Grammys 2013

Erica: Grammy time! You know what I love about the Grammys?

Kate: What?

Erica: At the Grammys, celebs tend to go a little nuts with their look. You know, it’s music! It’s rock and roll! It’s . . .

Carrie Underwood

Carrie Underwood - Grammys 2013

Erica: Hey, wait a second.

Kate: I am a new fan of Carrie so I like this, but I don’t think the necklace matches. And she fooled me with her hair because I thought it looked so cute at that length and then she turned around and there was a whole lot more/longer hair in the back, which I didn’t feel was necessary.

Erica: Well, she is a country star, so I guess funky is not to be expected. And I’m used to seeing Carrie Underwood dress like she’s an aging country star, so this is definitely an improvement.

Kate: Are you nuts? She dresses so cute!

Erica:  On the red carpet, I’ve mainly seen her in things that would be appropriate on a woman at least twenty years her senior. This is very beautiful. The details are interesting and pretty. She looks good.

Erica: But surely someone must have brought the funk, right? Like Rihanna! She’s always very interesting with her fashion choices!

Rihanna

Rihanna - Grammys 2013

Erica: Oh.

Kate: I hate this woman so much.

Erica: I mean, it looks beautiful, it really does. And she’s all happy and glowy. I guess she’s pleased to be back with her boyfriend Chris Brown. Look, Rihanna, I know you love him and you feel all giddy now. But has he gone to anger management therapy? Has he confronted his demons? Found Jesus? Done anything to make you think he’s not going to hit you again? Or has he tattooed your bruised face to his neck and dressed like a terrorist for Halloween?

Kate:  I mean, her forehead is so big, I don’t understand why she just doesn’t wear bangs. And this was WAY too sheer in the front. #Nips

Erica: I’m just saying, RiRi, you sing a lot of songs about how you should not be trusted to make your own decisions, especially when it comes to love. But look, when you need us, my daughter Zoe and I will be there for you. You can come stay at our house and we will feed you and play Just Dance with you. Zoe will still love you.

Kate: Ew.

Alicia Keys

Alicia Keys - Grammys 2013

Erica: Okay, that’s a little funky. Way more glam than funky, but . . . with stomach cut-outs? That I actually think look good?

Kate: Oh I like this much better than what she wore to perform!

Alicia Keys - performance - Grammys 2013

Erica: Oh, totes. That is some weirdly proportioned sh!t right there.

Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift - Grammys 2013

Erica: Well, no one expects Taylor Swift to be funky. God, I hate this twit. Not in the least because “We Are Never, Never, Never Getting Back Together” will never, never, never leave my head.

Kate: I actually really like this dress and minus all the silvery meshy things in the middle/on the side, and the cutouts, it is similar to the wedding dress I am designing for myself in my head.

Erica:  Well, I am a little meh about the dress. I liked it at first glance, but the more I look at it, the more the proportions are a little weird and I don’t love the slits. On the plus side, my Hebrew School kids wrote a pretty good parody of that song to go with the story of Judith.

Kate: Hah!

Taylor Swift hair - Grammys 2013

Erica: Now, I know you hate braids in general, and I like braids, but these braids are a little sloppy for the rest of the look/Taylor Swift’s image in general.

Kate: I have made my feelings about braids on the red carpet VERY clear.

Erica: So are they okay off the red carpet? Because I really think they’re kinda cute.

Kate: Only if your name is Moondance or you’re under the age of 10.

J. Lo

J Lo - Grammys 2013

Kate: I screamed at the TV when she came on. This is HORRENDOUS. She is no longer the daring fashionista with Latina flavor who wore that green thing and looked good, she is now too old and too annoying to be wearing something so obnoxious.

Erica: Talk about a slit. Although you don’t have to be ageist about it.

Kate: The woman has a phenomenal body but I do NOT need to see that much of her leg, or anyone else’s for that matter.  And that bun? What is that bun? I put my hair in that bun every night before I go to bed. UGH!

Erica: J. Lo, I am not your gynecologist.

Kaley Cuoco

Kaley Cuoco - Grammys 2013

Erica: Now, it’s not clear to me what she’s doing here, but remember how bad she looked at the SAGs? She looks so much better here! Her hair isn’t all bizarre and her make-up makes her face look like that of a healthy young actress and not a dying prostitute circa 1894.

Kate: My roommate said she is dating a high-level CBS executive so that is why she is at everything now. But she looks like she is going to lunch with a friend, no?

Erica: True . . . but with a little more funky than anyone else has shown.

Beyonce

Beyonce - Grammys 2013

Erica: Now, what the f is going on here?

Kate: Apparently she and Kaley decided to wear what they wore to lunch that day. I was very disappointed in this.

Erica: I mean, this is Beyonce f*cking Knowles. This is looks less glamorous than what she usually wears to the supermarket.

Kate: I’m SAYING!

Katy Perry

Katy Perry - Grammys 2013

Erica: Gah.

Kate: I think she is actually gorgeous, and I like that she’s one of the only people who ever wears colors like this, but this was not a good choice.

Erica: She is gorgeous, but Grandma Edith would have worn this dress. In her 80s. Why is Katy Perry who is not more than 25 wearing it?

Kate: She most certainly would not have. (But she would have had matching sneakers.)

Adele

Adele - Grammys 2013

Erica: Oh, dear.

Kate: No no no no no! She is an angel/goddess/saint and she looks so cute! At least she isn’t wearing black again, right?

Erica: I like the concept of the dress, and it’s kind of adorable and fun that the shoes match, and she’s lovely as ever, but the top is making her look really frumpy and square. Adele, darling, we have not dissimilar figures. And we need a little v or at least a scoop in our neck.

Kate: Fine, fair enough, but I like how it stands out from her other award show choices. And I think the length is actually great on her.

Erica: I mean, I love you, and you are perfection in all things. I just want to take a scissor to your neckline. That’s all.

Carly Rae Jepsen

Carly Rae Jepsen - Grammys 2013

Kate: So bad! Why would this cutesy little pop princess go for the vamp look at her first big awards show? Why why why?

Erica: Especially since it might also be her last!

Florence Welch

Florence Welch - Grammys 2013

Kate: I can’t believe this is Givenchy.

Erica: See? They aren’t infallible.

Kate: It actually would be quite swell without all the horns/thorns/whatever you want to call them; I love the color and THIS (ahem, Jennifer Lopez) is the appropriate use of a slit.

Erica: Color, yes. Slit, yes. Material? Bleh. Shape? Bleh.

Kate: But…Bad lipstick.

Faith Hill

Faith Hill - Grammys 2013

Kate: You know, I actually loved this during the show.

Erica: Yeah, I loved my first glimpse of it, too.

Kate: But now I see I don’t love the length, and the shoes do not look good with it. I still think it’s funky and cool and you can never go wrong with a little black and a little lace, I always say.

Erica: Shoes could definitely be cooler. But overall, a good look.

Kate: In two weeks is the BIG ONE guys…OSCARS!!! If anyone wears pants, belts, headbands and/or braids, or any combination of the four, I may denounce Hollywood altogether. Stay tuned.

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SAGs 2013

Erica: We are only a very tiny bit late with this, but I think late is better than never, right?

Kate: Right-o

Jane Lynch 

Jane Lynch - SAGs 2013

Erica: So, I hate this dress. I love Jane Lynch, of course, but I hate this dress. I hate it both as an item in and of itself, and also how it looks on her, making her torso look all frumpy and weird. BUT…

Jane Lynch - face - SAGs 2013

Erica: …Her makeup is perfection. And that’s saying something on a night when everyone else went with either Best Lil’ Whorehouse in Texas or Vampire.

Kate: Agreed! That looks like something for someone much younger than Jane, but it would look terrible on anyone I think.

Jaimie Alexander

Jaimie Alexander - SAGs 2013

Kate: I am quite impressed by this construction, but um who is she??

Erica: You know, this is the kind of thing that works. Because I am irritated by dresses where your main thought is, seriously, how much double-sided tape is she using, and also I am irritated by the superfluous “i” in her name. Typically, girls are Jaime (from the French J’aime, meaning “I love”) and boys are Jamie (because it’s a nickname for James), and she’s gone with both and that’s just irritating. But I didn’t know who she was before and now she exists in my consciousness so she did exactly what she and her stylist and her publicist want her to do.

Kate: Well, don’t you think her parents went with both and she did not have much of a say in the matter?

Erica: No. I do not think that’s what happened.

Jennifer Lawrence

Jennifer Lawrence - SAGs 2013

Erica: It’s not easy to see here, but I noticed on SNL, this baby got back. In a totally hot way.

Kate: Ian said the exact same thing, which I took very well. I really love this dress and color, I am eh on the necklace, and I wish her hair had been different.

Erica: Really? I’m kind of digging the hair.

Kaley Cuoco

Kaley Cuoco - SAGs 2013

Erica: Oh my goodness is she ill? What happened to her head?

Kate: YIKES! HORRID! What is with that length?

Katrina Bowden

Katrina Bowden - SAGs 2013

Erica: Whereas I’m not so sure I know who she is, but I love this dress.

Kate: Me too! Accessories are too matchy-matchy, though.

Erica: You’re not wrong. But seriously, who is this? She looks exactly like what’s-her-name who played the slutty cousin in The Wedding Singer, but I know that’s not her.

Kate: Apparently she is on 30 Rock.

Erica: Oh! I do know who she is!

Kelli Garner

Kelli Garner - SAGs 2013

Erica: Kate, look out! It’s a peplum!

Kate: I do not have enough time in my day to go through everything that is wrong with this.

Kerry Washington

Kerry Washington - SAGs 2013

Erica: This is one of the first times I’ve liked her red carpet look. Did I tell you I saw her on Bill Maher? She was so fabulous; I was way more impressed with her intellect, charm, and humor than I expected to be.

Kate: But it’s almost a direct copy of Anne Hathaway’s Golden Globes dress which, may I point out, you did not like!

Erica: Yeah, you may have a point. Speaking of whom…

Anne Hathaway

 Anne Hathaway - SAGs 2013

Kate: I admit I do not love this one bit, but I am still reeling from my Les Mis experience so I will refrain from saying anything else.

Erica: I feel like, bra. That is all.

Amanda Seyfried

 Amanda Seyfried - SAGs 2013

Kate: I would completely and absolutely love this if it weren’t for the necklace that looks it like it’s from Claire’s. WHAT stylist allowed that to happen!?

Erica: This was Zoe’s favorite.

Kate: Also kind of similar to Jennifer Lawrence’s, no?

Erica: Not so much. I mean, they both went with strapless and colors that could be described as “dark blue,” but other than that . . .

Kate: Well yea, that’s what I meant.

Jessica Chastain

 Jessica Chastain - SAGs 2013

Kate: “Not a total Betty but a vast improvement.”

Erica: Ha! Yeah.

Kate: What I mean is, she looks much better here than she did at the Golden Globes, but it was a fairly boring choice and I thought you weren’t supposed to wear dresses the same color as your hair?

Erica: That said, I love the color of her hair.

Sophia Vergara

 Sofia Vergara - SAGs 2013

Kate: I wanted to include her because this is the first time I think she looks almost bad on the red carpet. I think the dress is ill fitted, not her usual style and a stupid color.

Erica: It’s a terrible material, is what it is. It’s really cheap-looking. And the top looks like if she doesn’t keep her arms in exactly that position, it’ll all fall down. Shoes are kinda cute, if wedding-y, though.

Kiernan Shipka

Kiernan Shipka - SAGs 2013

Kate: I am not even remotely kidding when I say I think she wins best dressed of the night by a mile. She looks adorable, I love the color and pattern and length; it’s like a juniors’ Audrey dress. Flippy cute hair, understated makeup (I mean how much should a girl her age be wearing anyway?), no jewelry except for studs, and she is even rockin’ some thick eyebrows a la me when I was that age. I absolutely LOVE it!

Erica: I like you with thicker eyebrows.

Kate: But don’t you love this?!

Erica: Yes! I do!

Sally Field

 Sally Field - SAGs 2013

Kate: I really like this color, but mostly for vacation ensembles as opposed to the red carpet. And if possible, the length/style of the gown makes her look even shorter. And I don’t like her hair. Nice material, though.

Erica: I really feel terrible saying this but I think it’s too young for her. The color and the design are very girlish, which kind of highlights that she’s not so girlish anymore. I don’t mean to be all, “Leave the pretty dresses to the young people, Sally Field, you old bag!” I’m not thinking she should cover up more or anything. I just think . . . yeah. Girlish dress.  Pretty. But girlish.

Claire Danes

 Claire Danes - SAGs 2013

Kate: Do not like at all. Dammit Angela.

Erica: She best exemplified the Vampire make-up choice of the evening.

Kate: I have yet to see anyone who looks remotely good in that dark purple/red lipstick – actresses, models and friends included (sorry if I’m offending anyone, but seriously look in the mirror).

Marion Cotillard

 Marion Cotillard - SAGs 2013

Kate: For reasons unbeknownst to me I kind of love this.

Erica: Yeah, I’m normally against color-blocked evening wear but this is very nice.

Kate: I know it almost looks like an old Jessica McClintock prom dress, but I really like the contrast of the two colors and even the cut of the dress in front, and her hair is very classy. She is quite gorgeous.

Erica: She could have done better with the shoes, though.

Kate: Yes. The darker the blue, the further away you stay from black.

Nina Dobrev

 Nina Dobrev - SAGs 2013

Kate: I don’t really know or care who this girl is (Vampire Diaries?) but I wanted to include her because she is a very close runner-up for my best dressed. I don’t think anyone of any different shape or size can pull off that t-shirt/column style, but I love how the slits break up the bright color and I love the bright color. And the earrings and the hair.

Erica: Yeah, she’s not well-known to me but she looks really good. She’s extraordinarily pretty, too, if in a “I could totally play Lolita” way.

Kate: Yea, so she and Kiernan win best dressed, and Kaley wins worst.

Erica: Well, that’s it from us for today. But listen, faithful readers – my dad saw something on Colbert Report about some other fashion bloggers who went viral or something and is mad that Kate and I have not. So, to make an old man happy, will you please, if you like our fashion commentary, send this link out to, like, everyone you’ve ever met? Thanks!

Kate: And don’t forget about our own Super Bowl of fashion, the Oscars, on February 24th (post to come the next day or the day after that)!

Emmys 2012

Erica: Check this out! It’s an Erica/Kate conversation about Emmys fashions! And yes, btw, I’m going with Emmys and not Emmies. I don’t know. The latter looks wrong to me.

Kate: Emmys is correct; even iPhone autocorrect recognizes it. Same with Tonys. (Right?)

Erica: Right. Except iPhone autocorrect didn’t recognize “kale” and thought I wanted some “black male panzanella.” So I don’t always trust iPhone autocorrect. Anyway, let’s go!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Erica: I think she looks great!

Kate: I LOVE! Such a great color and I’m so pleased she won for Veep for two reasons: 1) It’s a grown-up comedy about politics that I actually know and like and understand, and 2) HBO never wins for comedies. But when they zoomed in on her during the acceptance speech I noted that her earrings didn’t match and her makeup looked not quite finished.

Erica: Her hair and make up could be a little more oomphy. But she looks fantastic! I’m so proud of her!

Connie Britton

Erica: On the other hand . . .

Kate: I know, this really upset me, but it’s no SO bad from the waist down.

Erica: I mean, let’s discuss. Connie Britton has the greatest head of hair in recorded history. I checked. So why is it up?

Kate: I really am not sure.

Erica: And the shape is so blah! Connie Britton, you are a hottie! Dress like it!

Kate: But the color actually works because of her hair color, no?

Erica: I guess.

Kate: PS So excited for her new show Nashville October 10!!!!

Erica: Yeah, me too. On to the women of “Mad Men”! Starting with, naturally . . .

Christina Hendricks

Erica: Hair? Perfect. Make-up? Great. Dress?

Kate: PERFECT MINUS THE BELT! What is with everyone and belts on the red carpet?

Erica: Yeah, that’s my problem. I mean, my real problem is that it looks like an actual belt. I hate that on a formal gown.

Kate: And I love her hair all grown out like that, and the earrings, and that facial expression. She knew she won this one.

Erica: She wins at life, man.

Elizabeth Moss

Kate: Gah!

Erica: Why is she blonde?

Kate: Gaaaaaaaahhh!!!

Erica: No, I mean, why is she blonde?

Kate: Why did the seamstress not finish the bottom half of this dress?

Erica: Yeah, but why is she blonde?

January Jones

Erica: First, I love whatever this gesture is. This is a caption-worthy photo right here.

Kate: Do I even need to say anything here?

Erica: Here’s the thing about January Jones. She seems to always dress like she’s trying to convince everyone that she is NOT Betty Draper and a lot of the time she looks ridiculous. And miserable. But here, I don’t know, maybe it’s the smile, but I think I really love this dress.

Kate: Here’s the thing about January Jones, she looks terrible here and should try dress shapes other than tight as hell on top and stupidly poofy on the bottom.

Erica: I don’t know; she’s very experimental and I sort of like this one.

Kate: If experimental means continuously wearing the same stupid thing.

Kiernan Shipka

Erica: OMG she looks adorable.

Kate: Yes, perfect!!

Erica: Now what about the girls of “Girls”? Jemima Kirke (the wacky Jenna) was mysteriously absent (or mysteriously if you haven’t, you know, Googled her or anything) but how did the rest of them do?

Lena Dunham

Erica: You know what? I’m grading her on a curve. A curve made up of all of her other fashion choices ever, including what she dresses her character in for “Girls”. And on that curve? Solid B+.

Kate: I was actually expecting a lot more from Lena because she uglies herself up so much for the show and she is actually a good-looking human being, but I think she truly just doesn’t give a hoot.

Erica: See, the thing is, she’s a perfectly fine-looking person . . . for a person. Not so much for a Hollywood actress. And she appears determined at all times to demonstrate that she’s not even TRYING to be pretty like everyone else. She’s doing like, the opposite of what January Jones does.

Kate: Ergo, I adore her.

Zosia Mamet

Erica: I mean, I love her. She’s adorable on the show and I really want to see more from her character and more from her as an actress. She’s a person who, if I know she’s in a movie, I’ll see it, just for her.

Kate: I can’t decide who’s funnier, her or Marni, but this was a total fail for her red carpet debut. And she has the wrong shape/size head/ears for her hair so severely slicked back like that, as do most people.

Erica: Seriously, ladies of the entertainment industry. Hair is pretty. Especially your hair. Show it off.

Allison Williams

Erica: She is way skinnier than I thought she was. Or she lost weight. She should not do that.

Kate: She does look like she lost weight, but I absolutely love this dress, except for that stupid peplum thing that is literally haunting me everywhere I go.

Erica: Literally? Really?

Kate: They are everywhere!!!

Erica: The thing about the peplum is that it’s supposed to create hips on bodies that don’t have them. And some bodies really don’t. But some bodies have just dieted theirs into oblivion. Allison.

Kate: They are an eye sore.

Erica: So who else do we want to talk about?

Kate: How about . . .

Kerry Washington

Erica: Really? I feel like this is not very exciting from her.

Kate: No but I like it/would wear it, but I do agree with what my fashion-conscious boyfriend said during a football game commercial when I was permitted to see all the dresses: She’s too skinny.

Erica: Yeah, she’s lost a little weight, too, and not in a good way. But honestly, she’s hardly the worst offender there. Allison. Also, Kate, I don’t like that dress for you.

Kate: Fine, I’ll text her back and tell her to cancel sending it to me.

Kaley Cuoco

Erica: So I feel like I frequently enjoy her outfits at awards shows, and this is no exception. But what is up with her face? It’s not like I normally know what she looks like, because I don’t watch the show she’s on (or, actually, know what it is), but I feel like that’s not normally what her face looks like.

Kate: This is one of the three very blonde ladies who woe bright-ass yellow, and this is the worst one. I mean, ew!

Erica: Really? I like it. And I think Julianne Moore’s is the worst one. (I know she’s not blonde but she also chose bright yellow.) Why does such a beautiful woman dress like that?

Kate: Yes, Julianne Moore looked terrible as well. That was way too much for the Emmys.

Erica: Hey, what about the lovely ladies of “Modern Family”?

Sophia Vergara

Kate: She is a mermaid, and not in a good way.

Erica: She’s wearing a cool color this time instead of a warm one. That’s change, right?

Kate: Why doesn’t she try wearing her hair up for once?

Erica: Geez, we are difficult to please.

Kate: Well this is exactly why they attend these things!

Julie Bowen

Erica: I really like Julie Bowen. I think she’s one of the prettiest people, in a very quiet way, like you could almost mistake her for a regular person until you look at her again, but I am frequently critical of her fashion choices. I take it all back. This is by far the worst thing she’s ever worn.

Kate: Second blondie wearing yellow (or is this neon green?), and I hate this one as well.

Erica: No, wait, I’m sorry, it’s not the dress. It’s the hair. What’s up with your hair, Julie Bowen?

Kate: It looks 10 times worse than mine when I don’t do it/put anything into it, and that’s pretty bad.

Kate: Okay, who else?

Mindy Kaling

Erica: I’m sure there’s a dress that could be slightly more flattering on her and I wish she’d ease up on make-up just a touch – like, back when Jane was a) in existence, and b) good, they used to do a monthly Make-under, and I’d kind of like to see that done to Mindy here, but, you know, I think she’s just terrific and overall she looks lovely.

Kate: I LOOOOVEEE! The goddessy shape is my favorite and the color is super swell, I just could do without the gold belt and that gothic lipstick color. Jeez Mindy. (Er you need to give me her book still!)

Erica: Kate, I took it out of the library, so I don’t know what to tell you.

Kate: Ugh, damn the man.

Ginnifer Goodwin

Erica: I really love her. I don’t know why she’s making that face. But I love her. And I sort of love this dress. It’s not that it looks amazing on her, and I’m always hesitant about belted things, and in this case, the color on the belt is a mismatch, but the dress is really interesting and unusual and the color is great and I think I like it.

Kate: Yes that is quite a face, and I sort of love it too, which is surprising to me.

Erica: Those shoes, though. Those shoes freak me out.

Kate: See, I like the shoes and how they peak out from the dress but still sort of blend into it. (What is wrong with me?)

Erica: No, look closer! They are the orange version of the ones Rihanna wore that don’t actually cover the toes!

Kate: I know, I still like it, so I will check myself into a mental institution shortly after this post.

Melissa McCarthy

Erica: She looks pretty good.

Kate: I don’t love the hair but it is a nice change from the same 3 dresses she wore all spring award show season.

Erica: I kind of hate that her purse and ring clash, and there are a whole lot of textures going on in the dress, but the shape is good and I’d say it’s a win for her.

Kate: Oh I didn’t even notice, but her ring matches her nails no?

Erica: Yeah. I like the ring. Just not with the purse.

Kate: And I’M tough to please?
Hayden Panettiere
Photo Gallery: Emmys 2012: Red Carpet Hits and Misses
Kate: I actually sort of love this dress, it’s very different, but I hate that she keeps doing that horrible thing with her hair. Down and mussy would have been perfect-o.

Erica: I absolutely adore this dress, and agree with you about the hair. She’s another one with simply fabulous locks that should always be visible. Although in this dress you could also do some pretty braids and twists and things.

Kate: No, braids are bad.

Claire Danes
Photo Gallery: Emmys 2012: Red Carpet Hits and Misses

Kate: Third blondie wearing yellow and this is my favorite one, although it looked much better live during the show than it does in this photo. You’re going to say you don’t like the bagginess of it, aren’t you?

Erica: Yeah, I am. Although to be fair, I didn’t watch the telecast, so maybe you’re right. Also her make-up is washing her out.

Kate: No then it’s definitely the photo because she looked great during the show.

Tina Fey

Photo Gallery: Emmys 2012: Red Carpet Hits and Misses

Kate: Um excuse me I love this!!<

Erica: This is sexy! I like that Tina Fey is finally embracing that she’s a good-looking person.

Kate: Totes!

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi

Erica: Ellen looks . . . I mean, I don’t like her hair like that but otherwise she looks fine. She likes to do the suity thing and it’s fine.

Kate: Yea, you can’t say anything bad about Ellen.

Erica: But Portia appears to be wearing a beige macrame jumpsuit. I just do not know what the hell anymore because seriously.

Kate: Blends in with her skintone and hair, which you know I love (no). Also, those are pants? . . .

Erica: Yes! It’s just . . . Quick, let’s look at something else.

Zooey Deschanel

Erica: Ah, that’s better. Like a lovely sorbet for the eyes.

Kate: Her face and hair are adorable as usual but the top of that dress does very strange things to her chest.

Erica: Yeah . . . but it’s so dreamy! It’s not her usual style. It’s not obviously retro or quirky or costume-y. But it still suits her.

Kate: And I actually like the lack of jewelry with hair up and a strapless dress, very natural.

Erica: Jewelry would make that dress look weirdly trashy, I think. Ethereal air sprites don’t wear jewelry.

Kate: And on that note, we bid you adieu.

SAGs 2012

You all will have to excuse me today. I am sick. Zoe is sick. In addition to being sick, I can’t seem to find a way to string more than five hours of sleep together. Like, for several nights now. And I know all you new parents out there are going, “I’d kill for five hours of sleep,” and listen, I swear, it gets better. It gets so much better that you start to question the sanity of ever having another baby. And then you think, but don’t children need siblings? Shouldn’t I for her sake have another one? And then you think, if the little stinker would go to sleep before eleven and/or wake up after 5-fucking-30, maybe we could think about a sibling, but . . .

I digress.

The SAGs!

I have to say, I didn’t recognize a great many people on the red carpet, which is making me feel pretty out of it.

Aimee Garcia

Like this chick. Love the dress. Don’t recognize the girl.

Aleksa Palladino

Or her. But I only bring her up to point out that she and George Clooney’s date have nearly identical dresses on.

See?

Amber Riley

Like the shape, but the bow is dumb and isn’t that a cocktail dress and not a formal gown?

Angelina Jolie

And we’re back to draped garbage bags, huh, Angie?

Ariel Winter

This is confusing to me. Because when I first saw the picture, I went, “Oh! She looks adorable! I love this one! And the color is great!” But then I looked and looked and the bodice and the skirt started looking mismatched to me and I hated them both. But when I look at the whole picture I like it. Like a Monet. You know, from far away it’s okay and all, but up close it’s a big old mess!

Ashlee Simpson

What explains her presence here?

Berenice Bejo

I know who she is! And I must say, the dress is kind of boring and I don’t like the necklace with it. But her facial expressions in nearly every single picture were awesome and increased my already strong desire to see The Artist.

Busy Phillips

Oh, Busy. What happened, you were lying on the beach and suddenly Siri reminded you that you were supposed to be at an awards show, so you just threw on your cover-up and ran?

Or do you just really, really want people to believe that’s what happened?

Diane Lane

(sigh) Okay, fine, I like it. I refuse to like her, though.

Dianna Agron

Not the most interesting clothing anyone has ever worn, but she looks very pretty. And I love the hair.

Emilia Clarke

I am on the record as not liking black-and-white color-blocked evening wear. I think it makes you look like waitstaff. And this one has the weird shoulders and neckline happening, too, so she looks like a shrugging alien.

But her hair and make-up look absolutely fantastic.

Emily Blunt

Love. A strong color and a drapey flowiness do it for me.

Emma Stone

Adorable, if not inventive. Whatever, Emma Stone can do no wrong in my eyes.

Gretchen Mol

I seriously love this one. It’s interesting and elegant.

Heather Morris

This almost makes me mad. Because if I had her body I would adorn it in only the most beautiful of dresses.

Okay, if I had her body, I’d wear this all the damn time.

Jane Krakowski

Oh my God. I have so much hate in my heart for this dress. So. Much. Hate. I don’t understand why anyone would design a dress that looks like this and I sure as hell don’t understand why anyone would wear it.

Probably she’ll be on a best-dressed list tomorrow. I almost always disagree with the fashionistas.

Jane Lynch

She usually wears basically the same dress but I like this one the best.

Jayma Mays

I’m pretty sure Evan Rachel Wood wore this to the Emmys. Still, it’s a hundred times better than the super-weird, body-disfiguring dresses she usually wears.

Jenna Fischer

On the one hand – I love it! I love the color, I love the shape! I would wear this dress!

On the other hand . . . I would wear this dress. In fact, I think I’m going to look for something similar for my cousin-in-law’s wedding. But I’m not a glamorous actress at a major awards show. She should maybe step it up a tad.

Jenna Ushkowitz

This is terrible. This looks like the losing entry in a “Project Runway” challenge to take something from your grandmother’s closet and make it modern.

Jennifer Carpenter

I don’t know who she is, and this looks like you’d wear it to a work party or something.

Then again, this is a “work party” for these folks, isn’t it?

Jessica Chastain

Love the hair. The dress looks like it almost made it to being beautiful but stopped a little short. It needs some neck bling, is what it needs. and maybe something more interesting happening with the straps.

Judy Greer

I kept looking at the name Judy Greer and thinking, that sounds awfully familiar, but isn’t she, like, a pin-up from the ’40s or something? Then I looked at the picture and remembered who she actually is and was excited because I love her and I think she looks great! Although, I am reminded of something my grandmother once said to me. She came to visit and arrived right around the time I was coming home from school. I was maybe fourteen. She looked at my typical school outfit and said, “I’m so glad you don’t flaunt yourself,” which I understood to mean, “You look like crap.” Although possibly she just meant she was glad I wasn’t in a miniskirt and plunging neckline. (My typical outfit in those days was “boyfriend” jeans, a tank top, and either a flannel or one of my stepfather’s button-down shirts. Come on, girls born circa 1981. You know what I’m talking about.)

Anyway, this picture makes me want to say to Judy Greer, “I’m so glad you don’t flaunt,” but I mean it in a totally nice way! While I enjoy sexiness, I also enjoy women who can look beautiful and event-appropriate without particularly pumping out the sex appeal or even showing much skin.

Julianna Marguiles

Now that’s how you do it, Julianna Marguiles!

Julie Bowen

I just love it. I love her a lot already (although she’s been looking super-skinny lately on the show. Like, she’s always pretty slim but lately it’s been verging on stringy. Maybe she’s been sick or extra busy or stressed, but I sincerely hope that’s it and no one is pressuring her to lose weight) and this dress is fun and beautiful and interesting and she looks happy to be wearing it.

On the other hand, celebrities need to stop wearing dresses with interesting backs. It messes up my formatting.

Kaley Cuoco

This is awfully . . . fluffy.

Which is not to say I don’t like it.

Karine Vanasse

I really have no clue who this chick is. I am wondering why she just pulled a dress of the rack at Macy’s and didn’t bother getting it fitted or anything.

Kelly Osbourne

Okay, this dress is much, much better than her last one. But I still don’t understand the hair.

Also I kept mistaking her for Kirstie Alley in the thumbnails. And Kirstie Alley doesn’t even have gray hair. (I mean, she probably does, but . . . oh you know what I mean.)

Kristen Wiig

I would like this dress, except for the stupid choker. And the unfinished-looking waistline.

Lea Michele

Now that’s how you do it, Lea Michele! You look like a sexy glamour-puss without looking like a Joan Collins character. Good job!

Mayim Bialik

Blossom? What are you doing here?

Meryl Streep

I have to say, I kind of like this one. It still carries that vibe of, “Excuse me, I’m Meryl Streep, and I’ll wear whatever the fuck I want to,” but it’s . . . I don’t know, kind of nice. I like the color. I like the draping. I like how she’s waving and smiling in nearly every picture taken of her last evening.

Michelle Williams

I want so badly to like this dress but then it does that weird thing at the bottom and I just can’t.

Naya Rivera

The dress is fine. The vibe she’s throwing off, of being absolutely thrilled to death with herself, is beautiful.

Octavia Spencer

I really like this. I’d like a somewhat lower neckline, but I really like this. It seems I’m having a thing for shades of gray lately.

Regina King

Love it.

Renne Bargh

Don’t know who she is, but Kate, this dress would look great on you.

Rose Byrne

I want to hate it. It’s a jumpsuit, for fuck’s sake. And yet . . . kind of love it.

Sarah Hyland

I love it!

See, this one I would want to own if I had the body for it and a glamorous enough lifestyle to need it. Unlike Jenna Fischer’s dress which I would wear right now to on occasion I actually have.

Shaliene Woodley

This dress reminds me of a story. When I was fifteen, my stepsister and I were going to be in my cousin’s wedding together. My cousin didn’t want to get, like, bridesmaid-y dresses, so we went with her and my stepmom to the mall. This was going to be an excruciating process because my stepsister had a much better body than me and was going to look good in everything while I looked good in nothing.

But then we found these dresses that we both loved, and we both looked good in them. We were so excited!

Did we get those dresses? No. My stepmom felt they were too sophisticated for a fifteen-year-old and a thirteen-year-old. We got different dresses, which neither of us looked particularly good in, although she got to wear the halter-style top and I had to wear the top with the high neck and the puffy sleeves, because when you’re a chubby teenager with wide shoulders, nothing looks better on you then a high neck and puffy sleeves.

(Incidentally, my cousin’s wedding dress is still the prettiest one I’ve ever seen.)

Anyway, the dresses we wanted to wear looked like this chick’s. Of course, this was 1996 and we were just teenagers. Shaliene should step it up.

Sofia Vergara

is looking kind of skinny, no?

Zoe Saldana

This is my dress of the night. She looks awesome.

Gretchen Mol’s is a close second.

Kate?