Grammys 2019

Well, people, this is late and it’s really all your fault. Absent my darling sister, I wanted to include you; I thought we could have a good time together. But I guess not. So here I will be, trying to figure out who at the Grammys I should give a damn about.

Cardi B

 

I have, in fact, heard of this person, and know that she is a BFD! I could not hum for you a lick of her work, nor quote a single lyric, but I know she is important.

As is this ensemble! I’d say we are witnessing a moment here. This dress will be mentioned in the same breath as J.Lo’s bathrobe, as Bjork’s swan, as that time Sharon Stone paired a poofy skirt with a tee shirt from the Gap. And I love it. I think it is the most fabulous and she’s wearing the hell out of it.

Now, she did change by the time she accepted her award for reasons that I’m sure make sense to somebody, and her award-accepting ensemble is also quite nice, but it is not the Moment that her red carpets ensemble is.

 

Lady Gaga

 

I know her, too! I can even sing some of her hit songs! I especially love singing “Bad Romance” in the voice that Zoe used to sing it when she was two! Zoe also enjoys me doing this, which is fun and probably won’t last long.

I cannot sing any part of the song(s?) for which she was actually nominated last night. And I’m not seeing the movie. I don’t sign myself up for entertainment experiences that are going to make me cry. Unless they’re made by Pixar. But anyway, on to the outfit, which is glam but a little boring for her and I don’t love the super dark roots with the super light blonde hair but also she apparently gave a fabulous acceptance speech about mental health so good on her.

 

Janelle Monae

You know, normally I really embrace her weird, but I’m not loving this. I think the problem is that I don’t get it. It’s still well-executed. I think it just doesn’t call to my mind a fantasy that engages me. I think it’s sort of supposed to evoke Grace Jones and the eighties, and that aesthetic is not my preferred aesthetic.

I think I enjoyed her performance ensemble more, although it was less weird.

 

Kacey Musgraves

I get the feeling that if I were paying any attention at all, I would enjoy Kacey Musgraves’s music. But also, I thought I knew who she was, but this is not at all the face I thought she had? Nor the age I thought she was? And the dress looks like it’s going to expose her bosoms any second now. Which might be a more appealing look if it had, say, the coyness of a Gil Elvgren pin-up, but because the waist is placed too low, and the overall color has that sort of dishwasher dinge about it, it just looks like your aunt got drunk and developed a plan to seduce the UPS delivery guy.

 

Chloe x Halle

I don’t know who these two are but they look adorable.

 

Bebe Rexha

I think she is more impressed with this dress than I am. Yes, there is a lot of floof, but otherwise it’s not that creative or different or interesting, which is fine, but she kept posing like this, which makes me think she thinks she’s having a fashion Moment, which she is not.

 

Camila Cabello

I do not really like the arrivals dress, primarily because it is not my thing, although it is a good example of the kind of thing it is and her ass, as she clearly realizes, looks fantastic.

I do really love the performance look.

 

Taylor Swift

Oh, Taylor. This is your “I’m a bad girl now not a good girl like I used to be but a bad girl because all these people have been so mean to me so I am THROUGH being a good girl I’m going to wear a slutty black dress that looks like it’s maybe see-through AND YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING TO STOP ME I dug my own grave mothafuckahs and I killed good girl Taylor and now I’m bad girl Taylor I hope you got the memo” look, isn’t it?

You’re going to be thirty this year, honey. You are too old for teenage rebellion. Calm down.

I mean, you look good, although in some pictures it looks like the person who did your lipstick was really, really trying hard to remember what human lips look like. But also, don’t be a child, okay?

 

Katy Perry

Katy Perry looks like cotton candy as designed by Dr. Seuss, which I’m sure was what she was going for, so good job, Katy Perry.

 

Toni Braxton

Is that seriously what Toni Braxton looks like right now? I mean, yes, the face has clearly had some assistance in continuing to look like that, but seriously? Damn, girl. Continue walking that fine, nearly naked self around town like you don’t have to give a fuck because you look good.

 

Heidi Klum

This is a return to whackadoo form for Heidi, who has been stunningly normal of late. But it is well-executed whackadoo, and she still looks like Heidi Fucking Klum, so that’s a plus.

(Have y’all noticed that when Kate’s not around, I curse a lot more? I’m sure she has.)

 

Anna Kendrick

This is a massive departure for Anna Kendrick and I’m not sure I’m in favor of it, although she wears it well. The dress accomplishes what it sets out to accomplish and her hair and make up and jewelry are understated enough but also in keeping with the overall look. I just don’t really like it.

 

Ella Mai

 

I don’t know who this is and I don’t know if she’s pregnant or what but I really kind of love the dress, how she wore it, and how confident she looks in it.

 

Jennifer Lopez

Is the hat some indication that she’s going to start thinking she’s British, like Madonna did for a little while? I don’t know. I like hats but I don’t know that this hat makes sense with this dress, which does look very nice on her, and her makeup is on point. But I just don’t know.

So that’s it, people. That’s all you get. You wouldn’t help me, so I just went with people I recognized and/or had interesting outfits. For the record, Cardi B was obviously the best-dressed person ever, for the whole season, and possibly for the whole decade. Of the people I covered, I liked Kacey Musgraves’s outfit the least.

SYTYCD Top 8

Erica: I want y’all to know that I’m using my precious the-baby-is-asleep-and-I’m-not time to do this recap instead of reading China Rich Girlfriend, the second in the Crazy Rich Asians trilogy. So I hope someone is reading it. Kate, have we talked Crazy Rich Asians? Have you read it?

Kate: No and no, but the movie looks funny.

Erica: You should read the books; you would love them.

 

Cat Deeley’s Ensemble

Erica: This is such an extreme improvement from last week that I have to assume it’s a different stylist. I am very much charmed by the oversized scalloped edges on the halter neckline.

Kate: Yes she looks great. Love a high pony on a tall blonde.

Erica: So very much dancing tonight. Each couple dances twice, then each dancer does a solo (which we won’t cover unless something exciting happens, which it won’t), then there’s a girls’ routine and a boys’ routine. So that’s cool.

Kate: Ugh, solos.

Erica: Also I still hate Hudge but I like her hair tonight. I can be nice.

Kate: Yes, her hairstyle on this particular episode is the most redeeming thing about her. Ever.

 

Group Routine: Contemporary, choreo by Christopher Scott

“Runaway” by Nathan Lanier

Erica: This was a very high concept piece. The four boys were on platforms in black outfits and stretchy cords attaching them by the shoulders to their platforms. They struggled against these cords until their ladies came on the platforms dressed as pantsless doctors. Eventually all the boys except the straight guy got out and then he was left on stage alone and panicked. It was extremely bizarre.

Kate: The cords distracted me from the dancing at first. I love this version of this song.

Erica: I thought the flailing was a little sloppy at times. But it was a routine that was mostly about the choreography, not the dancing. IMHO.

Kate: And the props.

 

Jensen & Jay Jay: Smooth Jazz, choreo by Sean Cheesman

“I Got You (I Feel Good)” by Jessie J

Erica: She has really good hair. Like, not so much in this costuming (although it’s fine), but in general. That’s not a dance comment but I felt it needed to be said.

Kate: Yes, she does. I do not like this version of this song. Also, there is a difference between “Jazz” and “Smooth Jazz” in dance as well as in music? Odd…

Erica: Am I just being a b!tch? I felt like a lot of the lifts were super-awkward and labored. Because of the tempo of the song, you can’t really use momentum to throw your partner around; you have to look smooth like honey, and they didn’t.

Kate: No you are not you are being correct, they are still severely lacking in connections when it comes to lifts and turns and I do not understand why because they are good everywhere else. She also seemed very unsure and held back throughout this entire routine.

Erica: I did really like the choreography.

 

Genessy & Slavik: Contemporary, choreo by Mandy Moore

“Fall For You” by Leela James

Erica: Ugh they are trying to showmance these two and I am not interested.

Kate: Did she say “He is definitely one of my soulmates?” WTF does that mean?

Erica: I don’t have anything to criticize about their dancing except that I didn’t fall in love with them and I wanted to fall in love with them. The dance was supposed to be about the moment they decide to say “I love you,” so I wanted to have that little sigh, that heart-gasm™ (Sonali Dev), and I didn’t. Maybe because I was already annoyed by the showmance stuff.

Kate: I did like them in this routine better than I have in any other routines so far, but, yea, don’t care about their showmance.

 

Magda & Darius: Hip-Hop, choreo by Phoenix & Pharside

“Killa” by Disto

Erica: Between the weird bulkiness of their wolf-ish costumes, the lighting and the camera angles, I couldn’t really tell whether they’re doing this well or not. I suspect not.

Kate: I really, really hated the costumes; at first I thought it had something to do with The Wizard of Oz and she was the cowardly lion. However, she was actually better at hip-hop than he was, I think.

Erica: Also holy sh*t is Hudge the most useless human. “Wolf! There it is!”, she crowed, as if she somehow managed to have an original thought instead of having her only comment be a joke that would have felt dated when I was a freshman in high school.

 

Hannahlei & Cole: Broadway, choreo by Travis Wall

“Get Happy” by Judy Garland

Erica: Okay. I don’t like him. But they were adorable in this piece. And this piece was adorable. Travis Wall really is kind of a gift to dance.

Kate: I don’t get why everyone loved this so much. This is possibly because I wasn’t paying much attention to it. Oops.

Erica: Go back and pay attention because it was the first routine of this season I’m going to remember. I mean, I already like Broadway, but honestly, this was good.

 

Genessy & Slavik: Jazz, choreo by Ray Leeper

“House Work (Extended Mix)” by Jax Jones ft. Mike Dunn & MNEK

Erica: This is exactly what I do when I clean my house. I felt that they were not nearly in sync enough or sharp enough.

Kate: Yea, they are back to boring me. I don’t think she’s really that good of a dancer.

Erica: I must give tWitch all the props for being actually critical. And Nigel none of the props for pushing the showmance so awkwardly and annoyingly.

Kate: I hate it.

 

Magda & Darius: Contemporary, choreo by Jaci Royal

“Undertow” by Ane Braun

Erica: This is not about the dancers at all. I have many questions about Jaci Royal. Like, why is your name spelled like that when you pronounce it “Jackie”? And, what about “story about a bad relationship using an on-the-nose prop” is NOT a “typical contemporary routine”?

Kate: Oh I kind of loved this.

Erica: The coolest part of this routine was the way they slipped around on the floor. The thing I liked least about this routine was when they got too close on her when she was holding her hands out ahead of her, so that instead of it looking like she was finally free, it looked like she was a zombie with ginormous hands.

Kate: I thought they danced it beautifully!

Erica: No disagreements there. I didn’t like the camera work. Ooh, Nigel dinged the choreographer. That almost never happens. And Mary and tWitch argued with him, and everyone was, like, cohesive and basing their arguments on dance rather than screeching. And Hudge is silent.

Kate: That’s because “cohesive” is not in her vocabulary. Literally.

 

Jensen & Jay Jay: Hip-Hop, choreo by Hef & Randi

“Cookin” by Fat Joe, Remy Ma & French Montana ft. RySoValid

Erica: Have we seen these choreographers before?

Kate: Not that I can recall.

Erica: I was worried that this routine would be too prop-heavy — they were cooks and there was a kitchen counter on stage, and at the beginning they played with pans and stuff — but they left that behind pretty quickly and did what I thought was a pretty cute routine that they performed really well. They weren’t always perfectly in sync but they had good chemistry and performance, and really, overall, I thought they did really well.

Kate: Oh, I freakin’ loved this. They both had the perfect sass for this routine, and they finally didn’t look completely terrified of touching/lifting each other (although the tumbling was a bit bumpy). Loved it!

Erica: Did I miss something? Why did Mary give a shout-out to Aretha Franklin? And then Nigel pitched his next reality show idea: Jensen’s dancing Mormon family.

Kate: Honestly, wouldn’t be surprised if I saw that on Lifetime.

 

Hannahlei & Cole: Cha-Cha, choreo by Sasha Farber & Emma Slater

“Sing It Back” by Moloko

Erica: I hate to say it, but he was really good in this. She was pretty good, too. And the choreography was pretty great. My only complaint is the lighting in the beginning, which was too much. And that it’s forcing me to compliment Cole.

Kate: Her solo was also really great, I think. I am now starting to dislike him as much as you do, though, so get back on that train with me.

Erica: Actually, when they showed that trick that impressed Mary again, I see that it was a little labored. But still. Great dance. I still hate his personality.

 

Group Routine (Girls): Contemporary, choreo by Talia Favia

“Wanderlust” by Empara Mi

Erica: Not in sync. Not enough in sync. It seems to be a running theme this week.

Kate: Oh, not in sync at ALL. But Jensen really stood out from the rest as someone who actually knows what she’s doing.

Erica: This piece had a bit of a performance-arty feel to it that I didn’t love. But the bit where they were all running in place while holding hands was cool.

Kate: Agree.

Erica: And the girls’ results were announced at this point, which honestly makes sense. Jensen was safe. I agree with America on this issue. Magda, who was in danger last week, was once again in the bottom. Genessy was also in the bottom, so Hannahlei was safe. And after tonight, there’s no way she would be sent home, so that’s fine.

 

Group Routine (Boys): Hip-hop, choreo by Luther Brown

“Juice” by Yo Gotti

Erica: So, first, the stuff that’s not on the dancers — this is further evidence to me that Luther Brown does not find the standard boy-girl pairing inspiring. I thought this routine was great. Fun without being cartoony, with terrific costuming and lighting, and a good marriage between music and moves.

Kate: Kind of like a sophisticated version of that Magic Mike “It’s Raining Men” routine. 🙂

Erica: Now the dancing — individually, I thought they were all good. Jay Jay continues to stand out for me, and (ugh) Cole was pretty good, if a little too performative. But, again, not in sync enough, and not sharp enough.

Kate: How can a dancer be “too performative”?

Erica: He was mugging too much. It was distracting. And it frequently feels to me like he doesn’t try to feel the emotions in a piece; he just tried to show them. Not that this piece is a showcase for that. Just something I feel in general.

Kate: Ok.

Erica: And on to the results. Jay Jay was safe because he’s the bestest. Cole was in danger, but after tonight there’s no way they’ll send him home. He had a good night. Slavik was safe, so does that mean Darius is out? I have to say, I wasn’t into Darius much, but his solo tonight, I thought, showed he proved to be here, even if he did insist on wearing velvet pants during it.

Kate: I like him better than Slavik and Cole, though.

Erica: Oh, wow. They went with the voters to clear bottom two, so Cole and Magda are gone. I thought the girls’ could have gone either way but I really thought Cole’s performances tonight would save him.

Kate: Oh darn, I was starting to like Magda. But you hated Cole, so that’s ok, right?

Erica: Yes, that’s ok. See you next week, folks!

 

Misogyny & Aaron Sorkin, “The West Wing,” Episode 1.22, “What Kind of Day Has It Been”

I’m a little blocked so I’m writing this instead. Hope you all enjoy.

Remember that a) I f-ing love this show, and b) that won’t stop me from criticizing it. Here’s what we’re looking for:

1. Physical comedy is used to undercut a female character’s competence.
2. A female character’s sexual appeal or sexual/romantic relationship (or, sometimes, maternal qualities) with a male character is primary.
3. A female character displays “feistiness”. “Feistiness” is a frequent shorthand in liberal misogyny for “See? She’s strong and independent and we find that adorable! What’s the problem?”
4. Femininity or feminine concerns are disparaged, by male or female characters.
5. Any character is rude to his/her female subordinate with no consequences.
6. A male character is lauded and glorified in an unlikely way by a female character or characters.
7. A female character screws up at her job.
8. Anger (or other emotions/behaviors) coming from a female character is unreasonable or mysterious, either to the audience or to another character.
9. A female character plays the Exposition Fairy. Note: Having Exposition Fairies is not in and of itself a problem. It’s necessary in most fiction. But in The West Wing, the Fairy is almost always a female character, and is almost always asking a male character for explanation, and would almost always certainly know the information she’s asking for, so that the fact that she’s asking indicates that she’s not that good at her job.
10. An episode goes by that does not pass the Bechdel test.
11. Lip service is paid to female power or agency or simply the existence of females in this world without, oh, say, actually casting one or giving one something cool to do.
12. A male character or characters act(s) as white knight to a female character or characters.
13. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! – A display of homophobia

And a ! for every piece of evidence that Toby and C.J. are FwB, and a TNFTS for every time the boys are Too Noble For This Shit.

Previously, on the West Wing, I forgot that India and Pakistan WERE NOT actually on the verge of a nuclear war when I woke up after watching that episode; CJ wasn’t properly prepped because Toby doesn’t trust her enough; death threats regarding First Daughter Zoe’s relationship with President’s Body Man (and black guy) Charlie are worrying the president and the Secret Service.

Shit, you guys, it’s this one.

We’re in Rosslyn, VA and Jed is giving a live Town Hall Meeting at the Newseum, which I would very much like to visit some day. He makes a joke about lying politicians, on the way to making a point about apathetic young voters. Hey, there’s something that’s less true now than it was then! Go, Progress!

While he talks, we see Gina, Zoe’s Secret Service person, worrying, and then we’re in the press room and Josh is shouting about something. Then we’re back on stage and Jed wants to know if he can take his jacket off without making anyone think it’s a statement. They can. In the control room, Bonnie asks Sam where Toby is, because he’s got a call, but Sam decides to take it. A beat later, Sam calls to Toby across a balustrade and makes a hand gesture at him. Toby then makes that same gesture to Josh, who is in the atrium below Toby, and Josh turns to make it to Leo, who is a few feet away from him. I have a hard time describing physical spaces so I know I’m not doing well here, but be assured, it’s a cute and well-shot sequence. Leo thought the gesture was the signal for “the other thing” but according to Josh, it is now the signal for “this thing.” Leo confirms that they are “totally out of the woods,” and Josh encourages him to go tell the president. So something good happened, this much we know.

In some other control center/press room thing, CJ distributes something to a bunch of reporters and then smacks Danny up the backside of the head and calls him out of the room. CJ is giving information to Danny before anyone else as a peace offering. “Call your science editor,” she says. “It’s about the space shuttle Columbia.” They should have done a better job of including her in the hand gestures so we knew that this was related to that. It’s a small thing, but I’m giving it an 11 anyway.

Back in the speech, Jed is quoting a poll from Third Millenium saying that a large proportion of people my age believe the soap opera General Hospital will outlast Medicare. Well, that’s possible.

Outside, the guy in charge of the Secret Service people tells Gina that the president isn’t going to work the rope line because there’s a softball game on TV that the president wants to watch. Gina is incredulous about all of the things contained in this statement – that the president will avoid the rope line, that there is softball on TV, that the president watches it – but also seems concerned about the crowd gathered outside the Newseum.

Back inside, Charlie is excited that the president used the information he contributed – presumably that bit about General Hospital. He tells Josh that Josh was right (a thing Josh never needs to be told) – “It doesn’t go away.” Aw, Charlie. You may or may not remember that in the episode in which Charlie was introduced, he gets a little awestruck about standing in the Oval Office, and Josh assures him that that feeling doesn’t go away. Okay, my cold, cynical heart is melting a little.

The speech is over and everyone is cheering. Charlie and Josh go to get the president, while outside, Gina tells someone else that Jed is not working the rope line, and that she’s got “Bookbag,” Zoe’s code name, which is adorable. But Gina is still suspicious of something, and the foreboding music backs her up. Even as Gina walks Zoe out, and Zoe chatters about the speech, Gina’s face and the music aren’t happy. Zoe observes that her father is, after all, working the rope line, because Jed has never met a group of people he doesn’t want to gladhand. Gina and the music don’t like it. Gina says to her headset that she saw something. Zoe remains unfazed, but Gina saw something. And then Zoe notices and Gina spins around just as the foreboding music smashes into the opening credits.

Damn. Look, I don’t love the misogyny, but Sorkin can write a teleplay like no one’s business.

After the break, we’re twelve hours earlier, a storytelling technique I’m quite fond of. We’re in the Sit Room with Admiral Fitzwallace and Leo. Fitzwallace hangs up the phone and tells Leo that a Nighthawk – an F1-17 – didn’t come back to an airbase in Kuwait from a patrol in Iraq. Leo will bring in the president in ten minutes.

In that outdoor hallway that someone told me the name of this week but I still can’t remember, Jed is happily anticipating that if the event tonight is over early enough, he can get back in time to watch the girls’ softball game and then surmising that Charlie is mocking his desire to watch the softball game. Which he is. There’s an extended pedeconference between Charlie and Jed about what men do and cricket and softball and beer. 4 for this whole thing.

Jed finally makes his way to the press room, which they’re using to rehears the town hall. CJ is trying to go over certain stage-manager-type details and Jed mocks her, saying “And when I speak, I should face the audience, right?”, which, 4 and 5, I think. I’m feeling this as a woman and as a former stage manager type. Everyone thinks it’s so stupid to go over basics, then gets flummoxed by the presence of a stool or whatever.

Jed asks Sam why the space shuttle Columbia didn’t land last night, and Sam has no idea. Jed tells Sam to ask Toby. Sam asks why Toby would know, and Jed reveals that Toby’s brother was on the space shuttle, working with red-bellied Japanese newts. “Know what they call them, CJ?” Jed asks. “Astro-newts,” she replies, without a hitch. It’s a very cute moment.

Jed takes the dais, still mocking CJ for her stage managing. Another 5.

In the Toby area, Toby is talking through a bit of prep work or something regarding China with the assistants. Sam comes in and Toby frets about needing an answer on Cuba. Sam says the kids won’t ask about Cuba but Toby says there will be faculty there. Sam reveals that he did not only not know that Toby’s brother was on the Columbia; he didn’t know Toby had a brother. Sam walks through a few questions about the space shuttle’s schedule, and Toby reacts with hostility. Sam promises to find out what’s going on. Toby says “Thank you” in a tone that implies no gratitude whatsoever, and also wants an answer on Cuba.

We cut to the Josh area, where Josh is unhappy to learn that the only meeting Donna could get for him with the VP is one involving jogging. See, Hoynes wants to go pedeconferencing but a little faster. Donna reminds him that he’s supposed to be in town hall prep ten minutes ago. Josh wants to know what happened to his chair. Donna seems reluctant to talk about it but reveals that it’s in the shop because one of the wheels was wobbly. Well, not a shop. Her friend Curtis. 4 for this nonsense.

In the press room, Mandy is heckling the president about health insurance for children, not because she’s being feisty, but because it’s her job. The president repeats a phrase from her question, which Josh tells him not to do. The president gives a better answer and then asks for permission to blame Congress, which Josh and the laughing assembly agree to. Leo comes in. He needs the president in the Sit Room. I guess the ten minutes are up.

The president must have been briefed by Leo on the way in, because the first thing he does in the Sit Room is ask Admiral Fitzwallace if the pilot is alive. Fitz and some other dude say a bunch of words I don’t understand but the president is there to sum up for me – the pilot is probably alive but in the middle of hostile desert, ten miles from anyone, and “anyone” is the enemy. Does Fitz have a rescue scenario? He sure does. A whole bunch more words and letters and numbers spill out that I don’t understand, but that’s okay. Rescue is on its way! Except some other dude – not in uniform; in a suit – thinks they should check with the embassy before sending in a rescue team. Leo thinks this is stupid and tells the suited dude so. The president wants to know the pilot’s name and personal details. He says there’s a bounty on American soldiers in Iraq and that if we have to call this kid’s parents, we’re invading Baghdad. “Get him back,” he orders.

CJ comes in to Leo’s office, where Leo spills out the pilot story the minute she glides in. Can’t ask her to take a seat first? She rolls with it, asking if the pilot is alive. Leo tells CJ and reminds us that he is; he’s just in a desert surrounded by the Iraqi Republican Guard. CJ briefs Leo on what there’s going to be on television about this if the Iraqi Republican Guard have footage of themselves shooting down an F-117 (?). Leo asks if CJ understands what he’s asking her and reminds her of a problem a few months ago with India and Pakistan and them not telling her shit, therefore making it harder to do her job. Only Leo says it like it was her fault. 5. CJ also points this out and Leo non-apologizes.

Josh comes in to ask Leo about the F-117. Josh points out that it’s a stealth fighter and they should probably talk at some point about how the Iraqi Republican Guard took down a stealth fighter. Excuse my stupidity, but stealth fighters can only make themselves invisible to radar and other detecting machines, right? Not to the human eye? Okay, cool. Anyway, Josh tells Leo he and Hoynes are jogging. Leo reminds Josh to tell Hoynes why “it” is” bad for Hoynes, not bad for them. We don’t know what “it” is yet. Josh is not worried, but Leo is, instructing Josh to come see him after the meeting.

In the hall, Toby finds Josh and also worries about why the stealth fighter wasn’t so stealthy. Guys. Could the Iraq Republican Guard not … look up?

Josh splits off and Toby finds Sam in his office. Sam informs Toby that one of the payload bay doors on Toby’s brother’s rocket ship wouldn’t close. Toby greets this news with hostility, and Sam illustrates what he’s learned from his research on Toby’s brother, such as, a) he’s a doctor, b) this is his fourth trip into space, and c) Toby has a brother. Sam reassures Toby that this is all going to be fine, per NASA dude Peter Jobson, and Toby continues to appear not to give a shit, telling Sam they’ve got to move prep to the Roosevelt Room. Sam responds by saying they’re still looking for an answer on Cuba, and on teachers. As Sam leaves the room, Toby asks him to keep in touch with Peter Jobson and keep Toby informed.

Jogging with Hoynes and his Secret Service detail. This appears to be about campaign finance, and they’ve been noticing that Hoynes is playing a lot of racquetball with members of the party opposed to same. Also Josh is noticing he’s not in good enough shape to jog with Hoynes. Then Josh goes on about the president’s numbers rising, and it’s all going fine until he says something about bringing the pilot home alive being worth another ten points. Oof. Josh. That’s not good. He does cap off his little out-of-breath speechifying by saying, “You’ve had some experience battling Jed Bartlet when he’s right, and you’ve had some experience battling Jed Bartlet when he’s popular. Why in the world would you want to trywhen he’s both?”

Hoynes says he wonders, if he listened to Josh two years ago, would he be president right now? Josh says he doesn’t wonder it, he knows that Hoynes would be. Then he staggers off, unable to run with Hoynes anymore.

CJ is at her press briefing with some military brass. She fills the press in on the F-117. Leo watches her handle the briefing with her usual fucking aplomb, Leo, because she’s good at her fucking job. 5. Because I’m pissed.

Misogyny Points Thus Far: 8

In the Roosevelt Room, Mandy is giving some instruction to the president, and the president is using this opportunity to make some more fun of CJ for her stage-management concerns. 5. Then the team devolves into the debate about his jacket that we heard referenced in the cold open.

Zoey comes in and the president is eager to speak to her, although not about the jacket. Zoey is concerned about her father’s medical condition, and he is dismissive, because stupid girls and their stupid girl things. 4. Jed wants Zoey to come tonight, and she doesn’t want to because it’ll be embarrassing, but he insists. Zoey tells him Charlie had something he wanted to say during prep, then confirms that she’ll be there that night.

The president dismisses everyone in the Roosevelt Room, then asks Charlie about Zoey’s thing. Charlie denies all. Sam stops the president to suggest that they have a signal, in case good news about the pilot comes through while the president is on live TV. Sam makes the sign we saw him make to Toby in the cold open. The president mocks him so subtly, Sam misses it. I’m going to go ahead and give this a -5, since a male underling is being mocked.

Josh goes to Leo’s office, where Leo has just gotten off the phone with Hoynes. Josh did well; Hoynes is going to do what they wanted him to do with the FEC guys. But did Josh really say that they’d get a ten-point bump for getting the pilot out alive? Yes, Josh did say that. Boy, would the president have been pissed if he found out about that. Because does Josh not understand that this is srsbsns and not just a political thing. And actually, Leo is pretty pissed, because Leo flew planes. I’m giving this a 7. If Donna or CJ ever screwed up this way, it’d be a catastrophe. In fact, part of this episode revolves around the time CJ “screwed up” because it was her fault somehow that the men she works for don’t trust her to do her job.

Josh apologizes, Leo accepts, and Josh leans in for a hug, which Leo was in no way inviting. It’s pretty funny. (Also, John Spencer must be pretty short, because Bradley Whitford is not a tall man, and he’s, like, towering over Spencer.)

Josh turns to go, but Leo asks him about the signal. Josh shows him, and Leo thinks it looks terrible, like a hip-hop gesture. Racist? Maybe. Anyway, they quibble about the gesture, and I guess there’s some generational thing going on, because Sam and Josh are into the gesture, and Toby, who I think is a little older than them, is pretending not to be, and Leo and Jed are dismissive. I don’t know what that’s about.

Josh apologizes again and Leo thanks him. BTW, if anyone is looking for my life-coaching advice, I’ve heard that “Thank you” is a better response to “I’m sorry” than “That’s okay.” “That’s okay” implies that, well, what the other person did was okay. That you are willing to accept that same behavior in the future. Whereas “Thank you” is a gracious acknowledgement of the apology without allowing the apologizer to believe nothing was wrong in the first place.

In a hallway, Charlie is mad that Zoe told her father that Charlie has something to say. Charlie doesn’t believe it’s his place to take part in policy discussions. Zoe thinks he’s being a chicken. There’s a cute little sitcom-y set-up where Charlie says he works in a building with the smartest people in the world just as Josh, whose office they’re using, comes in and falls to the floor because he tries to sit in a chair that isn’t there.

Sam knocks on Toby’s door. Toby immediately asks what he knows, and Sam says there was a screw-up with the door, and now there’s a problem with the engines. Toby appears to know more than he has let on so far about what the back-up plans are for when a shuttle malfunctions. Sam assures Toby that if it were a big deal, they’d have called the president. Toby reveals that he had been embarrassed when Sam first asked about this, because Toby had forgotten his brother was up there. He’d lost track of the schedule. Sam’s assistant Cathy comes in to tell Toby that Peter Jobson is on the phone for him.

After what would have presumably been a commercial break. Jed is asleep on a couch in the Oval when Charlie comes in to tell him that Admiral Fitzwallace is on his way. Jed takes the opportunity to press Charlie about what Zoe had been saying before. Charlie reluctantly brings up a report that had been sitting on Jed’s desk about youth participation in voting. Mrs. Landingham interrupts to announce Admiral Fitzwallace, so Jed tells Charlie to put the report in his suitcase.

Fitzwallace says they’ll be calling in a minute, and asks if Jed is feeling okay, as Zoe did before. The weird thing is, I don’t remember Jed’s health being relevant this episode. Anyway, Fitzwallace starts talking about the eagle seal on the carpet in the Oval Office. Sometimes the eagle is facing the olive branch, but when Congress declares war, it faces the arrows. How do they do that? Fitzwallace is dying to know. Me, not so much. Jed, neither. Fortunately the call comes through.

The pilot is safe! Hooray! Nothing more than a sprained ankle! Jed promises to get an answer on the carpet in gratitude. He then gets on the phone with the pilot, and asks for his parents’ phone number, because “I never get to make this call.” Aw, Jed.

CJ is reporting the good news to the press and promises to answer more questions when they get out of the town hall over at Arlington. She talks about buses and it strikes me that part of the press secretary’s job is camp counselor for the reporters. I would watch a show about White House reporters and their camp counselor/nemesis press secretary, wouldn’t you?

CJ quibbles with Carol about spelling which I guess counts as the Buechele test passed. -10. That’s good, because I couldn’t figure out if Gina and Zoe’s conversation in the cold open counted. Zoe was talking about her boyfriend (no) and her father (maybe?) and Gina wasn’t really talking to her at all.

Danny bellows at CJ and CJ orders him loudly into her office. Danny is pissed that CJ told him in an earlier press briefing that they were trying diplomatic solutions. CJ points out that she can’t really tell the press about super-secret rescue plans as they are underway. But Danny is pissed that she called on him for the question she knew she was going to lie about. Like, all of them were going to ask the same question, so why did she call on him? I gotta say, this is interesting inside baseball, and also sounds petty as shit to an outsider. Danny shouts that he’s covered the White House for “the New York Times, the Washington Post, Time Magazine, and the Dallas Morning News,” and CJ teases him that it was very hot the way he said that just then, but that she doesn’t know “why you decided to be your most haughty on the Dallas Morning News,” and it’s cute. Carol reminds them that the buses are leaving for Arlington now.

Leo is side-eyeing Jed’s desire to watch women’s softball 4 and even Mrs. Landingham is dismissive 4 although I suspect for her it’s more the “sports” than the “girl sports”. It’s time to go, though, Mrs. Landingham reminds the president. Before getting there, though, Jed has to stop by and talk to Toby, who is worried about his brother and therefore also not getting in the car yet. Jed just spoke to someone about Toby’s brother’s shuttle, and reassures Toby that there’s lots of things to try and it’ll all probably be fine. Toby is worried, though. Because Toby is Toby and I love him. Jed also implies that part of the problem is that Toby and his brother are not on good terms. Toby is appreciative of the president’s comfort and understanding, but he’s still worried. “The shuttle flies itself, Toby,” Jed says. “No, it doesn’t, Mr. President,” Toby replies. Jed agrees. “No, it doesn’t.” I love Toby. The shuttle does not fly itself and it’s not a comfort to pretend it does.

And now we’re at the Newseum and back where we started. We see some of the same stuff. The joke about lying politicians, the jacket, CJ smacking Danny, Toby’s phone call. The signal that means his brother’s home safe. But we see more of Toby’s relieved face.

Then Gina and the other Secret Service dude and the exchange about softball, same as before, only this time we go in close on a kid in the crowd straight out of White Nationalist Central Casting. We see him listen to Gina, then look up at a window in an office building nearby, which is lit up red, and someone’s inside.

Jed is closing his speech by thanking whoever called him a socialist and reminding everyone that his ancestor signed the Declaration of the Independence. I can now no longer hear the opening lines of the Declaration without rapping them in my head and promising to tell Thomas Jefferson to “include women in the sequel – WORK!”

The music is getting ominous. That teenager looks threatening. Someone is locking and loading up in that office building. “Straight to the car,” Gina tells her walkie.

Charlie is still pretending to be mad at Zoe but Zoe sees through him. Jed uses the hand gesture for Toby and Toby laughs and smiles, which is so delightful because it is so rare. More gun stuff, more scary teen. Jed walking out, as viewed from the teenager’s POV and then the guys in the office. Rope line. Gina. Ominousness. Gina spotting the teen. The teen walking away, Gina sees the shooter and shouts “Gun!” Just as the people in the window start shooting.

All is chaos. We see several of our key people being pushed to the ground but it’s hard to tell what’s going on. The screen goes black as we hear Secret Service agents shout, “We’ve got people down. Who’s been hit? Who’se been hit?”

Oh, my God, you guys, who’s been hit? How do we talk about silly things like sexism now?

Well, needs must.

Total Misogyny Points: 11  A respectable episode. And a really, really good one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

hello hello hello

 

Oscars 2017

Kate: I say this with some degree of humiliation, but I think this is the first year since I was, like, in elementary school, that I have not seen ONE of the nominated films.

Erica: It’s like the, oh, what is it, ah…Eighth. The eighth year for me.

Kate: Oh, hang on! I HAVE seen Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (nominated for Costume and Production Design), O.J.: Made in America (nominated for Documentary Feature), Star Trek Beyond (nominated for Makeup & Hairstyling), and The Jungle Book (nominated for Visual Effects). I feel much better now.

Erica: Yup, I’ve seen none of those. I have seen Zootopia. And I’ve seen Rogue One, which also got a Visual Effects nod.

Kate: But, again, are the movies important? No! Only the DRESSES are!

 

Alicia Vikander

Kate: I know everyone was obsessed with her last year and she’s pretty and tiny and all that, but…I don’t get it.

Erica: I think I get it. I don’t know if I like it, but I think I get it.

Kate: This looks like something recycled from a really bad sweet 16 in the 80s. I hate the neckline, the sleeves, the layers, the length, the lace, all of it! And the hair! That’s what my hair looks like RIGHT NOW, and it’s not a good situation!

Erica: The neck and sleeves read Jane Austen to me. Which is cool, especially on a tiny person such as herself, but, you know, black in the Jane Austen era would signal mourning, not glamour. And I think that’s unfortunately how this reads.

Kate: Really, really hate it.

 

Amy Adams

Kate: Disappointed that she didn’t do the red carpet, especially in this number. Va va voom, Amy!

Erica: Oh, I don’t love it.

Kate: I think I’ve said recently that I’m over the sequins, but this looks great. Perfectly tailored to her body, a deep V done right. And I always love soft, voluminous waves like that — kind of like Connie Britton hair!

Erica: I love the hair. And there’s nothing wrong with the dress. It’s just not my favorite.

 

Brie Larson

Kate: Oh my, how dramatic.

Erica: I’m into it.

Kate: Her terrible hair is a bit distracting, but I like the dress. Kind of like a very fancy Jessica Rabbit, but black instead of red. I might not have worn this if I were not actually nominated (that year), though.

Erica: I agree the hair could be a little more on point but the drama of the gown, I really love. Very John Singer Sargent.

 

Charlize Theron

Kate: Wow. Having a very rare moment of I-don’t-think-Charlize-Theron-looks-good, and I don’t know what to do with that.

Erica: Oh, see, I don’t like the dress, and I don’t like the ponytail thing — it looks like they forgot to finish her hair — and I also really hate the earrings – but I still think she looks good.

Kate: The metallic thing just doesn’t work as well on her as it has on others, I hate the ponytail, the thick-strapped deep V-neck doesn’t complement her beautiful figure, it’s just all off. Very jarring.

Erica: It’s all very weird. And yet, I still think she’s beautiful.

Kate: Yes SHE is obviously beautiful but this LOOK is not. Also, those earrings are dangerously heavy on her earlobes. And also obscenely expensive.

 

Chrissy Teigen

Kate: I really like one of John Legend’s songs right now, so I am less annoyed than usual that these two literally pop up EVERYWHERE, but seriously, WHY ARE THEY EVERYWHERE?

Erica: Oh I am 100% okay with them being everywhere because I find them — her in particular — to be delightful. Also I think he’s in La La Land.

Kate: Regardless, this is an OK gown. The attached cape thing feels a bit done to me at this point, and the sequin detail feels a bit Cache to me, but the rest of the dress is fab. I could do without the one piece of hair on the right side, too.

Erica: I don’t like the dress. I just don’t like it. It’s not badly done or incomprehensibly ugly. I just don’t like it.

 

Dakota Johnson

Kate: Oh my god, I could not hate it more if I tried.

Erica: I think I hate it more than I hate the 50 Shades phenomenon. No, wait. Nothing is worse than that. This dress is pretty damn close, though.

Kate: It’s like a decades-old wedding dress that wasn’t stored properly. You know what? It reminds me of Sandra Bullock’s wedding dress in The Proposal. And I liked it on Sandra a lot more.

Erica: Wow, it is better on Sandra Bullock but I still hate it on Sandra Bullock. It is so very awful. Incredibly awful. Like it was trying to be awful. And her makeup and hair look dreadful. Well, her makeup looks dreadful. Her hair is more blah than awful.

Kate: Yea, that is like, what my hair looks like when I want it out of my face at work but I KNOW it doesn’t look good/makes my forehead look enormous. Bleh bleh bleh!!!

Erica: She also claims to not be wearing makeup. Does she think we don’t know what faces normally look like?

 

Emma Roberts

Kate: I always think she looks very pretty, if not a little too tiny, and I love the nod to her aunt with the bright red hair tonight.

Erica: I mean, I love the hair. Love. A lot.

Kate: The gown is lovely and she overall looks very nice, I’m just not like AMAZED by it.

Erica: So it’s black-and-white evening, which is not my favorite. But she told Ryan Seacrest that she was the one who told Julia to wear the black-and-white one she won the Oscar in, so maybe this is, like, a nod? Or maybe Emma Roberts just really loves black-and-white evening dresses? Which, as we’ve established, are not my favorite, although this one has the lace and is very well tailored and all that. I am not particularly prudish about boobs, though — in fact, I am typically a fan of cleavage — and this is pushing it for me.

 

Emma Stone

Kate: I don’t know. It feels a little too theme-y for me. Aren’t we over the whole Great Gatsby thing?

Erica: I mean, the hair and makeup are lovely.

Kate: Yes, very lovely hair and makeup. I’m having an issue with where the fringe starts and ends on this dress — it creates awkward sections of her otherwise beautiful body.

Erica: I see what you’re saying, but it doesn’t bother me as much as I think it should. I think it actually starts low enough that it’s okay. That said, I don’t love the fringe.

Kate: Honestly, she should have swapped her Golden Globes and Oscars dresses, and done something completely else for SAGs. This dress is fine, but her Globes dress was the real stunner of the group.

Erica: Yes. Agreed. That was the Oscars dress.

 

Felicity Jones

Kate: Uh oh. I see some tea length.

Erica: Man. I want so badly to like so many things about this. But I hate tea length. And I hate the thing that is happening around her waist.

Kate: I wish it were floor length and I wish the top were tailored a bit better, and I wish she had jazzed it up a with a little more jewelry on the ears, but looking very soft and simple and elegant is kind of her thing.

Erica: It’s like, a good concept. But not a good dress.

Kate: I do, however, love the shoes, ergo, I understand why she WANTED to do tea length.

 

Ginnifer Goodwin

Kate: Oh, I hate her hair like that. Too plastered to her head, literally.

Erica: Yes. I hate all of this, really.

Kate: The dress is fine, but it feels like something you could buy at Anthropologie and wear to a fancy wedding, not THE OSCARS. You know?

Erica: I don’t think the dress is fine. I hate it.

Kate: I also think a regular old scoop neck would have done just fine instead of a DAMN TURTLENECK.

Erica: BUT she lost her former TV husband the day before. I will give her all the passes.

 

Hailee Steinfeld

Kate: Oh, my. Gorgeous. Beyond.

Erica: Really?! Really?!

Kate: Really! I think it’s an amazing mix of modern and edgy with classic and beautiful. P e r f e c t makeup.

Erica: I would never have expected you to like this. The back. The frou-frou-ness. How see-through it is. I am shocked.

Kate: The see-throughness was a bit surprising at first but it’s done with taste. Best Dressed nominee!

Erica: So it is the sort of thing I usually like but I don’t know if this is my favorite iteration of it. The back is a bit much for me. And I can’t decide how I feel about how see-through it is. On the one hand, very sexy. Without being slutty. On the other, I think I’m getting old or something.

 

Halle Berry

Kate: I mean, why does anyone else even show up if she’s gonna be there? Look at her!

Erica: To see what she looks like, naturally.

Kate: I adore the dress, the one shoulder, the sparkle, the colors, the ribbony elements, wow. And her face? Her skin? Her makeup? It’s just not fair!

Erica: It is a really lovely dress. I feel like her fashion is so often, like, really unique and special, while looking exactly like a red carpet dress should. Both surprising and entirely fitting.

Kate: The only reason I’m not throwing her a Best Dressed nominee is the hair — I like the curls, I like the color(s), but I don’t like the style.

Erica:I like that she did that hair. I think it could be perfected but I applaud the concept.

 

Janelle Monae

Kate: I was able to get into her quirk at the Globes and the SAGs, but this is too much for me. Really don’t like it. Overwhelming in the worst possible way.

Erica: I like it, actually. I wish that the skirt didn’t, like, detach from itself. But I think it mostly accomplishes what it sets out to be and I appreciate that about it. And I really, really, really, really love her hair.

 

Jennifer Aniston

Kate: Another red carpet evader — Jen, I love you, but Meryl Streep you are not. You still must do the red carpet, especially if you are presenting.

Erica: What is she, even, without the red carpet?

Kate: This is quite sexy. It’s very Jen, and I think she always looks great, and she’s famous for that hair, but I wish it were pulled back a little to show off more of the dress. It’s a great neckline, and it deserves some more attention.

Erica: Yeah, this is classic Jen, 100%.

 

Jessica Biel

Kate: I know this is FASHION, but to me it’s mostly a very nice costume from The Lion King on Broadway.

Erica: I can’t say it any better than that. That is 100% accurate.

Kate: I’m sorry but Jessica Biel has an extremely beautiful body, and this dress shows absolutely none of it!

Erica: Has she been in anything lately or is she just there as Mrs. Timberlake? I mean, after watching him perform that opening song, I am behind “showing up to be Mrs. Timberlake”. I’m just wondering.

Kate: She’s just Mrs. Timberlake most recently. Also, her hair SHOULD be slicked back with this neckline/necklace, but it’s too loose on that one side. Do not like!

 

Kate McKinnon

Kate: Well excuuuuuuse me Miss Thing!

Erica: Yeah, she cleans up good.

Kate: I absolutely love it! Great hair, great makeup, GREAT dress. Can never go wrong with black and a little sparkle. Best Dressed nominee!

Erica: I just feel like I’d be annoyed if I were an SNL cast member now. The plumb role — president — is being played by a non-cast celebrity. The next best one — the press secretary — is also going to a non-cast celebrity. Now they talk about Rosie O’Donnell playing Steve Bannon. And then everyone else is played by Kate McKinnon. Fabulously. But still.

Kate: Irrelevant! Dresses!

 

Kirsten Dunst

Kate: Wow wow wow. I love it!

Erica: I don’t know what’s happening with her since she used to like to look bizarre. This is so beautiful.

Kate: Such a flattering shape, especially around the boobs and waist, and it just looks like a beautifully made piece of fashion. I would not have done closed-toe shoes with that length, though.

Erica: The dress is just 100% perfection. It’s sort of a nod to the era of her movie, too, how beautifully constructed it is, and the silhouette. She looks amazing.

Kate: Agree! But also not totally loving the hair swoop thing. Am OK with the necklace. Luuurrrve the dark dramatic makeup on her.

 

Leslie Mann

Kate: She is really giving me some Gone with the Wind vibes here.

Erica: I don’t like it. I hate the color. I hate the bow. Her hair is messy. She is a delightful human, though.

Kate: Yes, the color leaves something to be desired, and her hair is too casual for a) this occasion and b) this dress, but…I really, really like her, and she looks like she’s just having so much fun, so I don’t hate this as much as I probably should/usually would.

 

Meryl Streep

Kate: Meryl throwing me off again with actually DOING the red carpet this time.

Erica: I didn’t see her on the red carpet.

Kate: She was there! I don’t like her hair at all. The sparkly teal pantsuit is very old lady chic, and not in a good way.

Erica: Am I stupid? I’m seeing her in a midnight blue sparkly thing.

Kate: Sometimes it looks blue, sometimes it looks teal, and there are pants AND a skirt somewhere in there. Apparently there was a whole ordeal about this sparkly teal pantsuit because it’s Elie Saab and she was originally supposed to wear Karl Lagerfeld and Karl went on a rant about it, to which Meryl responded in the most Meryl way possible. And now I love it. (But not her hair.)

Erica: I feel like I need to binge-watch her movies but also that will make me very depressed.

 

Michelle Williams

Kate: I’m shocked — this is such a normal, basic choice for Jen, I mean Michelle!

Erica: She’s going to be pissed when she sees Emma Roberts.

Kate: Oh, so true. Except she most likely doesn’t care. This is pretty but it’s really not doing anything else for me. I think the top could be tailored better. Also, it looks like the skirt is just plain old cream-colored in this photo, but on the pre-show it was a bit more sheer and sparkly.

Erica: It’s not great. And she’s usually so fashion-conscious. This is not particularly interesting and it’s not particularly well-made. The top looks really bad.

 

Nicole Kidman

Kate: Ahhh, redemption. It’s a beautiful thing.

Erica: It’s baffling, though. Like, if she knows to wear this, how did she wear M-F-ING PARROTS?

Kate: After the ridiculous ruffles of the Golden Globes dress and the stupid sparkly parrots of the SAGs, this dress is a sight for sore eyes. Even though it’s a little too close to the color of her skin so that it kind of looks like she just has swirly body paint on her.

Erica: Hey, I will give all the points to the woman who shows up on a red carpet with just swirly body paint on her.

Kate: REALLY love the hair and makeup.

 

Octavia Spencer

Kate: Very extremely lovely. Possibly the best I’ve ever seen her.

Erica: She does love her gray, doesn’t she?

Kate: It’s a great color on her. I love the sleek angled bob, very flattering neckline and overall silhouette. Am I the world’s biggest feather fan? No, but it works here.

Erica: Agree with everything except that the feathers are still not working for me. Waist up? Perfect. Waist down? Eh.

 

Priyanka Chopra

 

Kate: It is really, really hard to pull off these super-structured strapless tops. I don’t know if Priyanka is accomplishing that here.

Erica: I feel no uncertainty about it. I hate it.

Kate: And the material looks very quilt-like, so that plus the super-structured top plus the flair on bottom makes it feel more like a Cher concert costume than an Oscars dress.

Erica: I think it feels more like a bad Project Runway design.

 

Salma Hayek

Kate: Well, it’s a vast improvement from the bridesmaid dress from 27 Dresses she wore to the SAGs, but it’s still not great. Quite boring, actually.

Erica: I think it’s fine. Unremarkable.

Kate: And her usually fabulous, voluminous hair is quite…Flat. Meh.

Erica: I don’t like the headband. She’s a grown woman at an awards show, you know?

Kate: I am generally anti-headband.

 

Scarlett Johansson

Kate: Hate the hair, hate the belt, and if the skirt were a little less poofy she would just be dressed for a very nice brunch with her friends in Southern California. Very disappointing.

Erica: The hair is very stupid. I’m less offended by the dress than you are — actually, it would be super cute as a brunch dress — but I hate the hair.

Kate: One does not wear BRUNCH DRESSES to the OSCARS!!! Also, I think she’s not wearing a bra, which should not be the case for someone as well endowed as her.

Erica: She has a great rack when she dresses it properly.

 

Taraji P. Henson

Kate: I feel like this is JUST on the right side of the fine line between “vintage” and “dated”. Either way, a HUGE improvement over her Grammys disaster.

Erica: I have no problem with edging toward dated. I also loved how she made Ryan Seacrest wait for her.

Kate: You know what? It’s actually a little Pretty Woman-esque with that neckline, necklace, and material, in a very good way.

Erica: It’s so glam and perfect I feel like she was just playing with the other awards shows this year, because she was saving up for this. Sadie likes it, too; she keeps reaching for the screen.

Kate: Also really love the short, textured, angled bob.

Erica: Yes. Perfect. All the good things. And I really want to see Hidden Figures. I think listening to her talk about it put it even with La La Land on my wish list.

 

Viola Davis

Kate: Oh yes, I love the red. Love it love it love it.

Erica: The red is perfect. The hair is perfect. The makeup is perfect.

Kate: Gorgeous sleeves, love the shorter hair, FINALLY the softer makeup look I’ve been asking for from her. The only thing I’d have done differently is a bit more bling on the ears to complement the neckline.

Erica: I’m not super into the ear cuff thing. I like the concept but I have yet to see it executed in a way I like. Also, I feel really bad, because I don’t want to see Fences. I understand that it’s a fantastic movie with out-of-this-world performances. I just don’t wanna. Sadie really liked her acceptance speech.

Kate: Alas, our final Best Dressed of the 2017 Red Carpet Season?

Erica: After some consideration, I want Taraji to have it. She looks so good.

Kate: I don’t like hers THAT much. I’d rather give it to Viola, Hailee, or Kate.

Erica: Hmm. Okay, now I’m torn between Hailee, who did something beautiful and interesting, and Viola Davis, who just looked perfect. I will accept either.

Kate: VIOLA IT IS! Worst?

Erica: It’s got to be Dakota Johnson. And NOT because I hate 50 Shades. I actually think she’s quite as charming as a human possibly can be in that dreadful role. But that dress. It is all the things wrong with all the fashion in the universe. I might hate it more than I hated Nicole Kidman’s parrots.

Kate: Could not agree more. Peace out, fellow fashion critiquers!

Grammys 2017

Grammys 2017

Kate: Thanks to my “Today’s Hits” station on Pandora, I may actually know who most of these people are tonight!

Erica: I will probably only recognize Beyoncé.

Kate: Seriously, I’m more excited about the Grammys than the Oscars this year. That NEVER happens.

Erica: Not me. But I am not cool.

Kate: *In the style of Billy Eichner on Billy on the Street* And away…We…GO!

 

Adele

Kate: It’s going to be hard for anyone to convince me that she does not deserve Best Dressed right here right now. Oh my god, so effing fabulous I can’t stand it.

Erica: I am not seeing what you are seeing.  

Kate: We can usually count on her for a sparkly, semi-frumpy black or navy blue gown that we don’t give a hoot about because then she performs and all’s right with the world. THIS, though, is FASHION and now and perfectly tailored to her body and a PERFECT color on her.

Erica: I do think the color is just perfect on her luminous self. And the hair and makeup are unsurprisingly perfect.

Kate: I absolutely love the lighter hair and makeup, and the updo that the lighter hair is in, she even has a little tan going on! OH MY GOD I AM OBSESSED WITH YOU, ADELE!

Erica: Yes. I think you might be. Not that she doesn’t deserve it. I just think this dress doesn’t, particularly.

Kate: But wait, why wear that fabulousness and then change immediately for the first performance? Her performance dress is much more in line with what she usually wears:

 

 

Erica: I don’t like this, either. And her nails are a little insane for my taste. But why do any of them do this? Isn’t the whole getting dressed with hair and makeup a big deal? Why not just skip the red carpet and go straight to performance mode?

Kate: Very long pointy nails are IN. And then you know they all have a third dress for the after-party. Or another performance drew for another performance?

 

 

Kate: Love this one, and the messy bun, but that performance…Wow. In so many ways.

Erica: And then she shared her award with Beyoncé because she is 100% class.

Kate: Angel/goddess on Earth.

 

Beyoncé

Kate: I really did not know what to make of her performance. I know she was being deep and philosophical and maybe political?, but I wasn’t understanding EXACTLY what she was saying. Say what you mean, and mean what you say, B!

Erica: I always assume that I won’t fully get what Beyoncé is talking about. We are of related but separate cultures.

Kate: That said, minus the crazy head and neck gear, her dress is really beautiful. And that’s coming from a longtime Beyoncé hater. I appreciate that she wore it for her performance and stayed in it afterward, and I was wondering why she didn’t do the red carpet, but I guess she’s Beyoncé and she’s pregnant and can get away with pretty much any old thing she feels like.

Erica: Well, and, in order to get her pregnant self all kitted up like an ancient fertility goddess, she had to get there early. Like I said, a red carpet look and a separate performance look is kind of a hassle.

Kate: Well she went for the hassle, because she eventually changed into this delightful little red number and somehow straightened her hair.

 

 

Erica: I mean, how do they do secondary HAIR? I can’t get my hair to look good once a night. I definitely couldn’t be a celebrity.

Kate: I like this dress a lot more, including the necklace. WHO AM I?

 

Carrie Underwood

Kate: Ok so this is super-pageanty and VERY COUNTRY, but that’s Carrie, no? I normally wouldn’t like something like this, but she is really rocking it.

Erica: I just feel like she’s already dressing like she’s 40.

Kate: I don’t think it’s 40, I think it’s country. Her hair and makeup are similar to Adele’s, so I like those things as well. The only thing that’s bothering me is how UNCOMFORTABLE the dress looks — like, I’m itching MY neck just looking at HERS.

Erica: Yes. Also she seemed kind of unhappy tonight. Kind of down. Great makeup.

Kate: I also wish the sleeves were more tapered instead of in that bell style.

 

 

Kate: Her performance dress is, like, pageanty-casual, and I love it. Actually kind of looks comfortable?

Erica: It’s younger, as is the hair. Hey, did Keith Urban not bring his wife tonight? I feel deprived of the crazy.

Kate: Was wondering that myself…

 

Celine Dion

Kate: Oh dear me no.

Erica: No?

Kate: She is too thin and narrow-featured to have her hair pulled back that tight, and that dress? Are we on a fancy St. Patrick’s Day Parade float?

Erica: Well, I never like that kind of hair but I like the color of the dress. Not the whole dress. But the color. The earrings are pretty, too.

Kate: I know what you’re thinking — why am I ok with Adele’s green dress but not Celine’s green dress? Probably because I am overly obsessed with Adele.

Erica: Well. You are. But they are also very different greens. And Adele’s does complement her beautifully. In my opinion, Celine’s green looks fine, but not quite as luminous as Adele’s.

Kate: Now, had she worn her presenting dress on the red carpet, she would have earned my praises. Beautiful.

 

 

Erica: WHY IS THERE A SECOND DRESS JUST FOR PRESENTING?! WHY BOTHER WITH THE RED CARPET DRESS AT ALL?! It’s because this is the Capitol, that’s why. We are all already damned.

 

Chrissy Teigen

Kate: Up close you can tell that there are black feathers attached to the collar of this dress — or maybe they’re earrings? — and there is just too much going on here.

Erica: I do not like it. I like her. I do not like this.

Kate: I also really don’t like that wet curly hair look — what is this, the late 90s? Oh, right, all those trends are back now.

Erica: Which, while I’m not happy about the wet-look curls, I am happy about boot-cut jeans. Hey, do you still have my Docs?

Kate: They are in WO, most likely.

 

Demi Lovato

Kate: I know almost every lady on this carpet is wearing some form of fake hair tonight, I just hate when they make it so OBVIOUS.

Erica: Yeah this looks…cheap.

Kate: That is the EXACT word that popped into my head when I saw this. She’s a very pretty girl, but this is just all too much. She’s too tan, too stuffed into that dress, too MACRAME. Actually really hate it.

Erica: I do not like the macrame. I do not like the look.

Kate: Worst Dressed nominee!

 

Elle King

Erica: Including her because I love that song. I always appreciate that the Grammys is a time to dress very costume-y. This little girl princess costume is an unusual choice but that’s okay with me. The tats mean it’s still rock-and-roll, right?

Kate: I think the dress is actually pretty, I just don’t like the matching flower crown and the pale makeup, and then the tattoos kind of blending in with the dress almost? I get it, I’m just not that into it.

Erica: That is a more positive reaction than I thought you would have.

Kate: I’m complimenting Beyoncé, I know current musicians, I’m really growing as a person.

 

Erika Jayne

Kate: We HAVE to include her because she’s a Real Housewife, right?!

Erica: I’ll go with that logic.

Kate: I kind of love that she’s there. I am really against that half-up-in-a-bun hairstyle — it’s just too EVERYWHERE — and I’m not falling all over myself about the dress, it’s fine, and the shoes don’t match, but I’m just happy that she’s there. Great makeup, as always.

Erica: Yes, the hair is terrible. It’s not even the style, which I don’t love, but fine. It’s poorly executed. And yes, the shoes don’t match. I do actually like the dress, and I love her spirit and her lust for life. I feel like Kyle could become a better person by being friends with her.

Kate: Perhaps, if she stops talking sh!t about every single one of her friends every five seconds.

 

Faith Hill

Kate: Similar to Carrie’s pageanty vibe, but, again, they are both country, and this is what you wear when you’re country. I might have worn both their dresses to the Country Music Awards instead, but, I’m neither of their stylist.

Erica: Yeah, except Faith Hill is the right age for this.

Kate: Actually, this is alarmingly similar to Carrie’s dress — center cutout and middle-of-legs slit and all. It just doesn’t have the sparkle.

Erica: I can’t decide if that’s an improvement or not.

Kate: I kind of like the hair down in loose waves with this style, but with Carrie’s it would definitely get caught on all the sequins. I’m really fixating on that.

 

Gina Rodriguez

Kate: She is not usually someone we include, but I got a special request to!

Kate’s friend Candace (via text): You should site that Gina Rodriguez looks hot hot hot in your blog!

Kate: Well there you have it.

Erica: I am not so delighted with this look. No offense, Candace.

Kate: I think it’s very similar to Chrissy Teigen’s look but better executed, but still not my favorite. Sorry Candace!

Candace: Whatever.

Erica: Yes, better executed. And she looks joyous. But I don’t love the ensemble. Sorry!

 

Heidi Klum

Kate: Another semi-normal choice from Heidi! She MUST be reading these posts!

Erica: We have a power beyond what we expected. Heidi, if you do read this, know that I still sometimes replay that moment in my head where you told the Project Runway contestant that his Barbies were selling like “bagels,” and then Tim Gunn corrected you and said “hot cakes,” and you very seriously repeated “hot cakes.” It was — you are — freakin’ adorable.

Kate: I mean, she’s basically wearing a sparkly t-shirt, and I can basically see her private parts, but this is what she does best — casual but glam California blonde. Love the hair, makeup and jewelry. But how is she going to SIT?

Erica: Oh my gosh, I think she looks adorable. Show off those gams, girl. Sit down and watch your dress become a shirt and don’t care at all because you have the legs of Heidi Klum.

 

Jennifer Lopez

Kate: Typical J.Lo. Has to do ONE weird thing, can’t just leave well enough alone.

Erica: She looks beautiful, though.

Kate: Of course she does, she’s J. Lo! Honestly, the gown is absolutely beautiful and it’s a beautiful color, and OMG her legs, but why the neck thing? Why? Just why?

Erica: Well, because otherwise no one would talk about it.

Kate: Also, her lipstick is the same color as her face, which is not great. Also also, Demi, THIS is how you do not-so-obvious hair extensions.

 

Katharine McPhee

Kate: Very boring, but very nice.

Erica: Hate ombre hair.

Kate: You can barely see the ombre hair in the low pony, though? And I think that damn slit is a bit overdone now.

Erica: Yeah, I’m for some reason more willing to be Heidi Klum’s gynecologist than I am willing to be Katharine McPhee’s. Maybe because Katharine McPhee doesn’t look like she means it.

 

Katy Perry

Kate: Oh Christ.

Erica: I mean she’s whackadoo. Although she usually is whackadoo in a more aesthetically pleasing way.

Kate: I feel like she chose this to purposely look bad, and also insane. It’s ill-fitting, it’s dated, it’s just plain ugly. And the mad scientist hair? No.

Kate’s friend Melissa (via text): Please put in your blog that Katy Perry looks like Lumiere’s love interest in Beauty and the Beast *eye-roll emoji*.

Kate: Honestly, the feather duster looks 100 times better than THIS.

Erica: Seriously. Katy Perry wishes she could be as fire as that feather duster.

Kate: I also did NOT appreciate her dig at Britney during the pre-show by saying she took a break from music for her mental health and hasn’t shaved her head yet. If I have to say one nice thing, I like her makeup, but the Britney dig REALLY got me.

Erica: I was surprised she went there. I was thinking T. Swift was exclusively to blame for their Bad Blood, but I’m rethinking now.

Kate: Oh, and Worst Dressed nominee.

 

Lady Gaga

Kate: YASSSSS.

Erica: One day when our civilization has fallen and future archaeologists are trying to figure out our culture, I hope they come upon an image of Lady Gaga wearing this to the Grammys so that they understand, at least, what the Grammys were all about.

Kate: I was worried we would get Glam Gaga instead of Crazy Gaga, and I am so happy she did this. It’s Cher and Madonna and costumey and crazy-high shoes and just exactly what I want from her. LOVE the high pony with the deep red lip and aviator shades. Love.

Erica: Yes. Well-executed crazy.

Kate: I also love that after all the crap she got about the little bit of extra skin on her belly during the Super Bowl halftime show, she wore another belly-baring outfit and looks effing fab.

Erica: I have to think that the people who gave her that crap have never seen actual human bodies before.

 

Laverne Cox

Kate: It’s like someone was recently looking at a photo of Courtney Love in that crazy black dress with all the slits and thought, “Let me try to re-do this, but better”, and it worked. Fierce.

Erica: I thought she was referencing Elizabeth Hurley’s 1994 safety pin dress. Which, I have just learned, has its own Wikipedia page. As does J. Lo’s 2000 bathrobe dress, to which she herself made sly reference during the telecast.

Kate: Yes, she likes to remind us. I love Laverne’s hair darker, and I love the high pony. Up close and personal the makeup is a little too costume party for me, and I wish she had done a more interesting earring, and I don’t love the length of the dress, so it’s not a Best Dressed nominee for me, but overall digging it.

Erica: Yeah, the length of the dress is the part I don’t like.

 

Lea Michele

Kate: I KNOW Brad Goreski styled her so I really WANT to like this. But I don’t. 😦

Erica: Is that her eye make-up or has she been crying?

Kate: Yes, first of all, what is that face? Second of all, what is that severe hair? Third of all, that awful neck makes her look like she just got neutered. Without it, MAYBE. Maybe. With it? No.

Erica: Seriously, is she okay? Does she need to talk to someone?

 

Mya

Kate: What is Mya doing at the 2017 Grammys? Has she sang anything since Ghetto Superstar?

Erica: She’s one of those people I should know because she’s of my time, but I wasn’t cool, then, either.

Kate: I really hate this red tuxedo thing. It’s ill-fitting on top, too tight on bottom, the bow in the middle is unnecessary, and dye-to-match shoes? Come on. Worst Dressed nominee!

Erica: It is really bad. Like, really bad. It’s a good concept, and it’s executed so very badly.

Kate: Hair and makeup are fine, though.

 

Rihanna

Kate: While Celine Dion thinks she’s on a fancy St. Patrick’s Day Parade float, Rihanna thinks she’s going to a Halloween-themed ball but chose to just wear Halloween colors instead of an actual costume.

Erica: Yeah, I don’t like it. It’s whackadoo without being pretty or making sense or anything.

Kate: She always has to wear a skirt that’s, like, impossible to sit down in.

Erica: I think she has made public statements to this effect.

 

Taraji P. Henson

Kate: Not sure why she’s there — because she’s on a TV show about music? — but really hate the dress. The material looks like it’s pulling across her in the most uncomfortable, too-tight way.

Erica: Yeah, this is very strange. I know this is weird, but I’m thinking about that part in The King and I when Yul Brynner is confused as to why Westerners are cool with exposing all this cleavage, but then create giant bell skirts to hide the very fact that women have legs. This dress is the opposite of that.

Kate: Also really don’t like her hair like that — she looks so much better when she’s tousled and wild and, like, loose.

Erica: She is capable of fierceness. Maybe she’s just, like, experimenting, and she’ll realize soon what looks suit her and go back to them.

 

Tori Kelly

Kate: Hmmmm…The ruffles and the length and the color and the gold jewelry make this a little too, like, St. Patrick’s Day gala. Celine’s on the fancy parade float, Tori’s already at the gala afterward. But underdressed for it.

Erica: I don’t know who this is. But this ensemble is maybe the most 90s of the night.

Kate: You said that last year and I told you she had fun songs, and I don’t see 90s at all here? She looks pretty, I just don’t like the whole vibe of it. Her hair is also too casual. And now that I’ve looked at last year’s post, she wore the same color then too.

Erica: Well, my memory is sieve-like. And the off-shoulder and the criss-crossing ruffles and the hair and make-up are all very ’90s, trust. You were still too young when this would have been it. Because I came of age in the 90s, I like it. I just don’t like it for the Grammys. But I am struggling to figure out where I would like it.

Kate: Alas, Best Dressed must of course go to Adele? With an Honorable Mention to the Gagster?

Erica: Sure. I just don’t feel strongly about anyone.

Kate: And Worst Dressed is without a doubt Katy I-Have-Lost-My-Mind Perry?

Erica: That is more than fine with me.

Kate: And there you have it. Til the Oscars, then!

SAGs 2017

Kate: I have yet to feel the urge to see any of the nominated films, La La Land included. Should we be concerned?

Erica: Oh, I’m dying to see La La Land. I 100% won’t be seeing Manchester by the Sea. I really want to see Hidden Figures. I think I want to see Moonlight, but I don’t actually know anything about it other than that guy I like is in it. Am I missing any important ones?

Kate: None of them are important to me. But I still care about the fashion! Deeply!

Erica: And that’s what we’re here for.

 

Amy Adams

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Kate: Very nice, but COME ON with that necklace. COME ON!

Erica: I stared hard at that necklace, trying to figure out how I felt about it. I came down on the side of no. But I feel like there was missed potential. Or possibly not and it would have looked like a tumor no matter what we did.

Kate: Ignoring that, her hair stinks, but a slinky cleavagey black dress is never a bad thing.

Erica: She’s cute. It’s hard to get away from her being cute.

 

Anna Chlumsky

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Kate: So very much better than her last few disasters, but still not great.

Erica: Oh, come on. On a scale of Anna Chlumsky, this is an A+. This might even be an A++.

Kate: I just feel like Tina Fey has kind of already worn this, and what is going on at the bottom there?

Erica: Even on another human, though, this would be no worse than a B. It fits, it’s event appropriate, it’s a nice, human-looking dress. I’m giving her all the points.

 

Ariel Winter

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Kate: This feels a little Kim K early 2000s to me, and I really don’t like the hair. It’s somehow too casual.

Erica: What about the stupid lipstick? I worry for this child, I genuinely do

Kate: Hate the lipstick.

 

Brie Larson

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Kate: Holy wow really skinniest person ever. Starting to get concerned about that waist.

Erica: She likes a weird neck, doesn’t she?

Kate: Yea, and this asymmetrical neckline also makes her BODY look asymmetrical, which is also jarring, but bodily concerns aside this is absolutely stunning. Perfectly tailored and love the hair and makeup.

Erica: Yeah, I thought at first she was tilting. But it does look good.

 

Bryce Dallas Howard

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Kate: Including her because she was just on WWHL and I found her to be very charming. She is Ron Howard’s daughter and looks a lot like Jessica Chastain.

Erica: Jason <3s her. On E!’s red carpet coverage, there was, like, a chain of ladies he made me actually slow down to watch. She was the first. Then he was annoyed by how vapid she sounded in her interview with Giuliana Rancic.

Kate: She is not vapid, Giuliana is.

Erica: Yes. I know.

Kate: I think the dress is lovely if a little boring/safe, and I love the redhead-wearing-red thing, but it would be a zillion times better with that lovely red hair swishing down around her face and without that necklace that looks like something Mom would buy us and we would exchange the next day.

Erica: You know where to exchange them? I never do. Then Zoe confiscates them. Anyway, I thought Bryce Dallas Howard looked fine but unremarkable.

 

Danielle Brooks

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Kate: This could be really killer but the tailoring looks so completely off.

Erica: Minor tweaks. Minor. A little hemming, a better bra.

Kate: The jeweled hair piece doesn’t work either — it’s just all put together very haphazardly.

Erica: Yeah, it would look so cool if it were on straight.

 

Ellie Kemper

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Kate: Ok so this color is absolutely gorgeous against her skin and hair, and I really love her hair and makeup. But the ACTUAL dress feels VERY dated and it really ages her.

Erica: Oh, I thought she looked very nice. That shade of blue is so lovely on so many women. The dress is a bit dated, though.

Kate: And we’ve got to get her a better strapless bra because whatever she’s wearing looks like it’s pulling the boobs DOWN.

Erica: Boobs are such a difficult engineering problem.

Kate: Apparently she recently gave birth, so now I feel bad saying that.

 

Emily Blunt

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Kate: I really hate this neckline and sleeve style on almost anyone anytime anywhere. But the dress itself is really lovely.

Erica: Yeah, I saw her and I thought, “Oh, she looks lovely!” And then I looked at the dress and wondered why I wasn’t having a problem with it.

Kate: The earrings, her hair and her makeup with the dress are overall very elegant, clean and beautiful.

Erica: Maybe that’s why. Proper accessorizing is key, ladies! Not as key as proper boob management, but key!

 

Emma Stone

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Kate: Meh.

Erica: I disliked it. I thought it was trying to be something that it did not achieve.

Kate: I don’t even have a strong enough bad reaction to this to say much, it’s just plain boring. I get what she was trying to do but bleh. Her Globes dress was wayyyyy better.

Erica: Oh, well, her Globes dress was dreamy.

 

Evan Rachel Wood

attends the 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards at The Shrine Expo Hall on January 29, 2017 in Los Angeles, California.

Kate: She already DID the suit thing, though!

Erica: She said to Giuliana Rancic that she’s doing it all season. It’s, like, a statement or something. (I was mostly fast-forwarding through the interviews, but Jason really likes her on Westworld so he wanted me to stop. He wouldn’t believe that there was just going to be inane nattering about clothing until he heard it for himself.)

Kate: It’s a different color than the one at the Globes but still too similar; I wanted to see something else from her tonight.

Erica: It wasn’t as perfect as her last one. I don’t like the cropped pants or the velvet.

 

Gwendoline Christie

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Kate: I honestly really liked this when I first saw it and remembered how much I liked her Globes gown and was happy to see her go down this better fashion path, and then I saw the pants tucked into the very matching boots.

Erica: I thought she looked great, but also, it’s a sequined jumpsuit.

Kate: It’s just TOO Pirates of the Caribbean for me.

Erica: I heard a bit of her interview, too. I think she said it’s a Vivienne Westwood, and she likes Vivienne Westwood because Vivienne Westwood is a bit of a political radical. I like Vivienne Westwood, too — she’s responsible for my favorite SatC outfit ever — but this is a sequined jumpsuit. Tucked into matching boots.

 

Janelle Monae

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Kate: I think her thing is wearing black and white only, and usually somewhat outrageous black and white. This is actually subdued for her, and lovely.

Erica: I liked the Globes one way better. Like, I loved the Globes one. I thought it was quirk done perfectly. This is not.

Kate: I think the ruffle bracelets and pigtail buns kind of cheapen it, but I suppose she had to add the kookiness somewhere.

Erica: I hate the silhouette a lot. I actually thought the pigtail buns were cute given her whole vibe, but that the poofiness was too weird.

 

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

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Kate: Yyaassss a little pattern action from my girl JLD!

Erica: I knew you would love this. It did look really excellent.

Kate: I absolutely adore the retro hair, too. Flawless as per usual. Ladies, take notes.

 

Julie Bowen

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Kate: This kind of reminds me of Katie Maloney’s wedding dress, but I don’t hate it as much. I don’t hate it at all, but I also don’t enjoy it.

Erica: Have we seen Katie Maloney’s wedding dress? I don’t remember. Never mind that she shouldn’t be getting married at all. Anyway. This is very different for Julie Bowen but not good. Just different.

Kate: Yes, there are pictures on the interwebs.

 

Kate Hudson

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Kate: This is one of those rare moments where I don’t like what Kate Hudson is wearing; I’m usually all over her.

Erica: I don’t like it. But it’s also not my thing. So is it succeeding at being the kind of thing it wants to be? I think it is succeeding moderately.

Kate: First of all, I feel like she has done this same sequin bandeau top dress before in white and in beige, so I’m mad at the lack of creativity. I’m also mad at the overall ugliness of the gown, particularly of that gross flower element. Hate to do it, but Worst Dressed nominee!

 

Kerry Washington

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Kate: Well, I dislike it LESS than I usually dislike her red carpet looks, but I still dislike it. It lacks originality, it’s too much material, and it’s too similar to something Beyoncé wore once.

Erica: Yes. On a scale of Kerry Washington, this is at least a B.

Kate: I do like the retro hair and sleeves, though. Very 70s disco.

 

Maisie Williams

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Kate: Oh I would love this so much without that damn dark purple/red/black Gothic lip. The dress looks darling on her!

Erica: So I had a negative reaction to the lipstick at first, too, but I think she’s going for this ‘20s silent film star thing and once I thought about it in that context, it worked.

Kate: Then regular old red would have been just fine. I really love the dress, and only someone with that little a frame could pull it off. Effing lipstick.

Erica: But you know her. She can’t just look pretty. She has to have a little something extra. A little character. The lipstick — as much as I do not like it — is part of the character.

 

Meryl Streep

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Kate: Sneaky @s$ Meryl, taking us all by surprise and actually DOING the red carpet this time. In a very non-Meryl gown. Or muumuu, actually.

Erica: I know, right?! Nicest muumuu she’s ever worn. Whatever, she’s still Meryl, and so whether or not I like this is still irrelevant. You know, I had TiVo’d the movie Doubt ages ago, in which she plays a nun convinced that the priest at her school/church is doing unspeakable things with one of the students. I finally watched it this week. I forget sometimes that she is a masterful actress. She’s such an institution that I forget that she actually deserves all the accolades she gets.

 

Michelle Williams

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Kate: I know everyone is going to fall all over themselves about this because it’s Michelle Williams and she is FASHION and she is COUTURE, but I am anti.

Erica: I can’t figure out how I feel about this. Partially because I couldn’t tell if it was skirt or pants. But her makeup looked nice, I thought.

Kate: On the preshow she looked very uncomfortable walking down the carpet, so I think those sequin plates were pretty uncomfortable.

 

Natalie Portman

Kate: Oh my god what do we even do with her? Most precious elegant flawless classy chic perfect pregnant person ever. In love with this look.

Erica: She does look glowing. And like she continues to be inspired by the woman she depicted.

Kate: Yes! It honestly looks really comfortable, but what do I know about being comfortable while pregnant or on the red carpet?

Erica: Yeah, I think comfort is a thing of the past for her at the moment no matter what she’s wearing. This is amazing because she looks gorgeous on any scale, no matter how unforgiving, AND she does it while about to give birth.

 

Nicole Kidman

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Kate: Oh dear.

Erica: This made me angry. Like, I was ranting all night.

Kate: She wasn’t satisfied with the absurdity of her Globes dress, she had to do this to us?

Erica: THERE ARE MFING PARROTS ON HER SHOULDERS. MADE OF SEQUINS! Is she 97 years old and living in Boca Raton and going to take her walker aboard the offshore casino? Tell you about that time she threw her panties at Tony Bennett? No? Oh, then there shouldn’t be SEQUINED PARROTS on her shoulders!

Kate: I don’t even feel the need to comment on the dress, it speaks for itself. Worst Dressed nominee, and it would take a lot for someone else to take it from her.

Erica: I have already settled on her.

 

Octavia Spencer

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Kate: Uh oh.

Erica: Yeah?

Kate: I…actually…like…the…peplum. What?!

Erica: Oh. Well, take two aspirin and lie down for a bit. I’m sure you’ll feel like yourself again soon. I still dislike the mesh neck thing, so I’m feeling fine about myself.

Kate: She’s not Best Dressed by far, but she looks very nice.

 

Salma Hayek

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Kate: Remember that scene in 27 Dresses where Katherine Heigl tries on all the ugly bridesmaid dresses she had to wear?

Erica: I was thinking she was some sort of first draft for Disney’s first Hispanic princess. Or a dress for Julie, the 1974 American Girl doll.

Kate: No further comment.

 

Sofia Vergara

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Kate: A strapless tea-length with dainty shoes for Sofia? I’m shocked. (Yes, it’s tea-length, not t-length, which I learned while watching E! Fashion Police after the Globes this year, and Melissa Rivers actually made a great point: These occasions call for black tie or evening wear; tea-length is for TEA. IN THE DAYTIME.)

Erica: Oh, really? When I was co-directing the Vagina Monologues, in which my sister-in-law performed, she and her queer friends kept telling me I had to come with them to this lesbian bar in Andersonville. I thought they were calling it Tease, which is a great name for a lesbian bar. Turns out it was T’s, and it was just a regular bar with pool tables and burgers, that happened to be in a lesbian neighborhood. I was a little disappointed.

Kate: That was quite the little tangent. I don’t love the different-colored top and skirt and the different sequin styles on each, but I am overall pleased with the general change. She looks like she is not, though.

Erica: Really? I sort of hate it. Except for the shoes.

 

Sophia Bush

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Kate: Since day one of One Tree Hill I have thought this woman was one of the most gorgeous people I had ever seen, and always so underrated. This hot pink monstrosity — around her eyes and on her body — does not help that.

Erica: No, it does not. She is really gorgeous; she just doesn’t look it in this.

Kate: I also hate the hair — is it wet? Is it gelled? Is it curly? Is it straight? Hate it all.

Erica: I hate the eyeshadow most of all. NOT AS MUCH AS I HATE THE SEQUINED PARROTS THOUGH.

 

Sophie Turner

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Kate: Absolute fire.

Erica: In an almost literal way, with that color and that hair.

Kate: She is my new favorite young person to watch on the red carpet. I love this on her. Best Dressed nominee!

Erica: She really does look amazing. She is like eleven feet tall.

 

Taraji P. Henson

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Kate: This would be just the right amount of not-what-she-usually-wears without the stupid black bows.

Erica: She’s really very lovely as a human. I do not like this dress.

Kate: Also, way too much boob. The designer should have added a few more sequins around the middle!

Erica: The boobs, the neckline, the mesh, the black bows…It’s all just too weird a shape.

 

Thandie Newton

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Kate: Ok so this would not be a dress I usually like for any occasion, but I really like that it’s such a great nod to her role on Westworld. Like, I’m wondering if the show’s costume designers had a hand in this (pun intended)?

Erica: I love the whimsy. I think she’s just so beautiful.

Kate: I do not, however, love the hair, but it’s barely even noticeable.

Erica: Well, the weird shoulder thing is distracting.

 

Viola Davis

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Kate: This is really lovely but I just wish it were a softer ivory or cream color, that bright white is so hard for anyone to pull off.

Erica: I think she does pull it off. I like bright white on dark-skinned ladies.

Kate: I do, for once, like a necklace with a strapless dress! And it’s this one!

 

Winona Ryder

attends The 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards at The Shrine Auditorium on January 29, 2017 in Los Angeles, California.

Kate: Again, the woman looks like she was just let out of an asylum. Wtf is going on here?

Erica: Jason kept asking me if she was on drugs. I just kept pointing out that we have to watch Stranger Things; it sounds like it is 100% made of Things Jason Likes.

Kate: Drugs seem likely given her facial expressions throughout her castmate’s speech.

Erica: So, Nicole Kidman is the Worst Dressed human ever. This dress will go down in history as a Top Ten Worst Red Carpet Looks Ever in the history of the universe. I will brook no argument.

Kate: Ok. I hope the Fashion Gods (Brad Goreski, mostly) agree.

Erica: I’m thinking Natalie Portman for Best?

Kate: Tie between her and JLD and Sophie Turner? No, we must pick one.

Erica: I feel like Natalie Portman edges them out by being both more interesting and also about to give birth.

Golden Globes 2017

Kate: I feel like it’s extra-special that the Golden Globes are on my birthday this year.

Erica: They did it just for you.

Kate: However, I haven’t seen nor do I have much interest in seeing a LOT of the nominated films. TV shows yes, films no. Who am I turning into?

Erica: America, basically. Look, they’re making really good TV now. And there are more and more ways to watch it, most of which involving your PJs and some good takeout. Meanwhile, they are not making as many really good movies, and sometimes you have to leave your house to see them.

Kate: Alas.

 

Amy Adams

Kate: Love the hair sleekness and how it’s behind her ears/neck, very elegant on her.

Erica: Yes, from the neck up, I like it.

Kate: The dress is a little been-there-done-that, but I like that it’s darker and bolder than her usual choices.

Erica: I do not like the dress. I mean, it’s not the kind of thing I’d like anyway, but I don’t think the execution is fantastic. The neckline is weird and it’s too long. It’s not awful, but I don’t love it.

 

Amy Schumer

Kate: I finally really, really like her red carpet look. This dress is extremely flattering and looks, like, really comfortable, and I love her hair just relaxed and down like that. It ALMOST looks like she didn’t even get it done, which in this case I am OK with.

Erica: I didn’t record the telecast, and for reasons that are not at all clear to me, I’m not seeing pics of her on Getty Images. Or, like, anywhere. I’ve got a bunch of neck-up shots of her on stage with Goldie Hawn.

Kate: Yea, she apparently didn’t do the red carpet, but posted a heck of a lot of pictures on her Instagram, hence the one photo that does not look like the rest. The only thing I don’t like is the illusion material between her cleavage — it seems to be a trend tonight, and I am really not sure why.

Erica: So she’s too good for red carpet now? Yes, I see what you mean. I guess she was trying to eschew the big cleavage display other women were rocking, but I feel like in the battle between too much cleavage and weird illusion thingie, cleavage must win.

Kate: Agreed!

 

Anna Chlumsky

Kate: Worst Dressed nominee. Yuck.

Erica: On a scale of Anna Chlumsky to Anna Chlumsky, this is a solid B. On a scale of normal human to Anna Chlumsky, this is a definite fail. So yes, still in the running for Worst Dressed. But also, pat on the back for picking a good color and a thing that sort of resembles a dress other people might wear?

Kate: Ok, the color is great, but I hate when she parts her hair down the middle and pulls it back like that, the hoop earrings are way too big and, seriously, hoop earrings on the red carpet? The shape is all wrong and the pops of black on the shoulder and feet are too too much. Really hate it.

Erica: Well, with her hair slicked back like that and her ears sticking out, the hoops are…I think they might be a cry for help.

 

Anna Kendrick

Kate: I feel like this dress has been done so many times, and the color does absolutely nothing for her. That and the dark dark makeup against her pale pale skin are terrible, and the boob cups are awkward.

Erica: She also spent all her time on the red carpet looking like a 16-year-old being forced to go to her cousin’s bat mitzvah. On the plus side, I hear Pitch Perfect 3 has started filming!

Kate: Oh, heck yes.

 

Blake Lively

Kate: I think this would be perfect without the pockets. She looks uncomfortable posing with her hands in them, but the rest of the dress is gorgeous.

Erica: I try to have an opinion about Blake Lively and I cannot come up with one. I don’t mean about her ensemble, which is not my taste but pretty glam and I like the matching bracelets, I mean her whole persona. It’s like my mind can’t rest on her long enough to form an opinion. I feel similarly about Jimmy Fallon, actually.

Kate: Is it because she’s so perfect? I just want her hair to be looser. It’s fabulous hair, let it shine!

 

Brie Larson

Kate: Tiniest waist ever!

Erica: Yeah, she is itty-bitty. I think if you tried to kidnap her and hold her in your attic, she could just slip out under the door.

Kate: I absolutely love the dress, particularly on her. I don’t even mind the matchy-lipstick, but I do mind the hair down. In this case, I think it should have been (loosely) swept up away from her face to give that dress neckline all the attention it deserves. Best Dressed nominee?

Erica: I think she looks really beautiful. Even with the hair down. I think she looks like she’s playing dress-up in her glamorous aunt’s closet, but I mean that in a good way.

 

Carrie Underwood

Kate: She is one of the only people in Hollywood (does singing count as “Hollywood”? Should I say “Celebrity World” instead?) who can pull off that color and look stunning, so I give her that.

Erica: Sure. I guess you can give her something.

Kate: I like the elegant straightness of the skirt of the dress, but I think the swirly-ruffly top is too much. Maybe ONE swirl-ruffle around the waist or shoulder would have been fine, but this way it’s too overwhelming. It’s like, interfering with her gorgeous face and hair!

Erica: It looks like someone tried to “modernize” that dress from the last scene of My Fair Lady (Zoe just got the Barbie of this) but then Tim Gunn said “Time’s up!” and they couldn’t finish it. They did not make it work.

Chrissy Teigen

Kate: I. Thought. We. Were. Done. With. The. Peplum.

Erica: Oddly enough, our opinions do not have any influence over actual celebrities.

Kate: But this would be so GLAM if the damn peplum weren’t there! The ruffling at the top makes her look top-heavy, and would make anyone look a little top-heavy, so perhaps she wanted the peplum to balance that out, but BLEH.

Erica: I don’t know, I think there’s a lot wrong with the dress besides the peplum. And the execution of the peplum. It looks like the boudoir of a Victorian courtesan past her prime.

 

Connie Britton

Kate: Didn’t even know she was there until reviewing the photos this morning, but I’m hoping this looked better in action.

Erica: It couldn’t possibly have.

Kate: The hair is of course great, makeup is light and fine, COLOR of the gown is swell, but pattern/cut? Not so much.

Erica: That neckline is stupid and she keeps doing this! She keeps acting like she is not fabulous!

Kate: She is, though, she is!!!

 

Drew Barrymore

Kate: Ian said she looks like the ceiling of the new World Trade Center PATH/subway station, and I think I agree, but I don’t know if that’s inappropriate to say, but I like it a lot. The dress and the station.

Erica: I don’t know what the new subway station looks like, but I could imagine. And I’m so pleased you like it! I like it a lot but I thought you would not! Plus she looks like she’s having a great time in it.

Kate: THIS dark lip I like, and I also like her hair all mussed up and a little darker like that. She looks a little nuts in the photo, but looked great when presenting.

 

Emma Stone

Kate: This type of dress seems to be the theme of the night, no?

Erica: Is the theme of the night “dreamy”?

Kate: I like it. I don’t love it. The hair is meh, the necklace is SO UNNECESSARY, and I can’t help but focus on that ONE star to the left of her belly button. Was that intentional, you think?

Erica: I didn’t agree with you about the necklace until I thought about it and you are correct.

Kate: She also seemed very moody about the whole thing last night, which threw me off, as she is usually quite cheery.

Erica: Huh. Anna Kendrick is usually in a little better mood, too. I wonder if there was something specific they were grumpy about.

Kate: #DonaldTrump?

 

Evan Rachel Wood

Kate: I kind of love this. I know everyone has done the whole women-wearing-tuxes on the red carpet thing a lot over the last few years, but she is ROCKING it. I love her makeup, and even her hair. I would never want MY hair to look like that, but it’s perfect for the overall thing. Great lines.

Erica: I hate the hair color. A lot. But she’s really bringing the whole menswear thing home in all other ways.

 

Gwendoline Christie

Kate: Nicest I’ve ever seen her look.

Erica: I was so amazed when I saw this. I thought she looked so completely amazing. I hope she put this up on the facebook page she has that only friends and family can see, but then tagged all the people she knows from middle school, so that anyone who was friends with them could see, so she could be like, “In your stupid, non-glam faces, you meanies!”

Kate: The paleness of the dress shouldn’t look good against the paleness of her skin and hair, but it all works perfectly together. Love the makeup too.

Erica: Check it out, even this dude is like, “Damn, Gwendoline Christie! You fine!”

Hailee Steinfeld

Kate: This is reminiscent of Mila Kunis’s Oscar dress from a few years ago, but not as good. I think it’s the sleeves.

Erica: She kept posing like she was in a photo shoot instead of a step-and-repeat. That said, I think this look is a great example of how if your hair and makeup are perfect, your dress can be a little…Less so.

Kate: Agree on the perfect hair and makup. I overall feel good feelings toward her, though, because I love that catchy little song of hers.

Erica: Huh, that is a pretty cute song. She has a good voice. I don’t know why that’s surprising to me, given that I’m a Pitch Perfect superfan.

Kate: She’s in Pitch Perfect?!

Erica: Did you not see Pitch Perfect 2? That needs to be corrected. Come over, Zoe and I will watch with you.

Kate: I did but don’t think I paid enough attention, obviously.

 

Heidi Klum

Kate: Finally, she doesn’t look like an absolute NUTTER on the red carpet!

Erica: I mean, again, on a scale of Heidi Klum, it’s a solid A minus. On a scale of regular people I still don’t like it.

Kate: I don’t think it’s all that great, but hey, it’s NOT crazy!

 

Janelle Monae

Erica: This is crazy. In so many wonderful perfect ways.

Kate: Ok so I really like it, it’s like a modern pop art version of a dress that could have been in (the original) Sabrina.

Erica: To me, this is how you do crazy. You execute it perfectly. The silhouette is perfect. Your hair and makeup are perfect. And then you walk around like you are the happiest human in the world to have the opportunity to be this delightful.

Kate: Yea! Not a Best Dressed nominee, but extremely pleasing to look at.

 

Jessica Biel

Kate: Hot damn!

Erica: This is a woman who didn’t bother with any mesh inserts.

Kate: Rightfully so. I absolutely adore this. I love her hair, makeup, and earrings, and top of the dress. The skirt is a bit wacky, but the overall LOOK is WOW.

Erica: I thought this would be too wacky for you. I like it, because it’s not boring.

Kate: Just the skirt. Everything else, wow.

 

Jessica Chastain

Kate: Oh, this is so terrible.

Erica: Yeah? I think it’s all right. Major boobs — another one not bothering with mesh inserts — but all right.

Kate: Hair is OK but a little too severe, makeup is fine, hate the necklace, hate the dress shape, hate the dress color and pattern and everything else. Is it supposed to be like shifted off her shoulders like that, and also suffocating her boobs like that?

Erica: Okay, I do hate the necklace, and I want 95% of people to wear their hair looser. Like, in the world. But I don’t think it’s terrible.

Kate: I do.

 

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Kate: I mean, fab as always.

Erica: The same kind of fab.

Kate: It’s a BIT more interesting than what she usually wears, while still in that black-and-white, form-fitting safe zone, complete with loose waves and nice makeup. JLD stays killin’ it.

Erica: I do love the hair.

 

Kerry Washington

Kate: No.

Erica: I don’t fully understand how you wake up every morning in, like, your PJs and your hair all mussed and no makeup on, and you look like Kerry Washington, and then you decide to f it all up.

Kate: Awful length. Awful color. Awful pattern. Awful sleeves. Awful dark purple lip. ONLY thing I like is her hair.

Erica: Even on a scale of Kerry Washington, this is no better than a D. You know, I once read a romance novel in which the heroine was using makeup and clothes and such to look hideous, because she worked in a bar and didn’t want the kind of attention (read: assault) that could come with being as gorgeous as she was. Maybe Kerry Washington is similarly trying to hide from abusive men.

Kate: No, she thinks this looks good. She looked in the mirror and thought, “Yes”. And therein lies the problem.

Erica: You don’t know. You don’t know her life.

Kate: Someone told her it looks good, and that someone should be fired.

 

Kristen Bell

Kate: I continue to think she is extremely perfect looking.

Erica: She is. I don’t love this look. I feel like maybe she looked over at Evan Rachel Wood and went, “Dammit! That’s what I should have done!”

Kate: No, she would look terrible in that. I love how she always rocks the short blond hairdos, her makeup is always natural-ish yet stunning, and she pulls off the deep V-necks very well. This cut might be way too boxy on someone else, but on her it works great.

Erica: Meh. Not in love.

Kate: I will say that I thought it was a pants thing when I first saw it, and I may have liked it better as pants, but it’s still great.

 

Kristen Wiig

Kate: So you know what? I actually like her hair shorter like this. And her makeup looks great.

Erica: I thought for sure she was someone else when I saw her. Just like I thought Annette Bening was Elizabeth Warren for a second and then started dreaming about the movie of Elizabeth Warren.

Kate: I don’t hate the dress, but I think it could be better with just a few more alterations. Like chopping off those sleeves. I am anti-sleeve, I think.

Kate’s Work Friend Michael: It looks like a tea doily.

Erica: I would go with a lower neck.

Kate: But with no sleeves and her slender frame and shorter hair the higher neck may work, no?

 

Kristin Cavallari

Kate: Super not sure why she is there, but she looks damn good. Similar to Amy Schumer’s dress, though, I don’t like the illusion material between the boobies. If you’re letting them out, let them OUT for goodness sake!

Erica: Pretending I don’t know who she is.

Kate: On second thought, it kind of looks like the boobies are too big for the dress, like the material is barely holding her up and in.

Erica: She looks like Red Carpet Barbie.

 

Louise Roe

Erica: This is extra, this-site-only content. Kate didn’t want to include her because she’s a fashion TV reporter type person who maybe used to be on an MTV reality show. Had I known that before falling in love with her dress, I might have excluded her, too. But I really f-ing love this dress.

 

Maisie Williams

Kate: Wait, I love this dress. It’s so elegant and simple, unlike her usual quirky choices. Though I suppose the quirkiness is in the hair there.

Erica: I think it’s just the right amount of elegance, and then the quirk from the hair and accessories. Good job, Maisie.

 

Mandy Moore

Kate: Effing fantastic. I thought “Best Dressed nominee!” the very SECOND I laid eyes on her.

Erica: I think she looks extremely skinny but very lovely. I love the cape.

Kate: The soft waves tucked behind the ears, the earrings, the natural-ish makeup, the cut of the dress, I even like the cape, and I feel like I have been kind of anti-cape. I did, however, think this dress was black on the red carpet, but now it looks navy blue, but it honestly doesn’t matter. So so fab.

Erica: I think I’d like it a lot less if it were black.

 

Meryl Streep

Kate: It’s a perfectly Meryl dress, but I kind of wish she hadn’t rocked the glasses this time. I know she doesn’t give one F, but yea.

Erica: One thing we can say about Meryl is, no one is talking about her dress this morning.

Kate: That’s like, her theme in life. I also love/hate how she NEVER does the red carpet and I ALWAYS have to DIG through the interwebs for anything resembling a full-length dress photo. Damn you, Meryl!

 

Michelle Williams

Kate: I get why the black bow necklace is there, but I think I’d like the dress better without it. She overall looks lovely, though. Understated.

Erica: No I think it’s key. I’d like a very slightly redder lip. Like, not full-on red, but a lovely, pouty tint.

 

Natalie Portman

Kate: I did not know she was pregnant until I saw her in this dress, and I knew right away because why would anyone wear this type of dress if they WEREN’T pregnant?

Erica: Well, perhaps if one had recently starred in a Jackie O biopic.

Kate: I think it looks lovely if not a bit boring, but I LOVE that her hair and makeup are very retro, like she’s still in character for Jackie kinda. She’s so damn gorgeous.

Erica: Yeah. I guess she loved the role a lot.

 

Nicole Kidman

Kate: Ugh, this makes me so upset.

Erica: Has she been in anything lately? Because I recall she used to be pretty good.

Kate: Looks like she was in that nominated movie Lion, and is now doing that Big Little Lies thing on HBO. It would honestly be perfectly nice enough without those sleeve THINGS. And if she hadn’t just done something completely terrible (and artificial) to her face. She looks a hot damn mess.

Erica: I feel sorry for actresses of a certain age with regard to their faces. It’s a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t situation. I will not extend my sympathy to those sleeves, however. Or the fact of the sleeves + sequins + feathers. Pick one. And don’t pick the sleeves.

 

Priyanka Chopra

Kate: I was v impressed with her throughout last year’s award show season, but am not so thrilled with this. The color is great on her and the dress is nice, but she doesn’t need the necklace, and I am fairly against the super-dark lip.

Erica: The dark lip is fine except that it, as well as the rest of the look, is a little boring.

Kate: If anyone COULD pull off the super-dark lip, it’d be her, I just don’t love it.

Erica: Also, hello, boobs. Lot of boobs this year. There’s a joke somewhere to be made about Golden Globes, but I’m too much of a lady to make it.

 

Reese Witherspoon

Kate: Omg wow, fab fab fab. Best dressed nominee.

Erica: Yeah? I think, boring. Gorgeous, but boring.

Kate: I mean yes this is kind of what she always wears, but wow. So fab. I don’t even mind the dress-same-color-as-hair thing here. Wow!

 

Sarah Jessica Parker

Kate: I could not hate this Little-House-On-The-Prairie hairdo more if I tried. And I don’t want to try.

Erica: I don’t hate the theory of the hair, as I know you do. But the execution is bad.

Kate: I also hate how wrinkly this dress material is, and I feel like has been making that mistake a lot lately on the red carpet. Does she just not REALLY care anymore, do you think?

Erica: I think she cares more about being unusual than she does about proper execution.

Kate: As a self-proclaimed fashionista, I feel that she should absolutely care about proper execution.

 

Sienna Miller

Kate: This reminds me so much like one of the Nicole Miller bridal gowns I almost wanted to buy, and I think that’s the only reason I’m including it here. The pearl necklace and the black bow in her hair (can’t see it here but could see it clearly when she presented an award) make her look like a deranged school girl.

Erica: The pearl necklace looks fake and everything you tried on in Nicole Miller looked better than this. And I made you try on a lot of things. I really liked that ‘20s-ish number. Not for a wedding, just for a dress.

 

Sofia Vergara

Kate: So, now we know why she should stick to mermaid bottoms and loose flowy waves. This looks insane.

Erica: Well, whenever she veers away from the tried and true, she gets very ‘80s. I suppose even her tried-and-true is a little ‘80s, but not in a bad way.

Kate: The earrings are way too much with the dress beading, and the shoulder openings/neckline are just confusing. Honestly, I think she didn’t wear her hair down in loose flowy waves because she was worried about it getting snagged on that intense beading.

Erica: Legit worry.

 

Sophie Turner

Kate: Um, wow.

Erica: For real.

Kate: I wouldn’t normally like this actual dress, but the overall THING with her hair and makeup and general bad-ass-don’t-F-with-me ‘tude, I kind of love it.

Erica: Yes, the dress as an object, I do not like. But on her, with her height and accessories and attitude? C’est magnifique! I hope for so many good things for you in 2017, Sansa!

 

Thandie Newton

Kate: The flamy sparkly bottom kind of throws me off, but without it it’d be a boring white dress.

Erica: The dress as a whole object makes no sense to me.

Kate: I really like her hair, makeup, and that necklace thing, though. A lot.

Erica: The necklace thing is really cool. Really, really cool. Also, I like her name and I think she’s in my top 10 prettiest people.

 

Viola Davis

Kate: Quite similar to Maisie Williams, no?

Erica: No. They’re just both yellow.

Kate: This shade of yellow is great on her but the sequin-ness of it kind of messes it up. I also still need her to find a new makeup artist, I don’t think whoever it is does a great job of highlighting her best features.

Erica: I think she’s, like, way more invested in her art, you know? I think she just wears what is appropriate to wear on a red carpet but isn’t super invested in it.

Kate: Blue eyeshadow is never appropriate to wear on a red carpet.

 

Winona Ryder

Kate: Quite terrible.

Erica: Oh, I don’t know. I’d say it’s fairly run-of-the-mill.

Kate: She looks scary and weird and like if you talked to her she’d freak you right the heck out, like a subway creature. Same wrinkly material problem as SJP.

Erica: No, no, she looks like she’d freak out. She looks terrified in every picture of her. Honey, I know it’s been a while, but the red carpet will not eat you.

 

Final Decision

Erica: So my Best Dressed is either Janelle Monae or Gwendoline Christie. Or Drew Barrymore. So many ladies brought it this year.

Kate: Oh no, we must go with Mandy Moore.

Erica: We must? Well, alright. I did like it. But I liked so many people!

Kate: It’s a good problem to have.

Erica: So many ladies brought the crazy, too, but most of them were not on our list of people we know/write about. I kind of want to give Worst Dressed to Carrie Underwood. But I might be carrying some sort of anti-Carrie Underwood thing around because I only just a few weeks ago heard her Monday Night Football intro song thing and I was horrified. Like, viscerally horrified.

Kate: No way, she is not Worst Dressed by far! What about SJP?

Erica: Yeah, that’s pretty bad, too. Sofia Vergara was bad, but, like, expected bad. And I don’t want to give it to Anna Chlumsky because she looked better than she usually does at these things, but on the other hand, should we really grade on a curve? And do I actually hate her look more than I hate SJP’s? I might. Oh, and there’s also Nicole Kidman to consider.

Kate: Oh, ok, Nicole then. Definitely Nicole.

Erica: I feel good about this decision.

Emmys 2016

Kate: Life has seriously gotten in the way for both of us recently, eh? We didn’t even know the Emmys were coming up until a few days ago!

Erica: I just had a baby. I like this as an excuse for my usual state of obliviousness. And I’m telling you, this sleep deprivation that comes with a new baby is really messing with my head, because I could have sworn I saw Jeb Bush do a bit in the opening sketch for this thing. But that had to be some sort of fever dream, right?

Kate: Yea that didn’t happen…Well, new babies and traveling for work (my excuse) aside, here’s what we REALLY care about (JK, we care about Sadie and work too, but this is more fun at the moment):

America Ferrera

Kate: Ok so she looks great from the neck up — love the makeup and the hair, albeit a little casual — and at first I was like, ‘Oh that dress is nice’, but then I was like, ‘What’s going on around the waist?’, and then I was like ‘Wait…ARE THOSE PANTS?’ Is this a sequined jumpsuit? Or is the dress just…splitting weird between the legs?

Erica: I actually thought the makeup was a little blah. And yeah, that appears to be a sparkly jumpsuit. Which doesn’t even offend me on a visceral level any more. I don’t know why not.

Kate: Either way, I also don’t love the color of her earrings with the color of the I-can’t-tell-if-it’s-a-dress-or-a-jumpsuit. So this is now all confusing and upsetting me.

Erica: For what it’s worth, Jason thinks she’s gotten more attractive.

 

Amy Poehler

Kate: Oh dear, none of this works. None whatsoever.

Erica: Is she pregnant? Not that it would make it okay, but it would explain it a little.

Kate: That green is all wrong with that hair, which, why is it that color right now?

Erica: Oh, I like the hair color.

Kate: You know how much it pains me to say anything bad about Amy, though, so let’s keep moving.

 

Amy Schumer

Kate: Mmmmmph this is too similar to what she wore last year (minus that INSANE hair), and WAY too similar to what her sister is wearing. I’m sure they did that on purpose, but it doesn’t really work. Neither of them could slap on a pair of earrings for cryin’ out loud?

Erica: I feel like, if you want to dress similarly like that, the dresses should be a little more stand-out, so it looks like you did it on purpose, instead of just you both chose black gowns. And yes, the look requires some nice jewelry, a strong lip, and a better bra.

Kate: I don’t even feel bad about us saying any of this because I just read her book and she is most perfectly fine with herself and doesn’t give one F what I think, nor should she, and I have a lot of respect for that.

Erica: I have to say, regarding my opinion of her character, the Kurt Metzger thing is throwing me.

Kate: No no no, that’s not fun, fashion is fun. Fun things only here!

 

Angela Bassett

Erica: First, she looks fabulous. Second, I love the dress — flowy, sexy but not trashy, age-appropriate in a way that makes you WISH you were “of a certain age”. Third, only dark-skinned ladies can wear that color.

Kate: Yes, that color does look a lot great against darker skin, but you’ll see later on how a white woman (almost) pulls it off…

 

Anna Chlumsky

Kate: Oh good god.

Erica: So…is she…pregnant? Sorry, I know that I’ve already asked that. I just don’t understand this. I don’t know how one could be sane and choosing this as a garment.

Kate: Are you implying that being pregnant equates to not being sane? 🙂 JK. She was pregnant a while ago, she might be again, but even so, there is absolutely nothing right about this — color, silhouette, length(s), material, oh it’s all just so bad. Worst Dressed nominee already!

Erica: Having just been pregnant, yes, that’s what I’m saying. One thing, though — she does have fab legs.

Kate: There are better ways to show them off.

 

Ariel Winter

Kate: While this is a beautiful piece of couture, it really does not work on her. It makes her look very boxy and masculine on top and hides her wonderful curves on bottom. I don’t even think it would look that good on a more slender girl…

Erica: I disagree that it is a beautiful piece of couture. I hate all of it.

Kate: Well, you hate side cutouts — I just mean it’s very FASHION and NOW and FASHION, but that doesn’t mean it should be worn on this particular person at this particular event.

 

Claire Danes

Kate: Oh dear god, we have had some kind of TRAGIC accident with the spray tan machine. We need to hose her off!

Erica: I feel, like, physically uncomfortable looking at that. Like, my own skin feels all itchy and tight right now.

Kate: This is awful, I can’t look at anything else! Why is she so shiny and orange!! (It looked so much worse on the pre-show.)

Erica: I’m looking at it on E! It’s bad.

Kate: Fine, I’ll look at something else. Hair is quite boring, but that’s normal for her, dress is actually fab, and probably wouldn’t work if she were paler, but maybe if she were just a NORMAL shade of tan instead of that? OY!

Erica: Yeah, I like the dress. Way more than I usually like her dresses. But the skin is unfortunate.

 

Connie Britton

Kate: Connie! I don’t like it.

Erica: Tami Taylor would NEVER.

Kate: The shoulder area takes away from that trademark hair, as does the color. Wah!

Erica: It’s so incredibly boxy. It’s like she’s actively trying to look less attractive.

 

Ellie Kemper

Kate: Ohhh darn it, Ellie! I love you so much, and I love your makeup here, but that hairstyle and that dress age you DRASTICALLY.

Erica: Zoe feels the dress is like a picnic ball gown. I don’t hate it. I don’t like it. But. Her hair and makeup are too on-point for me to hate on her.

Kate: The dress looks like it’s made from someone’s living room curtains (or couch…or chair…) from the 70s. Truly awful. (But not nearly as awful as Anna Chlumsky, she’s still winning Worst Dressed so far.) I agree with you on makeup, but not on hair.

 

Emilia Clarke

Kate: Is she the most tiny ever?

Erica: She is much tinier than I thought.

Kate: I am not sure what’s going on with her facial expression, but her dress is a little too 90s for me. Reminds me of Carrie Bradshaw’s naked dress, but longer.

Erica: I like it except that it’s a little too shiny.

Kate: It’s also way too bare with that color and that neckline and no jewelry — why not a more powerful earring or subtle yet sparkly necklace?

Erica: I agree on the necklace. That would have looked nice.

 

Emmy Rossum

Kate: Couldn’t tell you what she’s doing at the Emmys, I just think she’s gosh darn gorgeous.

Erica: She’s in that series “Shameless”.

Kate: The dress itself is boring but beautiful, and I really love her hair and makeup. I had no reason to include her in this post other than I think she is stunning.

Erica: She is ridiculously pretty. And she wears white so well.

 

Felicity Huffman

Kate: I never include her in these posts, but I really REALLY like her whole look this time. The dress is very elegant and appropriate, the hair and jewelry match perfectly.

Erica: The hair, I thought, was especially attractive. And the dress is pretty glam.

 

Heidi Klum

Kate: I mean, she’s been wearing some INSANE things on the red carpet for, like, the last couple of years, and while this is less than ideal, it’s a vast improvement over that Big Bird thing and the lavender monstrosity and the straight-up Halloween costume she wore to New York Fashion Week this year.

Erica: Yes. This is like a normal person dress. Not a crazy person dress. I mean, it’s not my thing but it’s fine.

Kate: I wouldn’t go as far as “normal”, just normaler. Plus, it shows off her insane abs.

Erica: I like that she acknowledges how hard she works for that body.

 

Jane Krakowski

Kate: This looks very kimono to me, no?

Erica: Yes. I like the color but not so much the dress.

Kate: The slit is a little high, but I L-O-V-E those SHOES! I feel like she bought the shoes first, and then was like, ‘I need a fun little blue number to wear with them’.

Erica: If that was the case, she could have done better.

Kate: I also prefer her hair with a little more texture to it, but that is possibly because I am currently watching 30 Rock and she always wore it curly on there.

 

Joanne Froggatt

Kate: Wow, I really love her red carpet looks. I wonder if Brad Goreski still styles her?

Erica: She looks gorgeous but didn’t she wear something very similar before?

Kate: Possibly? She just embodies one of my favorite things: Effortlessly gorgeous. Soft, beautifully wavy hair (which looks, like, ATTAINABLE, you know?), perfectly subtle makeup, slinky blank strapless dress with a little lace element at the top. Safe, but love it.

Erica: Attainable for some people.

Kate: Yea, not really me, it just doesn’t look over-the-top styled. I may have done a clutch in something other than black, but that doesn’t make or break the ensemble. Also, CONFIRMED, styled by Brad again 🙂

 

Julia Louis Dreyfus

Kate: Yup. Killed it.

Erica: As we have come to expect.

Kate: I love when Julia throws a little change-up at me, like a looser skirt and sexier hair. She can do no wrong!

Erica: I’m super into the hair. It looks really sexy. Really young and fun.

Kate: Oh my god, and then she won for Veep AGAIN and gave that adorable shaky sad speech about her dad and then they cut to Jerry looking so lovingly at her and I JUST. CAN. NOT.

Erica: I feel like you identify more with her than is fully reasonable. But that’s cool.

 

Julie Bowen

Kate: A fairly standard Julie Bowen choice. I like the ruffle in the back because without it it’d be too boring for words, but I don’t like the metallic shoulder things. Tacky.

Erica: It’s so normal and not insane so I’m in favor of it.

Kate: I do like the short and very styled bob, which seems to be happening a lot here tonight, and the makeup.

Erica: Yeah, I’m into the hair. Very cool looking.

 

Kate McKinnon

Kate: Wowwww I kind of love it?

Erica: I like it. I do not love it.

Kate: It’s not too much and it’s not too little, I even like the very loose and casual hair. I feel like I’m really GROWING as a person by liking more casual hair on the red carpet, you know?

Erica: Good for you.

 

Kerry Washington

Kate: I am normally against Kerry Washington’s red carpet selections, but this is really quite lovely. I couldn’t tell at first if the dress had a cutout around her very pregnant belly or a tan stripe in the material, which I think means it is perfectly tailored to her body and very well made. (Note: It looked better in the pre-show video than in this photo. Trust me.)

Erica: I do think this is a pretty fab way to show off a pregnant belly. I’m just confused. Wasn’t she visibly pregnant back in February?

Kate: No, must have been several Februaries ago. I even like the cape-esque quality in the back. The only thing I don’t like is the hair, as it overwhelms her tiny self. A low sleek pony or bun would have made this one of the most perfectly elegant looks of the night, perhaps even a Best Dressed nominee.

Erica: I actually kind of like the hair. It makes the whole thing a “look”.

 

Kirsten Dunst

Kate: Ehhhh…Hasn’t she worn this before?

Erica: I liked it until I saw the bottom.

Kate: Honestly, I feel like ever since she started doing red carpet again she has only worn versions of this, and this is not all that great.

Erica: I think she is not at all invested in the red carpet stuff.

Kate: Fair.

 

Kristen Bell

Kate: Ok so, I really love this. I have always thought that she’s exceptionally gorgeous with exceptionally perfect teeth, and therefore an exceptionally perfect smile, so to me she always looks flawless from the neck up.

Erica: Her hair looks particularly nice tonight. I love her in general. And now she’s in a new show so that’s exciting.

Kate: From the neck down? Fabulous! I’m sure a lot of people won’t like the intricate pattern WITH the sparkle, and normally I wouldn’t, but I find it to be just lovely. The width of the skirt makes me feel like it’s more of an Oscars dress than Emmys, but when does Kristen Bell go to the Oscars, so why not, right?

Erica: I am surprised you like. It’s not normally your thing. But it is normally my thing and I do, in fact, love it.  

Kate: I KNOW! See? Growing as a person. Oh hell, BEST DRESSED NOMINEE!

 

Laverne Cox

Kate: Ohhhhh yes. Love the hair.

Erica: She looks really good. So often she edges a touch pageant-y, and this falls on the right side of it this time.

Kate: I hate describing it this way, but the hair is very Kardashian, but that’s the ONLY thing I even REMOTELY like about the Kardashians, so I feel like it’s semi-okay to say.

Erica: I know so little of the Kardashians but I do feel they are generally attractively turned out.

Kate: As for the dress, it is V sexy and tailored absolutely perfectly to her body. The hair color and the skintone and the dress color are all a little too similar for me to make her a Best Dressed nominee, but overall I love the entire look.

 

Maisie Williams

Kate: I really and truly do not like her hair. I feel like it’s just not her, it’s a wig or a trick or something, it’s not genuine Maisie.

Erica: Well, I think the hair sort of goes with the quirkiness of the outfit. Some sort of deliberately ‘60s-esque thing.

Kate: However, if I take the hair away, and focus on the dress, it’s not my favorite, but it is genuinely Maisie in its quirkiness and cuteness, so fine. Not my favorite, but fine. Minus the hair.

Erica: I think the look is complete, you know? It’s bold and she clearly enjoys going a little nutty on the red carpet. Given her costuming on the show, I can’t blame her.

 

Mandy Moore

Kate: What is that FACE Mandy Moore?!

Erica: Her hair looks weird.

Kate: I like the hair and makeup fine, even if the blush is a little much, and I WANT to like the dress, but I just don’t know. Maybe I’d like it more if it weren’t sheer at the bottom? But then would it be too MUCH, the ruffles reminding us of a “Southern Belle” Halloween costume? I just don’t know.

Erica: No, I think the hair is what’s making her face look weird. Great makeup, though. Perfect lip color.

 

Michelle Dockery

Kate: Speaking of Southern Belles, Michelle here is giving me modern-day Scarlett O’Hara — like she literally took one of the movie’s dresses and cut it up, in a good way — and I absolutely LOVE IT. Best Dressed nominee!

Erica: Really? I like it but it’s so not your usual thing.

Kate: On second thought, the black-and-white and the ruffles and the length make it a wee bit too…DAYTIME, but I still really like it!

Erica: Wow. Cool.

Kate: And THIS is how you do a dark red lip, Hollywood/media/world.

 

Minnie Driver

Kate: I only saw this from the waist up at first, and I really liked it. I was like, ‘The color is a little 2-3 years ago, but Minnie Driver wasn’t super-relevant then (sorry), so it’s ok and it looks FAB on her tanned skin’. And I normally wouldn’t like pin-straight hair tucked behind the ears, but it works here.

Erica: No. I do not like this color on white girls.

Kate: Then I saw the length, and the side cutout, and those GROSS shoes. Black strappy shoes with a bright yellow dress that cuts off at the ankles? Close but no cigar, Min!

Erica: Not even close for me. The length kills any chance of me liking it.

 

Natasha Lyonne

Kate: Well, it’s kind of a mashup of every black-and-white dress every Hollywood starlet has ever worn on the red carpet since the beginning of time, and she’s making a very odd face, but hey. It’s nice!

Erica: I don’t really like it but I don’t totally hate it. And her hair looks nice.

 

Neve Campbell

Kate: Is this kind of what Joanne Froggatt is wearing but with more poof at the bottom? I like it just as much on her.

Erica: I like the lacy top.

Kate: And I LOOOOVVEEE her hair and makeup. Very elegant.

Erica: Yes. Perfection.

 

Priyanka Chopra

Kate: Yep, she’s essentially perfect.

Erica: Gorgeous. Really stunning.

Kate: I think we are all overdoing it a little with the bright red/pink and/or deep red/purple lipstick, and this shade is a little too matchy-matchy with the color of that FAB dress, but it still looks great. I love the sleek low pony, too.

Erica: I don’t mind the matchy-matchy with lipstick. It kind of bothers me with the carpet but I realize I’m being silly.

Kate: No, I get that too, but there are always a handful of girls who wear the same red as the carpet.

 

Sarah Hyland

Kate: The peplum in and of itself wasn’t bad enough, we had to EXTEND it? Come on. EW!

Erica: I’m not 100% against this. It’s unusual. And I love the embroidery.

Kate: I know people love capes and cape-esque things on the red carpet, but this just looks like two awkward tails, and the black pants underneath make it look very casual and, dare I say it, sloppy. They don’t look tailored right.

Erica: I feel like the hair was the real sin. It needs to be sleek and perfect for this look. It was not quite there.

Kate: Just because of the one piece hanging out?

Erica: Yeah. From the front, it was good. From the back? Sloppy.

 

Sofia Vergara

Kate: YES, I can go back to not liking Sofia Vergara’s red carpet look. Her hair is WAY too slicked back, and this is what I’m talking about with the dark red/purple lipstick (too much), and the swirly silver shapes on an otherwise nice dress are completely unnecessary. Honestly, one of her worst.

Erica: I hate the hair a lot.

Kate: Despite all of that, just look at that BODY. So who really cares about the rest?

Erica: Well, most of the women we cover have pretty rocking bodies.

 

Sophie Turner

Kate: For THE longest time I was like, ‘I don’t know this person, I’m not including her’. Then I was like, ‘Wait, that name sounds familiar. Should I know who that is?’ THEN I was like, ‘OMG, wait, that’s SANSA STARK! WHAT!?’

Erica: I hate everything here. Except her. I love her. But her hair and her makeup and her dress. Those things I hate.

Kate: Oh see the hair is the only thing I like, the dress sucks, I just could NOT recognize her for the life of me, and I can’t even put my finger on exactly what has changed about her?

Erica: Did you know she adopted her dire wolf?

Kate: IN REAL LIFE? BEST PERSON NOMINEE!

Erica: I can consign that.

 

Taraji P. Henson

Kate: I guess I was wrong about that yellow being so 2-3 years ago because here it is on Taraji too. This is quite safe/boring for her, no?

Erica: Yes. But did you see her clutch has her initials?

Kate: No? I kind of like the casual, almost messy/wetness of the hair against the structure of the dress, but the overall look is not the best.

Erica: It’s good. It’s safe. It’s not memorable.

Kate: Hold the phone, she changed into something else when she presented, which I like a whole lot more for her. It’s more daring and interesting, I just don’t like the blunt hairstyle because it gives me traumatic flashbacks to my elementary school years. It also means her first hairstyle was or this one is a wig, and I don’t like that.

 

Erica: So the presentation hair is definitely the wig. It is more daring but I don’t love it. And I don’t understand the logic of having two different outfits. Jimmy Kimmel did it, too. Why do you want to get dressed twice?

 

Tina Fey

Kate: YAAAASSSSSS TINA! YAS YAS YAASSSSS!

Erica: Love the color. Just love.

Kate: That HAIR — so voluminous! That COLOR — so unexpectedly perfect! That SILHOUETTE — so flattering & Greek goddess-y! BEST DRESSED NOMINEE!

Erica: She looks really good. Really good.

Kate: The ONLY thing I would change is the earrings. Too matchy matchy. A small, subtle sparkle in a neutral tone would have been just right.

Erica: I didn’t notice them. But I saw this on stage, not the carpet.

Kate: Ugh I LOVE IT when she just NAILS the red carpet!

 

Tori Kelly

Kate: Not ENTIRELY sure why she’s there, but I love a couple of her songs so I’m including her.

Erica: I have no idea who she is.

Kate: I love the hair and makeup, but the dress is boring and the accessories are trying too hard to overcompensate for that.

Erica: Hair very good. Makeup – I would have liked a stronger lip but maybe that’s just me. Dress fine. Boring but fine.

Kate: Hang on, we have another outfit change. Her performance dress is much more interesting, but then they zoomed in on her hair and it just did not move because of all the hairspray, so I take back what I said about her hair.

Erica: But why change? Why show up in my one black ball gown and change into another?

 

Viola Davis

Kate: Perfect perfect perfect perfect color. Perfect.

Erica: Yes. Love the color. Always a fan of bold color.

Kate: Love the embroidery on the neckline too, but the material gets a little too wrinkly in the skirt and I don’t love the makeup or hair.

Erica: I feel the makeup is a touch overdone. Like, I didn’t recognize her at first. But the dress is so nice.

Kate: Alas, Best Dressed?

Erica: I’m so excited that you like Kristen Bell’s dress. Can we give it to her?

Kate: Absotively posilutely! Worst?

Erica: I feel like Anna Chlumsky has the lock on that. Amy Poehler gave her a run, but Anna’s is ugly AND illogical. You know what I mean?

Kate: Yes, wholeheartedly agree. That’s a wrap!

Zoe and I discuss Government

A while back, Zoe was going over some terms with me. A mayor is in charge of a town, a governor is in charge of a state, etc.

“So it’s mayor, then governor, then president, then king or queen?” she said.

“Well, no,” I said. “King or queen and president are equivalent. They’re both in charge of a country.” We discussed monarchy vs democracy for a bit. Then I added, “Actually, a lot of countries with kings or queens also have democratic leaders. Like England has a queen, but it also has a Prime Minister.” (For purposes of a discussion with a seven-year-old, I didn’t bother making the distinction between England, Great Britain, the UK, etc. Sue me.)

“If they have a Prime Minister, then what do they need a queen for?”

I laughed. I said, “Many people in England wonder the same thing!”

But then I thought about it, because I like to give her more than one perspective on these things, so I said, “Many people feel they should not bother having a royal family any more. But some people really like it. And I guess they do two different things. Like, the Prime Minister, he (this convo was pre-Brexit) represents England when they’re talking to other countries, and he guides the laws that get made, and stuff like that. But the queen and the royal family members – like Prince William and Princess Kate – they do things that are more symbolic. Host national holiday stuff, go to funerals and weddings of foreign leaders or other important people. Their babies’ pictures are in magazines. And they are sort of representatives of British identity. It’s like they’re team mascots.”

And then I started thinking, you know, that’s not such a bad idea. To separate the role of “Person who Actually Makes Decisions about How to Rule a Country” and “Country’s Mascot.” We’ve combined them into one person, the president. For the last eight years, that sort of worked out. Obama wasn’t a bad mascot, with his charisma, and his bad-ass wife and two adorable kids, and he was a pretty good Grown-Up in Charge. But the eight years before that, we elected Guy You’d Have a Beer With over two Insufferably Boring Grown-Ups. That wasn’t great. And the eight years before that, we had a guy who was good at convincing everyone he was Guy You’d Have a Beer With while being secretly a mostly pretty good Grown-Up.

And right now we’ve got a Really Very Good Grown-Up who can’t convince anyone you’d enjoy having a beer with her, vs. Mascot EXTREME (for better or worse). Imagine if we just separated the roles. Imagine if we’d let someone who’s good at being a grown-up actually make decisions, and someone who’s very good at entertaining us (or terrifying us) just keep doing that in some fashion. That wouldn’t really be terrible, would it?

Oscars 2016

Kate: I thought the Oscars were so late this year, but February 28 really crept on me. Ah, life.

Erica: Almost all of the nominated movies are divided between “Things I’m definitely not going to see” and “Things I probably won’t see”.

Kate: Oh I saw so many!

Erica: I must, before we begin, give a shout-out to Chris Rock, who made me feel better about this exercise we do in criticizing women’s fashion by pointing out that no one asks men what they’re wearing because they’re all wearing the same thing, and if George Clooney showed up in a lime-green tux, they’d ask. Readers, if George Clooney showed up in a lime-green tux, Kate and I would write something about it. We promise.

Kate: Also, I’m thinking of throwing caution to the wind and doing this in order of who we see as opposed to alphabetically — too wild?

Erica: Oh, my God, Kate. I can’t even handle you right now.

 

Mindy Kaling

Kate: This is a lovely departure from her usual award show wardrobe, no? The sleeves are extremely flattering, and I really like her hair pulled back into a neat bun away from her face.

Erica: I think she looks very pretty. I don’t like the dress much as an object of fashion, but she looks pretty.

Kate: Color is a wee bit boring, but overall quite nice. Can’t wait to read her new book, which is next on my list!

Erica: You’ll love it.

Kate: Wait, hold on, the back is nuts. I take back what I said.

Erica: I’m not loving the dress. But I think she transcends it.

Kate: Wait, no, I like it again. Still excited to read her book.

 

Sofia Vergara

Kate: Oh my god, she actually looks bad? Is that dress from the 80s? What’s happening here?!

Erica: It’s a big departure from her in terms of silhouette but I find her overall aesthetic pretty 80s.

Kate: The color is really horrible and blah on her, and all the stuff happening in the middle is so unnecessary. Her boobs look incredible, as usual, but she put that fabulous hair back, which is a big mistake, and it is just overall not working. I guess she should stick to sparkly mermaid gowns with flowy hair?

Erica: They say it’s blue but it doesn’t look blue on the telecast. I’m not quite as disappointed as you are. Maybe because I am mesmerized by the boobs.

 

Alicia Vikander

Kate: We haven’t been including her in the other posts, but I feel like we should because she’s nominated.

Erica: I have never even heard of her movie but I like the dress.

Kate: She has quite a lovely petite frame and has looked very elegant all season long, and I know I’ll be in the minority here, but I don’t love this. The color is a little too Easter-y, the sparkles a little too sparkly, the hair and makeup a little too casual. I can’t believe that half-up bun thing is trendy now; that’s how I might wear my hair when I know (or hope) absolutely no one will see me. I am also really not happy about the dress length or the bunching at the bottom, or the silver shoes. They’re, like, prom shoe dye-to-match silver.

Erica: I think it’s well balanced. The color is a little unusual. The sparkles are not overwhelming. The bottom of the dress is fun; on her frame, a full-length poof might have been overwhelming. And she is, again, very tiny and young looking. More makeup or more glam hair might have looked like a little girl who tried on Mommy’s stuff.

 

Olivia Wilde

Kate: She TOTALLY took this from her Vinyl closet.

Erica: I haven’t watched that yet but I’m sure I should. She consistently impresses me in interviews.

Kate: Yes, you should. I like the dress but would prefer a thinner sleeve, and absolutely NO choker. I even like the bun/braid hairdo despite the frizziness on the top (it looked better on the pre-show than in this photo), but I am really weirded out by the red eye makeup thing she tends to do. It looks like bruising or blemishing, not at all elegant or chic.

Erica: I feel like this is more a look than just a dress, and as a look, I think it all works very well together. I like looks, and while this isn’t my favorite style, I think it’s all working together. I’m looking at her eyes — I even rewound to get a better look — and I don’t have a problem with them.

 

Saoirse Ronan

Kate: Wow, what a difference from her very buttoned-up SAGs look (we also haven’t been covering her this season, but I feel like we should for the same reason as Alicia Vikander).

Erica: Fair. Yeah, the red carpet people were like, “She’s a polite Irish girl”, and I’m like, in that dress? I mean, it’s green. But I wouldn’t describe it as “polite”.

Kate: I may be saying this just because I’ve been re-watching Friends from the beginning, but she’s giving me a very Jennifer Aniston sexy tousled California girl look (from the neck up) paired with a Julianne Moore dress she cut the front and back off of. Which is to say, I really like it.

Erica: She’s too pale for the Jennifer Aniston look but I do love the dress. Very slinky and pretty. The people on my TV show are complaining about her earrings but IDK WTF their problem is.

Kate: I meant an Irish version of the Jennifer Aniston look, and I meant it in a very good way. May be a Best Dressed nominee already.

Erica: I might even agree with you there.

 

Olivia Munn

Kate: Wow, friggin’ fabulous. Red looks incredible on her. (It looks more orange in the photo, but on the pre-show it was red, I swear.)

Erica: Okay so I’m into the dress for sure but there’s something up with her face, no?

Kate: Oh yeah I see what you mean, but I think it just looks thinner. Contouring, maybs? And I normally would not like the matchy lipstick, but it’s all just so perfect. The only thing I would change is adding a little more bling on the ears or on the other wrist.

Erica: Yeah, maybe. But the dress is very simple and attractive and exactly the right shade. It did look more red on television, but an orange-y red, which is very right for her.

 

Naomi Watts

Kate: Jesus H. Christ does she ever look bad?

Erica: I thought you were over sequins.

Kate: I am, but she just has the perfect little frame, and even if the dress itself is just OK (which this one is), her fabulousness turns it up several notches. For once, I really like the necklace.

Erica: She’s not my favorite but she looks terrific.

 

Brie Larson

Kate: Initial reaction is a no. First she did the topsy tail, now she’s doing the two front pieces pinned back behind her head — is she just, like, really into 90s hairstyles?

Erica: The 90s are back, baby! Where are my Docs? But also there’s something very complicated going on in the back of her head I can’t quite see.

Kate: The color of the dress is very lovely — she’s obviously a fan of blue — but the sheer extra material on top looks very cheap, the belt (which I’m hoping came with the dress and wasn’t a voluntary choice to add on) is WAY WAY WAY too much, and the bottom is too sea creature. The complicated thing going on in the back of her head is a braid or twist with jewels that match the horrible belt.

Erica: Zoe feels it reminds her of Evie’s coronation dress from the Disney Channel movie Descendants. So she’s a fan. I do love the color, and while I might not love the belt, the dress does require a belt. My thing is, I love ruffley skirts, but when they do the thing where it’s just ruffles attached vertically around the dress at intervals, like this one (I’m sure there’s a fashion term for this), I don’t like it at all.

Kate: It’s also making me nuts that the earrings don’t match the horrible jewel belt. This may honestly work fine with different hair and no belt, but I just can’t. Good makeup, not good everything else.

 

Rooney Mara

Kate: Let me start with a compliment: I absolutely love the makeup. Expert smoky eye right there, and the exact correct way to do a dark red lip.

Erica: You are right that it is well done, but I also hate it.

Kate: Now for the non-compliments: Hate the hair, a) because it’s basically how she wore it to the Globes and the SAGs, b) because it’s dumb.

Erica: Dumb and annoying.

Kate: I don’t like the diamond belly cutout at all, or the flattened peplum thing(s). I might like it a whole lot if it were just a white long-sleeve lacy white column dress, even with the slit up the middle, but perhaps then it’d be too bridal.

Erica: Hate. All of it.

Kate: I love when you hate Rooney Mara dresses!

 

Margot Robbie

Kate: She set the bar too high last year; anything else is just going to disappoint.

Erica: Well, this is a similar silhouette to last year. But not as well done.

Kate: Her hair is in that not-done style that I can’t stand, and the gold material looks too bulky on top. The rest of the dress is OK, but not stunning, and the obnoxiously long tassel on her black clutch is, well, obnoxious.

Erica: Her hair and makeup are really off. That said, she is a very sexy woman.

 

Isla Fisher

Kate: Oh my god, I absolutely love this. It’s like a modern take on that white and green Scarlett O’Hara dress.

Erica: Ooh, yes, lovely. Although I will confess that I saw your words before I saw the dress and I was hoping it would evoke the dress made out of drapes. I love that dress.

Kate: How perfect does this look on her?! Especially with the red hair?! Not at all sure why she’s at the Oscars, but Best Dressed nominee!

Erica: I think she’s there as Sasha Baron Cohen’s wife? Who is there to…Present something? I’m not sure. I do love this dress. I love romantic, feminine things.

 

Heidi Klum

Kate: I honestly think she wears these dresses now to F with us. “Ha ha, I’m gorgeous, look at how crazy I can still look anyway!”

Erica: Yes. That is precisely what happens in her head.

Kate: If she and Alicia Vikander stood next to each other, the Oscars red carpet would explode into a shower of Easter eggs.

Erica: The color, though, is the least offensive thing happening there. And what’s extra-infuriating is, as stupid as this dress is, she’s still gorgeous. She’s right; she does look good in ACTUALLY, LITERALLY ANYTHING.

 

Cate Blanchett

Kate: Hang on, if Heidi Klum and Alicia Vikander AND Cate Blanchett stood next to each other, THEN the Oscars red carpet would explode into a shower of Easter eggs AND bunnies AND feathers. What is with the pastels, ladies?

Erica: Yeah but why not?

Kate: I think I would love this without the crazy puffy/feathery sleeves — the silhouette is BOMB on her body. Damn.

Erica: I like the sleeves. They’re a little nutty but I like a small dose of nutty if it’s also pretty. She’s on my Best Dressed list. Also, did you see Sylvester Stallone getting all star struck about her? “Cate Blanchett knows who I am! She saw my movie!” That was too cute.

Kate: Like I said in my predictions post, he’s the most adorable ever.

 

Jennifer Garner

Kate: Ooooh very elegant. She’s got that depressed divorced look on her face Sandra Bullock always had after her marital issues, but the dress is super great.

Erica: I heard they were getting back together, no? She’s still so pretty.

Kate: Oh, I hope so! Yes, she is. This is actually one of my favorites of the night.

 

Julianne Moore

Kate: Yes. Julianne Moore reads our posts and agreed that she needed to stop with the sparkly column dresses, and went out and got this. Excellent listening skills, Julianne!

Erica: We have pull in Hollywood, obviously.

Kate: I think this is great. It’s not going to be my favorite of the night, but I really like how different it is from what she’s been wearing, I love black, I love her hair and makeup, and I even like the contrast between the circular earrings and triangular top of the dress.

Erica: Yeah, she looks like a normal, lovely human being dressed for a red carpet, instead of like a whackadoo. This ensemble will not change fashion but she looks nice.

Kate: The only thing I don’t like is that the silhouette makes her look a little thicker around the waist, when in reality she’s a very tiny woman. (Confirmed that fact with Ian, who has met her.)

Erica: How?!

Kate: She wrote a children’s book and they took her out, duh.

Erica: Ian has the best job.

 

Rachel McAdams

Kate: Ooooohhh I kind of love this.

Erica: It’s very nice.

Kate: It’s like she was kind of excited for the Globes and wore a nice Rachel McAdams dress, then she was kind of mad about the SAGs for some reason and didn’t care about doing her hair and makeup, and then she remembered that she’s effing gorgeous and nominated for an Oscar and BAM — sex pot dress.

Erica: She is effing gorgeous. The dress isn’t quite amazing, but it looks amazing on her.

Kate: From the side she looks semi-naked, but I really like it anyway. The color is fab against her pale skin and hair (even though I prefer her as a redhead or brunette), and I dig all the accessories. That material unfortunately shows the tiniest little wrinkles, but other than that? Best Dressed Nominee!

 

Lady Gaga

Kate: I find this to be overall lame. I don’t like the wide sculpted skirt over the pantsuit, I don’t like the white, and her hair/makeup look completely fake now, like she’s one of those women whose paid zillions of dollars to look like an actual Barbie.

Erica: I totes hate the pantsuit thing. Hate. It is filling me with confusion and disgust. And then she’s all, “It’s really important to me to speak out for victims of sexual violence”, and I’m like, I’m a terrible person for hating her outfit.

Kate: Well, hopefully her performance ensemble will be less lame.

Kate: Nope. Guess we’re both terrible people for hating both outfits.

 

Tina Fey

Kate: Ugh, she kills me. She hits it out of the park one night and strikes out the next — great color and dress overall, horrible necklace, even more horrible hair. It’s just too severe for her face; her hair looks incredibly beautiful and voluminous when worn down.

Erica: I don’t love the hair, and while I have less of an issue with the statement necklace than you do, that one is not great. But she looks very nice otherwise.

Kate: It’s like she still hasn’t figured out what works best for her, even though she’s been doing this for a long time.

Erica: I think this might be her least favorite thing about being a celebrity.

 

Reese Witherspoon

Kate: Reese is wearing the same shade of purple as Tina. I repeat, Reese Witherspoon is wearing the exact same shade of purple as Tina Fey. I don’t know why I think that’s a big deal, but I do. Do they care about stuff like that? Are they friends? Will this hurt their friendship?

Erica: I am now, like, wishing for a friendship between them. I think that could be interesting. What’s it called when you write, like, fan fiction, but it’s about real people rather than characters? That is a thing, and I think I’m going to write a story about how Reese and Tina became friends.

Kate: Perfectly Reese hair and makeup and jewelry — which means fabulous and sweet but a little safe — but the dress itself kind of sucks. The material looks really stiff, and it’s just not flattering on her. Sorry, Reese 😦

Erica: There’s too much structure in the top. It’s weird looking.

 

Kerry Washington

Kate: Way too S&M. Way.

Erica: Hate so much. It’s both too S&M AND black-and-white evening wear. (I’m not criticizing the practice of S&M, btw. Just the aesthetic.) But the makeup is great.

Kate: But the hair is not great. Have I EVER liked her red carpet looks? Why does everyone else obsess over her so much?

Erica: Well, I find her to be a very beautiful woman and a very charming, intelligent one in interviews and such. I didn’t really have an opinion about her until I saw her on Bill Maher’s show and she was so incredibly poised and perfect. I wanted to cast her as, like, a 60s political wife, who’s so good at the whole cocktail party thing, but you also know she’s got serious brain power and is basically behind all of her husband’s successes. Tonight, she was great talking to Robin Roberts about the whole #OscarsSoWhite thing. Also she looked adorable gazing at Henry Cavill, clearly trying hard not to giggle and flip her hair. I just do not connect with her style.

 

Charlize Theron

Kate: Yes.

Erica: She’s a good looking woman.

Kate: It honestly looks a little off-the-rack, like it’s from that store Cache (and maybe it is for all I know), and I wouldn’t like that necklace on anyone else, and I’ve seen her hair look better, and it’s kind of the same thing she always wears, but it’s Charlize Theron, so it’s all just yes. And I give up.

Erica: Yeah, I mean, there’s nothing wrong with anything about the look, but it really is down to the woman wearing it. You have to be actively trying to look stupid if you look like Charlize Theron. You know, you have to try as hard as Heidi Klum. (PS. Mad Max: Fury Road is one of the movies I saw. The Martian is the other one.)

 

Emily Blunt

Kate: Oh gosh no, no no no! Emily! No!

Erica: That bad?

Kate: This looks like a maternity nightgown! (I know she’s actually pregnant, but still.) Oh I’m so disappointed.

Erica: Yeah? I mean, I don’t love it, but I don’t think it’s that bad.

Kate: Hate to do it, but Worst Dressed nominee.

 

Kate Winslet

Kate: So I don’t love the dress in and of itself — I don’t know what that shiny material is, I don’t know if it’s black or brown or both, I don’t think it’s super flattering — but I love that it’s different from her usual look, and I super love that her hair is down and loose and wavy, and I super duper love that SHE ARRIVED. WITH. LEO. My heart is just BURSTING!

Erica: As much as I dislike Titanic, I do love their sustained friendship and support. It must have been quite a bonding experience to be young and so clearly better than your material.

Kate: I know it doesn’t mean that they’re together, because I think she’s married (with kids, even?) and he has serious commitment issues, but I know that they have a lot of love for each other and it’s just perfect that they’re both nominated and arrived together and I just can’t stand it. I also love her accessories and makeup.

Erica: Yes, she’s married and has kids, although I think her kids are not her current husband’s. And I don’t need them to be a couple. I like genuine platonic friendships between men and women. I don’t love this dress. It is aggressively shiny. But it is different for her. And her makeup looks great. I feel like the makeup artists of L.A. really brought it tonight.

 

Amy Poehler

Kate: Wow, super different for her! Very kimono-esque.

Erica: Still loving the red hair.

Kate: I don’t think I like the kimono much, but I like seeing the variety.

Erica: Yeah, I mean, I always like something different. And I like the material of this dress, the embroidery and the colors. I think just a different neckline would have really sold the whole thing.

 

Priyanka Chopra

Erica: I don’t know who she is or why she’s there, but she is very, very pretty and she looks stunning.

Kate: The only additional thing I know about her is that she is on a new TV show about the FBI. I like the dress a lot, especially that it’s white but not bridal, but I very much prefer her hair down. It’s quite fabulous.

Erica: I believe you.

 

Sarah Silverman

Kate: This is a LOT better than the SAGs monstrosity, but she still isn’t getting it. Her hair is just a little too pulled back, the top of the dress is just a little too tight, the weird upside down triangle thing around the hips is just pointless. A few little fixes and this would have been a stunner.

Erica: Yeah, the top is really doing weird things to her actually pretty decent body. Do you think she resents Amy Schumer?

Kate: No, I think they’re friends.

 

Jennifer Lawrence

Kate: J. Law with the very late arrival, and no red carpet?!

Erica: Maybe she’s sick of the whole thing. I would be if I were her. Oh, no, wait, I’d be busy rolling in my dollar bills and positive reviews and job offers.

Kate: I am absolutely in love with that new hairdo and subtle yet sexy makeup. I like the top of the dress a lot and I like the overall message of it, but it’s not my favorite ever.

Erica: I don’t love the hair. I do love the makeup. I do NOT like the dress. It is a stupider version of Rachel McAdams’s SAGs dress.

Kate: Oh no I think it’s quite different, and different from what she usually wears. Everyone really changed it up tonight, eh?

Erica: So, I think we will have trouble agreeing on Best Dressed, because I feel Cate Blanchett’s dress is everything I ever want on a red carpet, and you are somewhat less enthused.

Kate: No, she cannot win Best Dressed. How about Isla Fisher? She won’t win on anyone else’s list, but we both liked it a lot. Or Olivia Munn?

Erica: Ooh, let’s give it to Isla Fisher. We did both like it and it’s dreamy. Can we give Worst Dressed to Rooney Mara? I hates it soooo much.

Kate: Haha, ok!

Erica: Well, listen, folks, that’s it. That’s the awards season. And I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I don’t know if we can cover So You Think You Can Dance this year. Because we can’t criticize eight-year-olds. And Nigel can’t possibly drool over any of the contestants (right? RIGHT?!) so we won’t have much material there. So you might not see us again until the 2016 Emmys in the fall.

Kate: And, you know what I noticed last night? We all obsess over these starlets and their dresses, especially the ones who aren’t nominated and maybe don’t even belong at the Oscars ever, and then some of the people who win the non-acting awards and who consequently get quite a bit of screen time are really quite terribly dressed. Case in point:

Erica: The costume designer for Mad Max: Fury Road?

Kate: You got it, dude.

Erica: Yes. I don’t really want to get on the cases of the non-actors, because looking glamorous isn’t really part of their job. But woman? You design costumes. You couldn’t design yourself something that a character who is attending a formal event would wear?