Kate: I am only going to know the TV show aspect of this year’s Golden Globes; I really do not see any non-comic book movies anymore.
Erica: It’s okay; TV is the new movies.
Kate: True. But that doesn’t mean I can’t judge everyone on the red carpet from the comfort of my own couch (and sweatpants)!
Erica: I am accompanied by a special assistant tonight, by the way. Will keep you posted if she has any opinions.
Zoe: I am just judging style.
Kate: And away we go!
Kate: Ok, so it’s definitely Different. I’ll give her that. I do not think I like the sequined-bra-as-part-of-the-dress thing, though. I know it’s the dress and not actually her bra, I just don’t think I like it. Maybe if the sequined bra were extended throughout the entire bodice with the sheer overlay?
Erica: I actually do think I like it. I feel like she is a person who goes for “looks” over “dresses”, and I appreciate that about her as a person, and I enjoy this as a look. It’s a little bit like a snarky twist on classic glam, but well executed.
Kate: Ok, but I don’t think it needs the black ribbon thing in the back.
Erica: Oh, I like it.
Zoe: I like the dress design, but the ribbon is unnecessary and the waist is unnaturally bunchy. Go back and look at it. Once you see you can’t unsee. But…LOVE THE HAIR.
Kate: Agree, Zo!
Kate: Oh I thought she was so pretty in Aquaman but this is a big ol’ mess.
Erica: I thought I knew what she looked like but apparently I was wrong? (I have not seen Aquaman.)
Kate: Her hair is insane, her makeup doesn’t do her face justice, and the gown just does not fit her, or possibly anyone. Meh!
Erica: I think I understand what her hair was supposed to be doing, but it looks super-messy, and the skirt of the dress — I mean, beyond my black-and-white formalwear thing, it’s super-wrinkly and messy looking.
Kate: I feel like she is always nominated for something that I have absolutely no intention of seeing/watching.
Erica: She’s definitely become this sort of critical darling, you know? I guess she didn’t want the America’s sweetheart career she could have had.
Kate: This is a very nice color on her, one we don’t see too often on the red carpet/in formal wear, right? I like it on her but am worried the overall look is just a bit too casual.
Erica: Yeah, it’s an unusual color, and I like it. (It’s not coming across well in photos; it looked like it had more green in it on the telecast.) But the fabric is a little too blah and the overall dress isn’t special or interesting. Her hair, as always, is pure perfection.
Zoe: Pretty hair! I despise that color, though. Especially on her. I hate the style as well. So I despise the entire dress.
Kate: Oh, I didn’t expect to see her here! Have we not seen her in awhile?
Erica: She was in Ocean’s 8. We just watched it. It was pretty much fun. I don’t know if that’s why she’s here. Jason loves her.
Kate: I don’t love the animal print on her or on the red carpet but she looks great.
Erica: I don’t love animal print, period the end.
Zoe: Oh, that’s Princess Mia! I want to burn the top, but the rest looks good.
Kate: Zoe you are HARSH and I love it.
Kate: The geometry of her face is bothering me, but my goodness she is still very gorgeous.
Erica: So I’ve seen her face on posters advertising a movie or series that may or may not be on a Facebook streaming service? Is that a thing?
Kate: I have no idea, comic book movies only. That shade of green is lovely on her, but dresses with crazy one-shouldered structures like that are not my favorite.
Erica: I feel she’s pulling it off. As she is pulling off a face that eerily resembles the one she had 20 years ago.
Kate: Oh wow. Super-gorgeous.
Erica: I mean, she is. Always.
Kate: There’s nothing too new or interesting about this dress or overall look, but it is absolutely perfect on her and extremely elegant.
Erica: I don’t love it. Black and white. Weird bow. But, jeez, she’s so beautiful.
Zoe: Love the dress, the hair’s okay, but she is one of the best moms out in Hollywood.
Kate: Ha, what?!
Kate: Ok so I still love her a lot, and I love her makeup and jewelry here, but I do not like the dress. Looks like a very fancy nightgown.
Erica: It’s a similar color to Rachel Brosnahan’s (see below), but she’s not pulling it off quite as beautifully, despite the similar coloring. I think her makeup might be arguing with the dress color. Plus it’s not fitted enough in the shoulders or boobs; I think that’s what’s giving it the more nightgown look. Which, I like the fancy nightgown look, but it has to be executed perfectly.
Zoe: She just failed to copy Rachel. That’s it.
Kate: Agree on the very dark makeup arguing with the very light dress color.
Erica: The hair! The hair is perfect as the hair should have always been and should always be!
Kate: She always looks nuts at award shows/never plays up her true natural beauty, right? And finally she looks like this! Yayyyy!!
Erica: I love the color on her.
Zoe: The hair is gorgeous and I love the light blue quilted dress.
Erica: Have you watched Dirty John? I don’t know if I should. I did enjoy how they made it a thing with Vicki Gunvalson of RHOC, like, “Hey, doesn’t this remind you of your life, and how you stupidly went out with that evil guy forever?”
Kate: I thought that was a bit of a reach, TBH. I have not watched but am thrilled she was nominated because, hair!
(The following is an exact transcript of the reactions Zoe and Erica had to seeing Constance Wu on the red carpet.)
Erica: Oh, yes, Constance Wu.
Zoe: Oh, no, Constance Wu.
Kate: No I have not seen or read Crazy Rich Asians yet; I will, am just busy watching comic book movies and reading 12-year-old reading-level books.
Erica: You’re going to love Crazy Rich Asians, the book and the movie. I know I’ve said this to you before, but it’s basically Real Housewives of Singapore, if Real Housewives had plots.
Kate: Without the bright orange bow this would be a very very naked dress, so I think it needs it, but I don’t think I like the overall thing. I appreciate its uniqueness, though.
Erica: I love it. I love the nakedness and the orange bow and her gorgeous glowing skin and everything about it.
Kate: I mean, I don’t hate it.
Kate: It’s just too much of everything. Too much sparkle, too much fringe, too much dress, too much bad makeup. Isn’t she, like, pretty and smart and talented? Why does she always get award shows wrong?
Erica: She’s a Brandeis alum. They don’t really teach us about proper red carpet fashion there.
Kate: Oh but it’s so short! Doesn’t she always have problems with dress length at these things?
Erica: Always! I like this better than I like it when she goes tea length but why is this happening? And why is her hair in a weird ponytail?
Kate: I mean, I think I like it other than that? Even the hair and makeup and jewelry?
Erica: I would like it if it were a gown. (It looked more navy in the telecast, which I liked.) Or if we were not at the Golden Globes. But it’s not working for me as is.
Zoe: She is under arrest for breaking the rules of Golden Globes fashion by wearing a miniskirt! What does she think she’s doing?!
Kate: Sing it sister! Um, niece!
Kate: Uuuuugh I do NOT like this hair! At all! It’s so…Dated!
Erica: Aw, man, I do like this hair. I guess I am dated.
Kate: The dress is quite something, though. I can’t help but feel uncomfortable and itchy just looking at it, but it is impressive.
Erica: She’s definitely coming into her A-List status.
Zoe: I just love it!
Kate: Oh I don’t know, I just feel like we have seen her in this before, no? I’m bored.
Erica: What was that one stunningly gorgeous dress she wore? With the stars? She really can’t top that.
Kate: The Golden Globes 2017 one?
Erica: Yeah, that’s the one. This is sort of frumpy. Her makeup is lovely, though. You know, she shouted out an apology for playing a non-white person in the movie Aloha, and I have to say, directing ire at actors for taking roles they’re offered, especially actors who are not already, say, Brad Pitt or Julia Roberts (and yeah, I think you do need that level of success to feel secure as an actor in Hollywood), rather than directing ire at the casting directors, directors, producers, and studio, is misplaced.
Kate: Oh I think I like this.
Erica: It is a lot like what she usually wears. I like it.
Kate: I don’t totally love the neckline or the cutouts, but the rest of it is very lovely. Would have gone with a low loose bun or pony here instead of all down and wavy — show off those dresses and those jewels, ladies!
Erica: Have you seen Jane the Virgin, Kate? It is delicious.
Kate: If it’s not based on a comic book, then nope.
Kate: The long low pony is giving me lots of J.Lo vibez, in a good way.
Erica: Oh, I thought you’d feel like it was too low-maintenance.
Kate: No I like. I’m not sure how I feel about the dress. I go back and forth, possibly because I don’t think it should be in that color, but her body is so goddamn incredible I hardly notice the dress.
Erica: I mean, she’s one of those people who, you know, the dress should be honored to be on her. I like the dress, though. I think it does a good job of showcasing her.
Kate: How. Did. She. Get. That. Hair.
Erica: She and Amy Adams go to the same hairdresser.
Kate: No, hers is way better. It’s just always so perfect!
Erica: It is, it is. It is what I wish my hair looked like.
Kate: I could take or leave the dress.
Erica: I think it’s nice enough but not anything to rave about.
Erica: She is to me the epitome of crazy done right and tonight is no exception.
Kate: I think she has fantastic makeup all of the time, but I do not understand this Look.
Kate: Oh I am very into the high pony on her. Very into it.
Erica: I like the hair, yes.
Kate: But the dress is way, way too old for her and has too many things happening on it. Do not like.
Erica: Yeah, that is three dresses on one body and it’s too much. Any one of those dresses, or maybe even a combo of two of them, would be okay, but altogether it’s overwhelming.
Kate: Oh, my god. Everyone bow down. Actually, everyone go home. There is no point to anything anymore after this effing PERFECTION. PERFECTION! JULIA!
Erica: For real?
Kate: BEST DRESSED!
Erica: I…Think you might be biased? Or you are seeing something I am not? I mean, she looks great. But I do not love the ensemble at all.
Kate: Hair, makeup and jewels = beautiful, nailed it, 0 critique from me. Dress, on the other hand…
Erica: Yes. She is eternally gorgeous.
Kate: It looks unfinished, no? Like they left too much material on the not-sure-if-it’s-a-peplum-or-not thing? If they’d just stopped at the waist and continued into that same skirt it’d be perfect.
Erica: I think it’s just a bad dress. Nothing about its concept or execution really works.
Kate: I honestly don’t have any positive feelings toward her as a person/I never understand why she is always at these things without ever having really accomplished anything, but I have to admit I really like this whole look here. Hair, makeup, dress — material, colors, silhouette, pockets…All. Of. It. Want it for myself.
Zoe: I adore the whole look. Perfect score!
Kate: Thank you Zo!
Erica: It is amazing that being on a mediocre but long-running sitcom gets you an invite every year. I am on the record as not loving black-and-white formal wear. This isn’t an exception to that for me.
Kate: Absolutely hate everything about her hair.
Kate: The dress could be ok — the right elements are there, especially the color(s) — but it’s just not doing it for me.
Erica: No. She dresses like she’s rebelling against Hollywood, which, for f’s sake, Kate, if you don’t want to be in Hollywood, don’t be. Isla Fisher will be happy to take your jobs for you.
Kate: I think she is still just so gorgeous.
Erica: I wish she’d wear her hair curly, like on Felicity. It’s pretty like that.
Kate: I do like the sparkle but the heavy material, especially around the shoulders, kind of drowns her petite little frame. So I don’t like that.
Erica: I absolutely agree. If the fabric were lighter, I’d really like this.
Zoe: It feels baggy, not really thought out. But I do love the sparkles! She’s wearing a sparkly sack.
Kate: Sparkly sack indeed. I also don’t like whatever is going on with her hair — there’s no part and it’s kind of slicked back but kind of not?
Kate: Ugh she looks so good in pink, and also in everything.
Erica: YOU GUYS YOU GUYS YOU GUYS HULU IS REVIVING VERONICA MARS I MIGHT HAVE A HEART ATTACK BEFORE I GET TO SEE IT SO JUST COME TO MY GRAVESTONE WITH AN IPAD AND SHOW IT TO ME OKAY? Thanks.
Kate: I still have not seen the movie! Feel like I sound like a broken record here but once again I would have done something different with the hair. She’s so pretty.
Erica: She’s so pretty. The dress is so pretty on her. And she is so pretty. She could have been more sculpted in her hair.
Zoe: I just love it and think it’s the best it could be.
Kate: Hooray for Kristen Bell!
Kate: Why have I still not seen A Star Is Born? The previews almost made me cry so maybe I’m just not emotionally ready?
Erica: I can’t see that movie. Did you know the dog is really Brad Cooper’s dog?
Kate: Crap maybe I really can’t see it. I appreciate that this is a Very Lady Gaga Look and what we can expect from someone such as herself, but that doesn’t mean I like it. I hate that periwinkle color — on the dress and in her hair — but I do like the necklace quite a bit. Am now having mixed feelings about this Look.
Zoe: I hate it. I mean, you can go nuts and look not hideous. I love the color and the necklace, but I hate it.
Erica: I like the color on the dress but not the hair. It’s making her hair look like it’s thinning, and it’s aging her. I actually think the dress is not bad — on the general scale of her nuttiness — but I think for a master class in how to go nuts and look beautiful, one should look to Janelle Monae.
Zoe: This dress makes me want to Gag-a. (Bleh!)
Kate: Oh, good pun.
Kate: I think someone very statuesque like Cate Blanchett or Nicole Kidman could pull this off perfectly; on little Lucy Liu it’s kind of swallowing her. Maybe the dress by itself without the sheer overlay thing would have been better?
Erica: I don’t like anything about it. I mean, except the woman wearing it, of course. I feel like the sheer overlay is trying to distract us from the ugliness of the Matisse-like sequin situation. Also, is that a sliver of midriff? I do not approve. (Of midriffs at formal events in general. Not of her particular midriff.)
Kate: I also do not like the lighter hair color on her.
Zoe: I absolutely despise her dress with every fiber in my being. And the overlay. I would prefer them burned so no one will have to wear that monstrosity of an outfit. But I love the hair and makeup. They look awesome!
Kate: I think the dress is stunning but her hair is throwing me off. The earrings are sort of helping.
Erica: She’s just so pretty. So, so, so pretty. Like, that face. It’s just an unbelievably pretty face. I don’t know how I feel about her dress. It’s fine, I think. The hair is confusing to me, probably because I am not nearly woke enough. But I just want to stare at her beautiful face.
Zoe: I like the dress but I hate her hair.
Kate: The stars feel a bit tacky to me but without them it would be way too much purple, probably. The whole thing is very Professor McGonagall.
Erica: Oh, that’s another movie I really want to see and probably never will. I think I would like the stars if this were a different event.
Zoe: Ew. Just ew.
Erica: This is the mom from Crazy Rich Asians. The color is so fabulous and I didn’t realize the ring from the movie was her own ring! Cool!
Kate: It is a beautiful ring, but this color does not look as nice on her as it does on CZJ and the fabric/pattern at the bottom is a little too under-the-sea for me.
Kate: Nope. Looks like a red rubber suit. Like a darker version of what Britney Spears wore in the Oops! I Did It Again music video.
Erica: It’s not my thing. It would never be my thing. I suppose it’s a well-executed version of the thing it is.
Kate: Hate the black ribbon in the hair too.
Erica: Yeah. She has a specific silhouette, but it works on her. I even am okay that it’s not a full-length gown.
Kate: Hmmm, I don’t love when she wears her hair up because it’s usually so voluminous and lovely, and it looks like she’s wearing a very little backpack at the very top of her back, but she’s so beautiful it’s hard to really care about those things.
Erica: I support all of this. The dress is a little much for me but she’s gorgeous.
Kate: I really think the dress could do without the velvet straps/backpack, but the rest of it is actually quite magical and makes her look like Nyx. And her makeup is always so damn perfect.
Erica: I saw a Buzzfeed listicle about celebrities people can’t tell apart and she was on it with Salma Hayek as her alleged doppelgänger, which…They are both gorgeous, but pretty distinct from each other.
Zoe: I hate the hair but I love how the dress has kind of an intergalactic feel.
Kate: Now that I am officially a fan of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, I am officially a fan of Rachel, and I think she is absolutely gorgeous. Her makeup is always so damn perfect on that show and it was perfect at the Globes as well, you just can’t really tell that from this photo.
Erica: Oh, I’m so excited you like the show! It’s so good!
Zoe: I like when it’s on! It’s funny!
Kate: I am impressed that such a fair-skinned lady can pull off such a yellow dress (again, can’t really tell that from this photo but it looked great during the telecast), and I probably wouldn’t like it on anyone else. The skirt is the most perfect A-line ever and I think she has an essentially perfect body.
Erica: Yes, I think this more mustardy color (as opposed to a more sunny or chartreuse-y yellow) can be worn by the dark-haired and fair-skinned among us. She looks just dreamy. I wonder if she borrowed a stylist from the show.
Kate: Man, I am gushing over her. The only thing I would have done differently here is a softer, looser hairstyle, maybe with some of that lovely bouncy wave her character is known for.
Zoe: Simply perfect. Just perfect.
Kate: It’s not terrible but it is terribly ruffly, and I do not like the choker.
Erica: No. It is terrible.
Kate: Hair and makeup are great, though.
Erica: I think her hair and makeup are good and she is beautiful but the dress is a big no for me.
Zoe: She looks like she got attacked by five flocks of seagulls and scraped all the feathers off for her dress.
Kate: OoOoOoh I love this sparkly rosé dress situation, it looks fantastic on her. Tailored perfectly.
Erica: Yeah, for real. It’s such perfection because it’s the perfect combination of girly, but also fitted, but also sparkly.
Kate: I like her hair but I think a slightly deconstructed low bun could have worked too. She might be my best dressed behind Julia Roberts right now!
Erica: Ooh, that’s big. I am a fan of the hair. I see what you’re saying but I think I prefer what she actually did. I’m also feeling like I’ve seen, like, shots of the movie she’s in, and it looks pretty good.
Zoe: Perfect hair, dress, and makeup. A 10 out of 10.
Kate: Oh dear. I need a minute to think about this.
Erica: I do not. I had an immediate negative visceral reaction. It’s like pretty girls find their prettiness too boring and need to mess it up somehow.
Kate: Ok, it’s definitely Interesting. And Daring. And New and Different. So there’s that.
Erica: There is that. And I try to like those things. But I do not like this dress.
Kate: The dress would probably not work on its own without the sparkly cropped jacket hanging over her shoulders, and I don’t want to like that, but I think I do? I just don’t like how the bottom of the skirt looks like what southern belles wore under their giant skirts in the 1800s, what were those called again?
Kate: Yes! And does she always wear her hair like that? Great makeup. She is very beautiful.
Erica: The makeup, I will say, is spot-on and gorgeous.
Zoe: I kind of like the dress. I just kind of like the whole look.
Kate: This does not surprise me.
Kate: Really hard for me to see her as anything but Cristina Yang.
Erica: I am going to go ahead and assume that Cristina Yang is her Grey’s character. I mainly think of her in Sideways. But I love her and I love the red carpet look.
Kate: I need to actually sit down and watch that movie sometime. Her first look is very Marilyn Monroe/Copacabana, and not in a bad way…Except the hair. Do not like the hair.
Erica: Oh, I do.
Zoe: The red carpet dress reminds me of Swan Lake.
Kate: Her second look (which begs the age-old question, why wear something different on the red carpet if you’re just going to change immediately?) is better — red looks fabulous on her — including the hair. And I love a deep V.
Erica: So many questions. I do like the second look.
Sadie: Red! Mama? Mama? Red!
Erica: And then there’s a third look. Honestly, isn’t it exhausting?
Kate: The third look is my favorite, especially the back, which I of course cannot find a picture of. Again, I would like this for myself.
Kate: Oh, absolutely stunning. Really looks like it was made for her. Love it love it love it.
Erica: Talk about a naked dress. I don’t know that the picture is doing justice to how naked this dress is. I also don’t know that I love it.
Taraji P. Henson
Kate: I don’t know; the very straight long hair feels too casual for me in contrast with the very sparkly necklace and glamorous velvet(?) gown.
Erica: I feel like she has such an extreme relationship to her boobs. Either she covers them up to her chin, or they are all out there. No?
Erica: I feel like it’s a bit of a boring choice for her. Like, it’s nice. It’s fine. It’s glam. It’s just not particularly innovative, and I feel she’s usually more interesting than this.
Zoe: I love the makeup and hair. They are clashy with the dress and jewelry. The dress is plain. Just plain. They could have done much better.
Kate: The dress is pretty but not thrilling, and I would have liked to see her hair away from her face a bit. Er, I know you don’t like the cutouts.
Erica: She is one of my top ten prettiest humans, but I hate her hair this way. Probably because it’s not letting me see her face. And yes, I do not like the cutouts.
Zoe: It’s very 70s, with the hair, and the sparkly jumpsuit style of the dress.
Kate: You’re right. Ok, so, best dressed? Obviously Julia?
Erica: No? I think I’m going Regina King.
Kate: Blasphemy! Would give it to both. Worst dressed? Amber Heard?
Erica: I will accept that happily.
Kate: Well ok then. Next up: The SAG Awards on Jan. 27!