Oscars 2015!

Kate: It’s here it’s here it’s here!!!

Erica: Tonight, we will be joined for a few looks by my resident fashion expert, Zoe. She drew some pictures of outfits, and of the hairstyles and jewelry she thinks they ought to have worn. I will present them below, but first, since we’re not including them in the official look, here are her drawings of Kelly Osbourne’s dress:

oscars 2015 zoe kelly osbourne

Zoe: The back of her dress could use a little cut. It could just take away one frill. The shoes should be a high heel.

Erica: But they are a high heel.

Zoe. I mean like a total high heel. And less black.

 

Erica: – and Giuliana Rancic’s:

oscars 2015 zoe giuliana rancic

Zoe: I feel sort of weird that her body shows. I think it needs to be a little more covered up. It could be a little trimmed — a tiny bit, but not too much. Her hair should be in a bun-braid. The earrings should be a little fancier and longer.

Erica: And also Jason has a comment or two to make.

Kate: Ian does too, when he’s not having an aneurysm while watching Illinois basketball. My favorite Oscars ever is still the one Billy Crystal hosted when Titanic was nominated 30000 times.

Erica: Was that the same one that had Matt Damon and Ben Affleck nominated for Good Will Hunting and he sang, “Matt and Ben/You are so young” to the tune of Cole Porter’s “Night and Day”? Because that was my favorite, too.

Kate: I believe so.

Erica: Also, one quick question for the evening: Am I the only person in the whole wide universe who sees Bradley Cooper and goes, “Fine”? “Fine” as in, “I mean he’s nice looking and all, but does absolutely nothing for me,” not as in, “Fiiiiiine.”

Kate: Stop it, he’s sexy. And awayyyyyyyyyyy we GO!

 

America Ferrera

oscars 2015 america ferrera

Zoe: I think that wherever it needed to be sewed or patched, there should be a gemstone line, silver, like the middle of her dress.

oscars 2015 zoe america ferrara

Erica: I think the dress is really, really lovely. I am impressed.

Kate: Really? I don’t like it at all. I’m not completely sure why, but I don’t. Her hair looks like Katharine McPhee’s at the Grammys, a.k.a. half up and bad.

 

Anna Faris

oscars 2015 anna faris

Kate: Oh this is just so sparkly and pretty. She looks like a twinkly glass of champagne and stardust.

Erica: Yeah? I mean, I think she looks nice enough but I’m not enamored.

Kate: I don’t like her hair that much, but the dress is so freaking adorable I almost don’t care. (Almost.)

Erica: I like her a lot, but I feel like her hair always looks a little meh.

 

Anna Kendrick

oscars 2015 anna kendrick

Erica: Damn, she looks good.

Kate: GORGEOUS! Omg I love this. It’s kind of Ancient Grecian/Egyptian? Love!

Erica: I think it’s more modern than anything else, but it is really flattering on her.

Zoe: I think there should be an opal-studded belt at the middle and a silver necklace with an opal at the end, with a gold frame around it. I think there should be another opal at the top of the neck triangle.

oscars 2015 zoe anna kendrick

Kate: Too much opal, Zoe, and you know how I feel about belts. In some pictures the dress looks pink/coral, in others it looks more red/orange, and the red/orange looks better. The hair is a little more structured than I like hers to be, but she probably had to do that because of the neckline of that fabulous dress. Best dressed nominee?

Erica: I’m not actually as enamored of this. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with it (except that the color looks weird with the red carpet). It looks flawless on her. I just…I don’t know. I don’t love it.

Kate: Giuliana Rancic and Khloe Kardashian were discussing this dress on the pre-show and Khloe said it’s not an “Oscar color” and it looks like she’s “going to a dance”. DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHAT YOU WEAR YOU EFFING HORRENDOUS DECREPIT PIECE OF GARBAGE! I’m back on my I-want-to-kill-a-Kardashian rant.

Erica: Oh, I am fast-forwarding but I thought I heard someone say that. It sounded to me like someone looking for something negative to say.

Kate: Well I’ve got lots of negative things to say about the person who said it!

 

Cate Blanchett

oscars 2015 cate blanchett

Kate: Not my favorite from Ms. Blanchett, but she might be close to if not already in that “I don’t give a f*ck” category with Julia Roberts and Meryl Streep.

Erica: I kind of love the statement necklace.

Kate: The boring dress would look a lot worse without the statement necklace, but I think the necklace itself is more I’m-going-to-brunch than I’m-going-to-the-Oscars, so I’m conflicted about it. Don’t like the hair and makeup.

Erica: I think her lip gloss is flawless and I think, once you put the necklace with the dress, you’ve got Oscars.

 

Dakota Johnson

oscars 2015 dakota johnson

Kate: Remember Er, she didn’t write 50 Shades, and she is not actually Anastasia Steele. She just chose to be in the movie. Let’s leave that aside and be objective in our judgment of her outfit.

Erica: I can put that all aside (although, if she wanted me to put aside her 50 Shades connections, maybe she shouldn’t have worn a silver rope on her dress). I still feel like, meh.

Kate: I think this is a little too night-out-on-the-town and slinky for the Oscars. Also, that ponytail? That’s what my hair looks like when I’m in my apartment and I know no one else will see it (minus the bangs, thank God I got rid of those).

Erica: Yeah, I’m not super-excited about the hair or anything to do with the outfit.

Kate: I am overall a little bored by her, I just don’t think she’s that pretty or interesting. But her mom is Melanie Griffith, apparently?

Erica: Yeah, I know that. Her and Don Johnson. She actually looks a lot like Melanie Griffith.

 

Emma Stone

oscars 2015 emma stone

Erica: Oh, man.

Kate: Hate it.

Erica: I don’t hate the hair but I hate the dress A LOT. She continues to be a charming and pleasant person, though.

Kate: Hate the hair, hate the color, hate the silhouette, very upset about the downhill-ness of her red carpet looks from year to year.

 

Felicity Jones

oscars 2015 felicity jones

Kate: Hmmm…I don’t think I love this as much as her Globes and SAGs dresses.

Ian: She’s wearing the wedding cake from Seinfeld.

Erica: So, it’s interesting. And, like I said in our Grammys coverage, I’m into not boring lately. But…I don’t know. I don’t like it. But it is interesting.

Kate: Let’s see. I like the color on her. I think it’s a beautiful and dramatic gown that looks expertly made — very Alexander McQueen — but something about the overall look is just not doing it for me. I’m sad about having that feeling because I love her.

Erica: You know what, maybe I do like it. The more I see it, the more I think, you know, it’s glamorous and well-made and a little cutting-edge and I am looking forward to her red carpet future.

 

Gwyneth Paltrow

oscars 2015 gwyneth paltrow

Kate: Ewwww!

Erica: Heehee.

Kate: That was my exact reaction upon seeing the first picture of this dress: EW. You can do better, Gwyneth!

Erica: My first reaction was, Heehee!

Kate: That shade of pink looks nice against her skin and hair but it’s so yay-we’re-having-a-girl, I can’t stand it on the Oscars red carpet. And that SLEEVE? No.
Erica: I do not like it but I am massively entertained by it. She’s looking kind of orange, no?

Kate: Orange and wearing ice blue eye shadow. I canNOT with you right now, Gwyneth.

 

Jennifer Aniston

oscars 2015 jennifer aniston

Kate: Well this just knocks it out of the park now doesn’t it?

Erica: Very sexy.

Kate: I love it. I don’t love it enough to give her a best dressed nomination because I wish she had done something else with her hair, but I love it.

Erica: I feel like it’s a little too boring for best dressed, but I like her hair. It’s her, you know?

Kate: It must be tough to show up after getting a nomination snub. #TeamJen forever. Why is the world so out to get her?!

 

Jennifer Lopez

oscars 2015 jennifer lopez

Kate: Holy cow. Now that’s an Oscars dress!

Erica: For real.

Kate: I sort of wish one of the nominees had worn this — maybe Felicity Jones, or someone with flat boobs — but it looks great on J. Lo. I really like her high bouncy pony. Makeup is a little too neon.

Zoe: That’s a winner for the night, don’t you think?

Kate: I like it a lot, Zo!

Erica: Me, too. And you know, I like that she usually looks like a sex goddess, and this is more princessy (albeit with a lot of cleavage), but it also looks amazing on her. And it’s my kind of dress, you know? I like Elie Saab. Although Emma Stone is in Elie Saab, too, and I hate that.

 

Jessica Chastain

oscars 2015 jessica chastain

Kate: Ooooh I like. I think?

Erica: I love. I really really really love. She looks fantastic. I already love that color, and I thought I loved it best on blondes but it looks damn good with her red hair.

Kate: It’s very sexy and flattering, and yes the blue looks great on her. Very Christina Hendricks. But the hair and makeup may be a bit too casual/plain, and I do not think she needs the necklace.

Erica: No way, no way, no way. This is in the top five for me.

 

Julianne Moore

oscars 2015 julianne moore

Kate: There’s something about that curved strapless silhouette that is very flattering. I just wish it only had the embellishment on top and bottom and not near the hips; the one near the hips breaks up the dress in a weird way.

Erica: Oh, I think the embellishment at the hips is very flattering and glam.

Kate: I am not so into this color on her, but the sleek low bun with the deep side part might make up for that. Yeah, I think the hair is making up for the color. #Weddinghairpossibility

Erica: I totes think your hair should look like that for the wedding. I mean, except, yours should be brown.

 

Keira Knightley

oscars 2015 kiera knightley

Kate: Her Golden Globes gown was atrocious, then she almost redeemed herself with the SAGs frock. Now she’s back to sucking. I hate this whole entire situation.

Erica: Really? I like this one. It’s romantic and pretty. I would like it if the color were just a little more fine-tuned — it looks like Silly Putty, a bit — but I love the look. I like romance and floral and embroidery. Also, pregnancy is looking good on her.

Kate: Completely disagree.

 

Kerry Washington

oscars 2015 kerry washington

Kate: Oh I’m so glad the peplum is back on the red carpet, said no one ever.

Erica: The thing is, she looks great, even if the dress does not.

Kate: This dress is half mother-of-the-bride, half quilt. Hate it. I feel like Anthony Marantino on that episode of SATC when he goes wedding dress shopping with Charlotte: “HATES IT!” I like her hair, though.

Erica: Yeah. I don’t like the dress. But her hair and makeup and general personality are flawless.

 

Lady Gaga

oscars 2015 lady gaga

Kate: Theeerreeee’s the Gaga we all know and love. She looks quite out of her mind.

Erica: No, but for real, what is going on with her face? I know she’s never been stunningly pretty or anything, but something is happening that looks severely unhealthy.

Kate: I think she has just gained weight, she was alarmingly skinny before. Alas, I hate the gloves. Way to start a stupid trend, Amal!

Erica: Please. On Amal, they were classy and glam. Lady Gaga’s are just…Well, whatever. She’s Lady Gaga. That’s what she does. Most of the time.

Kate: I just don’t like the looseness — elbow-length gloves should fit you right.

 

Laura Dern

oscars 2015 laura dern

Kate: Wow! This is much more interesting than what she usually wears. We never even include her in these posts even though she is at every single award show, but I felt like we had to include her tonight because she is nominated.

Erica: That is interesting. I don’t like it, but it’s interesting.

Kate: I don’t think she needs that big necklace with so much going on all over the dress, and the clutch is too matchy-matchy. Hair also a little too casual, very Jennifer Aniston, but this is overall a good look. Not the BEST, but good.

Ian: She looks like she’s going into a joust match. She’s dressed in a medieval suit of armor.

Erica: In that case, she’s leaving a lot dangerously uncovered. I actually like her hair. I mean, yes, I guess it’s casual, but it also looks really nice.

 

Lupita Nyong’o

oscars 2015 lupita nyong'o

Kate: She would be the one to wear a dress made partially of pearls, and I would be the one to say I do not like it, not one bit.

Erica: I want to like it, I do. I like the concept. And I love stark white on very dark skin. And I like her. But yeah, no.

Kate: There’s a scene in the truly amazing film Burlesque during which Christina Aguilera’s character performs a sexy routine in a shorter version of this. I like the Burlesque dress better. Worst dressed nominee.

Erica: I can’t do it. I can’t give her worst dressed. I like her too much.

 

Margot Robbie

oscars 2015 margot robbie

Kate: Smoke show.

Erica: She looks like sex walking.

Kate: This dress could be too old-ladyish, but I think the hair, makeup, necklace and deep V actually prevent that and make it pretty hot.

Erica: Yeah, totes agree with all of your points.

 

Marion Cotillard

oscars 2015 marion cotillard

Kate: I think you cannot look like this if you are American. There is just something about Europeans, they have an extra layer of elegance and chicness Americans can never even hope to achieve. Maybe that’s why Audrey Hepburn was so perfect.

Erica: She looks amazing and perfect. The dress is daring and interesting and high-fashion. It looks great on her and it’s interesting and glamorous.

Kate: This dress is actually pretty extreme couture — like, it would be great on an American at the Met Ball, but on Marion Cotillard at the Oscars? Effortlessly striking perfection. Best dressed nominee!

 

Meryl Streep

oscars 2015 meryl streep

Kate: Her usual flawless black-and-white, I-don’t-give-a-f*ck elegance. Could do without the belt, but Meryl does not give a f*ck about what I could do without.

Erica: She is the Grand High Duchess of Not Giving a F*ck.

 

Naomi Watts

oscars 2015 naomi watts

Kate: I do NOT like that it looks like she’s wearing a bandeau under her dress. I hate bandeaus. If you’re wearing one, you’re wearing a shirt you bought knowing you couldn’t wear a normal bra under it, and that’s just too silly for me to approve of. I get that the bandeau may just be part of her dress, but I still don’t like it.

Erica: Is she at all comfortable? Like, isn’t she awfully itchy in that? I was reading something regarding what to dress little ones in for weddings (for no particular reason) and it advised that a whole bodice with sparkles, while pretty, was going to itch under their arms like crazy. And that’s all I could think about looking at this.

Kate: I don’t like the dress at all, and I really don’t like the dark purple lipstick against her fair skin and light blond hair. It doesn’t even match the ugly dress!

Erica: Naomi Watts is very pretty but I hate all of this.

 

Nicole Kidman

oscars 2015 nicole kidman

Kate: So I still really enjoy her long bob, but I cannot help but wonder if she has worn this dress before?

Erica: I don’t know. I don’t think so. I don’t much like it.

Kate: I’m also not sure if it’s white or gold or iridescent or all three? The hideousness of that clutch is making me very angry. I blame Covet for my noticing the clutches more than I usually do.

Erica: Blame? Or thank? I really hate the color on her.

Kate: But WHAT COLOR IS IT?

 

Patricia Arquette

oscars 2015 patricia arquette

Kate: This dress is nice and she looks fine, but I was really hoping for something else from her. She knows she’s going to win!

Erica: But I think her thing is to look, basically, fine. I get the sense that she just tries to look appropriate for the occasion, and not, like wildly sexy and glam and amazing. That said, her hair? Not really acceptable for the occasion.

Kate: Agree on the hair. This is actually a very Meryl dress, and Meryl she is not.

oscars 2015 zoe patricia arquette

Zoe: I think there should be better silver earrings. I want the purse replaced with a necklace and a bracelet. I think there should be a repeating frill on the higher sleeve.

Kate: I am not sure how I feel about “repeating frill”.

 

Reese Witherspoon

oscars 2015 reese witherspoon

Kate: The hair, the makeup, the jewelry and the dress are all so very Reese. It’s interesting that she chose to wear white to every award show this year, white is a bold choice.

Erica: She really looks flawless.

Kate: Many will say this is boring, and maybe it is a little bit, but she still just looks so good. I love her. I can’t wait to watch Wild.

Erica: I don’t know, it’s just so smooth and perfect. Her hair, her makeup. It’s not a remarkable dress, but it’s a really great look on her.

 

Rosamund Pike

oscars 2015 rosamund pike

Kate: I do like me some red on the red carpet.

Ian: I likes it!

Erica: Holy moly she looks AMAZING. Very, very, very tiny, but I FREAKING LOVE THIS DRESS. And this whole look. LOVE.

Kate: Agree, she looks fantastic. I like that the dress is less “out there” than most of her other choices, and her body looks hot-damn incredible. I also really like the very simple makeup and hair. Another best dressed nominee! (So far it’s Anna Kendrick, Marion Cotillard, and Rosamund Pike. Just so we’re keeping track.)

Erica: So for me, it’s Rosamund Pike, Jessica Chastain and Marion Cotillard. And maybe Jennifer Lopez, though I agree with you that the makeup is a little much. But I have to say, I feel like these ladies brought it tonight.

 

Scarlett Johansson

oscars 2015 scarlett johansson

Kate: The color and silhouette are fantastic on her. I cannot figure out what is happening on her neck.

Erica: The neck thing looks weird.

Kate: The neck thing is probably too much for me, and the hair is way too punk for the Oscars, but if I just focus on the dress, it’s perfection.

Erica: I don’t know. It’s a good color but the neck and the neckline just look super-weird.

Jason: She looks like an alien.

Erica: And Jason usually loves her.

 

Sienna Miller

oscars 2015 sienna miller

Ian: Ooooh! What’s she in?

Kate: She played Chris Kyle’s wife in American Sniper, and we like her better as a brunette, remember?

Ian: Oh yea.

Kate: I like this dress and extremely fierce makeup. The multiple bows are a little much, but it’s overall nice on her. I HATE the hair — what is this, Little House on the Prairie? When they zoomed in on it during the pre-show it was either a) still wet, b) hairsprayed within an inch of its life or c) both, and that irked me. A lot.

Erica: I’m not sure why I can’t stand her and have, like, visceral euch reactions to her every time I see her. I might be a bad person.

Kate: When do you see her besides at award shows? But that’s how I feel about all the Kardashians. And Miley Cyrus. And Rihanna and Beyonce. Hmm…

Erica: I think you are carrying a lot more anger towards all of those people than I am towards Sienna Miller. But there is something about her that just makes me go bleh.

 

Zoe Saldana

oscars 2015 zoe saldana

Erica: She looks amazing.

Kate: The color looks absolutely beautiful against her skin, but the detail on the hips and the necklace and the hair are extremely unflattering. The spaghetti straps make it look like lingerie.

Erica: Really? I think this is so flattering on her. She doesn’t look as twig-like. This is actually on my best-dressed list.

Kate: No, we have to remove it from that list. She is not twig-like because she just had a baby.

Erica: Oh really? Mazel Tov! The extra pounds look GREAT on you, hon!

 

Kate: So, Best Dressed?

Erica: Rosamund Pike! And I say this without really knowing anything about her. I didn’t see (and probably won’t see) Gone Girl and I don’t know anything else she’s done and I have never read an interview with her or anything. I just love, love, love her dress.

Kate: I am ok with that, but can Best Dressed be a tie between her and Marion Cotillard?

Erica: Yes. Absolutement.

Kate: Yay! Worst Dressed?

Erica: You know, I really feel like they all stepped up their game tonight. I’m not giving it to Lupita, partly because she has too much credit with me and partly because, yes, I don’t like the dress, but, I feel that the dress accomplished what it meant to accomplish. I don’t want to give it to Gwynnie because, as stupid-looking as it was, it made me laugh. Kerry Washington’s done worse, and her hair and make-up were perfection. I think that leaves Naomi Watts for me.

Kate: Or Emma Stone?

Erica: Yeah, but I liked Emma Stone’s hair and make-up better than I liked Naomi Watt’s hair and make-up. It should be noted, though – the credit Emma Stone has as my dream bff DOES NOT COUNT toward red carpet looks. And she has ZERO credit there.

Kate: Well then who do we give Worst Dressed to!?

Erica: I want to give it to Naomi Watts. You can give it to Emma Stone if you like. Or we can have another tie.

Kate: Ok, I can give it to Naomi Watts. That does it for us for award show season, folks — sad face! But don’t you worry, the dynamic duo will be back this summer for So You Think You Can Dance season 12 — auditions are already under way!

Erica: You guys, I’m doing Zumba now, so by May, I might think *I* can dance!

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Greetings, friends! If you can’t wait until Sunday (well, Monday morning) for another dose of my wit and wisdom, head on over to Land of Lost Books, where Lynne and I have been talking first love. Book first love. http://landoflostbooks.com/portfolio/the-potential-hazards-of-re-reading/

Grammys 2015

Kate: I feel like this may be a bit prejudiced, but I care a wee bit less about the Grammys than other award shows.

Erica: It is the awards show where I go, “Who is this person?” more than any other.

Kate: I just do a better job of keeping up with movies and TV than music — I don’t even know what kids listen to these days. I took a looksee at the nominees while writing this post, though, and I hope Sam Smith and Ed Sheeran win absolutely everything because I a) actually know who they are and b) like their music very much. I also miss Adele.

Erica: Oh, Adele always dresses so pretty, too.

 

Anna Kendrick


grammys 2015 anna kendrick

Kate: SMOKIN’!

Erica: She most certainly is.

Kate: I have to say I’m a little over the suits-on-ladies red carpet trend, but she looks GORGEOUS. I love her hair like that. I want mine to look like that. Best dressed nominee!

Erica: I am always in favor of suits on the red carpet when they look this good. She really looks amazing.

 

Ariana Grande

grammys 2015 ariana grande

Kate: So does her hair just not do anything else?

Erica: I actually just saw one of those listicle things that showed her hair when she first was doing whatever it was she was doing — she’s another Disney Channel refugee, right? — and it was, you know, different. But this has been her look for a while now. I mean, she looks pretty. I don’t know if it’s just her face or she’s affecting that sexy-baby look all the time. It’s a little annoying.

Kate: I don’t think she’s Disney. She looks lovely, but I don’t love the asymmetricalness of the dress. That silver fabric thing looks like it’s stuck to the white dress because of static cling, or something.

Erica: I am not a fan of the dress, really.

Kate: What was even the point of her arriving in that dress? Her performance dress was gorgeous, much better. I kind of want it.


grammys 2015 ariana grande performance

Erica: Oh, yeah, I like those kinds of dresses on you. And it is gorgeous, and it’s not really different enough from the red carpet dress to warrant changing, you know? I mean, it’s different, obviously, but a similar shape and overall look.

 

Beyonce

grammys 2015 beyonce

Kate: I’m not even saying this because I’m a Beyonce hater, but she doesn’t look that good.

Erica: Are you a Beyonce hater? I am not particularly a Beyonce hater — I’m not a fan, but I respect and admire her talent, her self-control and her business acumen. I’m not loving this, though.

Kate: I am 100% a hater. Her hair is too long and flat, her makeup looks barely done and she has definitely already worn this dress or 20 others just like it. OVER YOU, BEYONCE!

Erica: The dress is nice but nothing special, the hair could be better, and yeah, the makeup is practically nonexistent. But also — every picture I saw of her was of her standing like this. Are her hips in danger of falling off if she doesn’t hold them in place? Is there something wrong with her elbows and she needs to keep them in exactly that position for the rest of forever? What’s going on, Bey?

 

Charli XCX

grammys 2015 charli xcx

Kate: Do we even have to discuss this one?

Erica: Ah, it’s my first “Who the f is this?” of the evening!

Kate: She sings songs that are currently popular, I think. This COULD work if the suit weren’t so effing wrinkled and ill-fitting, and if the bowtie were not such a vomitous shade of pink, and if the fur were a) clean and b) more of a contrast to the suit. But all of that awfulness with that gross hair gross makeup and even grosser attitude? No thank you. (Unfortunately, I do like the shoes If only her toes weren’t STICKING OUT OVER THEM.)

Erica: I would just lose the fur entirely, iron the suit, and then I think you’ve got something. Something a little whacky, a little off, but I like whacky and off at the Grammys. The hair, yes, the hair needs improvement. By which I mean shampoo.

 

Ciara


grammys 2015 ciara

Kate: I don’t understand why Ciara is all of a sudden a fashion person — she hasn’t had a popular song since I was in high school, and she didn’t dress all that well then.

Erica: Wait, before we discuss the dress, can we discuss her arms and shoulders for a minute? Because holy hell, woman. You look good.

Kate: Ya. But this is pretty but way too over-the-top couture for the Grammys, for someone not even nominated. I would rather see Beyonce in this, even though I am a Beyonce hater.

Erica: See, I love over-the-top couture for the Grammys. And I like this and I think it looks awesome in it. And okay, yes, this is a lot of look for someone who’s not even nominated, but hey, why not look awe-inspiring anyway?

 

Gwen Stefani

grammys 2015 gwen stefani

Kate: What DOES she do to her face? She keeps getting prettier!

Erica: I am feeling so many things right now. Things I can’t seem to put in order.

Kate: I do not like the pants, or pantsuit, whatever it is, but I like the top of it a lot. And I love her makeup. I feel like her hair always looks like that, so that’s fine.

Erica: I don’t mean to love this. It is a jumpsuit. A capri jumpsuit. With that awkward bagginess in the hips, thighs, crotch area. As I am typing this, I recognize that these things should be vomitous. And yet…and yet. I think I love it. I think it may be the Platonic ideal of Gwen Stefani Grammy outfits. I don’t know what’s happening to me right now. I’m having some sort of existential crisis.

 

Iggy Azalea


grammys 2015 iggy azalea

Erica: I know who she is. And I’m not a big fan. And do we not think her face doesn’t look quite human? Is it the makeup here? Because she looks like what would happen if an alien tried to disguise itself as human and got it almost right. She is the personification of the Uncanny Valley.

Kate: I absolutely hate the hair. Really, I wish she had shaved it all off rather than done that awful braid crown thing. The dress, however, is excellent.

Erica: It is a cool dress.

Kate: It flatters her body incredibly, and I adore that color. (Have I said that enough this award show season?) It could have been a tad longer since she’s so tall and it has that mesh part on the bottom, but overall a great dress. Also, I like the very natural (but tan) makeup. Not alien-y to me.

 

Jennifer Hudson

grammys 2015 jennifer hudson

Kate: Remember when Jennifer Hudson was, like, THE highlight on all red carpets at all award shows for a couple of years?

Erica: Yeah, those were good times.

Kate: Unfortunately, this is way too casual. I like her edgier hair and makeup, I am even mostly ok with the choker necklace, but I really don’t like the dress. It doesn’t even look like a well-made too-casual dress.

Erica: I think she looks nice, if not remarkable. The dress is a good silhouette for her and I like her hair short. She could use a better bra.

 

Jessie J

grammys 2015 jessie j

Kate: I am not a fan of the slicked back hair, but this is a great Grammys dress — elegant with a little edge. Her performance dress was alarmingly similar; like, why bother with both?

Erica: This is pretty much the perfect Grammy dress. Glamourous and flashy and a bit edgy. The hair is a mistake and this picture makes her look like the joker. Also, is she wearing those talon-esque nails? A lot of them were, weren’t they? I hate those nails.

Kate: Agree.

 

Katharine McPhee

grammys 2015 katherine mcphee

Kate: Hmmm.. I like the color, but it’s overall a liiiiiitle too cheap prom for me.

Erica: I loathe the dress.

Kate: Also do not like the hair at all. And are the things in the middle of the cleavage gold or bronze and her earrings are silver? Come on.

Erica: Yeah, come on, Katharine McPhee. You cannot act to save your life, but you are a very pretty girl and you can sing very well. Do better.

 

Katy Perry

grammys 2015 katy perry

Kate: She is actually an extremely pretty girl, and I always want her to wear something a little weird that is still stunning. This dress is not that — the length paired with the shoes is not at all flattering. Maybe if it were more of a sleeveless sweeping ballgown, in that same material/color? AND THE BELT. DAMMIT WITH THE BELT.

Erica: Maybe. I feel like she makes a lot of choices that are weirdly old-lady-ish. She is very pretty, though.

Kate: The hairstyle is nice, if not a little casual, but the color? Come on. I don’t like it on Kelly Osbourne, I sure as heck don’t like it on Katy Perry. Fab makeup though.

Erica: I hate that the color has those black roots, like, on purpose.

Kate: Actually, it must have been a wig, because she had very slicked-back black hair for her performance.

Erica: I kind of thought her performance ensemble was cool.

grammys 2015 katy perry performance

Kate: I thought this was a great performance — no bells and whistles, just singing. Yay Katy!

 

Kim Kardashian

grammys 2015 kim kardashian

Kate: If everyone were allowed to kill one celebrity, I might choose Kim Kardashian. Or her mom, or her sister (Khloe). Truly some of the worst possible human beings on the planet.

Erica: I do not feel the rage you feel towards her. Probably because I’ve never seen her show so I don’t actually know how terrible a person she is.

Kate: She looks absolutely ridiculous. Worst dressed nominee.

Erica: Look, Kim, you wanted sexy bathrobe, but you missed it. You missed it because of those stupid pockets and the overall shapelessness and the fact that your hair looks like you might actually have recently gotten out of the shower and your makeup isn’t really helping that impression at all. But mostly you missed because J. Lo already did sexy bathrobe. She did it 15 years ago and she did it way, way better than you.

grammys 2015 grammys 2000 jennifer lopez

Kate: KIM ALWAYS TRIES TO DO A SEXY BATHROBE AND SHE LOOKS HORRIBLE EVERY TIME! GRRRR!

Erica: To my friends — yes, that was 15 years ago. Yes, we are very, very old now. Sorry.

 

Lady Gaga

grammys 2015 lady gaga arrivals

Kate: I miss when the Grammys were all about Gaga — what creature/machine she was going to ride in on, what type of edible product she would decorate her body with, what mindf*ck of a performance she would deliver. Did she simply just out-crazy herself?

Erica: What is happening with her face?

Kate: This is crazy in that it is so normal (for her). Probably a little too sexy, and it doesn’t need the necklace or the matching green earrings. I think I am most alarmed by the normalness of her hair.

Erica: No but what is happening to her face? This looks like a drag performer doing Lady Gaga.

Kate: Also, are she and Tony Bennett sleeping together? Very touchy-feely during their pre-show interview.

Erica: Ew, Kate. How am I supposed to sleep with that image in my head?

 

Madonna

grammys 2015 madonna

Kate: Oy vey.

Erica: Whatever. I love it.

Kate: I’m ashamed to call her my neighbor.

Erica: It is very much not boring. You go on with your crazypants self, Madonna. You are welcome on any red carpet I’m looking at.

Kate: But it was uncomfortable to watch her perform. She looked like she was about to fall over any second.

 

Meghan Trainor

grammys 2015 meghan trainor

Kate: I have obviously heard her quite catchy “All About That Bass” song, but I always thought it was by a non-white girl, so whenever anyone said “Meghan Trainor”, I pictured Megan McCain, as in Senator McCain’s daughter. So there’s that.

Erica: Really? You’d never seen the video? Or heard one of her complaints about the song, that a white girl claiming to be the one who was “bringing booty back” was a bit appropriative?

Kate: Oh, and this dress is horrible.

Erica: It looks like a less attractive version of the on Jessie J is wearing.

 

Miley Cyrus

grammys 2015 miley cyrus

Erica: I kind of think this is perfect for her.

Kate: She looks a hair classier than usual, but the dress could do with, like, 4-6 fewer cutouts.

Erica: You know, it’s the Grammys. The dress is totally Grammys appropriate and I like that it’s simple and that she kept the hair and makeup and jewelry simple and just kept the point of interest the insane amount of cuts.

Kate: I would have liked it more with better makeup. She’s still a bag of trash.

Erica: Kate! That isn’t nice! And she isn’t a bag of trash! I really think something happens to the girls who go through the Disney mill. That is not a healthy place to be.

Kate: She brags about doing drugs and instagrams naked pictures of herself in the tub. Trash.

 

Miranda Lambert

grammys 2015 miranda lambert

Kate: I like how her lipstick coordinates with those pink straps, but other than that this falls a little flat for me.

Erica: It’s her hair. That’s what’s falling flat.

Kate: I like her hair shorter, but the style itself is too casual for a red carpet, even if it is “just” the Grammys.

Erica: Well, her husband wore blue jeans.

Kate: Don’t even.

 

Nicki Minaj

grammys 2015 nicki minaj

Kate: I am not a Nicki Minaj fan — personality or music — and I usually hate her red carpet fashion. I’ve always felt like she’s a lesser version of the old Gaga. She has, however, toned it down lately, as evident here, and I really don’t hate this dress. Her boobs and butt are OUT of control, but I really don’t hate this dress. (This is about as positive as I can get about her.)

Erica: There is something about her I find appealing. I don’t know why. This dress is not awesome, but I don’t hate it either.

 

Nicole Kidman


grammys 2015 nicole kidman

Kate: Another SMOKIN’!

Erica: Yeah, she’s looking pretty good.

Kate: I normally don’t like anything resembling a turtleneck on the red carpet, but somehow it works on Nicole. I love the dress and her shorter sleeker hair, and I fully acknowledge that on anyone else I would probably say this dress is too casual, but…Best dressed nominee!

Erica: She’s nominated? Oh, wait, you’re saying, she’s a nominee for Best Dressed. Now I get it.

 

Rihanna

grammys 2015 rihanna

Erica: That is a whole thing unto itself.

Kate: Borrowing from my friends’ group text message: “Rihanna looks like a froofy cupcake”. And not in a good way.

Erica: Hey, I’m not bored. And maybe we’ve been doing this for too long but Not Bored is very big with me these days.

Kate: This monstrosity took up about 3 seats during the show. I hope Fashion Police rips her a new one with this.

Erica: She didn’t show up with that dreadful accessory on her arm, so I’m happy.

Kate: He was there, though, and nominated, and there was a lot of talk/singing about domestic violence.

 

Sia

grammys 2015 sia

Kate: You know something, if her white-blond bob with blunt bangs were not so extremely exaggerated, I might love this outfit. Even with the pants.

Erica: I couldn’t find any pics without the sidekick.

Kate: I’m just not sure why she did this — does she have that Daft Punk thing where she doesn’t want to show her face?

Erica: I don’t think so? Don’t you see her face in music videos and the like? Anyway, I do actually kind of like the cape thing and it looks appropriate with that length of pant even though I do not favor formal capris and the shoes are great and…You know what, I’m even going to be in favor of the crazy hair. It’s a look. It’s an outlandish look, but it’s the Grammys. Why not be outlandish?

Kate: I have confirmed that she does in fact have the Daft Punk thing where she doesn’t like showing her face. She didn’t show it during her performance, either.

 

Taylor Swift

grammys 2015 taylor swift

Kate: I absolutely love the pop of purple on the shoes — like, really love. I want them. I don’t not love the dress, but the short part is just a little too short, and the earrings are too matchy-matchy.

Erica: I see what you mean about the earrings, and I’m not loving the structure of the top. I do flipping love the color, and I agree with you 100% on the shoes. That purple is everything.

Kate: The dress did not need the extra straps, but that’s Elie Saab’s fault not Taylor’s.

Erica: I think the straps look fine. It’s the neck and the lack of any femininity to the top that I’m not super-loving. But I think we are being nit-picky because Taylor’s red carpet game is always on fleek. (Can you tell I learned new slang this week?)

Kate: I do not even know what fleek means.

 

Zendaya

grammys 2015 zendaya

Kate: She is a very pretty person. I usually don’t like the darker purple lipsticks, but it works with her skin and hair. Right?

Erica: I also do not know this person. And I’m not loving the lipstick, not so much because it’s dark purple, but because of the dark liner-lighter lipstick look that I thought had gone quietly into that good night in the late ‘90s.

Kate: The dress is a little curtain-esque, but I think it would be pretty great if the one sleeve were shorter.

Erica: Yeah, I kind of weirdly like it, even if it does look like she just wrapped a piece of fabric around herself and tied it with a matching belt.

Kate: So, best dressed?!

Erica: Oh boy. See. The person who popped to my head first was (sigh) Gwen Stefani. Gwen Stefani. In a capri jumpsuit with baggy crotch! But there it is. That’s who I liked the best tonight. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My saner self would go Anna Kendrick.

Kate: Then let’s go with Anna! I am ok with Gwen as runner-up. Worst dressed, also worst human?

Erica: I’m guessing the answer is Kim Kardashian?

Kate: CORRECT! Ok people, the next time you hear from us will be the morning after the mother of all red carpets, the award show we wait all year for, say it with me Er!

Both: THE OSCARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!