Oscars 2017

Kate: I say this with some degree of humiliation, but I think this is the first year since I was, like, in elementary school, that I have not seen ONE of the nominated films.

Erica: It’s like the, oh, what is it, ah…Eighth. The eighth year for me.

Kate: Oh, hang on! I HAVE seen Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (nominated for Costume and Production Design), O.J.: Made in America (nominated for Documentary Feature), Star Trek Beyond (nominated for Makeup & Hairstyling), and The Jungle Book (nominated for Visual Effects). I feel much better now.

Erica: Yup, I’ve seen none of those. I have seen Zootopia. And I’ve seen Rogue One, which also got a Visual Effects nod.

Kate: But, again, are the movies important? No! Only the DRESSES are!

 

Alicia Vikander

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Kate: I know everyone was obsessed with her last year and she’s pretty and tiny and all that, but…I don’t get it.

Erica: I think I get it. I don’t know if I like it, but I think I get it.

Kate: This looks like something recycled from a really bad sweet 16 in the 80s. I hate the neckline, the sleeves, the layers, the length, the lace, all of it! And the hair! That’s what my hair looks like RIGHT NOW, and it’s not a good situation!

Erica: The neck and sleeves read Jane Austen to me. Which is cool, especially on a tiny person such as herself, but, you know, black in the Jane Austen era would signal mourning, not glamour. And I think that’s unfortunately how this reads.

Kate: Really, really hate it.

 

Amy Adams

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Kate: Disappointed that she didn’t do the red carpet, especially in this number. Va va voom, Amy!

Erica: Oh, I don’t love it.

Kate: I think I’ve said recently that I’m over the sequins, but this looks great. Perfectly tailored to her body, a deep V done right. And I always love soft, voluminous waves like that — kind of like Connie Britton hair!

Erica: I love the hair. And there’s nothing wrong with the dress. It’s just not my favorite.

 

Brie Larson

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Kate: Oh my, how dramatic.

Erica: I’m into it.

Kate: Her terrible hair is a bit distracting, but I like the dress. Kind of like a very fancy Jessica Rabbit, but black instead of red. I might not have worn this if I were not actually nominated (that year), though.

Erica: I agree the hair could be a little more on point but the drama of the gown, I really love. Very John Singer Sargent.

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Charlize Theron

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Kate: Wow. Having a very rare moment of I-don’t-think-Charlize-Theron-looks-good, and I don’t know what to do with that.

Erica: Oh, see, I don’t like the dress, and I don’t like the ponytail thing — it looks like they forgot to finish her hair — and I also really hate the earrings – but I still think she looks good.

Kate: The metallic thing just doesn’t work as well on her as it has on others, I hate the ponytail, the thick-strapped deep V-neck doesn’t complement her beautiful figure, it’s just all off. Very jarring.

Erica: It’s all very weird. And yet, I still think she’s beautiful.

Kate: Yes SHE is obviously beautiful but this LOOK is not. Also, those earrings are dangerously heavy on her earlobes. And also obscenely expensive.

 

Chrissy Teigen

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Kate: I really like one of John Legend’s songs right now, so I am less annoyed than usual that these two literally pop up EVERYWHERE, but seriously, WHY ARE THEY EVERYWHERE?

Erica: Oh I am 100% okay with them being everywhere because I find them — her in particular — to be delightful. Also I think he’s in La La Land.

Kate: Regardless, this is an OK gown. The attached cape thing feels a bit done to me at this point, and the sequin detail feels a bit Cache to me, but the rest of the dress is fab. I could do without the one piece of hair on the right side, too.

Erica: I don’t like the dress. I just don’t like it. It’s not badly done or incomprehensibly ugly. I just don’t like it.

 

Dakota Johnson

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Kate: Oh my god, I could not hate it more if I tried.

Erica: I think I hate it more than I hate the 50 Shades phenomenon. No, wait. Nothing is worse than that. This dress is pretty damn close, though.

Kate: It’s like a decades-old wedding dress that wasn’t stored properly. You know what? It reminds me of Sandra Bullock’s wedding dress in The Proposal. And I liked it on Sandra a lot more.

Erica: Wow, it is better on Sandra Bullock but I still hate it on Sandra Bullock. It is so very awful. Incredibly awful. Like it was trying to be awful. And her makeup and hair look dreadful. Well, her makeup looks dreadful. Her hair is more blah than awful.

Kate: Yea, that is like, what my hair looks like when I want it out of my face at work but I KNOW it doesn’t look good/makes my forehead look enormous. Bleh bleh bleh!!!

Erica: She also claims to not be wearing makeup. Does she think we don’t know what faces normally look like?

 

Emma Roberts

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Kate: I always think she looks very pretty, if not a little too tiny, and I love the nod to her aunt with the bright red hair tonight.

Erica: I mean, I love the hair. Love. A lot.

Kate: The gown is lovely and she overall looks very nice, I’m just not like AMAZED by it.

Erica: So it’s black-and-white evening, which is not my favorite. But she told Ryan Seacrest that she was the one who told Julia to wear the black-and-white one she won the Oscar in, so maybe this is, like, a nod? Or maybe Emma Roberts just really loves black-and-white evening dresses? Which, as we’ve established, are not my favorite, although this one has the lace and is very well tailored and all that. I am not particularly prudish about boobs, though — in fact, I am typically a fan of cleavage — and this is pushing it for me.

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Emma Stone

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Kate: I don’t know. It feels a little too theme-y for me. Aren’t we over the whole Great Gatsby thing?

Erica: I mean, the hair and makeup are lovely.

Kate: Yes, very lovely hair and makeup. I’m having an issue with where the fringe starts and ends on this dress — it creates awkward sections of her otherwise beautiful body.

Erica: I see what you’re saying, but it doesn’t bother me as much as I think it should. I think it actually starts low enough that it’s okay. That said, I don’t love the fringe.

Kate: Honestly, she should have swapped her Golden Globes and Oscars dresses, and done something completely else for SAGs. This dress is fine, but her Globes dress was the real stunner of the group.

Erica: Yes. Agreed. That was the Oscars dress.

 

Felicity Jones

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Kate: Uh oh. I see some tea length.

Erica: Man. I want so badly to like so many things about this. But I hate tea length. And I hate the thing that is happening around her waist.

Kate: I wish it were floor length and I wish the top were tailored a bit better, and I wish she had jazzed it up a with a little more jewelry on the ears, but looking very soft and simple and elegant is kind of her thing.

Erica: It’s like, a good concept. But not a good dress.

Kate: I do, however, love the shoes, ergo, I understand why she WANTED to do tea length.

 

Ginnifer Goodwin

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Kate: Oh, I hate her hair like that. Too plastered to her head, literally.

Erica: Yes. I hate all of this, really.

Kate: The dress is fine, but it feels like something you could buy at Anthropologie and wear to a fancy wedding, not THE OSCARS. You know?

Erica: I don’t think the dress is fine. I hate it.

Kate: I also think a regular old scoop neck would have done just fine instead of a DAMN TURTLENECK.

Erica: BUT she lost her former TV husband the day before. I will give her all the passes.

 

Hailee Steinfeld

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Kate: Oh, my. Gorgeous. Beyond.

Erica: Really?! Really?!

Kate: Really! I think it’s an amazing mix of modern and edgy with classic and beautiful. P e r f e c t makeup.

Erica: I would never have expected you to like this. The back. The frou-frou-ness. How see-through it is. I am shocked.

Kate: The see-throughness was a bit surprising at first but it’s done with taste. Best Dressed nominee!

Erica: So it is the sort of thing I usually like but I don’t know if this is my favorite iteration of it. The back is a bit much for me. And I can’t decide how I feel about how see-through it is. On the one hand, very sexy. Without being slutty. On the other, I think I’m getting old or something.

 

Halle Berry

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Kate: I mean, why does anyone else even show up if she’s gonna be there? Look at her!

Erica: To see what she looks like, naturally.

Kate: I adore the dress, the one shoulder, the sparkle, the colors, the ribbony elements, wow. And her face? Her skin? Her makeup? It’s just not fair!

Erica: It is a really lovely dress. I feel like her fashion is so often, like, really unique and special, while looking exactly like a red carpet dress should. Both surprising and entirely fitting.

Kate: The only reason I’m not throwing her a Best Dressed nominee is the hair — I like the curls, I like the color(s), but I don’t like the style.

Erica:I like that she did that hair. I think it could be perfected but I applaud the concept.

 

Janelle Monae

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Kate: I was able to get into her quirk at the Globes and the SAGs, but this is too much for me. Really don’t like it. Overwhelming in the worst possible way.

Erica: I like it, actually. I wish that the skirt didn’t, like, detach from itself. But I think it mostly accomplishes what it sets out to be and I appreciate that about it. And I really, really, really, really love her hair.

 

Jennifer Aniston

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Kate: Another red carpet evader — Jen, I love you, but Meryl Streep you are not. You still must do the red carpet, especially if you are presenting.

Erica: What is she, even, without the red carpet?

Kate: This is quite sexy. It’s very Jen, and I think she always looks great, and she’s famous for that hair, but I wish it were pulled back a little to show off more of the dress. It’s a great neckline, and it deserves some more attention.

Erica: Yeah, this is classic Jen, 100%.

 

Jessica Biel

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Kate: I know this is FASHION, but to me it’s mostly a very nice costume from The Lion King on Broadway.

Erica: I can’t say it any better than that. That is 100% accurate.

Kate: I’m sorry but Jessica Biel has an extremely beautiful body, and this dress shows absolutely none of it!

Erica: Has she been in anything lately or is she just there as Mrs. Timberlake? I mean, after watching him perform that opening song, I am behind “showing up to be Mrs. Timberlake”. I’m just wondering.

Kate: She’s just Mrs. Timberlake most recently. Also, her hair SHOULD be slicked back with this neckline/necklace, but it’s too loose on that one side. Do not like!

 

Kate McKinnon

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Kate: Well excuuuuuuse me Miss Thing!

Erica: Yeah, she cleans up good.

Kate: I absolutely love it! Great hair, great makeup, GREAT dress. Can never go wrong with black and a little sparkle. Best Dressed nominee!

Erica: I just feel like I’d be annoyed if I were an SNL cast member now. The plumb role — president — is being played by a non-cast celebrity. The next best one — the press secretary — is also going to a non-cast celebrity. Now they talk about Rosie O’Donnell playing Steve Bannon. And then everyone else is played by Kate McKinnon. Fabulously. But still.

Kate: Irrelevant! Dresses!

 

Kirsten Dunst

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Kate: Wow wow wow. I love it!

Erica: I don’t know what’s happening with her since she used to like to look bizarre. This is so beautiful.

Kate: Such a flattering shape, especially around the boobs and waist, and it just looks like a beautifully made piece of fashion. I would not have done closed-toe shoes with that length, though.

Erica: The dress is just 100% perfection. It’s sort of a nod to the era of her movie, too, how beautifully constructed it is, and the silhouette. She looks amazing.

Kate: Agree! But also not totally loving the hair swoop thing. Am OK with the necklace. Luuurrrve the dark dramatic makeup on her.

 

Leslie Mann

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Kate: She is really giving me some Gone with the Wind vibes here.

Erica: I don’t like it. I hate the color. I hate the bow. Her hair is messy. She is a delightful human, though.

Kate: Yes, the color leaves something to be desired, and her hair is too casual for a) this occasion and b) this dress, but…I really, really like her, and she looks like she’s just having so much fun, so I don’t hate this as much as I probably should/usually would.

 

Meryl Streep

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Kate: Meryl throwing me off again with actually DOING the red carpet this time.

Erica: I didn’t see her on the red carpet.

Kate: She was there! I don’t like her hair at all. The sparkly teal pantsuit is very old lady chic, and not in a good way.

Erica: Am I stupid? I’m seeing her in a midnight blue sparkly thing.

Kate: Sometimes it looks blue, sometimes it looks teal, and there are pants AND a skirt somewhere in there. Apparently there was a whole ordeal about this sparkly teal pantsuit because it’s Elie Saab and she was originally supposed to wear Karl Lagerfeld and Karl went on a rant about it, to which Meryl responded in the most Meryl way possible. And now I love it. (But not her hair.)

Erica: I feel like I need to binge-watch her movies but also that will make me very depressed.

 

Michelle Williams

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Kate: I’m shocked — this is such a normal, basic choice for Jen, I mean Michelle!

Erica: She’s going to be pissed when she sees Emma Roberts.

Kate: Oh, so true. Except she most likely doesn’t care. This is pretty but it’s really not doing anything else for me. I think the top could be tailored better. Also, it looks like the skirt is just plain old cream-colored in this photo, but on the pre-show it was a bit more sheer and sparkly.

Erica: It’s not great. And she’s usually so fashion-conscious. This is not particularly interesting and it’s not particularly well-made. The top looks really bad.

 

Nicole Kidman

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Kate: Ahhh, redemption. It’s a beautiful thing.

Erica: It’s baffling, though. Like, if she knows to wear this, how did she wear M-F-ING PARROTS?

Kate: After the ridiculous ruffles of the Golden Globes dress and the stupid sparkly parrots of the SAGs, this dress is a sight for sore eyes. Even though it’s a little too close to the color of her skin so that it kind of looks like she just has swirly body paint on her.

Erica: Hey, I will give all the points to the woman who shows up on a red carpet with just swirly body paint on her.

Kate: REALLY love the hair and makeup.

 

Octavia Spencer

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Kate: Very extremely lovely. Possibly the best I’ve ever seen her.

Erica: She does love her gray, doesn’t she?

Kate: It’s a great color on her. I love the sleek angled bob, very flattering neckline and overall silhouette. Am I the world’s biggest feather fan? No, but it works here.

Erica: Agree with everything except that the feathers are still not working for me. Waist up? Perfect. Waist down? Eh.

 

Priyanka Chopra

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Kate: It is really, really hard to pull off these super-structured strapless tops. I don’t know if Priyanka is accomplishing that here.

Erica: I feel no uncertainty about it. I hate it.

Kate: And the material looks very quilt-like, so that plus the super-structured top plus the flair on bottom makes it feel more like a Cher concert costume than an Oscars dress.

Erica: I think it feels more like a bad Project Runway design.

 

Salma Hayek

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Kate: Well, it’s a vast improvement from the bridesmaid dress from 27 Dresses she wore to the SAGs, but it’s still not great. Quite boring, actually.

Erica: I think it’s fine. Unremarkable.

Kate: And her usually fabulous, voluminous hair is quite…Flat. Meh.

Erica: I don’t like the headband. She’s a grown woman at an awards show, you know?

Kate: I am generally anti-headband.

 

Scarlett Johansson

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Kate: Hate the hair, hate the belt, and if the skirt were a little less poofy she would just be dressed for a very nice brunch with her friends in Southern California. Very disappointing.

Erica: The hair is very stupid. I’m less offended by the dress than you are — actually, it would be super cute as a brunch dress — but I hate the hair.

Kate: One does not wear BRUNCH DRESSES to the OSCARS!!! Also, I think she’s not wearing a bra, which should not be the case for someone as well endowed as her.

Erica: She has a great rack when she dresses it properly.

 

Taraji P. Henson

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Kate: I feel like this is JUST on the right side of the fine line between “vintage” and “dated”. Either way, a HUGE improvement over her Grammys disaster.

Erica: I have no problem with edging toward dated. I also loved how she made Ryan Seacrest wait for her.

Kate: You know what? It’s actually a little Pretty Woman-esque with that neckline, necklace, and material, in a very good way.

Erica: It’s so glam and perfect I feel like she was just playing with the other awards shows this year, because she was saving up for this. Sadie likes it, too; she keeps reaching for the screen.

Kate: Also really love the short, textured, angled bob.

Erica: Yes. Perfect. All the good things. And I really want to see Hidden Figures. I think listening to her talk about it put it even with La La Land on my wish list.

 

Viola Davis

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Kate: Oh yes, I love the red. Love it love it love it.

Erica: The red is perfect. The hair is perfect. The makeup is perfect.

Kate: Gorgeous sleeves, love the shorter hair, FINALLY the softer makeup look I’ve been asking for from her. The only thing I’d have done differently is a bit more bling on the ears to complement the neckline.

Erica: I’m not super into the ear cuff thing. I like the concept but I have yet to see it executed in a way I like. Also, I feel really bad, because I don’t want to see Fences. I understand that it’s a fantastic movie with out-of-this-world performances. I just don’t wanna. Sadie really liked her acceptance speech.

Kate: Alas, our final Best Dressed of the 2017 Red Carpet Season?

Erica: After some consideration, I want Taraji to have it. She looks so good.

Kate: I don’t like hers THAT much. I’d rather give it to Viola, Hailee, or Kate.

Erica: Hmm. Okay, now I’m torn between Hailee, who did something beautiful and interesting, and Viola Davis, who just looked perfect. I will accept either.

Kate: VIOLA IT IS! Worst?

Erica: It’s got to be Dakota Johnson. And NOT because I hate 50 Shades. I actually think she’s quite as charming as a human possibly can be in that dreadful role. But that dress. It is all the things wrong with all the fashion in the universe. I might hate it more than I hated Nicole Kidman’s parrots.

Kate: Could not agree more. Peace out, fellow fashion critiquers!

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