Grammys 2018

Kate: Tonight we are not bringing activists with us or wearing all black but we are wearing white roses. Because…

Erica: #metoo and Time’s Up. I don’t know. Look, Time’s Up is a good organization (I think). It’s a good cause (for sure). And if wearing white roses does something to help, then great. White roses. I still think activists on the red carpet, from whom you never move an inch so that everyone who covers the red carpet has to at least mention their name, was a better idea.

Kate: Right. Anyway, this is the award show where neither Erica nor I know many of the guests anymore, therefore, this post will only cover people with names we recognize. Sorry, relatively-new artists!

Erica: Wow, that’s going to limit us. A lot.

 

Anna Kendrick

Kate: Well damn! I love it. It’s a fun and interesting new way to wear these suits everyone’s been playing out; I like the sexy fitted camisole underneath. The only thing I would have changed is the shoes — the soft pink color throws off the rest of the vixen vibe. But would black shoes have been TOO obvious?

Erica: I’m actually going to applaud the color of the shoes specifically because they are not obvious. I don’t know what is happening to me right now. I want to hate this. I want to hate the shape of the jacket and the shape of the pants and the fact that the sexy camisole is, like, actually underwear. But I kind of love it. I think she looks great.

Kate: Because she does look great. Also very much love the hair.

 

Ashanti

Kate: I feel like I maybe said this last year, but, she’s here because…She’s still making music? This very poofy dress is very fun, though, and I like her hair short like that.

Erica: She has been famous since I was the right age to care who she was (not that I did even then, #lifelongnerd) and yet I have no mental image of her. She slips right out of my memory every year. That said, the dress would be super fun if I couldn’t see her nipples through it. Also, where’s your white rose, lady?

Kate: Oooh.

 

Beyonce

Kate: I fear saying anything about her because of getting attacked by her fans.

Erica: We’ll probably survive.

Kate: She didn’t do the red carpet and showed up next to Jay-Z about halfway through the show, so I only caught glimpses of the outfit, at first. The dress itself is…Interesting…But I am anti-hat and sunglasses while indoors at night in NYC. It’s just too much of a statement.

Erica: I can’t see it super-well but the glasses-hat-sunglasses is a little weird. Also, Jay-Z is looking old.

Kate: And those earrings look like they weigh 100 pounds. That can’t be good for her earlobes.

 

Cardi B

Kate: I had no idea that this is what she looks like. She has a very pretty face, and a very Gaga-esque dress on, which I love. Very…Misunderstood angel? Or some such?

Erica: This is insane and I applaud it. Also, I only know who Cardi B is because over the last month, I’ve been seeing posts in my Facebook feed that say things like, “Cardi B has now sold more records than the Beatles!” and I have gone, “Who?”

Kate: I don’t like the piecey-ness of the hairdo, but I get how it goes with the overall thing.

 

Chrissy Teigen

Kate: Oh, I forgot she’s pregnant again.

Erica: Me, too. I thought she had trouble getting pregnant?

Kate: I don’t love the length of this or the drapey sleeves, but for once I do not mind the belt because of the baby bump. The two work well together.

Erica: I don’t love this, but I just don’t love it. It’s not my thing. What is my thing is that she and her husband, whatshisname, donated $200,000 to Time’s Up on behalf of all the U.S. gymnasts who have been abused by their doctor. That’s pretty good.

Kate: John Legend. Yes, very good. Those shoes look new levels of uncomfortable, and I don’t like the red clutch with the silver sparkly dress.

 

Cyndi Lauper

Kate: I mean, what ELSE would she wear?

Erica: Look, you do you, Cyndi Lauper. You’ve never shown any inclination to be less than 100% who you are, and you shouldn’t stop now.

 

Eve

Kate: I feel like this is something she would have worn, and possibly did wear, to this exact award show when her music was popular, but I’m not sure what to do with it in 2018.

Erica: Do I know who this person is? Her face looks familiar. Does she possibly have cheetah paw print tattoos on her chest? Anyway, yeah, either this is dated, or we’re old now and the stuff that was popular when we were young is having a revival.

Kate: She does! And the similar-but-different sparkly pantsuit she wore to present an award was MUCH better.

 

Hailee Steinfeld

Kate: Yup. This is what you should look like at the Grammys when you are this age and this gorgeous. Do I like the bright turquoise eye shadow? No, not by itself, but it works with the loose wavy dark hair and tight bright white dress and above-the-knee shiny purple boots. Props to her stylist.

Erica: I really love the hair. I would like the boots to be a slimmer fit under such a slim dress. But I appreciate them.

Kate: Move over, Dorit Kemsley, THIS is how you do purple boots!

Erica: Ugh, I hate Dorit. Even if Dorit wore purple boots to perfection, I would still prefer Hailee Steinfeld wearing them because I prefer Hailee Steinfeld existing in my consciousness.

 

Heidi Klum

Kate: I did NOT recognize her when she came onto the red carpet to talk to Giuliana. Took me SEVERAL minutes. Maybe it’s the darker, longer hair?

Erica: Yeah, I’m not loving the hair. I mean, I think she could go darker, but I hate that way-dark-roots look.

Kate: Also, it looks like she kept one of her Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show costumes and threw some sheer material over it. She obviously looks phenomenal, but it’s not my type of thing.

Erica: It’s kind of my type of thing, at least for the Grammys. It’s, like, her level of weirdness matched the level of expected weirdness and kind of found a mellow spot.

 

Janelle Monae

Kate: Standard.

Erica: Oh, really? I like this. I like this very, very much. It might be my favorite so far. I wish her hair was not blonde but I’m into the look. Maybe because it’s making me think of Ferdinand.

Kate: Standard for Janelle Monae, I mean. She always wears some combination of black and white, so I like that this has pops of color, and she often wears a pantsuit, but so does everyone else these days. Like Anna Kendrick’s, I like how this is different with the wider leg, and when she introduced Kesha the camera zoomed in on her very-cool makeup.

 

Jenny McCarthy

Kate: I thought this was Katy Perry, at first.

Erica: Ugh. Vaccinate your kids. I know, I know, evil Big Pharma and Western Medicine, but once upon a time, losing at least one of your kids to a childhood disease was, like, an everyday occurence and now it’s fairly rare in countries with access to vaccines and also Jenny McCarthy is a former co-host of an MTV dating show and not a doctor.

Kate: Ummm, I have no opinion on this issue. Honestly, this is very kooky, but somehow it works. Not Best Dressed works, but, works.

Erica: I will give her no credit. The top looks weirdly baggy.

 

Katie Holmes

Kate: I am stumped as to why she is here looking fresh off the set of The Great Gatsby.

Erica: Well, just the hair. The dress is sort of sad 1950s.

Kate: I don’t love her hair short and slicked like that, the dress is ok, and I hate the shoes so much. You can’t tell from this photo, but those heels are so thick they look ridiculous.

Erica: I don’t like the dress. At all. The whole thing is like she’s trying to unpretty herself.

 

Kelly Clarkson

Kate: I guess this black-and-gold concept is her thing, now? There’s too much going on here. We don’t need all these instances of gold — maybe just 2 of the 4 — and we certainly don’t need the fringe.

Erica: You know what? I would like this if it were for the Met Gala. For the Grammys, it’s a little too regal.

Kate: Fair.

 

Kesha

Kate: This feels like a wasted opportunity to me.

Erica: This just feels kind of ugly to me.

Kate: She is back on the scene with an amazing song this year, and she went through some serious struggles over the last few years, so her first red carpet moment after all that should have had more pizazz, more elegance mixed with her quirky personality, but this is just a blue suit with a silky white button-down and long wavy hair. Wasted opportunity.

Erica: I kind of hate the suit. I like her performance outfit better. PS, now both my kids are in love with her old songs.

Kate: But her performance outfit was just a white suit over the same silky button-down! All of the other women on stage had much more interesting all-white outfits. (I remember Zoe liking her when she was Ke$ha, perhaps because of the Glee episode dedicated to her?)

Erica: Yeah, and we have a bunch of her songs on Just Dance. Sadie likes them.

 

Lady Gaga

Kate: I love it — it’s a mix of her old wackiness and more recent red carpet elegance. Very much love the dramatic eye makeup.

Erica: Yeah, she’s got the whackadoo-but-done-well thing down.

Kate: The only thing I don’t like is the hair, which looks like French braid pigtails a la Little House on the Prairie.

Erica: Well, it’s an added bit of whackadoo.

Kate: Her performance dress (again, why wear a different one on the red carpet if you are just going to change in 5 minutes?) is even more Gaga, an enormous pink number that on anyone else I would hate.

Erica: I guess I understand why she wouldn’t want to debut her big performance look on the carpet, because for Lady Gaga, the costuming is so much a part of the performance that it would take something away from the moment she appears on stage. But then why do the red carpet at all? Why not just show up at the back of the theater in your PJs and get dressed backstage? This is why I’m not a celebrity.

 

Lana Del Rey

Kate: Now this is my type of dress, but probably not a Grammys type of dress. It also probably doesn’t need the necklace. It’s very lovely and light and fluttery. I maybe would have done an updo, though.

Erica: I quite like the dress. I’m fine with it at the Grammys. The hair thing is also weird and cool and I like it although it looks a little like maybe she got it at Claire’s, although I’m sure it’s more expensive than it looks. My thing is, is that what she always looked like? I feel like I have a very different picture of her in my head.

 

Lisa Loeb

Kate: Well who knew she was still around, eh? Her skin looks amazing, but not as amazing as her arms. I want those arms.

Erica: I definitely didn’t know she was still around and I definitely didn’t know she was still doing things that could win a person Grammys but I am so happy to see her and I think she looks great! Her hair looks adorable like that. She invented that glasses trend the first time around and can still rock it now, and the dress maybe could use a better hem but looks great on her tiny, rock-hard little body!

Kate:The casualness of the hair and glasses is kind of in juxtaposition with the fanciness of the gown (which I like very much), but somehow, it…Works. And I kind of love it!

Erica: Yeah, I’m with you. Love!

 

Lorde

Kate: She’s looking very Anne Hathaway with that red lip and equally red dress. I like her hair like that.

Erica: Did you know Anne Hathaway was also the name of Shakespeare’s (possibly estranged) wife? Do you suppose her parents knew that when they gave her that name?

Kate: Oh, dear.

Erica: I like her hair but I don’t like the dress. I think it makes her boobs look weird and the bottom looks cheaply put together.

 

Miley Cyrus

Kate: I…Don’t know what to do with this.

Erica: I mean, I like the dress. I think it’s very pretty. It’s a weird dress for her to be wearing, but on another person, and/or on another occasion, I think it’d be one of my favorites.

Kate: Do you mean her performance dress?

Erica: Ah, yes. Yes, I do. Sorry, I couldn’t actually watch, so I’m just looking at pictures. So I like the red/pink flowy dress. I wish she had done something more with it — or been about thirty years older while wearing it — but it’s a pretty dress. 

Kate: It’s ok, a little much, but it doesn’t at all go with plain-Jane hair or makeup. Everything about her red carpet ensemble says “I don’t want to be here”, and, if that’s the case, Ms. Attitude, then…Don’t. Be here.

Erica: Now that I am looking at the red carpet look, I am thinking about my distinction between Wearing a Dress (or Outfit) and Creating a Look. The Grammys is an event where, if you’re on the border, you should choose Look. And her red carpet ensemble created the opportunity for a Look, which she did not commit to. So, yes, it then comes across as not wanting to be there. Even if she did have the biggest white rose.  

Kate: But she sang with Elton John! Isn’t that a reason to want to be there? (Why did she of all people get to do that, by the way?)

 

Pink

Kate: She couldn’t have worn a more Pink dress if she tried. It’s not my favorite but it’s the right thing for her to wear.

Erica: I mean, it’s insane. But that’s fine.

 

Reba McEntire

Kate: I know some ladies like wearing these types of dresses because they create the illusion of a slimmer waistline, but this one is freakishly slim. Otherwise, fine.

Erica: I think it’s boring and makes her boobs look droopy. Did you see that she’s, like, Colonel Sanders now or something? Is that a real thing or some nonsense on my Facebook feed I didn’t investigate hard enough to realize it was a joke?

Kate: This is why I don’t go on Facebook anymore.

 

Rihanna

Kate: Ok, I’ll start with something positive: I like her hair.

Erica: Her hair does look amazing.

Kate: Everyone in the entertainment world will be falling all over themselves about how great this shiny brown raincoat dress and matching boots are and I will never understand why, but I suppose that’s why I’m not the head of a fashion magazine or anything.

Erica: I don’t mind it. I’m not seeing a good picture of it but from what I’m seeing, it’s interesting and a little outlandish but still well-made and well-fitted and everything. I kind of like her performance outfit better, although it is boring and obvious. It just makes her look amazing. Was Rihanna always so va-va-voom curvy?

Kate: Her hair also looked good during her performance, but the dress was a little too middle-school-dance-recital for me. No, she is looking curvier than usual.

Erica: Well, I like it.

 

Rita Ora

Kate: Hmmm, she is usually a little wilder than this. It’s pretty, but you can’t even see the fun sparkly accents in the photo that you could see during the pre-show.

Erica: I have heard her name a million times and it’s still not clear to me who she is. I actually like the idea of the outfit, and the white rose looks good on it, but what’s with the weird gaping at the top? And I hate the hair color situation.

Kate: She is a singer? She always has weird hair color situations.

 

Sarah Silverman

Kate: What. The. Actual. F*ck.

Erica: She’s going to the Grammys dressed as 1986 Madonna!

Kate: What the f*ck!!!!

Erica: You saw her last week. She was, like, poised and proper-looking. It made her nuts. She had to brat out.

Kate: Worst Dressed. Not even worth a discussion.

Erica: Okay, who for Best? If we’re going with “Outfits I would definitely wear if I had all the money and no f*cks to give,” I’d go with Lana Del Rey, but I can be persuaded to favor someone else.

Kate: How about Lisa Loeb because now we’re both old?

Erica: Yes! Embrace the aging! See you for the BIG shindig!

Kate: She means the Oscars, people! March 4! Tune in here March 5 for our very qualified opinions on all the fashion and political statements, since apparently these go hand in hand now!

SAGs 2018

Erica: So no black this time.

Kate: Everyone will judge me for saying this, but, thank god.

Erica: I mean, not no black. But not, like, on-purpose all-black. My thing is, you were right; the more important part was bringing activists with them. Did they do that this time?

Kate: No, they did not.

Erica: By the way, I didn’t realize this, but the guys were all in black for the Golden Globes, too. You just couldn’t tell, because they were in tuxes.

Kate: People were very into the sparkle at the SAGs. I like it.

 

Alison Brie

Kate: Again, I feel like she is just too skinny, it’s freaking me out.

Erica: She is very skinny but I also just adore her face. And I think she’s very talented.

Kate: I hate every possible thing about this dress so very much. I get how it could be some kind of nod to her 80s-era TV show but the cutouts are ill placed and do not match the rest of the dress, the slit is too high and the shoes are all wrong. I haven’t even seen everyone yet, but, Worst Dressed nominee!

Erica: Yeah, this is definitely supposed to look like the TV show she is on, which is not a good aesthetic choice IMHO. Oh, wait, we’ve dedicated years of our lives to this blog. My O is not H at all. It’s a bad dress.

 

Allison Janney

Erica: Her makeup looks perfect.

Kate: Does it? Is she very tan?

Erica: I hate the dress, of course.

Kate: Of course. It looks extremely uncomfortable.

 

Allison Williams

Erica: I’m not loving the structure, but the beading is very pretty. You hate the hair, right?

Kate: I hate all of it — hair too dark and in a very strange ‘do, lips too dark, eye makeup too dark, skin too pale for makeup and dress, dress too structured — it’s scaring me.

 

Brie Larson

Kate: Curtains.

Erica: I am trying to come up with a way to say something nice about this dress. I am failing.

Kate: Sparkly curtains. Why is she frowning?

Erica: She doesn’t like the dress, either. She’s going to fire her stylist when she gets home. Her hair and makeup look pretty.

Kate: Yes, they do.

 

Connie Britton

Erica: Okay, so she wore her hair down.

Kate: This is classic Connie Britton! Just what I needed. Love.

Erica: The dress is…Just…I can’t. I literally can’t even.

Kate: Wait, what? Why? I like it!

Erica: Really? Maybe it looks better on the red carpet, but when I saw it on stage, I just hated it.

Kate: See? What should they dress for, the telecast or the photos? It’s all so unclear.

Erica: No, wait a second, I’ve seen pics and I still hate it. She’s too young to dress like my grandma.

Kate: Oh, which of our grandmas had this dress? 🙂

Erica: Grandma Edith would have ROCKED this.

Dakota Fanning

Kate: It’s very weird that she is a grown-up now. This dress is actually quite lovely, although too close to the color of her skin (and you know how I feel about THAT), and she’s almost too tall for it. Ya know?

Erica: I do not have your problem with the skin color issue. I think the dress is just a little too prom-y for her but she looks lovely.

 

Elisabeth Moss

Kate: That damn length again!

Erica: We can’t talk her out of it. And the skirt’s shape and slit make it almost look like a jumpsuit in some pics and it’s not very flattering to her figure and I hate it.

Kate: Agree about the jumpsuit thing. And, she still wore black. I do like it better than most of her usual red carpet choices, but…Meh.

Erica: I don’t like it at all.

 

Felicity Huffman

Erica: Her makeup is even better than Allison Janney’s.

Kate: Um her everything is even better than everyone’s…Everything! I absolutely adore this dress, and I’m not even bothered by the necklace and the long earrings. It all looks so fantastic, I want it.

Erica: If she and William H. Macy break up, it will break me in half. I will never believe in love again.

 

Frances McDormand

Erica: I like the…Color?

Kate: No, you don’t.

Erica: I accept that assessment.

Kate: It bothers me that she’s wearing some crazy-@ss dress, nice jewelry, but absolutely no makeup. Her hair is crazy but crazy hair is “in”, so all she needed was a touch of foundation and she would have looked acceptable.

 

Gabrielle Carteris

Erica: I didn’t realize who this was she was at first. If you don’t know, it’s Andrea from Beverly Hills 90210. And she looks amazing.

Kate: I thought it was Lizzie McGuire’s mom. Her boobs are NOT fitting into that dress. Good color, though.

Erica: She could be Lizzie McGuire’s mom, too. And where we know her from would let people know exactly how old each of us is.

Kate: She’s not, though.

Erica: Well, then, never mind. We’re both 25. I kind of enjoy her extreme cleavage, although not the cut-out under it. And I enjoy the cape situation.

 

Geena Davis & Susan Sarandon

Kate: Since they appeared on the carpet together (I guess they squashed the beef?), let’s critique them together.

Erica: Or maybe we are making up the beef in our head. Still, this is very unorthodox. (Deep sigh.) Okay, I’m ready. Let’s do this.

Kate: Geena’s dress looked like a very nice dark green on the telecast but here it looks black, and I think it looked better in the very nice dark green. Either way, it’s pretty, but the amount of work she’s had done on her face scares me.

Erica: Oh, yeah, I’m seeing black, and dark green would be nice. I pretty much like the dress. It’s her usual thing, but it’s her usual thing done well.

Kate: Susan is wearing cat-eye shades on the red carpet, so I love that, but it’s probably because she was high. I like that she ditched her usual pantsuit for a sparkly (!) blue number, which looks quite nice on her. I didn’t realize how tiny she was, but I guess everyone is tiny next to Geena.

Erica: The trouble with sparkles is they are hard to tailor, and her dress looked a bit long to me and awkward in the skirt, but it could be that I’m looking for things to critique. The dress is a nice color and shape and it looked good on her.

 

Gina Rodriguez

Kate: I hate that top black bra part oh so very much. It makes the dress look unfinished. Although I don’t think I would like it without that, either.

Erica: Whereas I would have liked it very much without that black bra thing. BTW, I couldn’t get a pic of her without her costar Yael Grobglas from “Jane the Virgin”. Kate, have you seen it? It is bonkers and I love it.

Kate: I have not watched it and am currently overwhelmed by all the shows I need to watch (and rewatch) right now.

 

Goldie Hawn

Kate: While this color is universally gross, she actually looks nice and age-appropriate and comfortable.

Erica: You don’t like this color? I like this color fine and I think she looks lovely.

Kate: Sky/powder blue? So 90s, and not the 90s that is always in the process of making a comeback.

 

Greta Gerwig

Kate: Hmmm…I only saw this from the waist up on the telecast, and I liked it (including the hair, makeup and jewelry, because it all suits her and her “thing” well), but now I feel like it’s too much. Perhaps if the waist were nipped in and the skirt flared out a little/had something different going on? Different pattern? Different material? Maybe I just like the top as…A top?

Erica: Yeah, I don’t like it. At all. On any level. Still want to see Lady Bird, though.

 

Halle Berry

Erica: Lovely. Special. Very revealing but Jesus Christmas, I’d reveal that if I had it, too.

Kate: During the pre-show she kept like, fluffing out the sheer black overlay of the skirt, but in a way that said, “Here, I’m here, wearing a dress, happy?” It was very not-Halle. For the second award show in a row this year, I don’t like her hair, but, yes, everything else, Jesus Christmas.

 

Kate Hudson

Erica: Okay, I’ve come up with a few plausible explanations of this look: 1) She really wanted her mom to be the shining, sexy star tonight, so she deliberately made herself look insane; 2) She really hates her mom and wanted everyone to say, “Sure, Goldie looks good, but what did she do to her daughter that her daughter would appear in public dressed that way?”; 3) She has a young daughter who is going through a deep Little House on the Prairie phase and she allowed that daughter to dress her; 4) As the creator of an athletics line, she has to have a perfect-looking body at all times, but when she woke up Sunday morning she discovered a tiny little flab of fat on her upper arm and she could not wear her usual lovely, slinky, fashion-forward gown, and the only one she could find to cover up her imperfection was this.

Kate: 5) Rhett Butler vomited chocolate-chip cotton candy all over one of Scarlett O’Hara’s dresses. I. Can. NOT. !!!

 

Kristen Bell

Erica: Her red carpet look, pictured here, is gorgeous and special and I love it. (Okay, it’s a little long on her, but I still love it.)

Kate: Yes I like it a lot, the color is perfect for her.

Erica: Of course she always looks lovely. She’s the most adorable person.

Kate: Great teeth, great smile. Her first presenting dress is even better — ooh la la!

Erica: See, I prefer the red carpet look, partially because black bores me. But she continues to be adorable.  

Kate: But the deep sparkly (!) v makes it not-boring. Her second presenting dress is pretty, too, but, indeed, kind of boring. Except for the pink collar. More sparkle!

Erica: I just don’t understand why women have to change their outfits for these things every 15 minutes. Do angels get their wings every time you redo your hair? Aren’t these looks labor-intensive? Explain.

Kate: Kristen, we’re waiting!

 

Laura Dern

Kate: Belt!

Erica: Oof, I am not liking this, belt or no belt.

Kate: The material and neckline of the dress is lovely, but, BELT, and length. And her hair looks like it’s almost completely out of its ponytail holder, which drives me nuts.

Erica: It doesn’t look like a finished dress. It looks like an idea for a dress that they haven’t finished making yet.

 

Laura Linney

Erica: I appreciate that not everyone wants to look super-duper sexy all the time, but this is fundamentalist Mormon levels of modesty.

Kate: But that soft pink color and sparkly (!) feather design are kind of in contrast to that. Freaky. I think she looks alarmingly like Ginny Weasley all grown up.

Erica: Interesting assessment. I can see that. She looks lovely — like, her hair, her makeup, she’s generally pretty glowy. But it’s weird.

 

Leslie Mann

Erica: It’s a little figure-skater-y.

Kate: I think she looks kind of fab. See? Everyone’s in sparkles.

Erica: Yeah. It’s fine. It’s just not my favorite.

 

Lupita Nyong’O

Kate: Oh, yes. Yes yes yes.

Erica: Were her arms always that ferocious?

Kate: This is very, very beautiful. I think it would look great on just about any of these red carpet ladies, too.

Erica: I do like it. It’s the right amount and shape of feathers. The sparkle is lovely. The shape looks amazing on her. The hair and makeup and jewelry are perfectly restrained. Just lovely.

Kate: And when she presented the final award with sparkly-curtain-wearing Brie Larson, she wore these adorable cat-eye glasses (regular, not sun, like Sarandon) that looked like they were made to go with that dress. Hey, maybe they were! Ahh, to be rich and famous and have people make things for you.

 

Mandy Moore

Erica: I like her hair lighter/redder.

Kate: Is it redder? Both her hair and makeup are flawless right now.

Erica: No, I’m saying, I like her hair when it is lighter and redder than it is right now. But that’s a personal preference.

Kate: Oh, no, this is fantastic.

Erica: The dress read a little flat on stage.

Kate: It’s flat in photos, but when she walked on the carpet in the pre-show? Damn. Perfection.

 

Margot Robbie

Erica: This is very different for her, I think.

Kate: Yea, softer, and I like it a lot. I don’t want to like the feathers (perhaps they are a bit too high?) but without them the dress would be boring. Perfect hair and makeup, of course. Always. Hard not to when you have a perfect face.

Erica: The feather placement is very strange. Very strange. But I like the softness. And yes, the face, it’s a keeper.

Kate: Best Dressed nominee!

 

Marisa Tomei

Erica: Her hair is still ridiculously fabulous.

Kate: So is her skin! Holy sh!t. Goals.

Erica: I’d like her dress better if it wasn’t weirdly short.

Kate: Ya but mostly I only see her perfect hair and face and the fact that she is 53. 53! (The perfect hair and skin was more evident during the telecast than in this photo.)

 

Mary J. Blige

Erica: Well, I’ll give her this. It’s very interesting. I think I actually like it.

Kate: Yes interesting to look at. Like a piece of art. Not my favorite dress.

 

Maya Rudolph

Erica: No.

Kate: Curtains.

Erica: Why? Explain yourself.

Kate: Curtains.

 

Millie Bobby Brown

Erica: Her sparkly eye makeup is cute and very age-appropriate.

Kate: Very, and it matches her dress, and her hair is very Sporty Spice, in a good way. And she is wearing Converses. She is freakin’ adorable.

 

Molly Shannon

Erica: I just want to hike it up a bit. Like, it needs to be three inches higher.

Kate: Why? Then it would look silly. Her boobs aren’t falling out or anything. I think she looks great. I don’t know if we’ve ever even had her in one of these posts, but I am surprised by how good she looked.

 

Nicole Kidman

Erica: I mean, I hate the dress, a lot. It reminds me of the terrible dress I had to wear in a play in summer camp when I was a teenager. But her hair and makeup are amazing.

Kate: The dress is a bad color, but the back is cool and the shape is such that only she could wear it. To me her hair feels TOO blonde and her makeup TOO perfect, like something is just off. AND I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE WITH THESE LOW SIDE BUN THINGS?!

Erica: Oh, I love the makeup. But I will always prefer her — and everyone on the planet — as a redhead.

 

Olivia Munn

Kate: A similar idea to Mary J. Blige’s dress, no?

Erica: Yes, but more conservative. I think Mary J.’s was more intriguing.

Kate: She is very gorgeous but this is overall not working for me. I would like her hair pulled back off her face a little.

Erica: She has such nice cheekbones, it’s good to show them off. I feel like the dress was flattering to her but not particularly beautiful or special.

 

Reese Witherspoon

Erica: The color is very nice.

Kate: Oh I love the whole thing, I think it’s such a refreshing change from her usual very-fitted frock. The earrings are a little matchy-matchy, but the makeup is peachy and lovely and the hair is soft and excellent.

Erica: My only thing is the chevron-ness. I think I would have loved it if not for that. But I do like the softness and the shape and the color.

 

Rita Moreno

Erica: That dress looks like she’s reminding us that she was Anita in West Side Story.

Kate: Yes. Perfection. (For her.)

Erica: I mean, like we would ever say anything bad about Rita Moreno. She could wear something Heidi Klum’s stylist rejected as being too weird, and we’d be all, “Rita looks amazing!” But, yes. She looks good.

 

Saoirse Ronan

Erica: I’m sorry, I like her, but this is not a good look. The dress is so weird and confusing. And her hair…You often criticize hair for not looking any better than yours does on an average work day. But your average-work-day hair is ten times better than my average-day hair. And her hair doesn’t look any better than MINE on an average day.

Kate: Oh, see I think the the dress is a little, like, as if Game of Thrones were happening in 2018, but in a way that I kind of like. Agree about the hair. Lovely makeup and earrings, though.

 

Sarah Silverman

Erica: Belt!

Kate: I don’t expect much from her, TBH. I actually like the dress (minus belt), though; very Audrey.

Erica: Yes. I think that’s why the belt is so frustrating to me in this instance.

Kate: Ok, so, Best Dressed?

Erica: For my money, Lupita. I felt the dress was alchemy.

Kate: OH yea, I’m cool with that. Worst Dressed?

Erica: Kate Hudson. Insanity. On a puzzling evening, a stand-out weirdness.

Kate: Lots of possibilities, but sure I’ll go with Kate. See you after the Grammys, folks!

And One More Thought on Enthusiastic Consent

Even if you are employing the dorkiest, most straw-man-y language to ensure enthusiastic consent (“Please state for the record your level of desire vis-a-vis us boinking. Initial here, here, and here; sign here; date here. Month then day, please,”), it’s still not going to “ruin the mood” because it’s like when you hear the click of the safety harness on a roller coaster being properly locked. It’s not the fun part – but it’s the part that ensures that the rest of the parts will be fun, as opposed to being traumatizing.

Enthusiastic Consent

(Please do not read this post if you are a person who doesn’t want to know that I’ve ever thought about or had sex. Please especially don’t read this post if you are a person who doesn’t want to know that I’ve ever thought about or had sex AND THEN yell at me for having written this post, considering that you don’t want to know that I’ve ever thought about or had sex.)

So here is my question. How is it that getting enthusiastic consent is not sexy? How is it even remotely possible to think to oneself, “Asking a person I want to have sex with if they want to have sex with me and them saying, ‘Hell, yeah, baby, give it to me!’ is super duper unsexy and will kill the mood.”

I mean – will it kill the mood more than randomly sticking your fingers in a woman’s mouth? Or pointing to your dick as an indication that you’d like a blow job? Is that creating an extraordinarily sensual and seductive mood that will be killed if you say, “You know, if you want to?”?

I don’t mean this to be about Aziz Ansari and Grace. I think he’s a normal guy who did a normal guy thing, which, given the culture we live in, is also an atrocious and violating thing, but he’s about my age and I grew up with the same TV and movies he did so I know that the culture he was raised in generally considers that to be sort of okay. I mean, not totally. There have been voices pointing out that it’s not okay. See Lindy West’s column in the Times to see what I’m talking about. But the louder voices have been, “Men, getting sex by any means necessary is totes cool.”

But there’s also a fairly clear model for what enthusiastic consent can look like in a sexy way. It goes like this. You’re together. You’re in close quarters. Maybe you’ve even started making out. You say, “What do you want?” or “You like that?” or “Tell me what will make you moan.” You can throw in a “baby” or some other endearment if you like.

Maybe your partner is shy. Maybe your partner doesn’t know how to say what s/he wants. So you pull back a little. Just a little. You’re still there. And you say, “I’m not going to touch you until you tell me you want it.”

And then don’t. If your partner wants you to touch them, they will say so. Or they’ll move your hand. Or they’ll resume kissing you. Or maybe they’ll be too shy and they’ll turn away. Wait, is that shy, or is that, seriously, I don’t want to? Try maybe holding their hand or stroking their leg. Do they lean into it? Do they stroke back? Or do they sort of stiffen and go still? Or even pull away a little bit? See, if they lean into it, they want more. And if you’re not sure, was that a lean in or just a shift, you say something like, “You like that?” If there’s an immediate affirmative response – an actual “Yes, I do,” a soft moan, a more assertive leaning in, a return touch, then probably they like that. If there’s hesitation or further pulling away, or, you know, “No, not really,” then the answer is no.

But shouldn’t a woman – or a man – just say “no” if they don’t want something? Shouldn’t they make it obvious by screaming in your face or kicking you in the balls or running screaming away from you?

Dude, come on. Come on. Maybe they like you but they’re just not sure they want to do THAT. Maybe they deliberately wore granny panties or have some sort of monster zit on their inner thigh. Maybe they thought this was going to be a one-night thing but now they kind of really like you but if you Do It, then maybe you’ll think they’re a slut, but if you say no then they’ll think you’re not Chill. Maybe they like you but the tacos you ate are not sitting nicely in their tummy and they want to go home so they can shit in private but they don’t want to tell you that a poop tsunami is about to come out of the butt you’re aggressively grabbing. Maybe you’ve been so rape-culture-y that they don’t know if saying “no” is going to trigger you to violence so they’re trying to be polite. Maybe notice.

And honestly, if nuances like “leans in to this kind of touch, kind of freezes when I do that” are too subtle for you to pick up on, you’re probably a lousy lay. Like, even if your partner is really into you and really wants to fuck like bunnies and is hoping it’s all going to go well, s/he can’t be giving explicit instructions the whole time. I mean, some people are into that sort of thing and it can probably be fun sometimes but sometimes you just have to catch on to the idea that if s/he’s pushing your hand from one location to another, then wherever your hand was, it wasn’t pleasing. AND THE FACT THAT YOU REFUSE TO PICK UP ON THAT IS WHAT’S RUINING THE GODDAMN MOOD, YOU FUCKSTICK.

And not for nothing, but do you want the highest standard you’re achieving to be “What I did does not meet the legal definition of rape.”? Or do you want it to be “I am an actual Sex God who makes all of my partners see the stars in the heavens in all their glory.”? Or at least, “My sex partners and I enjoy ourselves together.” Like, shoot for at least that. Please.

Golden Globes 2018

Erica: First things first: Yesterday was Kate’s Big Birthday. She is an Old now. Welcome to the club; we hope you enjoy your new 9 p.m. bedtime.

Kate: By “Big” and “Old” she means 30. I just don’t really FEEL 30, and I WISH I could fall asleep at 9 p.m. I wish.

Erica: And on to the…Well, I don’t really know what to do with the Golden Globes outfits this year. They’re all wearing black. Which, like, solidarity, sister, yay! But also, boring. But also, we are and always have been part of the problem, judging these women on how well they perform a very specific brand of femininity. On the other hand, it’s not like they’re wearing sackcloths now. They’re wearing the same superglam gowns and diamonds mined by poor children that they’ve always worn. Just, you know, black dresses.

Kate: I’m not going to comment on the movement itself, I am just super-bored by all the black dresses, and that’s coming from someone who loves wearing black, particularly black dresses.

Erica: But, many of them brought the fire tonight. Obviously the queen was Oprah, our next president. But we also had Debra Messing holding E!’s feet to the fire, and Natalie Portman pointing out the very masculine Best Director roster and Amy Poehler pwning Seth Meyers during his monologue. (Pwning, right? Am I internetting right?) So, umm…

Kate: I just had to Google “pwning”, so maybe I DO feel 30, and I also had to rewatch those 3 bits because I didn’t notice them during the telecast. Good for those ladies. Also, I am embarrassed that I didn’t know ahead of time about the everyone-wearing-black thing. Also also, I don’t understand why this movement meant no one could talk about the designers they were wearing IN ADDITION to the “Me Too” and Time’s Up” stuff. Did dozens and dozens of designers and stylists and seamstresses and other workers not spend a sh!tload of time on these black ensembles?! DO THEY NOT DESERVE CREDIT?!

Erica: Oh, and by the by, I know I have never seen any of the movies, etc., for any awards show, but this year, I’ve never even heard of most of these movies. But that’s cool.

Kate: Samesies.

Erica: Alright, well, dresses.

 

Alexis Bledel

Kate: Even though everyone is doing these pants things, this feels dated to me. Like, didn’t Emma Stone kind of already wear this?

Erica: Oh, that is very similar. Although I like Alexis Bledel’s better. Well, maybe. I like the leafy thing she has better than the sparkles Emma Stone has, but also, I don’t love Alexis Bledel’s toreador belt. Or maybe I do. I am confused because I hate jumpsuits and I hate black-and-white formal wear but I like leafy things and not-boring things. But that belt looks like she’s going to trip on it.

Kate: But is it TOO much white for the everyone-wear-black thing? WHERE IS THE LINE, HOLLYWOOD?

Erica: I don’t know. Maybe she gets a pass because she was in A Handmaid’s Tale, that feminist-y blockbuster based on the feminist urtext by Margaret Atwood, and her character was significantly developed from the book in that she became a lesbian and was severely punished for it? I don’t know if I can give the lipstick a pass, though.

 

Alicia Vikander

Erica: I saw she’s going to be Lara Croft in the reboot of the Lara Croft: Tomb Raider franchise, which is interesting to me because I’m old enough to remember that when Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, the video game, came out, everyone made a lot of noise about Lara Croft’s unrealistic body proportions, and then they cast Angelina Jolie in the movie and everyone was like, “Oh, okay, unrealistic body proportions except for Angelina Jolie.” Alicia Vikander doesn’t exactly have those proportions, but I’ve also heard rumors that millennials don’t like big boobs, or something.

Kate: I don’t know about all that, but when they said they were worried that the everyone-wearing-black thing would look too funeral (I looked it up), this is what they were talking about. I get how this could work on a runway, but on a lovely young girl on the red carpet of a major awards show? Notsomuch.

Erica: I guess I get how this could potentially work on a runway. Because on a runway you wouldn’t have done — or not done — your hair as if you were going to a funeral.

 

Alison Brie

Erica: Alison Brie is nominated for her role in Netflix’s GLOW, which is about female wrestlers in the ‘80s. I’ve heard good things. Also feminist-y things. And she seems like a good egg. If you haven’t seen Sleeping with Other People, you should.

Kate: I just remember her as stupid Pete Campbell’s wife on Mad Men. She has gotten a bit too skinny for my taste.

Erica: Oh, I’ve been binging Community as my cooking/laundry/etc. show. I like her lots. Now, the outfit…I mean, she looks lovely but I hate pants/skirts. But maybe I hate pants/skirts because I’m married to a too-narrow definition of femininity.

Kate: It’s a huge Thing on the red carpet these days, and I don’t usually like it but I actually don’t mind this one, and the shoes look absolutely fab. So does the necklace. I do not like her hair at all. I have severe Bangs Issues from my childhood.

 

Allison Janney

Kate: I actually really love this.

Erica: Yeah? I’m not a fan.

Kate: I love how she broke up the black without having too much not-black, and her hair looks simple yet lovely, as does her makeup.

Erica: I guess the dress is just not my thing. Yes, hair and makeup look good. And Allison Janney, you are and always will be my thing. It’s not just about The West Wing for me. I’ve loved you since 10 Things I Hate About You.

Kate: Yup, I’m doing it: BEST DRESSED NOMINEE! *Cue Erica’s shocked face*

Erica: I am, indeed, making a shocked face.

 

Amy Poehler

Erica: I don’t even need to get into her feminist cred, right? She’s Amy Poehler. She Amy Poehlers about town, Amy Poehlering. She “called out” Seth Meyers for mansplaining their bit (which was of course part of the bit; I’m not trying to shade Seth Meyers here). She created Leslie Knope. And this. She is the very model of a modern female superstar. She rocks.

Kate: I don’t know if it was ALL part of the bit, though? It felt very awkward to me. Also, I can’t find a picture of her without this other lady in it, and her dress makes Amy’s dress look navy blue, not black. No?

Erica: She brought with her Saru Jayaraman, founder of Restaurant Opportunities Centers United, which is promoting fair wages for restaurant employees. Which may seem at first only tangentially related to Time’s Up, the specific organization with which actresses are aligning themselves by wearing all black tonight, but if we want to talk about an industry where sexual harassment and assault are RAMPANT, and the women being mistreated have very little recourse because they wouldn’t be waitresses if they didn’t need the money, hello, then let’s talk restaurants. So you go, Saru Jayaraman.

Kate: She still makes Amy’s dress look navy blue. It is pretty, though.

Erica: Okay, clothes. She looks fine. Could have used more makeup, I guess. But also she’s Amy Poehler and I’m not.

 

Angelina Jolie

Kate: One wonders why she has chosen to show up to one of these things for the first time in years, but my first reaction to seeing her face on my screen was “Well damn, she still looks good.” Puffy 50s bathrobe sleeves aside.

Erica: Yeah, her face is gorgeous and her dress says “I’m ready for the Norma Desmond phase of my career now.” I don’t know what that’s about.

Kate: Mostly I just love the makeup.

 

Caitriona Balfe

Erica: So, I have not seen Outlander, of which she is the star, because I have not read Outlander, because it is very long and I understand there are upsetting things in it and I’m trying to keep my life 100% happy puppies and falling in love, preferably in the Cotswolds. But I am inclined to like her because she is one of the 300 signers of Time’s Up and I support the idea of Outlander even if I have not participated in it. Oh, and, also, apparently news that she is engaged was broken by her wearing her new sparkly bauble on the carpet tonight. But however. This dress looks to me like she still wanted to look “interesting” even if she did have to wear black and it is awful.

Kate: I had never heard of this person or that show before writing this post, and I do not like her dress one bit. The bodice, length, upper-arm ruffle bracelet things and jeweled straps all make me want to scream.

 

Catherine Zeta-Jones

Kate: We had not seen her in such a long while but damn, she still looks great.

Erica: She does, she does. I miss her, I think. I would see a thing she was in. You know. If you’re listening, Hollywood.

Kate: She looks better in this lingerie-turned-dress than most ladies half her age would, and I love her subtle pop of (another dark) color with the green earrings. Really, really fab.

 

Christina Hendricks

Kate: This is very similar to her Mad Men co-star Alison’s dress, no?

Erica: Very. Different necklines but otherwise quite the same.

Kate: She looks fantastic, as usual, but I think the pants are a bit too cropped and not tapered enough for the shoe/overall look.

Erica: I’m still not a fan of this concept.

 

Claire Foy

Kate: Dammit, I keep thinking they make her look terrible on The Crown and that she is actually fabulous in real life, but this doesn’t prove that theory. The black pantsuit thing has been so done and these pants are way too baggy. Come to think of it, so is the jacket. And her hair is too slicked back.

Erica: The slicked hair would look fine if the jacket fit properly. But what is that on her wrist? It’s a badge of some kind but I can’t make it out. I assume it’s in support of something. Is it just a Time’s Up badge? Or is there a British equivalent of Time’s Up? Or is it something else entirely?

Kate: One wonders.

 

Dakota Johnson

Kate: I hate this oh so much. That BELT? Where did she get it, Charlotte Russe?

Erica: I keep forgetting who she is. I mean, I know who she is when I see her face, I just forget that that’s her name.

Kate: And the back is so beauty pageant gone wrong. And does she always have to wear her hair like that? Hate hate hate. Worst Dressed nominee!

Erica: Her commitment to the low pony is astounding. Alas, I cannot give much feminist cred to the person who plays Anabella Swansteele. I mean, I know it’s not really her fault. An actress has got to act, and all. But still.

 

Debra Messing

Kate: This is also very terrible. The cat eye is too catty, the hair is too red (it has a nice wave to it, though) and the dress-pants thing is terrible. Very unflattering around the hip area. Another Worst Dressed nominee.

Erica: Well, I hate the outfit and the eye makeup is a bit much but I love the hair (don’t mind the too-redness) and I love the “Hey, E!, how come you don’t pay your female cast as much as your male cast?” red carpet moment.

 

Elisabeth Moss

Kate: This is very pilgrim-y, in a bad way, and you know how I feel about that length on the red carpet! Elisabeth! Hey, did you know that she’s a scientologist? I didn’t until last night.

Erica: I think it’s one of those things I hear and forget about her regularly. Man, that’s weird. How’s she making TV about weird-@ss cults and then being in a weird-@ss cult and not noticing? And how do you show up to the Globes in an outfit Serena Joy might wear to something way less formal than the Globes if, in addition to wanting to model some retrograde, prim, uber-Christy form of Christianity, she also wanted to not be fabulous anymore?

 

Emilia Clarke

Kate: So, it’s kind of true what they say: She looks best as Daenerys. She looks weird when she is not Daenerys. She is also making a weird face here. And she recently chopped off all her hair, so it’s in that weird-growing-back phase. The dress and necklace are nice, though; I actually like the very structured strapless V + bow. You probably don’t, though?

Erica: Oh, no, I don’t mind it. The only thing I don’t like about her look here is the hair.

 

Emma Stone

Kate: Another one I can’t find a photo of alone on the red carpet, what’s going on people?

Erica: I think it’s your sources; Emma was there. With Billie Jean King, who I believe she plays in that movie she’s in with Steve Carell? And who also does activism stuff.

Kate: Anyway, this is boring and ugly, and when they zoomed in on her face several times during the show I thought her makeup looked absolutely dreadful — eyeshadow too green, lipstick too purple.

Erica: Oh, in pictures in the sunlight I think it looks nice. The makeup, I mean. I don’t know what’s going on with the bottom of her dress.

Kate: So for me, that begs the age-old question: Should celebrities dress for these things for the PHOTOS, for the LIVE TELECAST, for the IN-PERSON-ness, or what? Clearly they all require different levels of hair, makeup and dress.

 

Emma Watson

Kate: And…yet…another…person…WITHOUT A SOLO PHOTO ON THE RED CARPET! Is this part of the “movement”?!

Erica: Yeah. She showed up with Marai Larasi, executive director of Imkaan, a UK-based organization dedicated to ending violence against black, minority, and/or refugee women and girls. She also co-chairs the End Violence Against Women Coalition. Apparently Michelle Williams had the idea of actresses bringing activists to highlight the activists’ work, and look, it’s working. Good job, actresses, and good job, activists.

Kate: So I think THAT does more than wearing black because then we Google who their guests are and consequently know more about their organizations. I just want some solo shots, too. Anyway, this is not boring but it is ugly, and I hate hate hate her hair. Bangs should never be that short. And does she always wear that shade of lipstick, or what?

Erica: It is an ugly ensemble, and the bangs are weird. And yet, she is still lovely.

 

Gal Gadot

Kate: She is truly on another level of beauty, but I feel like I only ever see her with her hair like this when it is more than gorgeous enough to be down and loose and wavy, and the mini-jacket over the tight dress makes me feel like she’s going to an expensive restaurant for a lunch meeting rather than the Globes.

Erica: I don’t mind the hair. I don’t much like the outfit. But she is so damn beautiful.

Kate: But…Has red lipstick ever looked better on anyone? Nope.

Erica: Has humanity ever looked better on anyone? Nope.

Kate: Nope.

 

Geena Davis

Kate: What was going on with her and Susan Sarandon when they were presenting? Did they beef after Thelma & Louise?

Erica: Yeah, that was weird. There’s a concept in improv that Tina Fey has made well known called “Yes, and,” that’s basically about, your performing partner is your partner and you should build the performance together instead of being in opposition. Susan Sarandon seemed like she was kind of in opposition to Geena Davis. I don’t know if it was the lines as written or Susan Sarandon’s delivery. Or maybe I’m just mad at Susan Sarandon still. Maybe Geena is, too.

Kate: I actually like Geena’s dress a lot better than most of the others tonight, but I feel like that lacey neckline has been done a LOT and I don’t like the lace + fringe + sparkle — pick ONE. Or maybe two. Not all three!

Erica: I feel like she, specifically, has done this before. I would say go lace and sparkle, Geena. The fringe is not good.

 

Greta Gerwig

Kate: A pretty yet safe, therefore boring, choice; it’s not doing all that much for me in either direction (positive or negative). The chunky gold necklace breaks up the black nicely, though; I just don’t like her hair.

Erica: I only put her in because I really want to see Lady Bird.

Kate: Samesies.

 

Halle Berry

Kate: She is obviously one of the most gorgeous people to have ever lived, but this is so inappropriately short for the Golden Globes I just cannot even.

Erica: It’s a very strangely structured dress for her body type, too, because she’s got a sort of athletic build which makes the shape of it look like something you’d wear if you were a warrior in a Xena: Warrior Princess-y movie, but in black lace.

Kate: Her hair is also — don’t kill me for saying this — too young for her. It would look better in a slick medium-height pony.

Erica: I won’t because by “too young” you mean that hairstyle is best suited to people who have yet to be given legal permission to drink. She’s still so beautiful, though.

 

Issa Rae

 

Kate: That leg slit is very Angelina Jolie, so I am automatically skeptical of it. I think I would like this without the sleeve decoration and cape, and necklace, but I also think the shoes are too delicate for the dress/person.

Erica: OMG you’re right I forgot about that dress. Her smile might be the best smile in show biz, though.

 

Jennifer Aniston

Kate: There are some people who probably didn’t love the all-black thing on a fashion level and some who were like “YESSSSSSSSSSSS!” and I think Jennifer Aniston was part of the latter group. She probably would have worn this anyway.

Erica: Totes. They had the meeting and she was like, “Okay, so, normal day for me? Great.”

Kate: Exactly! Hair is a weeeee bit too messy, otherwise gorgeous.

Erica: Hair also looks a little too light. Was there a weird thing with her and Carol Burnett at the podium? I’m seeing headlines but no video.

Kate: It was just awkward. Everything everyone said all night was awkward.

 

Jessica Biel

Kate: Her arms are everything I want in my life.

Erica: They are impressive.

Kate: I think I would like this more without that swoopy sash across the front, but then would it be too boring? I very, very much do not like her hair.

Erica: It would be somewhat more boring but still better, I think.

 

Jessica Chastain

Kate: Um, wow. Wow wow wow. She is sort of hit or miss at these things but I think she chose perfectly — not too much black, sparkle on fleek, hair and makeup perfection. Best Dressed nominee!

Erica: So…Okay. It’s fine. Hair is perfect. I am not super in love with the dress. I feel like the shape of the top is very Speedo-in-sequins. But. I mean. It’s fine.

Kate: What!? Crazy talk.

 

Kate Hudson

Kate: This is…interesting…but…I don’t think I like it? I definitely don’t like the necklace, it’s not necessary. Let the neckline speak for itself. And I don’t like her new very short hair and I’m not sure why she did that to herself. There’s also a headband in there somewhere; completely unnecessary.

Erica: This is a big no from me. I get that we’re making a stand against sexaul discrimination, but that dress looks like it didn’t all make it out of Harvey Weinstein’s hotel room. I’m sorry. That joke is wildly inappropriate. And yet I can’t stop myself from making it. I don’t mind the hair, though.

 

Kelly Clarkson

Kate: Yikes.

Erica: That sleeve is pretty weird.

Kate: This is just too much dress, and the gold details are poorly done, like it was put together during a 1-hour mini-competition on Project Runway.

Erica: Actually, the construction looks pretty good, at least in the picture I’m looking at. The concept is just weird.

 

Kerry Washington

Kate: I usually don’t like her red carpet looks at all, but I really loved this when I saw it on the show. It moved beautifully and had the perfect fit, and her hair was perfectly tousled. In this photo, I hate the shoes with it. A lot.

Erica: First, she is looking way skinny. Second, the dress is much nicer and more normal-human than she usually wears. Third, I hate the shoes so much. But you know what? I hate them as much as I normally hate her red carpet fashion, and they are just a teeny-tiny portion of it.

 

Laura Dern

Kate: This is interesting, to say the least, and I think I like it. I definitely like the loose wavy hair, but I’m not sure it goes with this dress, ya know?

Erica: The dress is not my thing but it’s a very well-done version of the thing it is, although it does kind of illustrate that wearing all-black is not, like, prohibitive of looking like a regular red carpet walker. I think the hair is fine because I think every person has to decide: are they Wearing a Dress or Committing to a Look? You can do either one, but you have to do one or the other. The loose waves with this dress means she’s Wearing a Dress, not Committing to a Look.

 

Maggie Gyllenhaal

Kate: You can’t even really tell that this has sparkles, asymmetrical fringe AND pants unless you look really closely. I hate it. So many people did this look for the everyone-wear-black party, and I really don’t like it.

Erica: I kind of think everyone should have gone with a black men’s suit so that it would look like a thing. Now these weird-length jumpsuits are almost their own thing and they are not a good thing.

 

Margot Robbie

Kate: So I think this is TOO much not-black, and I don’t even like the not-black parts anyway. From the waist up, it’s lovely; everything else is poo.

Erica: Oh, I’m not into the shoulder-pad look.

 

Mariah Carey

Kate: Common was so terrified of her during their award presentation, which is so funny; he obviously watched Mariah’s World and knew not to mess. This is actually a pretty safe choice for her; I don’t love the strap across the chest, but without it it’d be a very boring strapless black mermaid-style dress, so fine.

Erica: Yeah, I think it looks nice and the major problem with strap is that it’s too high above her boobs and it looks a little awkward. It should be thicker and/or lower. But overall it looks nice.

 

Meryl Streep

Kate: I am pretty sure she wears this to literally every single award show.

Erica: Yeah, that’s just her dress. She has it in the closet for Wearing to Award Shows. Then she puts it back. Now, she’s with Ai-Jen Poo, director of the National Domestic Workers Alliance and she’s also a MacArthur Genius. Poo led the passage of the Domestic Workers Bill of Rights in New York State, so that’s pretty cool.

Kate: But…Her last name is Poo. (See? Not feeling 30.)

 

Michelle Williams

Kate: I feel like this SHOULD have looked good, but it didn’t. Something is off and I just can’t put my finger on it.

Erica: I am not sure what should have looked good. I don’t like it. Also she looks crazy pale. I mean, I’m a pale woman myself, and I’m not saying she should fry herself or anything but, man. Pale.

Kate: I do think that neckline with that hair required some more interesting jewelry, though.

Erica: She’s with Tarana Burke, the woman who is often uncredited with having started #MeToo, and she is currently the director of Girls for Gender Equity, a NYC organization that aims to help communities “remove barriers and create opportunities for girls and women to live self-determined lives.” So. Another awesome woman getting well-deserved publicity for her important work.

Kate: Woo!

 

Natalie Portman

Kate: Her face is one of the most lovely, but this is just another velvet pilgrim dress. Do not like.

Erica: Yeah, I do like that she called out the phallocentric director nominees and also that she is beautiful and smart, but this dress is very “I’m going to a funeral at the Ren Faire.”  

 

Nicole Kidman

Kate: I like this much better in this photo than I did during the show, except for the back. The only lace needed is at the very top of the sleeves, more than that and it’s just too much.

Erica: Oh, I like the back. I feel like she’d been getting so weird lately and this is finally something I could have pictured the old Nicole in.

Kate: Hair and makeup great, though, as usual.

 

Octavia Spencer

Kate: This is very, very pretty and looks lovely on her, especially with the hair and makeup, but, again, this length! Not appropriate! Even if we are all wearing black and there are only so many black evening gowns in the world!

Erica: See, I usually hate this length, but I think she looks good in it. Is it because she is larger? Does this length look good on larger ladies? Should I be wearing this length? I shudder. Then I laugh because I am a stay-at-home mom with a 16-month-old kid. I wear yoga pants.

Kate: I’m not saying she doesn’t look good in it, I’m saying it doesn’t look good at this event. It’s not appropriate!

 

Oprah

Kate: Honestly? Probably one of the best dresses of the night. I also love the voluminous hair and sparkly glasses — why do some people look so good in glasses, even when dressed up at award shows?

Erica: Yeah, she looks absolutely amazing. And she knows it, too. That dress is perfection, her hair is fantastic, and her skin is flawless. She’s gotta have a hideously aging portrait of herself in her attic. Or maybe not. Maybe she’s truly living her best life and it’s just showing in her complexion.

 

Penelope Cruz

Kate: Um, gorgeous. This is how you do everyone-is-wearing-black but still stand out. Love it love it love it, Best Dressed nominee! I don’t even NEED to comment on the hair and makeup. Because DUH.

Erica: I feel like I’ve seen this dress before but also it looks amazing.

Kate: …Yes, because everyone is wearing some version of it.

 

Reese Witherspoon

Kate: Another person who I feel like this is what they would have worn anyway, everyone-wear-black or not. It’s very pretty and looks well made and suits her body well, but I did not like her hair or makeup. A simple dress like that deserves more interesting hair, and honestly during the telecast it looked like she wasn’t wearing enough makeup. I don’t feel good saying that, but it’s the truth.

Erica: Well, but I think she’s trying to be more in the spirit of the thing? Yes, dress is red carpet appropriate, but I’m not making a big deal of performing my femininity here; I’m just showing up to a formal work function? Plus am I crazy or is she one of the major drivers of Time’s Up? Anyway, I think she looks fine.

Kate: She is. Being passionate about a movement does not mean you shouldn’t look as nice as possible.

 

Roseanne Barr

Kate: Um, wow? She looks really good? I’m kind of, like, blown away by how good she looks.

Erica: She really does.

Kate: It’s a perfect dress for her, and I really like her hair coloring and makeup. I also had no idea they were reviving Roseanne — are there no new ideas anymore? It’s just the Century of Revivals of TV Shows and Movies?

Erica: Yes. But also. I have to link to my friend Jenny Trout’s column about her. Because I thought I was in favor of Roseanne but maybe I’m not.

 

Salma Hayek

Kate: Oh god, this looked so very uncomfortable that when I saw her on stage it made me start to itch. So tight! So neoprene! Like a wetsuit with a skirt!

Erica: I have claustrophobia issues. This dress makes me feel like I can’t breathe.

Kate: I also hate the hair. It looks like she did nothing to it after waking up with it in a messy bun on top of her head all night. Why is this somewhat-wet-hair look coming back?

Erica: See, in some pictures it looks good and in others it looks a little bedraggled.

Kate: I do like the necklace, though. A lot.

 

Saoirse Ronan

Kate: This is not my style at all but I think it really works on her, personality and physique-wise. The jewelry is fantastic, too.

Erica: Yeah, it’s not my thing but it’s a perfect example of the thing it is.

Kate: Also, how Jessica Chastain pronounced her name when she won cannot be right: Sher-sha?! SHER-SHA?!

Erica: Yeah, that’s it. Saoirse Ronan did a whole bit about it on SNL.

Kate: Oh, whoops. Sorry, Jessica.

 

Sarah Jessica Parker

Kate: I normally love her, so it hurts to do this, but…Completely inappropriate length, too much going on in the dress and her hair color looks cheap. Good shoes, though; probably from her line.

Erica: I feel like we love her but also bag on her red carpet looks a lot. And this is the opposite of Saoirse or Laura Dern, in that it is my thing, or would be, if it were done better. If the top were a little higher so it didn’t actively make her boobs droop. If the netting at the sleeves didn’t look so cheap. If the skirt were pressed. If her hair and makeup were better and she threw on a necklace. And so on.

Kate: I feel like we love her because we see her as Carrie Bradshaw (not that Carrie was a loveable person, she actually kind of sucked), so our love for SatC clouds our judgment of SJP the person.

 

Sarah Paulson

Kate: In terms of making the everyone-wear-black thing more interesting and fun for me to look at, this is one of my favorites. I do not like her hair at all, though; too blunt.

Erica: Yeah, it’s not bad. It would be nice if something had happened to her hair. It very much looks like she ran some distracted fingers through it while it was still half wet on the way out the door.

Kate: That is what I meant by the somewhat-wet-hair trend coming back. Do not like.

 

Shailene Woodley

Kate: What we have here is a sparkly plaid turtleneck with a poofy skirt AND A BELT. Worst Dressed, no doubt about it.

Erica: I don’t even understand. Maybe, like, there were two dress bags, and one was for the 87-year-old grandma you were supposed to take, and one was for the talented young star you are, and then the grandma couldn’t come so you grabbed a dress bag and boarded a plane and only when you arrived at home, mere minutes before you had to hit the carpet, did you discover you had the wrong dress? Because then I’d understand.

 

Susan Sarandon

Kate: I actually liked that her hair was in a pony during the show, but it doesn’t look so good from the front, and this is another ill-fitting pantsuit. Ladies, just because we are all wearing some form of black does not mean we all have to look bad! Black usually looks nice! Come on!

Erica: Pantsuits can even look great! But not when you borrow the one your somewhat portly nephew wore for his bar mitzvah. But honestly, Susan, I can’t even look at you anymore. Sorrynotsorry. I’ll look at your guest instead, one Rosa Clemente, who doesn’t seem to have a specific organization right now — she is described on her website as “an Afro-Latinx political commentator, community organizer, independent journalist, and 2008 Green Party Vice-Presidential candidate” — but came as Susan Sarandon’s guest to raise awareness about how truly, truly terrible things are in Puerto Rico, a problem she’s documenting through her PR on the Map program. (And listen, I don’t mean to be a jerk about this, but if you want to help Puerto Rico with something other than getting Rosa Clemente’s cameras on the ground to document their misery, donate to the AFT’s Operation Agua. They need water.) They also talked up Time’s Up’s legal defense fund for women who can’t afford to prosecute their harassers.

 

Viola Davis

Kate: One of the more boring black dress choices, and she tried to spice it up with the necklace — which is too sparkly and has too many layers — and hair. I almost think it would have been better with the hair and dress as is, and no necklace? Or a more delicate one? IDK anymore.

Erica: Oh, I disagree. I like the hair; I like the necklace. I’m fine with all of it.

Kate: So, with Worst Dressed obviously being Shailene Woodley (despite a ton more than usual to choose from), who does Best Dressed go to?

Erica: Oprah. I think hands down.

Kate: I’m good with that. We will see YOU at the SAGs, people! (I wish we would actually see people AT the SAGs, but alas, we’ll be here, on our couches, and in WordPress.)