know what to make of her performance. I know she was being deep and philosophical and maybe political?, but I wasn’t understanding EXACTLY what she was saying. Say what you mean, and mean what you say, B!
Erica: I always assume that I won’t fully get what Beyoncé is talking about. We are of related but separate cultures.
Kate: That said, minus the crazy head and neck gear, her dress is really beautiful. And that’s coming from a longtime Beyoncé hater. I appreciate that she wore it for her performance and stayed in it afterward, and I was wondering why she didn’t do the red carpet, but I guess she’s Beyoncé and she’s pregnant and can get away with pretty much any old thing she feels like.
Erica: Well, and, in order to get her pregnant self all kitted up like an ancient fertility goddess, she had to get there early. Like I said, a red carpet look and a separate performance look is kind of a hassle.
Kate: Well she went for the hassle, because she eventually changed into this delightful little red number and somehow straightened her hair.
Erica: I mean, how do they do secondary HAIR? I can’t get my hair to look good once a night. I definitely couldn’t be a celebrity.
Kate: I like this dress a lot more, including the necklace. WHO AM I?
Kate: Ok so this is super-pageanty and VERY COUNTRY, but that’s Carrie, no? I normally wouldn’t like something like this, but she is really rocking it.
Erica: I just feel like she’s already dressing like she’s 40.
Kate: I don’t think it’s 40, I think it’s country. Her hair and makeup are similar to Adele’s, so I like those things as well. The only thing that’s bothering me is how UNCOMFORTABLE the dress looks — like, I’m itching MY neck just looking at HERS.
Erica: Yes. Also she seemed kind of unhappy tonight. Kind of down. Great makeup.
Kate: I also wish the sleeves were more tapered instead of in that bell style.
Kate: Her performance dress is, like, pageanty-casual, and I love it. Actually kind of looks comfortable?
Erica: It’s younger, as is the hair. Hey, did Keith Urban not bring his wife tonight? I feel deprived of the crazy.
Kate: Was wondering that myself…
Kate: Oh dear me no.
Kate: She is too thin and narrow-featured to have her hair pulled back that tight, and that dress? Are we on a fancy St. Patrick’s Day Parade float?
Erica: Well, I never like that kind of hair but I like the color of the dress. Not the whole dress. But the color. The earrings are pretty, too.
Kate: I know what you’re thinking — why am I ok with Adele’s green dress but not Celine’s green dress? Probably because I am overly obsessed with Adele.
Erica: Well. You are. But they are also very different greens. And Adele’s does complement her beautifully. In my opinion, Celine’s green looks fine, but not quite as luminous as Adele’s.
Kate: Now, had she worn her presenting dress on the red carpet, she would have earned my praises. Beautiful.
Erica: WHY IS THERE A SECOND DRESS JUST FOR PRESENTING?! WHY BOTHER WITH THE RED CARPET DRESS AT ALL?! It’s because this is the Capitol, that’s why. We are all already damned.
Kate: Up close you can tell that there are black feathers attached to the collar of this dress — or maybe they’re earrings? — and there is just too much going on here.
Erica: I do not like it. I like her. I do not like this.
Kate: I also really don’t like that wet curly hair look — what is this, the late 90s? Oh, right, all those trends are back now.
Erica: Which, while I’m not happy about the wet-look curls, I am happy about boot-cut jeans. Hey, do you still have my Docs?
Kate: They are in WO, most likely.
Kate: I know almost every lady on this carpet is wearing some form of fake hair tonight, I just hate when they make it so OBVIOUS.
Erica: Yeah this looks…cheap.
Kate: That is the EXACT word that popped into my head when I saw this. She’s a very pretty girl, but this is just all too much. She’s too tan, too stuffed into that dress, too MACRAME. Actually really hate it.
Erica: I do not like the macrame. I do not like the look.
Kate: Worst Dressed nominee!
Erica: Including her because I love that song. I always appreciate that the Grammys is a time to dress very costume-y. This little girl princess costume is an unusual choice but that’s okay with me. The tats mean it’s still rock-and-roll, right?
Kate: I think the dress is actually pretty, I just don’t like the matching flower crown and the pale makeup, and then the tattoos kind of blending in with the dress almost? I get it, I’m just not that into it.
Erica: That is a more positive reaction than I thought you would have.
Kate: I’m complimenting Beyoncé, I know current musicians, I’m really growing as a person.
Kate: We HAVE to include her because she’s a Real Housewife, right?!
Erica: I’ll go with that logic.
Kate: I kind of love that she’s there. I am really against that half-up-in-a-bun hairstyle — it’s just too EVERYWHERE — and I’m not falling all over myself about the dress, it’s fine, and the shoes don’t match, but I’m just happy that she’s there. Great makeup, as always.
Erica: Yes, the hair is terrible. It’s not even the style, which I don’t love, but fine. It’s poorly executed. And yes, the shoes don’t match. I do actually like the dress, and I love her spirit and her lust for life. I feel like Kyle could become a better person by being friends with her.
Kate: Perhaps, if she stops talking sh!t about every single one of her friends every five seconds.
Kate: Similar to Carrie’s pageanty vibe, but, again, they are both country, and this is what you wear when you’re country. I might have worn both their dresses to the Country Music Awards instead, but, I’m neither of their stylist.
Erica: Yeah, except Faith Hill is the right age for this.
Kate: Actually, this is alarmingly similar to Carrie’s dress — center cutout and middle-of-legs slit and all. It just doesn’t have the sparkle.
Erica: I can’t decide if that’s an improvement or not.
Kate: I kind of like the hair down in loose waves with this style, but with Carrie’s it would definitely get caught on all the sequins. I’m really fixating on that.
Kate: She is not usually someone we include, but I got a special request to!
Kate’s friend Candace (via text): You should site that Gina Rodriguez looks hot hot hot in your blog!
Kate: Well there you have it.
Erica: I am not so delighted with this look. No offense, Candace.
Kate: I think it’s very similar to Chrissy Teigen’s look but better executed, but still not my favorite. Sorry Candace!
Erica: Yes, better executed. And she looks joyous. But I don’t love the ensemble. Sorry!
Kate: Another semi-normal choice from Heidi! She MUST be reading these posts!
Erica: We have a power beyond what we expected. Heidi, if you do read this, know that I still sometimes replay that moment in my head where you told the Project Runway contestant that his Barbies were selling like “bagels,” and then Tim Gunn corrected you and said “hot cakes,” and you very seriously repeated “hot cakes.” It was — you are — freakin’ adorable.
Kate: I mean, she’s basically wearing a sparkly t-shirt, and I can basically see her private parts, but this is what she does best — casual but glam California blonde. Love the hair, makeup and jewelry. But how is she going to SIT?
Erica: Oh my gosh, I think she looks adorable. Show off those gams, girl. Sit down and watch your dress become a shirt and don’t care at all because you have the legs of Heidi Klum.
Kate: Typical J.Lo. Has to do ONE weird thing, can’t just leave well enough alone.
Erica: She looks beautiful, though.
Kate: Of course she does, she’s J. Lo! Honestly, the gown is absolutely beautiful and it’s a beautiful color, and OMG her legs, but why the neck thing? Why? Just why?
Erica: Well, because otherwise no one would talk about it.
Kate: Also, her lipstick is the same color as her face, which is not great. Also also, Demi, THIS is how you do not-so-obvious hair extensions.
Kate: Very boring, but very nice.
Erica: Hate ombre hair.
Kate: You can barely see the ombre hair in the low pony, though? And I think that damn slit is a bit overdone now.
Erica: Yeah, I’m for some reason more willing to be Heidi Klum’s gynecologist than I am willing to be Katharine McPhee’s. Maybe because Katharine McPhee doesn’t look like she means it.
Kate: Oh Christ.
Erica: I mean she’s whackadoo. Although she usually is whackadoo in a more aesthetically pleasing way.
Kate: I feel like she chose this to purposely look bad, and also insane. It’s ill-fitting, it’s dated, it’s just plain ugly. And the mad scientist hair? No.
Kate’s friend Melissa (via text): Please put in your blog that Katy Perry looks like Lumiere’s love interest in Beauty and the Beast *eye-roll emoji*.
Kate: Honestly, the feather duster looks 100 times better than THIS.
Erica: Seriously. Katy Perry wishes she could be as fire as that feather duster.
Kate: I also did NOT appreciate her dig at Britney during the pre-show by saying she took a break from music for her mental health and hasn’t shaved her head yet. If I have to say one nice thing, I like her makeup, but the Britney dig REALLY got me.
Erica: I was surprised she went there. I was thinking T. Swift was exclusively to blame for their Bad Blood, but I’m rethinking now.
Kate: Oh, and Worst Dressed nominee.
Erica: One day when our civilization has fallen and future archaeologists are trying to figure out our culture, I hope they come upon an image of Lady Gaga wearing this to the Grammys so that they understand, at least, what the Grammys were all about.
Kate: I was worried we would get Glam Gaga instead of Crazy Gaga, and I am so happy she did this. It’s Cher and Madonna and costumey and crazy-high shoes and just exactly what I want from her. LOVE the high pony with the deep red lip and aviator shades. Love.
Erica: Yes. Well-executed crazy.
Kate: I also love that after all the crap she got about the little bit of extra skin on her belly during the Super Bowl halftime show, she wore another belly-baring outfit and looks effing fab.
Erica: I have to think that the people who gave her that crap have never seen actual human bodies before.
Kate: It’s like someone was recently looking at a photo of Courtney Love in that crazy black dress with all the slits and thought, “Let me try to re-do this, but better”, and it worked. Fierce.
Erica: I thought she was referencing Elizabeth Hurley’s 1994 safety pin dress. Which, I have just learned, has its own Wikipedia page. As does J. Lo’s 2000 bathrobe dress, to which she herself made sly reference during the telecast.
Kate: Yes, she likes to remind us. I love Laverne’s hair darker, and I love the high pony. Up close and personal the makeup is a little too costume party for me, and I wish she had done a more interesting earring, and I don’t love the length of the dress, so it’s not a Best Dressed nominee for me, but overall digging it.
Erica: Yeah, the length of the dress is the part I don’t like.
Kate: I KNOW Brad Goreski styled her so I really WANT to like this. But I don’t. 😦
Erica: Is that her eye make-up or has she been crying?
Kate: Yes, first of all, what is that face? Second of all, what is that severe hair? Third of all, that awful neck makes her look like she just got neutered. Without it, MAYBE. Maybe. With it? No.
Erica: Seriously, is she okay? Does she need to talk to someone?
Kate: What is Mya doing at the 2017 Grammys? Has she sang anything since Ghetto Superstar?
Erica: She’s one of those people I should know because she’s of my time, but I wasn’t cool, then, either.
Kate: I really hate this red tuxedo thing. It’s ill-fitting on top, too tight on bottom, the bow in the middle is unnecessary, and dye-to-match shoes? Come on. Worst Dressed nominee!
Erica: It is really bad. Like, really bad. It’s a good concept, and it’s executed so very badly.
Kate: Hair and makeup are fine, though.
Kate: While Celine Dion thinks she’s on a fancy St. Patrick’s Day Parade float, Rihanna thinks she’s going to a Halloween-themed ball but chose to just wear Halloween colors instead of an actual costume.
Erica: Yeah, I don’t like it. It’s whackadoo without being pretty or making sense or anything.
Kate: She always has to wear a skirt that’s, like, impossible to sit down in.
Erica: I think she has made public statements to this effect.
Taraji P. Henson
Kate: Not sure why she’s there — because she’s on a TV show about music? — but really hate the dress. The material looks like it’s pulling across her in the most uncomfortable, too-tight way.
Erica: Yeah, this is very strange. I know this is weird, but I’m thinking about that part in The King and I when Yul Brynner is confused as to why Westerners are cool with exposing all this cleavage, but then create giant bell skirts to hide the very fact that women have legs. This dress is the opposite of that.
Kate: Also really don’t like her hair like that — she looks so much better when she’s tousled and wild and, like, loose.
Erica: She is capable of fierceness. Maybe she’s just, like, experimenting, and she’ll realize soon what looks suit her and go back to them.
Kate: Hmmmm…The ruffles and the length and the color and the gold jewelry make this a little too, like, St. Patrick’s Day gala. Celine’s on the fancy parade float, Tori’s already at the gala afterward. But underdressed for it.
Erica: I don’t know who this is. But this ensemble is maybe the most 90s of the night.
Kate: You said that last year and I told you she had fun songs, and I don’t see 90s at all here? She looks pretty, I just don’t like the whole vibe of it. Her hair is also too casual. And now that I’ve looked at last year’s post, she wore the same color then too.
Erica: Well, my memory is sieve-like. And the off-shoulder and the criss-crossing ruffles and the hair and make-up are all very ’90s, trust. You were still too young when this would have been it. Because I came of age in the 90s, I like it. I just don’t like it for the Grammys. But I am struggling to figure out where I would like it.
Kate: Alas, Best Dressed must of course go to Adele? With an Honorable Mention to the Gagster?
Erica: Sure. I just don’t feel strongly about anyone.
Kate: And Worst Dressed is without a doubt Katy I-Have-Lost-My-Mind Perry?
Erica: That is more than fine with me.
Kate: And there you have it. Til the Oscars, then!