Grammys 2018

Kate: Tonight we are not bringing activists with us or wearing all black but we are wearing white roses. Because…

Erica: #metoo and Time’s Up. I don’t know. Look, Time’s Up is a good organization (I think). It’s a good cause (for sure). And if wearing white roses does something to help, then great. White roses. I still think activists on the red carpet, from whom you never move an inch so that everyone who covers the red carpet has to at least mention their name, was a better idea.

Kate: Right. Anyway, this is the award show where neither Erica nor I know many of the guests anymore, therefore, this post will only cover people with names we recognize. Sorry, relatively-new artists!

Erica: Wow, that’s going to limit us. A lot.

 

Anna Kendrick

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Kate: Well damn! I love it. It’s a fun and interesting new way to wear these suits everyone’s been playing out; I like the sexy fitted camisole underneath. The only thing I would have changed is the shoes — the soft pink color throws off the rest of the vixen vibe. But would black shoes have been TOO obvious?

Erica: I’m actually going to applaud the color of the shoes specifically because they are not obvious. I don’t know what is happening to me right now. I want to hate this. I want to hate the shape of the jacket and the shape of the pants and the fact that the sexy camisole is, like, actually underwear. But I kind of love it. I think she looks great.

Kate: Because she does look great. Also very much love the hair.

 

Ashanti

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Kate: I feel like I maybe said this last year, but, she’s here because…She’s still making music? This very poofy dress is very fun, though, and I like her hair short like that.

Erica: She has been famous since I was the right age to care who she was (not that I did even then, #lifelongnerd) and yet I have no mental image of her. She slips right out of my memory every year. That said, the dress would be super fun if I couldn’t see her nipples through it. Also, where’s your white rose, lady?

Kate: Oooh.

 

Beyonce

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Kate: I fear saying anything about her because of getting attacked by her fans.

Erica: We’ll probably survive.

Kate: She didn’t do the red carpet and showed up next to Jay-Z about halfway through the show, so I only caught glimpses of the outfit, at first. The dress itself is…Interesting…But I am anti-hat and sunglasses while indoors at night in NYC. It’s just too much of a statement.

Erica: I can’t see it super-well but the glasses-hat-sunglasses is a little weird. Also, Jay-Z is looking old.

Kate: And those earrings look like they weigh 100 pounds. That can’t be good for her earlobes.

 

Cardi B

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Kate: I had no idea that this is what she looks like. She has a very pretty face, and a very Gaga-esque dress on, which I love. Very…Misunderstood angel? Or some such?

Erica: This is insane and I applaud it. Also, I only know who Cardi B is because over the last month, I’ve been seeing posts in my Facebook feed that say things like, “Cardi B has now sold more records than the Beatles!” and I have gone, “Who?”

Kate: I don’t like the piecey-ness of the hairdo, but I get how it goes with the overall thing.

 

Chrissy Teigen

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Kate: Oh, I forgot she’s pregnant again.

Erica: Me, too. I thought she had trouble getting pregnant?

Kate: I don’t love the length of this or the drapey sleeves, but for once I do not mind the belt because of the baby bump. The two work well together.

Erica: I don’t love this, but I just don’t love it. It’s not my thing. What is my thing is that she and her husband, whatshisname, donated $200,000 to Time’s Up on behalf of all the U.S. gymnasts who have been abused by their doctor. That’s pretty good.

Kate: John Legend. Yes, very good. Those shoes look new levels of uncomfortable, and I don’t like the red clutch with the silver sparkly dress.

 

Cyndi Lauper

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Kate: I mean, what ELSE would she wear?

Erica: Look, you do you, Cyndi Lauper. You’ve never shown any inclination to be less than 100% who you are, and you shouldn’t stop now.

 

Eve

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Kate: I feel like this is something she would have worn, and possibly did wear, to this exact award show when her music was popular, but I’m not sure what to do with it in 2018.

Erica: Do I know who this person is? Her face looks familiar. Does she possibly have cheetah paw print tattoos on her chest? Anyway, yeah, either this is dated, or we’re old now and the stuff that was popular when we were young is having a revival.

Kate: She does! And the similar-but-different sparkly pantsuit she wore to present an award was MUCH better.

 

Hailee Steinfeld

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Kate: Yup. This is what you should look like at the Grammys when you are this age and this gorgeous. Do I like the bright turquoise eye shadow? No, not by itself, but it works with the loose wavy dark hair and tight bright white dress and above-the-knee shiny purple boots. Props to her stylist.

Erica: I really love the hair. I would like the boots to be a slimmer fit under such a slim dress. But I appreciate them.

Kate: Move over, Dorit Kemsley, THIS is how you do purple boots!

Erica: Ugh, I hate Dorit. Even if Dorit wore purple boots to perfection, I would still prefer Hailee Steinfeld wearing them because I prefer Hailee Steinfeld existing in my consciousness.

 

Heidi Klum

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Kate: I did NOT recognize her when she came onto the red carpet to talk to Giuliana. Took me SEVERAL minutes. Maybe it’s the darker, longer hair?

Erica: Yeah, I’m not loving the hair. I mean, I think she could go darker, but I hate that way-dark-roots look.

Kate: Also, it looks like she kept one of her Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show costumes and threw some sheer material over it. She obviously looks phenomenal, but it’s not my type of thing.

Erica: It’s kind of my type of thing, at least for the Grammys. It’s, like, her level of weirdness matched the level of expected weirdness and kind of found a mellow spot.

 

Janelle Monae

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Kate: Standard.

Erica: Oh, really? I like this. I like this very, very much. It might be my favorite so far. I wish her hair was not blonde but I’m into the look. Maybe because it’s making me think of Ferdinand.

Kate: Standard for Janelle Monae, I mean. She always wears some combination of black and white, so I like that this has pops of color, and she often wears a pantsuit, but so does everyone else these days. Like Anna Kendrick’s, I like how this is different with the wider leg, and when she introduced Kesha the camera zoomed in on her very-cool makeup.

 

Jenny McCarthy

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Kate: I thought this was Katy Perry, at first.

Erica: Ugh. Vaccinate your kids. I know, I know, evil Big Pharma and Western Medicine, but once upon a time, losing at least one of your kids to a childhood disease was, like, an everyday occurence and now it’s fairly rare in countries with access to vaccines and also Jenny McCarthy is a former co-host of an MTV dating show and not a doctor.

Kate: Ummm, I have no opinion on this issue. Honestly, this is very kooky, but somehow it works. Not Best Dressed works, but, works.

Erica: I will give her no credit. The top looks weirdly baggy.

 

Katie Holmes

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Kate: I am stumped as to why she is here looking fresh off the set of The Great Gatsby.

Erica: Well, just the hair. The dress is sort of sad 1950s.

Kate: I don’t love her hair short and slicked like that, the dress is ok, and I hate the shoes so much. You can’t tell from this photo, but those heels are so thick they look ridiculous.

Erica: I don’t like the dress. At all. The whole thing is like she’s trying to unpretty herself.

 

Kelly Clarkson

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Kate: I guess this black-and-gold concept is her thing, now? There’s too much going on here. We don’t need all these instances of gold — maybe just 2 of the 4 — and we certainly don’t need the fringe.

Erica: You know what? I would like this if it were for the Met Gala. For the Grammys, it’s a little too regal.

Kate: Fair.

 

Kesha

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Kate: This feels like a wasted opportunity to me.

Erica: This just feels kind of ugly to me.

Kate: She is back on the scene with an amazing song this year, and she went through some serious struggles over the last few years, so her first red carpet moment after all that should have had more pizazz, more elegance mixed with her quirky personality, but this is just a blue suit with a silky white button-down and long wavy hair. Wasted opportunity.

Erica: I kind of hate the suit. I like her performance outfit better. PS, now both my kids are in love with her old songs.

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Kate: But her performance outfit was just a white suit over the same silky button-down! All of the other women on stage had much more interesting all-white outfits. (I remember Zoe liking her when she was Ke$ha, perhaps because of the Glee episode dedicated to her?)

Erica: Yeah, and we have a bunch of her songs on Just Dance. Sadie likes them.

 

Lady Gaga

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Kate: I love it — it’s a mix of her old wackiness and more recent red carpet elegance. Very much love the dramatic eye makeup.

Erica: Yeah, she’s got the whackadoo-but-done-well thing down.

Kate: The only thing I don’t like is the hair, which looks like French braid pigtails a la Little House on the Prairie.

Erica: Well, it’s an added bit of whackadoo.

Kate: Her performance dress (again, why wear a different one on the red carpet if you are just going to change in 5 minutes?) is even more Gaga, an enormous pink number that on anyone else I would hate.

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Erica: I guess I understand why she wouldn’t want to debut her big performance look on the carpet, because for Lady Gaga, the costuming is so much a part of the performance that it would take something away from the moment she appears on stage. But then why do the red carpet at all? Why not just show up at the back of the theater in your PJs and get dressed backstage? This is why I’m not a celebrity.

 

Lana Del Rey

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Kate: Now this is my type of dress, but probably not a Grammys type of dress. It also probably doesn’t need the necklace. It’s very lovely and light and fluttery. I maybe would have done an updo, though.

Erica: I quite like the dress. I’m fine with it at the Grammys. The hair thing is also weird and cool and I like it although it looks a little like maybe she got it at Claire’s, although I’m sure it’s more expensive than it looks. My thing is, is that what she always looked like? I feel like I have a very different picture of her in my head.

 

Lisa Loeb

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Kate: Well who knew she was still around, eh? Her skin looks amazing, but not as amazing as her arms. I want those arms.

Erica: I definitely didn’t know she was still around and I definitely didn’t know she was still doing things that could win a person Grammys but I am so happy to see her and I think she looks great! Her hair looks adorable like that. She invented that glasses trend the first time around and can still rock it now, and the dress maybe could use a better hem but looks great on her tiny, rock-hard little body!

Kate:The casualness of the hair and glasses is kind of in juxtaposition with the fanciness of the gown (which I like very much), but somehow, it…Works. And I kind of love it!

Erica: Yeah, I’m with you. Love!

 

Lorde

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Kate: She’s looking very Anne Hathaway with that red lip and equally red dress. I like her hair like that.

Erica: Did you know Anne Hathaway was also the name of Shakespeare’s (possibly estranged) wife? Do you suppose her parents knew that when they gave her that name?

Kate: Oh, dear.

Erica: I like her hair but I don’t like the dress. I think it makes her boobs look weird and the bottom looks cheaply put together.

 

Miley Cyrus

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Kate: I…Don’t know what to do with this.

Erica: I mean, I like the dress. I think it’s very pretty. It’s a weird dress for her to be wearing, but on another person, and/or on another occasion, I think it’d be one of my favorites.

Kate: Do you mean her performance dress?

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Erica: Ah, yes. Yes, I do. Sorry, I couldn’t actually watch, so I’m just looking at pictures. So I like the red/pink flowy dress. I wish she had done something more with it — or been about thirty years older while wearing it — but it’s a pretty dress. 

Kate: It’s ok, a little much, but it doesn’t at all go with plain-Jane hair or makeup. Everything about her red carpet ensemble says “I don’t want to be here”, and, if that’s the case, Ms. Attitude, then…Don’t. Be here.

Erica: Now that I am looking at the red carpet look, I am thinking about my distinction between Wearing a Dress (or Outfit) and Creating a Look. The Grammys is an event where, if you’re on the border, you should choose Look. And her red carpet ensemble created the opportunity for a Look, which she did not commit to. So, yes, it then comes across as not wanting to be there. Even if she did have the biggest white rose.  

Kate: But she sang with Elton John! Isn’t that a reason to want to be there? (Why did she of all people get to do that, by the way?)

 

Pink

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Kate: She couldn’t have worn a more Pink dress if she tried. It’s not my favorite but it’s the right thing for her to wear.

Erica: I mean, it’s insane. But that’s fine.

 

Reba McEntire

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Kate: I know some ladies like wearing these types of dresses because they create the illusion of a slimmer waistline, but this one is freakishly slim. Otherwise, fine.

Erica: I think it’s boring and makes her boobs look droopy. Did you see that she’s, like, Colonel Sanders now or something? Is that a real thing or some nonsense on my Facebook feed I didn’t investigate hard enough to realize it was a joke?

Kate: This is why I don’t go on Facebook anymore.

 

Rihanna

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Kate: Ok, I’ll start with something positive: I like her hair.

Erica: Her hair does look amazing.

Kate: Everyone in the entertainment world will be falling all over themselves about how great this shiny brown raincoat dress and matching boots are and I will never understand why, but I suppose that’s why I’m not the head of a fashion magazine or anything.

Erica: I don’t mind it. I’m not seeing a good picture of it but from what I’m seeing, it’s interesting and a little outlandish but still well-made and well-fitted and everything. I kind of like her performance outfit better, although it is boring and obvious. It just makes her look amazing. Was Rihanna always so va-va-voom curvy?

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Kate: Her hair also looked good during her performance, but the dress was a little too middle-school-dance-recital for me. No, she is looking curvier than usual.

Erica: Well, I like it.

 

Rita Ora

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Kate: Hmmm, she is usually a little wilder than this. It’s pretty, but you can’t even see the fun sparkly accents in the photo that you could see during the pre-show.

Erica: I have heard her name a million times and it’s still not clear to me who she is. I actually like the idea of the outfit, and the white rose looks good on it, but what’s with the weird gaping at the top? And I hate the hair color situation.

Kate: She is a singer? She always has weird hair color situations.

 

Sarah Silverman

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Kate: What. The. Actual. F*ck.

Erica: She’s going to the Grammys dressed as 1986 Madonna!

Kate: What the f*ck!!!!

Erica: You saw her last week. She was, like, poised and proper-looking. It made her nuts. She had to brat out.

Kate: Worst Dressed. Not even worth a discussion.

Erica: Okay, who for Best? If we’re going with “Outfits I would definitely wear if I had all the money and no f*cks to give,” I’d go with Lana Del Rey, but I can be persuaded to favor someone else.

Kate: How about Lisa Loeb because now we’re both old?

Erica: Yes! Embrace the aging! See you for the BIG shindig!

Kate: She means the Oscars, people! March 4! Tune in here March 5 for our very qualified opinions on all the fashion and political statements, since apparently these go hand in hand now!

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