Erica: I know y’all are excited about this.
Kate: It has been the highlight of my 2013 so far, besides Book of Mormon.
Erica: See, Oscars, here’s how you make a telecast people want to watch – seat all the stars at tables with their friends and then give them free booze!
Kate: I know, I wish they were all miked while sitting so I could hear little snippets of conversation.
Erica: So I don’t see how we can not start with the hosts. Here’s them on the red carpet.
Tina Fey and Amy Poehler
Erica: I do not approve of Amy Poehler’s “formal capris.” I will not. I cannot.
Kate: I was actually very excited about both of them, until I saw a) the length of Tina’s dress and b) her horrendous shoes. But I was very excited about a) Tina’s hair and b) Amy’s blazer, and I think both of them looked better than usual.
Erica: I love Tina Fey’s hair. The dress is kind of meh. I think Tina’s been doing well lately, but Amy Poehler definitely looks better than usual.
Kate: Again, I like the top. For Amy I would have chosen a longer necklace.
Erica: And here they are in their first hosting outfit:
Erica: See, these dresses look great. Tina’s is a little boring and pageant-y, but the color saves it and, did I mention, I really love her hair like that.
Kate: Me too, and I like these as much as the first two — not a ton, but enough. It also looks like Tina lost some weight, which she did not need to.
Erica: I think it might be just a tight dress. And maybe the pounds you lose when you used to be much fatter, were told you had to diet to be on television, dieted, got on television, got wildly successful, and then had a hosting gig at the Golden Globes in a spangly dress. You know?
Kate: Plus, I enjoyed them hosting SIGNIFICANTLY more than Ricky Gervais.
Erica: And then they changed again. Or back, in Tina’s case.
Kate: Oh I barely noticed that change, don’t like Amy’s third dress. But throughout they night they were both dressing up as/making fun of celebrities at their tables, which I very much enjoyed.
Erica: Oh yeah. I especially liked when they were with J. Lo and George Clooney during their own category’s announcement. I hate Amy’s dress. I continue not to be impressed with Tina’s and it’s not like her hair looks bad and look, I get it, wearing your hair down all night is dangerous. It can fall flat. It can get all knotted and weird. So fine. Sweep it up. But I liked it better down.
Kate: I aspire to achieve that hair look every day.
Erica: And what about our ladies of Les Mis?
Kate: How dare you?
Erica: I mean, she gave a lovely acceptance speech and is charmingly self-deprecating (Although she’s, like, this close to the line between “charming” and “Oh, can it, already.”).
Kate: Er, come on! She looks so Audrey with her hair like that! I guess I would like the dress better if it were one piece, but then it might look too bridal. I also can’t believe how much weight she lost to play Fantine and how she hasn’t gained it back yet. Make her some of your Bolognese!
Erica: Anne, I do not love that dress and I think it looks bridal anyway, but you can come over any time for some Bolognese. It would be my pleasure to host you. Just don’t sing any Fantine songs. You were wonderful but I just can’t take any more tears. And don’t make fun of being Princess of Genovia in my presence, please.
Kate: The problem here is two-fold: 1) That pin thing in the front, 2) her hair in front of her shoulders. The detail on that dress — Givenchy, might I add — needs to be seen in all its glory, and her (albeit lovely) hair is hiding it.
Erica: I totally hate it. I love her, I really do. I mean, how can you not love her when she makes faces like this on the red carpet:
Kate: I, in fact, do not love her, but would like to take this dress off her hands.
Erica: But I totally hate this dress. With the collar and the weird lace and it looks like a redneck in 1987 designed her dream wedding gown I’m sorry.
Kate: Again, how dare you! This is Givenchy!
Erica: She also gave a charming acceptance speech.
Kate: Love it. Love her.
Erica: It’s like the dress is going, “Look, boobs!” It’s hard to see in this picture but the folds of fabric are just kind of like, “Hey, there are boobs here! No, really! Right here!” I am not so much enjoying that aspect of it.
Kate: Yes the boob part was weird but worked because of her torso length, I think. I really like the color, and for once I like the use of a belt on the red carpet. But just this once.
Erica: I don’t think it worked; I just think it’s ignorable. As is the belt. You know what I think it is though? Not so much her torso length but her general adorability.
Erica: Um, wow. What is going on here?
Kate: Wow as in bad wow, right?
Erica: She looks great. Her back doesn’t look all slouchy. The dress is a little glamorous and understated and not overtly hipster in any way. She . . . looks great. And, uh, congrats.
Kate: I disagree. I obviously adore her and Girls, but I think this was a horrible choice — it is ill fitting and a very poopy color, she’s done better than this on random nights out in Brooklyn.
Erica: Has she? Because I’ve never seen it.
Kate: And here she is with her girls:
Kate: I like Marney’s dress but not Shoshana’s.
Erica: Zosia Mamet managed to look like a human and Allison Williams is still too skinny.
Kate: Yes, still too skinny.
Erica: Oh, and the fourth one didn’t show up again. I’d think she was too good for awards shows or something, but, like, half the invited guests had the flu. This thing is seriously an epidemic, I guess.
Kate: Yea what’s up with that? Jennifer Lawrence has the flu and she was there! Step it up, celebs!
Erica: Dude, no, stay home. This flu is apparently a real whopper; even if you’ve had the flu shot you can get it and it’s ripping through the population.
Erica: Hair down! Score one for us!
Kate: PER. FEC. TION.
Erica: And she’s smiling like she’s supposed to be there! Sort of.
Kate: Well she knew she wasn’t going to win but wanted go and party anyway.
Erica: You know, in just about every picture of her, she’s in this pose.
Erica: Just sayin’. It’s better than her usual, “Oh, please don’t point that thing at me. What, really? Alright, fine, if you insist.” pose.
Erica: Also hair down! Score two for us!
Kate: Yes I really really really like her hair down, she sometimes has very weird updos.
Erica: She’s so pretty.
Kate: The whole look is actually very Sweet 16-esque, but I still like it. Might like it better without the fish/mermaid tail, whatever you call it.
Erica: I didn’t used to dislike the mermaid tail thing but I am rethinking that.
Erica: So I heard her say on the red carpet that she didn’t go big with the jewelry because the dress was already so much. But I think the dress actually needed, like, a gorgeous diamond necklace and fancier hair and make-up, because the dress was such a glamorous, lacy, complicated thing.
Kate: Disagree, a big necklace would have taken away from the detail of the dress. I love this, she was instantly a best dressed pick for me.
Erica: She just had a baby?
Erica: I mean, can we consider her waist for a minute? I think it is actually smaller in circumference than her head. Especially with her hair like that.
Kate: Why is everyone’s hair so nice and down and blown out but with those perfect flippy parts? Why can’t my hair do that? I love this dress, by the way. Eye makeup a wee bit too dark though.
Erica: I wasn’t being complimentary about her waist. It’s scary. Even if her hair looks fabulous. And yes, I like the dress.
Erica: Hate it.
Kate: Complete hatred.
Erica: Makes me worry about her boobs. Hate it.
Kate: Bad hair part/slicking, bad lipstick, bad top of dress, bad color of dress, all so bad.
Erica: The waist sits funny, too, like it’s a little too high – or a little too low – and it maybe wants to become a peplum or something. But I think the color is lovely on her and she’s beautiful and has the hair I wish I had and also, congrats.
Kate: You are wrong a lot right now.
Erica: So, first of all, I forgot Game Change happened this year. That seems like forever ago.
Kate: I saw it!
Erica: Second of all, Julianne Moore, 50 is the new 30 or something. You don’t have to dress like you’re over the hill yet. You’re gorgeous.
Kate: Yea, don’t like the dress at all, and I find it odd that she hasn’t changed her hair back from the Sarah Palin style.
Erica: See, this is what I mean. Jodie Foster is 50, and she’s dressing like she’s still a glamorous movie star. Maybe it’s because she’s . . . single.
Kate: Or maybe it’s because she’s bat-sh!t crazy, as evidenced by her speech which I could not understand why everyone was crying about it.
Erica: Well, she seemed to be announcing her . . . retirement? Along with not-coming-out-but-she’s-gay-but-she’s-not-coming-out-because-fame-is-hard? Also, she, like everyone else in the room, was piss-ass drunk at this point.
Kate: Can we also focus on that hair? And how grossed out her kids were by her speech?
Erica: The kids just seemed to be, you know, embarrassed, because they’re her kids, and whatnot. The haircut makes her forehead look enormous. She should rethink that. But you know what? Watching the clips, I realized I haven’t seen nearly enough Jodie Foster movies. A lot of them looked good.
Kate:Minus the earings, perfection!
Erica: Is she blondish now?
Kate: It appears that way, but I really like it. She has such a perfect face.
Erica: I do not like the stomach cut-outs. I don’t care how good your stomach is, I don’t like them. They’re weird.
Kate: This dress would kind of suck without them, though.
Erica: IMH(ha!)O, it sucks with them.
Erica: I did not like this, Kate, did you?
Kate: I did, with exceptions: I think this color looks better on someone with a hair color like, say, mine, and I think it is a fairly blatant copy of that Hilary Swank Oscar dress. But I do like it in general.
Erica: I am not a fan of the nun-in-the-front, party-in-the-back dress. And yeah, her coloring and the dress’s are not good for each other.
Kate: And I am not a fan of that folding-the-hair-under thing, ew.
Erica: I felt bored by this at first and have since decided it is dreamy and lovely.
Kate: I hate it.
Erica: Because it matches her skin tone?
Kate: Yes, and it is too tight. She still has not learned how to wear Spanx. And the hair would be acceptable if it were not KRIMPED.
Erica: It’s . . . not? Also, for what does she need to wear Spanx?
Kate: To make everything very smooth lines! I didn’t like how it hugged her.
Erica: But here is what I don’t get. If you’re going to wear a dress like that – and she’s hardly the only offender; practically all of the ladies do this – why bother wearing six-inch stilettos with platforms such that you can hardly walk up and down the stairs when your dress is going to cover them up anyway? Don’t you look more ridiculous when you need a team of people to help you move than when you look, perhaps, an inch or two shorter?
Kate: Every single female needed a team of people to help them get down those stairs. It was kind of pathetic.
Kate: This looks like Forever 21‘s version of what Audrey wore in Sabrina; ergo, I HATE it. And that stupid braid.
Erica: I really like it. It ought to look like she’s somebody’s grandmother’s couch, but the clean lines and lack of adornment make it really lovely and unusual and I like her hair. Also she and Connie Britton appear to be close friends.
Kate: No, it sucks. And is way too big for a) the Globes and b) someone who is not even nominated.
Erica: I did not like her in Rock of Ages. I thought she was the worst part. But this dress is . . . memorable. And I mean that in a good way.
Kate: I surprised myself by really liking this dress, until the showed the entire thing and I hated the bottom. If it were more of a column style and the sparkley things faded out toward the bottom it would have been perfect. I even like the hair.
Erica: See, I thought it would have been too expected and safe it was more of a column.
Kate: I don’t, however, like that she gets to attend everything just because of who her boyfriend is.
Erica: I still do not understand who this person is.
Kate: She’s an E! host, duh!
Erica: And I loathe this dress.
Kate: Yea, she makes Jessica Chastain look like a fashion icon. Worst dressed by a landslide.