Emmys 2015

Kate: Fashion Police on E! is back, and SO ARE WE with the 67th annual Primetime Emmy Awards!

Erica: Yeah, we’re back from the not-even-a-week-long hiatus we took between SYTYCD and this.

Kate: I’m curious as to why E! didn’t ask us to replace Kelly Osbourne and Kathy Griffin.

Erica: Please. We are way too classy.

Kate: Well put your mittens around your kittens and AWAY we GO!

Allison Janney

Erica: I love Allison Janney so very much. And I love this dress.

Kate: I love her as the kooky guidance counselor in 10 Things I Hate About You.

Erica: It reminded me of an Alice Temperley collection I loved a while back, but, you know, shiny, and formal. And I thought it was just the right mix of classy and sexy for this occasion/person.

Kate: It’s pretty sexy for an older gal, but I think she looks great.

Amy Poehler

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Kate: Solid basic black choice, but what has she done to her hair?

Erica: I kind of like it.

Kate: I want to like it, but it’s throwing me off. I think I have to sit with it for a little while.

Erica: That’s okay. I understand. Change is hard.

Kate: I do not have to sit with those crazy rubbery bracelets, though; they suck. But, she’s Amy Poehler, and Parks & Rec was such an amazing treat for the world, and she looks like she does not give one f*ck, as usual, so WHATEVER! Yay Amy!

Erica: I feel like, as with most of the people this time around, the ensemble is fine. Not exciting, not beautiful, but not dreadful either. Fine. Also, yes, Parks & Rec <3, and also yes, not giving a f*ck, yay!

Amy Schumer

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Kate: Ok, I love this color. A lot. I want to emphasize that.

Erica: Yes. The dress itself is fine and the color is lovely.

Kate: However. I HATE the hair, and think the eye makeup is way too dark. I’ve been watching a lot of her show and she always pokes fun at herself for not being that pretty/skinny/whatever, but she actually is, especially with very light (in terms of colors and amount) makeup, like with a nice peachy lip gloss to play up her fair skin and light hair, and with her hair in very loose tousled ringlets. This is on the opposite side of the tousled spectrum. Like I’m wondering if she actually meant for her hair to look like that.

Erica: Yeah, I thought maybe the hair was going to be part of a bit of some kind. And then when she and Amy Poehler went up to present the first award and did that little beautification thing in front of the stage, I thought, “Oh, they’re going to fix it!” But. No. Not so much.

Kate: The neckline of the dress isn’t the most flattering either — a necklace may have helped — but, again, absolutely love the color and love her very much.

Anna Chlumsky

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Kate: Oh, she wanted to wear a DNA diagram on her dress.

Erica: See, I first saw this when she was in the audience and I kind of liked it. I thought it was romantic and fetching. Then I saw a picture of her from the front and realized that no, it was not at all fetching. But I did love her enthusiasm every time a Veep person won.

Kate: By enthusiasm you mean crazy intense faces? I pretty much hate this. Her hair looks nuts.

Erica: I don’t mind the concept of the hair, which I know you do, but it looked pretty frazzled.

Ariel Winter

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Kate: Luurrrvvveeeeeee.

Erica: Yeah? I mean, she looks very nice. But I don’t know that I LURVE.

Kate: Absolutely perfect shade of red, perfect silhouette, perfect hair, perfect perfect perfect. She is one class act.

Erica: It’s a good color for her. I’m not into the waistline and I’m not into the purse/rings and I don’t know. It’s not wowing me.

Aubrey Plaza

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Kate: LOVE THE DRESS. LOVE.

Erica: Like the dress. Like. She looks sexy and a little chill and it’s a good look for her.

Kate: Also love the angled bob in theory, but in practice it looks a little casual for that dress/this event. A sleek bun like Ellie Kemper’s (see below) may have worked better. Really love the dress, and PERFECT shoes.

Erica: The hair is not quite as sleek as it needs to be and the make-up could be a little stronger. I do appreciate that she didn’t overdo the jewelry.

Kate: Honestly this would already be a best dressed nominee if not for the hair.

Cat Deeley

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Kate: Cat! It’s our Cat! Hi Cat!

Erica: Do you think if we met her in person we’d just start talking to her like we know her and she’d freak out and call the police?

Kate: Yes to the first part, but she’d love us too much to call the police. Um, she’s pregnant? That explains all those weird dresses on SYTYCD!

Erica: You know, I thought it was just light hitting the dress weird, but you could be right. That makes me happy. Cat Deeley should definitely be replicating.

Kate: I am right, pregnancy confirmed. Her hair is absolutely perfectly Cat Deeley-esque, and I think the gold is great on her. A zillion times better than anything she wore all season long.

Erica: Seriously. And we almost never see a side part on her on the show, which I like quite a bit.

Christina Hendricks

attends the 67th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards at Microsoft Theater on September 20, 2015 in Los Angeles, California.

Kate: Ok so she was on Watch What Happens Live fairly recently and looked way too skinny to me, but this is the Christina I know and love. VA-VA-VOOM!

Erica: I get the feeling her weight fluctuates a lot. She looks fantastic but I do not love the dress.

Kate: I love her hair like that so very much, and I think very few people other than her could pull off that dress. The crazy patterns and textures accentuate and flatter every inch of her body.

Erica: I do love her hair. The dress — I just want to chop off the sleeves. That’s all.

Claire Danes

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Kate: Oh no Angela, this is all wrong. All of it — hair style, hair color, dress color, neckline, silhouette, sequins, chains — ALL WRONG!

Erica: Everything she wears on the red carpet looks like a sack hanging off a skeleton. Claire, either eat a sandwich or dress your skinny frame in a flattering way, please.

Kate: Worst dressed nominee.

Erica: I was going to say, I don’t know that it’s that bad, but tonight was pretty boring in terms of fashion, so yeah, probably.

Danielle Brooks

attends the 67th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards at Microsoft Theater on September 20, 2015 in Los Angeles, California.

Kate: That neckline with that hair is a little too harsh on her, but the dress itself is a lot of fun.

Erica: Yeah, the hair could be some other way, but I like the dress and I like how much she appears to love it.

Dascha Polanco

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Kate: Oh no.

Erica: Oh. I love her work on the show, though. But no. She looks like a person made famous by being rejected by some horrible old music star on a VH1 reality show.

Kate: She always looks a hot mess on the red carpet, let’s get her a stylist shall we? Brad, are you free to take on another client?

Erica: She needs help. She’s a lovely and talented person but she dresses like…Well, I’m too much of a lady to say what she dresses like.

Elisabeth Moss

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Kate: Oh, so that’s where Amy Poehler’s hair color went.

Erica: She’s been doing that hair for a while now. We do not like, Elisabeth Moss. We like you, but not blond hair on you.

Kate: Not a fan at all. The hair color is way too harsh against her skin. I like the dress color, but the dress itself is rather boring. This falls flat for me all around.

Erica: See, I agree that it’s not the most interesting thing ever, and I hate the hair and I don’t love the red lips with the pink gown, but grading on the Elisabeth Moss curve? It’s fine.

Ellie Kemper

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Kate: For some reason on anyone else I think I’d hate this, but on this adorable woman who plays such an adorable character, I love it. (Please note that it looked a lot better during the Emmys than it does in the photos.)

Erica: I actually like it quite a bit. It’s pretty and interesting, looks well made, flatters her nicely, fits her “brand,” and she (or someone else) styled it well. Good job, Ellie!

Kate: I also love the severity/formality of her hair and clean, classic makeup in contrast to the funkiness of the dress. BEST DRESSED NOMINEE!

Erica: Definitely under consideration.

Emma Roberts

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Kate: ExCUSE ME Julia Roberts’ niece!

Erica: OH! Is that who she is?

Kate: Yes! Hot damn she looks incredible. I love this dress. In ivory or another shade of white, and maybe a slightly less shiny material, it could be a fabulous wedding dress? Kind of looks like mine maybe a little? No? Ok.

Erica: I did like the dress a lot although I thought it was a teensy bit too pale/shiny.

Kate: The only thing that’s throwing me off is the dress being almost the same color as her skin, which we know I don’t like, and the very light hair. This would have been absolute perfection on a brunette. (Sorry blonds, I am usually not this prejudiced against you.)

Erica: Yeah, you usually hate that. I agree, brunette (which she sometimes is, no? Or do I completely not know who Emma Roberts is?), lack of shine, perfect.

Kate: You are correct, she has had many different hair colors.

Heidi Klum

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Kate: No.

Erica. It’s so bad it’s funny. I’m certain she meant it to be this bad, really.

Kate: No.

Erica: She’s like, “I am Heidi Klum. Let’s test the ‘Anything would look good on me’ theory!”

Kate: THIS IS ⅓ OF BIG BIRD’S COSTUME! NO!

Erica: She does go ALL OUT for Halloween. Maybe this is her dress rehearsal.

Kate: Yes, if she plans to dress up as Big Bird this year.

Jane Krakowski

attends the 67th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards at Microsoft Theater on September 20, 2015 in Los Angeles, California.

Kate: I think the overall look is very classy and elegant and pretty, and I even like the color blocking, but I CANNOT with the peplum — I thought we were over that! — and I think it would like a lot better as a column instead of a flared skirt.

Erica: It feels like those pieces were just added to the dress to f*ck with us. The dress would be great without them. And her hair and make-up are lovely, and also, I want Jane Krakowski to be in more things.

Kate: So, when CAN we be done with the peplum?

Erica: When can we be done with the shoulders-forward-hunch pose?

Joanne Froggatt

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Kate: I wasn’t going to include her but then I heard that Brad Goreski styled her, so yay!

Erica: I’m sure I know who that is.

Kate: We’ve been over this: He was Rachel Zoe’s assistant, then got his own show on Bravo, now is a Fashion Police judge, and stylist to the STARS. I love the two-tonedness and the silhouette and the ribbonyness of this dress a lot.

Erica: It’s not my usual thing but I like it and it looks pretty on her.

Kate: However, I do not like the hair at all. Way too casual. That’s what my hair looks like a few hours after I let it air dry and it has lost all life. NOT red carpet appropriate.

Erica: Oh, in pics, I thought it looked nice. A little casual, sure, but pretty, and great color. Did it not look as good in motion?

Kate: Nope, dead and flat. Although, in her defense, with that complicated neckline, I’m really not sure what hairstyle would have been better.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

attends the 67th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards at Microsoft Theater on September 20, 2015 in Los Angeles, California.

Kate: Ok, we all know how much I love JLD, right?

Erica: Yes.

Kate: I like this, and she looks gorgeous, but I don’t love it nearly as much as her last, like, 20 red carpet looks. It’s just a little basic. And the earrings are a little too much with the dress and the hair is a little too not enough. Ya know?

Erica: I think it’s boring, as most of the fashions were, but damn if she doesn’t look good. She is keeping it seriously tight, and I thought here hair looked gorgeous.

Kate: No, you know what, I take it back. I didn’t mean any of that, she looks perfectly amazing. Please don’t be mad at me JLD!

Julie Bowen

attends the 67th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards at Microsoft Theater on September 20, 2015 in Los Angeles, California.

Kate: This is a surprisingly safe and classic choice for her — kind of like JLD’s! She usually tries a little harder than this, no?

Erica: I remain convinced that she is lulling us into a false sense of security.

Kate: Well I actually like it. I could do without the third strap around the neck, but without that it’d probably be a little too basic. She’s even channeling her inner Sofia Vergara with that mermaid bottom.

Erica: One day we will be EXPECTING something perfectly classy and nice from her — “Oh, Julie Bowen, yes, she used to dress like a madwoman, but not anymore!” we will say to ourselves, then BOOM! Something horrific.

Kerry Washington

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Kate: It looks like Michael Jackson’s and Prince’s closets got together and had a baby and that baby is this horRENDOUS dress.

Erica: Aw. I was kind of intrigued by this. It was not boring.

Kate: No, it’s gross. Also truly terrible hair. Is that the thing where you tuck long hair under so that it looks like a bob? If so it was very poorly done. SO over you, Kerry Washington!

Erica: I will never be over you, Kerry Washington. Although I did stop watching Scandal. I’m sorry. I couldn’t keep track of who I was supposed to like anymore.

Kiernan Shipka

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Kate: I get what she’s doing here and I really don’t like it.

Erica: I don’t know. I’m intrigued.

Kate: There just comes a point where I wonder if people wear things that they actually think look good on them or look good in general, or if they just wear it because they heard it’s on trend or just for the shock value. I don’t appreciate that.

Erica: I feel like she’s definitely making a very fashion-forward choice, but I did actually think it looked good on her, and in general — well, it’s interesting. It is not at all boring. And she kept the hair and make-up really perfect and simple so that it didn’t look like she was wearing a costume. She’s getting to have such an interesting and lovely face.

Kate: Worst dressed nominee!

Lady Gaga

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Kate: Of all the people I would expect to wear a basic black one-shoulder gown, Lady Gaga would never be one of them. Her dress, JLD’s and Julie Bowen’s could be interchangeable.

Erica: That seems to be the thing she’s doing now. Normal.

Kate: As I’ve mentioned a few times now, I don’t really like that unnatural blond hair color on anyone, but damn, she cleans up nice. I really love the makeup. Maybe I should do fake lashes for the wedding…

Erica: The makeup was a little much for me but nice.

Laura Prepon

attends the 67th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards at Microsoft Theater on September 20, 2015 in Los Angeles, California.

Kate: I think a lot of people are going to disagree with me here, but I like the messy updo. A lot.

Erica: I like it in and of itself (although I will always like her better as a redhead, and in any event, that color is way too harsh for her), but I don’t like it with that particular dress.

Kate: And you know, I like the idea of the dress, but wouldn’t it have been great as a strapless red number WITHOUT the beaded turtleneck cape/shrug thing? They are separate pieces, right?

Erica: Well, then it wouldn’t have been the look she was going for. I don’t like it for the Emmys or for a person her age (she needs about 20 more years before that’s a good look) but I think without the shrug, it’s just another red mermaid dress.

Kate: I seem to recall her having very odd red carpet looks before, though, so I think this is the step in the right direction.

Laverne Cox

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Kate: That color again! Is it the color of the night?

Erica: I think we just like that color.

Kate: (It looked very similar to Amy Schumer’s on the pre-show, but not so much in pictures.) The ridiculously yellow neon nails AND shoes ALMOST ruin it, but everything else is flawless. Love the long loose waves, love the dress. The material looks so flawless.

Erica: I like it. I even like the shoes/nails as a contrast color. I usually hate Laverne Cox’s red carpet looks, and I’m happy to see her in something simple but still interesting, with great hair and makeup.

Lena Headey

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Kate: Eh, no.

Erica: I saw her first on stage, not on the red carpet, so my first thought about the dress was that she was carrying it weird. But then I loved her hair and make-up. And I decided I like the dress.

Kate: She usually takes pretty big risks on the red carpet, but I think this would have worked as a more slinky number and not a huge poofy skirt. The color is great, but it’s overall a little too overwhelming for me.

Erica: I don’t know; more slinky would have been more normal/boring. I don’t know that I LOVE this dress, but I like the overall look on her. Also, she was robbed. (Was she robbed? She lost, right?) She was magical on GoT this season.

Kate: I think GoT has won enough things for me to not feel like any of them have ever been/will ever be robbed.

Maisie Williams

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Kate: Oh it’s so weird seeing Arya in a strapless bubblegum pink gown!

Erica: Aw, she should get to feel pretty sometimes!

Kate: I mean, I think she looks nice, but nothing about this really stands out to me.

Erica: It’s a cute dress, but it needs to be a couple of inches shorter, and while I understand why she might want to put furry shoes with it, I don’t think it looked right, and the heel was too chunky. But hey. She only gets to girl it up some of the time.

Maggie Gyllenhaal

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Erica: So I don’t like the two-tone formal dresses, in general, but this one was cut very beautifully out of a lovely material and it didn’t make her boobs look, like, excessively droopy like they usually do on the red carpet, so I kind of have to give it to her.

Kate: Yeah, I surprisingly liked the silhouette of this a lot.

Mindy Kaling

attends the 67th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards at Microsoft Theater on September 20, 2015 in Los Angeles, California.

Kate: You know what? This color is risky, but I like it on her.

Erica: She has the perfect skin tone for this color. No risk for lovely Indian ladies.

Kate: I don’t love it, especially because the earrings and bag are the same color so it’s just like a lot of that one color, but I think she overall looks quite nice.

Erica: I think she did the matchy-matchy on purpose and I kind of applaud it. Not my usual thing, but she committed and I appreciate that.

Kate: You know who else is wearing a similar color and does not look quite nice? Heidi Klum.

Natasha Lyonne

attends the 67th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards at Microsoft Theater on September 20, 2015 in Los Angeles, California.

Kate: She also always kind of looks a hot mess on the red carpet, particularly dress length-wise, but I don’t think she actually really cares at all.

Erica: She most definitely 100% does not care at all. This might actually be the nicest I’ve seen her look on the red carpet.

Kate: I also see some way-too-chunky shoes underneath that — shudder — fringe.

Regina King

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Erica. So as long as I was only looking at her from the waist/hips up, I really liked the dress. I love stark white on dark-skinned ladies, and I liked the structure in the top. But the bottom was a tad too structured. And I hate when formal gowns hit right above the foot like that.

Kate: It’s a Christmas tree. She is literally wearing a white/silver Christmas tree on her body. (Great makeup and hair, though.)

Samira Wiley

attends the 67th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards at Microsoft Theater on September 20, 2015 in Los Angeles, California.

Kate: Yeeeessssssss.

Erica: Absolute perfection. One hundred percent doing everything right.

Kate: Very Lupita. Perfect color on her, flawless makeup (despite the weird facial expressions in the photo). Best dressed nominee, certainly best dressed OITNB cast member!

Erica: Yes, very Lupita. Which is a compliment of the highest order.

Sarah Hyland

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Kate: That’s a great dress, but what is she 36 now?

Erica: Yes. That is exactly the age she should be when wearing that dress.

Kate: She dresses way older than she needs to, and that haircut and super-dark makeup make it even worse. She should take a page out of Ariel Winter’s style book.

Erica: See, I’ve liked previous Ariel Winter looks better than tonight.

Kate: Also don’t love the earrings and matching bracelet (which is halfway up her arm?) with that dress, kind of cheapens it. Also feel like we’ve actually seen this dress before? Maybe on Tina Fey?

Erica: Yeah, I was trying to figure out if this was a Covet dress or something. It looks really familiar.

Kate: On second (or third or fourth) thought, I do like how the shoulder straps continue as one long horizontal strap in the back. Sexy. But, too sexy on her?

Erica: I think it’s just too old. She looked cute at the afterparty. (Still with a bracelet halfway up her forearm for some reason, but it looks cuter there.)

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Sofia Vergara

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Kate: That is the least amount of cleavage I’ve ever seen on Sofia Vergara on the red carpet.

Erica: That is probably a true observation.

Kate: Also, not a mermaid bottom? A slightly underwhelming choice for her but, Jesus Christ, she’s a smokeshow no matter what. Her talking about her perfume to Ryan Seacrest during the pre-show was quite entertaining.

Erica: According to Julie Bowen, she is basically her character.

Taylor Schilling

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Kate: Ugh, no no. This is pretty bad.

Erica: There are some things I like conceptually about this dress, but man, were those concepts executed terribly.

Kate: The asymmetrical neckline is awkward, the color is just OK, the length and ruffle at the bottom are dreadful, and the matchy-matchy shoes? Terrible. I also don’t like the flapper hairstyle but I know that’s like, “in”, right now.

Erica: Hair and makeup are the least offensive things happening. Look, if you are blond and pale, you need to be careful about yellow. That is all.

Taraji P. Henson

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Kate: So she looks pretty sexy, I’ll give her that. But the chain straps? Come on. So tacky. Why are these on more than one person tonight?

Erica: I thought hair and makeup were flawless and I really should be watching Empire, I think, but I did not like the dress and also thought it hung weird on her boobs.

Kate: Is the skirt all fringe? Not a fan. Also not a fan of the very dark purple/blue eyeshadow — too much. Great bob, though.

Erica: I only saw the makeup on stage where it looked terrific.

Taryn Manning

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Kate: Morticia Addams. No.

Erica: She’s so cute. Why doesn’t she dress/style herself like a cute person? Why does she wear dreadful dresses and slick back her hair all weird?

Tina Fey

onstage during the 67th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards at Microsoft Theater on September 20, 2015 in Los Angeles, California.

Kate: She really loves that black-and-white fancy waitress look, doesn’t she?

Erica: I really don’t like that look. At all. I think I’m on the record on this issue.

Kate: I mean I think she looks very nice but it’s not thrilling me.

Erica: Look, if she and Amy would host again, the two of them could wear whatever they wanted and I’d say nothing but nice things about it. Andy Samberg is…Not my favorite.

Uzo Aduba

attends the 67th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards at Microsoft Theater on September 20, 2015 in Los Angeles, California.

Kate: Similar neckline and hair to Danielle Brooks’ but it works a lot better on Uzo.

Erica: She looked good and was very charming in her acceptance speech. Wait, did she beat Lena Headey? Then maybe Lena Headey did not get robbed. Although, now that I’m thinking about it, while Uzo Aduba’s portrayal of Crazy Eyes is quite fabulous all of the time, this wasn’t a particularly great season for her character the way it was for Lena Headey’s.

Kate: No, Uzo won supporting, Viola Davis won lead. I think I would like this dress a lot more without the black in the middle (or is that navy blue?), but she overall looks very lovely.

Erica: I don’t like the dress, but she looks good in it. I feel about it the way I feel about almost all of the dresses tonight — it’s fine. It’s not my thing but it’s fine.

Viola Davis

poses in the press room at the 67th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards at Microsoft Theater on September 20, 2015 in Los Angeles, California.

Erica: Pretty good dress. Didn’t love the make-up. Didn’t actually recognize her when she first came out because the make-up was not making her look her best.

Kate: The dress is nice but I really don’t like how she wears her hair or makeup so it kind of ruins it for me.

Yael Stone

attends the 67th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards at Microsoft Theater on September 20, 2015 in Los Angeles, California.

Kate: Ummm why have we not seen her on the red carpet with her fellow OITNB nominees before? She looks incredible!

Erica: Oh! It took me a minute to figure out who she was! She looks cute!

Kate: What a fun, high fashion, couture dress. I want to not like the ponytail with it but I think it really all works very well.

Erica: Yeah, that’s messy updo done well. And the dress is fun, if a little bit heavy-looking.

Kate: Alas, best dressed?

Erica: How do we even pick when this was a night of meh? My personal fave was probably Allison Janney. But she is also my personal fave person. Samira Wiley probably deserves it most.

Kate: Or Ellie Kemper? Worst dressed?

Erica: I mean, Heidi Klum is definitely the worst, but she’s baiting us to say that. So Claire Danes?

Kate: I’ll give them a tie for worst. WARST!

SAGs 2014

Erica: Welcome to SAGs 2014. I have to confess, I didn’t watch, so I’m just judging the dresses on how they look in pictures. For all I know, they looked way better in motion.

Kate: I watched (on a Saturday night, what a wild life over here) and everything looks pretty much the same here as it did on screen.

Amy Adams

 

Kate: Okay, so I luurrrvee the color.

Erica: Yeah. That is a GREAT color on her.

Kate: And I honestly think it would have been perfect had it been just the structured strapless thing or just the off-the-shoulder-with-a-sexy-slit thing up top, but instead it is both and therefore somewhat awful.

Erica: I don’t know, I’m kind of going for it with all of those things. I’m even not minding the belt.

Kate: I also can’t stand that hair — faux bobs, puh-lease.

Erica: Yeah, I’m also going to go ahead and disagree there, too. I get that the concept of a faux bob is annoying, but if one is not thinking about the concept, the hair itself looks great.

 

Cate Blanchett

 

Kate: I’ve gone back and forth on this, and I’ve decided I like it. I almost love it.

Erica: I wish I had seen this in motion, because in a still picture, I just . . . I’m not sure if I can fully get behind it. The color is great, the concept is interesting, but it’s really saggy in the middle, right?

Kate: Her hair and face are just effing perfect, and the color of the dress could only work on her and, like, Audrey Hepburn. I just wish that sparkly pink detail had been somewhere else other than front and center.

Erica: Yeah. Her hair and face are absolutely perfect, and I like the color. For me it’s less about the sparkly pink and more about the sag.

Kate: And not to sound like a super-@asshole, but when she was accepting her award (yay!) I noticed her earrings matched that sparkly pink detail, like, perfectly, and I didn’t like that. Corny.

Claire Danes

 

Kate: Well I can honestly say I’ve never seen anything else like this on the red carpet.

Erica: Yeah . . . and I’m kind of digging that about it. I mean, it isn’t, like, a dress I’d dream of wearing myself. But it looks really cool. Look at it from the back:

Kate: It’s not amazing, but it’s not offensive. I’m happy she’s back to red hair, at the very least.

Erica: Yeah, her hair and make-up look much better than usual.

 

Elizabeth Moss

 

Kate: A vast improvement over the Globes dress, I think.

Erica: Okay, she hired a new stylist this year. I hate to say it, since I hated her more “interesting” looks in the past, but this is kind of boring. Nice, but boring.

Kate: I agree we’ve had enough of these stars wearing the same red as the carpet on which they are walking, though. And the shape is a little meh.

Erica: Also, posture!

Emilia Clarke

 

Kate: Bah!

Erica: I think you mean, BRA! Like, get one!

Kate: This fits her TERRIBLY! Oh no, she’s got to step up her red carpet game immediately. What would Khaleesi say!?

Erica: Khaleesi would say, “What the f are awards shows? And can I bring my dragons?”

Emma Thompson

 

Erica: Vast, vast improvement.

Kate: Again, an improvement over the Globes dress, and her hair no longer looks like a wig, but what is going on with the bottom there?

Erica: Yes, bottom should be longer.

Kate: Wait, BREAKING NEWS, she was wearing flat sandals! To an award show! OMG that is like, sooooo crazy.

Erica: I love it. Because at the Globes she took off her high-heeled Louboutins because she couldn’t walk in them. She walked on stage with them in one hand and a martini in the other. But I don’t know if they serve martinis at the SAGs. Maybe she figured she’d rather be comfy if there would be no alcohol to numb the pain.

 

Hannah Simone

 

Kate: So like, why is she there? New Girl wasn’t nominated for anything, and Zooey wasn’t there, right?

 

Erica: Yeah, I don’t know. At first I thought I didn’t know who she was. But then I saw a closer picture and realized I did, and she can look way more awesome than that.

Kate: Either way, it’s a little much. I love her hair and makeup and think she is generally gorgeous, but the dress is too long and shmancy for a not-that-important actress (sorry) at a not-that-important award show (sorry sorry).

Erica: I just think it doesn’t highlight how beautiful she is. And the make-up is a little too pale.

Helen Mirren

 

Kate: This is basically what Jiulianna Margulies wore to the Globes, which we adored, with long sleeves, no?

Erica: Yeah.

Kate: Well, I think I like it. I obviously like the first one better, though.

Erica: I think Helen Mirren doesn’t usually dress this much like an old lady.

 

Jennifer Lawrence

 

Kate: We have yet another drastic improvement over the Globes dress, yes?

Erica: Yes. Certainly.

Kate: I still think she could have done better/did in fact do better last year, but she has an incredible body that looks great in this dress.

Erica: I just want us all to bear in mind for a moment that this completely frickin’ fabulous and slim body is considered “curvy” by Hollywood. And we all know in Hollywood, when they say “curvy,” they mean “kinda fat, but for some reason people in Peoria still find her sexy.” And that is super-weird.

 

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

 

Kate: Holy moly

Erica: Really?

Kate: I am flabbergasted by her amazingness. I mean, I know she has serious money, but I don’t think she’s had serious work done, right? She’s just that flawless?

Erica: I think she looks great. But I don’t really love the dress. I really love her hair, though.

Kate: I really love the dress. I would totes wear it.

Julia Roberts

 

Kate: I like the black strapless dress with the sparkly belt over a white button-down much better than this.

Erica: Yes.

Kate: I’m sorry but even if you’re Julia Freakin’ Roberts, ladies of a certain age should cover up their arms. This really doesn’t flatter any part of her body, except maybe her skin tone. The pink is nice.

Erica: Oh, Kate. Her arms look fine.

Kate: Also, these are pants. Unless they are on Diane Keaton, you know how I feel about the presence of those at award shows.

Erica: They are not just pants. They are a jumpsuit. JUMPSUITS ARE NEVER APPROPRIATE, PEOPLE. NEVER, EVER, EVER. Not even when you’re Julia Roberts. Even little kids shouldn’t wear them, because the younger the kid, the fewer the obstacles should be when getting to the potty. True facts, I used to think bikinis for toddler girls were gross. Until I was potty training Zoe. Then bikinis were the best idea ever.

 

Julie Bowen

 

Kate: Hmmm…

Erica: She’s fucking with me.

Kate: The concept is there. I like the bottom patterns, I like the orange in contrast with the black and white, the silhouette is not bad, but something is just not working.

Erica: It’s the fact that she’s fucking with me. That’s what’s off.

Kerry Washington

 

Kate: So she cut the top off Drew Barrymore’s Globes dress and added a hid-ay-ous black floofy skirt?

Erica: No, she cut off the top of something Drew Barrymore wore in Never Been Kissed.

Kate: I think this looks extraordinarily awful. Worst dressed nominee.

Erica: This is . . . I love her so much. I don’t . . . I don’t understand what happened in her brain and/or the brain of her stylist to make this ensemble appear.

Lupita Nyong’o

 

Kate: I don’t want to like all that business on top, but I do.

Erica: I’m fine with liking it. The rest of the dress is so simple, it works.

Kate: The color is freakin’ stunning, especially on her dark skin. That business on top could be somewhat reduced, but overall I think she looks fantastic. Everything just fits her so WELL — she must have a tight little body under there, amazing undergarments, an excellent tailor, or all of the above. Probably all of the above.

 

Erica: I haven’t even seen 12 Years a Slave, but I hope her acting career continues and prospers, if only to see more of her on the red carpet. This is phenomenal.

 

Meryl Streep

 

Kate: I kind of wish she hadn’t worn this because it’s kind of potato sacky, but…

Erica: But she’s Meryl Streep and she sure as hell does not have to give a damn.

Kate: I do love that she wears her glasses to almost all award shows. I feel at my complete ugliest when I wear mine.

Erica: Aw, Kate. Your ugliest is still a lot of other people’s best day.

Mindy Kaling

 

Kate: I love this.

Erica: Me, too.

Kate: It’s flattering and she looks like she’s straight chillin’ in it — not nominated, just presenting and hanging out with her friends whilst looking great. Yayyy Mindy!

Erica: Yeah, this is very much “Oh, this old thing? Just something I had lying around.” In the best way possible.

 

Rita Moreno

 

Kate & Erica: ANITA!!

Kate: So when I say I want to look like Julia Louis-Dreyfus at her age, I want to look like Rita Moreno at her age. Holy smokes this woman is perfect! She is 82 for crying out loud!

Erica: Seriously? Then yes, wow, she looks amazing.

Kate: Ok, the outfit. I think it’s a pretty bad-@ss jacket over an OK dress — I hope it’s long-sleeved — but overall she looks so bloody fantastic I can’t take it. Look at her SKIN! Can you EVEN?

Erica: I think the outfit is kind of dreadful, but when you have this much sass, who cares? Plus, she’s ANITA!

Sandra Bullock

 

Kate: Damn, she is ripped. Don’t you like this much better than her Globes dress, Er?

Erica: Well, yes. Yes, I do.

Kate: I love the color and the texture of the dress, and I’d much rather see her awesome leg than Queen Slutbag Angelina’s. (So happy Brad was there without her.)

Erica: Oh for crying out loud. There is nothing wrong with Angelina. Anyway, yes, crazy good body. Good make-up, too.

Kate: I just wish she would start smiling with her teeth again. 😦

Erica: Yeah, I haven’t seen her look happy at an awards show in what feels like forever. Boo-boo, we all sometimes fall for mean, cheating Neo-Nazis. You rock so much harder than that. Cheer up!

 

Sofia Vergara

 

Kate: So this is the definition of “be careful what you wish for”, because her in a non-mermaid-esque dress is not all that great. I guess she had the right idea before.

Erica: Yeah, she was pretty much wearing the thing that looked best on her.

Kate: It’s very ill-fitting in the middle, and just too much overall. Especially that matchy-matchy necklace.

Erica: Well, she’s kind of a matchy-matchy person.

Kate: Also, she’s seriously getting too skinny. Also also, I want her to go back to her naturally(?) darker hair.

Erica: I think she actually is that skinny; it’s just that when a dress or a particular photo doesn’t highlight her massive boobs, it’s more obvious.

Tina Fey

 

Kate: My new obsession with her is probably clouding my judgment a little, but I think this looks great on her. And there is nothing more precious than her bringing her daughter, Alice, as her date, who is so adorably excited and matching her mommy.

Erica: Best accessory of the night!

Kate: Ok so, best dressed?

Erica: I’m thinking Lupita. You?

Kate: I’m comfortable with that. Worst dressed is Kerry Washington no question, yes?

Erica: Yeah. I mean, I love her. I love her so much. I think she’s fabulous. I just don’t understand what happened here.

Kate: Ok folks, tune in next week for the Grammys, where things will probably get a little weird (ahem, Rihanna, Gaga, etc.)!

Erica:Weird is my favorite flavor!

Grammys 2013

Erica: Grammy time! You know what I love about the Grammys?

Kate: What?

Erica: At the Grammys, celebs tend to go a little nuts with their look. You know, it’s music! It’s rock and roll! It’s . . .

Carrie Underwood

Erica: Hey, wait a second.

Kate: I am a new fan of Carrie so I like this, but I don’t think the necklace matches. And she fooled me with her hair because I thought it looked so cute at that length and then she turned around and there was a whole lot more/longer hair in the back, which I didn’t feel was necessary.

Erica: Well, she is a country star, so I guess funky is not to be expected. And I’m used to seeing Carrie Underwood dress like she’s an aging country star, so this is definitely an improvement.

Kate: Are you nuts? She dresses so cute!

Erica:  On the red carpet, I’ve mainly seen her in things that would be appropriate on a woman at least twenty years her senior. This is very beautiful. The details are interesting and pretty. She looks good.

Erica: But surely someone must have brought the funk, right? Like Rihanna! She’s always very interesting with her fashion choices!

Rihanna

Erica: Oh.

Kate: I hate this woman so much.

Erica: I mean, it looks beautiful, it really does. And she’s all happy and glowy. I guess she’s pleased to be back with her boyfriend Chris Brown. Look, Rihanna, I know you love him and you feel all giddy now. But has he gone to anger management therapy? Has he confronted his demons? Found Jesus? Done anything to make you think he’s not going to hit you again? Or has he tattooed your bruised face to his neck and dressed like a terrorist for Halloween?

Kate:  I mean, her forehead is so big, I don’t understand why she just doesn’t wear bangs. And this was WAY too sheer in the front. #Nips

Erica: I’m just saying, RiRi, you sing a lot of songs about how you should not be trusted to make your own decisions, especially when it comes to love. But look, when you need us, my daughter Zoe and I will be there for you. You can come stay at our house and we will feed you and play Just Dance with you. Zoe will still love you.

Kate: Ew.

Alicia Keys

Erica: Okay, that’s a little funky. Way more glam than funky, but . . . with stomach cut-outs? That I actually think look good?

Kate: Oh I like this much better than what she wore to perform!

Erica: Oh, totes. That is some weirdly proportioned sh!t right there.

Taylor Swift

Erica: Well, no one expects Taylor Swift to be funky. God, I hate this twit. Not in the least because “We Are Never, Never, Never Getting Back Together” will never, never, never leave my head.

Kate: I actually really like this dress and minus all the silvery meshy things in the middle/on the side, and the cutouts, it is similar to the wedding dress I am designing for myself in my head.

Erica:  Well, I am a little meh about the dress. I liked it at first glance, but the more I look at it, the more the proportions are a little weird and I don’t love the slits. On the plus side, my Hebrew School kids wrote a pretty good parody of that song to go with the story of Judith.

Kate: Hah!

Erica: Now, I know you hate braids in general, and I like braids, but these braids are a little sloppy for the rest of the look/Taylor Swift’s image in general.

Kate: I have made my feelings about braids on the red carpet VERY clear.

Erica: So are they okay off the red carpet? Because I really think they’re kinda cute.

Kate: Only if your name is Moondance or you’re under the age of 10.

J. Lo

Kate: I screamed at the TV when she came on. This is HORRENDOUS. She is no longer the daring fashionista with Latina flavor who wore that green thing and looked good, she is now too old and too annoying to be wearing something so obnoxious.

Erica: Talk about a slit. Although you don’t have to be ageist about it.

Kate: The woman has a phenomenal body but I do NOT need to see that much of her leg, or anyone else’s for that matter.  And that bun? What is that bun? I put my hair in that bun every night before I go to bed. UGH!

Erica: J. Lo, I am not your gynecologist.

Kaley Cuoco

Erica: Now, it’s not clear to me what she’s doing here, but remember how bad she looked at the SAGs? She looks so much better here! Her hair isn’t all bizarre and her make-up makes her face look like that of a healthy young actress and not a dying prostitute circa 1894.

Kate: My roommate said she is dating a high-level CBS executive so that is why she is at everything now. But she looks like she is going to lunch with a friend, no?

Erica: True . . . but with a little more funky than anyone else has shown.

Beyonce

Erica: Now, what the f is going on here?

Kate: Apparently she and Kaley decided to wear what they wore to lunch that day. I was very disappointed in this.

Erica: I mean, this is Beyonce f*cking Knowles. This is looks less glamorous than what she usually wears to the supermarket.

Kate: I’m SAYING!

Katy Perry

Erica: Gah.

Kate: I think she is actually gorgeous, and I like that she’s one of the only people who ever wears colors like this, but this was not a good choice.

Erica: She is gorgeous, but Grandma Edith would have worn this dress. In her 80s. Why is Katy Perry who is not more than 25 wearing it?

Kate: She most certainly would not have. (But she would have had matching sneakers.)

Adele

Erica: Oh, dear.

Kate: No no no no no! She is an angel/goddess/saint and she looks so cute! At least she isn’t wearing black again, right?

Erica: I like the concept of the dress, and it’s kind of adorable and fun that the shoes match, and she’s lovely as ever, but the top is making her look really frumpy and square. Adele, darling, we have not dissimilar figures. And we need a little v or at least a scoop in our neck.

Kate: Fine, fair enough, but I like how it stands out from her other award show choices. And I think the length is actually great on her.

Erica: I mean, I love you, and you are perfection in all things. I just want to take a scissor to your neckline. That’s all.

Carly Rae Jepsen

Kate: So bad! Why would this cutesy little pop princess go for the vamp look at her first big awards show? Why why why?

Erica: Especially since it might also be her last!

Florence Welch

Kate: I can’t believe this is Givenchy.

Erica: See? They aren’t infallible.

Kate: It actually would be quite swell without all the horns/thorns/whatever you want to call them; I love the color and THIS (ahem, Jennifer Lopez) is the appropriate use of a slit.

Erica: Color, yes. Slit, yes. Material? Bleh. Shape? Bleh.

Kate: But…Bad lipstick.

Faith Hill

Kate: You know, I actually loved this during the show.

Erica: Yeah, I loved my first glimpse of it, too.

Kate: But now I see I don’t love the length, and the shoes do not look good with it. I still think it’s funky and cool and you can never go wrong with a little black and a little lace, I always say.

Erica: Shoes could definitely be cooler. But overall, a good look.

Kate: In two weeks is the BIG ONE guys…OSCARS!!! If anyone wears pants, belts, headbands and/or braids, or any combination of the four, I may denounce Hollywood altogether. Stay tuned.

Golden Globes!

I just looked and realized this never went up! So here it is, and I’ll have the SAGs up later today.

The 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards were last night! Who won? Who cares?! Let’s talk about dresses. And any other idle thoughts that pop into my head.

Amanda Peet

My favorite columnist Cynthia Heimel once wrote a column called “How to Get a Man (I’m Serious).” In it, she went over all the usual stupid advice and then said this:

If he’s the wrong man, you can turn yourself inside out with wiles and perfume and French-maid’s outfits and nothing will work. You’ll never get him, you’ll never keep him, you don’t have a chance.

If he’s the right man, you can have greasy hair, spinach in your teeth, and your skirt on inside out, and he’ll still be entranced and follow you to the ends of the earth.

As an example, she brought up her friend Nora, who had a rough break-up. Cynthia suggested that maybe she should dress sexier. “You look like you’re wearing a series of lampshades,” she told her friend Nora. Low and behold, Nora’s Mr. Right came along, loving her series-of-lampshade outfits.

Maybe Amanda Peet is trying to bag Nora’s boyfriend.

(An unrelated anecdote: I discovered Cynthia Heimel as a fairly young teen in a bookstore. I saw a book with the title Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth, I’m Kissing You Good-Bye and knew I had found a lifelong idol. And then I got her Sex Tips for Girls, thinking the title was, um, tongue-in-cheek, like the last one, but no, it’s really a sex tips book, albeit a super-funny and irreverent and perhaps not comprehensive one. So, J, if we ever meet her – if it please God – you’ve got a lot to thank her for.

But I only had her books. I knew she wrote for Playboy throughout the eighties and early nineties, but I was born in 1981. None of my guy friends had Playboys old enough. Then when I was in college my friend and I were in a vintage store on Mass Ave and I spotted a Playboy from the 1960s out of the corner of my eye. I made some comment about being in the market for 1980s Playboys and the clerk directed me to a vintage desk, the bottom drawer of which was full of exactly what I was looking for. My dear and obviously very patient friend looked through them with me to find the ones with columns that weren’t in books I owned. I finally left that store with 20 “vintage” Playboys, which I carted around with me for a while before finally deciding I could just make photocopies of the column. But they were pretty fascinating. There was an article from a 1983-or-so issue about AIDS. You know, before we figured out what AIDS was.)

Amy Poehler (with husband Will Arnett)

You know? I think she looks pretty good. I frequently think she makes very weird choices for herself on the red carpet (or someone makes weird choices for her) but her hair looks good, her make-up looks good, and the dress . . . well, it’s not a great dress. But at least it doesn’t look like a wetsuit.

Andie MacDowell

How old is she now? What has she been doing lately? Because she looks really good. The dress is inoffensive if boring, but she looks sort of glow-y and fabulous. Seriously, how old is she now?

Angelina Jolie (with husband Brad Pitt) (in case you didn’t recognize him)

Okay, Kate, I know you hate her because you’re on Team Jennifer and isn’t she evil with her man-stealing and adopting children and formerly being sort of goth and maybe kissing her brother and not seeming to give a flying fuck what people think of her, but seriously? I f-ing love this dress. I mean, I love it. In a way, it’s almost like she’s being a caricature of Angelina Jolie – sexy, curvy, glamorous, a little cold and maybe a little evil-looking, with the matching red lips and purse, but also awesome.

Brad? Cut your hair.

Ariel Winter

You know, I’m getting the feeling that Ariel Winter the person is not at all like her character in Modern Family. Not that she has to be. But Alex Dunphy would die rather than wear that dress.

How do I feel about it? Love the bodice, hate the skirt, think she’s too damn young for the whole thing. (Commence pearl-clutching.)

Charlize Theron

I first saw a picture of this from, like, the bust up. I thought she looked fabulous. Then I saw the skirt. Oh, the skirt. Charlize. Seriously. You’re stunningly, otherworldly beautiful. You’re like an artificial creation of what the most perfectly gorgeous woman would look like if such a person could really exist, only you really do. And to top it off, you’re a really good actress.Young Adult was all you. It was a decent movie, made a really fantastic movie based purely on how good you were at playing your character. (I mean, I enjoy me some Patton Oswalt, but you carried Young Adult.)

So I guess, as good as you are, if you want to wear a giant poof on your skirt and that weird, reverse-mullet skirt (party in the front, business in the back) thing, then I guess you can. I just refuse to like it.

Claire Danes

When it comes down to it, I suppose that nothing, including a bra, could have saved that dress. So it’s just as well you didn’t wear one.

Connie Britton

Okay, the dress isn’t as fancy as I think it ought to be, or at least I think you need to wear a little more bling or something with it. But you look very nice.

But you’re making that face again. That “What am I doing here?” face. We’ve gone over this. You’re fabulous. You deserve to be at the Golden Globes. So wipe that look off your face before it freezes like that.

Dianna Agron

Wow. I don’t think you’ve gone there before. This is feisty. This is memorable. This is fierce.

Well, okay, the bodice is. The skirt then devolves into curtains in a bordello. Correction: curtains in a cheap bordello.

Still, it’s a lot more sophisticated and interesting than you usually go and the color looks fabulous on you.

Emma Stone

I love it. I mean, the skirt’s got a weird string-y looking thing happening and I kind of in general hate belts on evening dresses and those weird little shoulder pads like you’re an alien species in a SyFy miniseries . . .

Wait, why do I love it?

Oh, the colors are fabulous on you with your alabaster skiing and your gorgeous hair. And your make-up looks perfect and the dress very flattering and sexy without being slutty or excessively “I’m hot, okay? Stop talking about Ryan Gosling!”

And also I just love you. Please call me. We’d totally be good friends.

Evan Rachel Wood

I don’t care what anyone else says, I love it. It’s dramatic and cool and glamourous and even little amusing in a way, with the scales that turn into feathers like she’s some sort of mythological mermaid/harpy hybrid, which is just awesome. If I had a body that could carry it and an occasion that called for some serious amazing-ness, I would totally wear this dress.

I wouldn’t dye my hair that color. But I would wear an awesome smile that tells the world exactly how much I love my dress, like she is.

George Clooney and Date

George Clooney’s date is blonde. I thought he went for brunettes. Sigh.

Heidi Klum

From the back? Whoa, mama!

Wait, is that a little turquoise I see around her neck? That’s great, with her coloring and that dress, turquoise. Let me get a closer look.

Oh. That’s disappointing.

Jessica Biel

I aggressively hate this. I hate the sort of sad-wedding-dress look of it. I hate the ill-fittingness of it. It looks dirty and weirdly proportioned and confused. Like, why the sleeves and the prim neckline and then the slit up to your gynecologist’s office? Hate.

But she looks great. Her hair, her skin, her face. She looks so young and healthy and beautiful and I say this as a person who is not much of a Jessica Biel fan. So maybe she really likes the dress and feels great in it. They say dress in what you love, right?

Jessica Alba

This is already hitting as a top dress of the evening. I feel sort of meh about it. I don’t love the color for her and I think it’s sort of boring and old-looking. But I guess I am wrong.

Jodie Foster

I love the color but doesn’t it look sort of like it’s not really on her but just in front of her? I am reminded of that dress that Vincent of Season 3 of Project Runway made, the episode he inexplicably stayed in and Alison, who I loved, was voted off.

See what I mean? This dress (which, okay, he made out of trash) just sort of hung inches from the model’s body, and I know sometimes fashion is supposed to be “sculptural,” but sometimes that looks holy-shit-awesome and sometimes it just looks like you didn’t take the time to figure out what an actual woman’s body was going to look like in a dress. And that’s kind of how I feel about Jodie Foster’s dress. Or maybe she’s just standing awkwardly or it’s a bad picture. I don’t know.

Julianna Marguiles

Every time I see her picture I think, “Why did I stop watching The Good Wife? I really liked that show.” But that’s neither here nor there.

This isn’t an awful dress – the color is great, it’s slinky and a nice material – but she needs a better bra. And earrings that . . . relate. And hair that’s not in the same style as mine is right now.

And it needs a hem.

She normally looks fabulous on the red carpet. I don’t know what’s up with this.

Julie Bowen

I get what she was going for here, but . . . no. Hair too blonde. Dress too pale. Waistline defined weirdly. Skirt too long. Body simply not curvy enough to pull this off. She looks like a girl dressing up in Mommy’s clothes. (If one had a fabulous Mommy.) It’s just not coming together right.

Kate Winslet

Hair? Fabulous. Face? Fierce. (Both in terms of make-up and expression.)

Dress? Meh. She does look thicker than usual, but that’s not what’s bothering me. I just kind of hate it. Black and white color-blocks always look waitstaff-y to me, even when the white’s on the bottom and the black’s on the top. The sleeves are weird. The gape around her breasts is weird and revealing without being sexy. The white skirt is boring and tablecloth-like.

Maybe it’s just that my expectations for Kate Winslet on the red carpet are so high, she can’t meet them anymore.

Katherine McPhee

This is in strong contention for my favorite of the night. She looks positively lovely. I’m really into the thing that’s happening on the bottom there.

Kelly Osborn

So I get that the silver-white hair on a not-old person is, like, edgy-cool. You know. But I feel like, first of all, Kelly Osborn and I have gone through some similar body issues, and if your body is already heading in the potentially-frumpy direction, you don’t do anything that might actually make it easier for you to be mistaken for an old lady. I mean, her body looks great right now, but I do feel that adopting old-people looks works better on the otherwise slim-nearly-to-the-point-of-prepubescence. Second, I feel that, especially if you are at a fancy, red-carpet-like event, you can do one old-lady thing. You can have silver hair OR a dress that would look more suitable on Helen Mirren (or whoever Helen Mirren’s equivalent was in 1985). Not both.

Laura Linney

The woman can act the hell out of anything. But she cannot, apparently, hire a stylist.

Lea Michele

Oh, lordy.

I’m a little at a loss. I don’t understand what would possess a person such as Lea Michele – who is gorgeous, extremely talented, and only twenty-five years old – to choose this garment. This would have been fabulous on a Dallas trophy wife going to a fundraiser in 1987. Fabulous in a “Is that whore trying to steal my husband? Or is she going to whip off that skirt and go figure-skating?” way. Cher would have rejected this as being too tacky and over-bedazzled. Dolly Parton would think this is a little much.

I just . . . I don’t get it.

On another note, a recent InStyle featured her on their “10 Best Looks . . . Ever!” page. She’s been in the spotlight (on television, I mean, not on stage) for, like, three years. I mean, if they had included what she’d worn to a cast party of Les Mis when she was eight, then fine, the “. . . Ever!” would have made sense. But they didn’t.

And this dress is definitely not going to make any future “Best” lists.

Good lord.

Melissa McCarthy

Designers, do you not understand that more women look like Melissa McCarthy than like, say, Jessica Alba? Can you please figure out how to dress us?

Also, hair? No.

Meryl Streep

does not have to give a flying fuck what I or anyone else thinks about her dress.

Missi Pyle

I’m only vaguely aware of who Missi Pyle is. But I kind of love her dress. That color is definitely one that cannot be ignored, and rock on, her, for wearing it.

Morena Baccarin

I don’t know who she is, either, but she’s beautiful.

Natalie Portman

She looks like a little kid playing dress-up in Marilyn Monroe’s clothes. And I mean that in a totally good way.

Nicole Kidman

Look, this dress has created the appearance of breasts on Nicole Kidman. It must be one hell of a dress on that alone. Miraculous, even.

And actually, I like it on its merits, too. I love the color, I love the shape, I love the embellishments. It’s been a while since Nicole Kidman has worn something I’ve loved but I’m happy to see it again.

Piper Perabo

Piper Perabo is still working? And being nominated for things? Why, for the love of all that is holy, is this so?

Reese Witherspoon

has definitely looked less like a generic California blonde in the past.

Sarah Michelle Gellar

If you wanted people to talk about you come Monday, you definitely achieved that.

The thing is, I’m just enough of a hippie weirdo to appreciate where this dress is coming from and what it’s supposed to be doing. Super-glam silhouette, tie-dye. And even like the way it looks on the bodice and the . . . uh . . . poof. (My fashion vocabulary only goes so far.) But the whole thing looks like a giant joke she’s playing on the fashion-and-celeb-watching community.

And okay, I’m laughing.

The Deschanels

Zooey looks like she usually does. It’s not my favorite but it’s fine. Although, again, hem. What, are the tailors and seamstresses in L.A. on strike?

But, Bones, what are you doing? I know you just had a baby but there are fashionable and attractive ways to dress a body that, while fantastic, is maybe not as slim as it once was. You don’t have to wrap it in a blue polyester sheet and belt it like a bathrobe.

I mean, I am sympathetic with the just-having-had-a-baby feeling. I have only just come to the re-realization that, no really, sweatpants aren’t okay in public, and yes, even under a winter coat, I should wear an actual bra with a wire and all. But if that’s how you feel, just stay home. Don’t make your already-beleagured body walk around in that.

Tilda Swinton

Tilda Swinton, you go on with your bad self.

Tina Fey

finally dressed like she thinks she belongs there. Good job.

Viola Davis

looks fan-fucking-tastic.

Kate?