Grammys 2019

Well, people, this is late and it’s really all your fault. Absent my darling sister, I wanted to include you; I thought we could have a good time together. But I guess not. So here I will be, trying to figure out who at the Grammys I should give a damn about.

Cardi B

 

I have, in fact, heard of this person, and know that she is a BFD! I could not hum for you a lick of her work, nor quote a single lyric, but I know she is important.

As is this ensemble! I’d say we are witnessing a moment here. This dress will be mentioned in the same breath as J.Lo’s bathrobe, as Bjork’s swan, as that time Sharon Stone paired a poofy skirt with a tee shirt from the Gap. And I love it. I think it is the most fabulous and she’s wearing the hell out of it.

Now, she did change by the time she accepted her award for reasons that I’m sure make sense to somebody, and her award-accepting ensemble is also quite nice, but it is not the Moment that her red carpets ensemble is.

 

Lady Gaga

 

I know her, too! I can even sing some of her hit songs! I especially love singing “Bad Romance” in the voice that Zoe used to sing it when she was two! Zoe also enjoys me doing this, which is fun and probably won’t last long.

I cannot sing any part of the song(s?) for which she was actually nominated last night. And I’m not seeing the movie. I don’t sign myself up for entertainment experiences that are going to make me cry. Unless they’re made by Pixar. But anyway, on to the outfit, which is glam but a little boring for her and I don’t love the super dark roots with the super light blonde hair but also she apparently gave a fabulous acceptance speech about mental health so good on her.

 

Janelle Monae

You know, normally I really embrace her weird, but I’m not loving this. I think the problem is that I don’t get it. It’s still well-executed. I think it just doesn’t call to my mind a fantasy that engages me. I think it’s sort of supposed to evoke Grace Jones and the eighties, and that aesthetic is not my preferred aesthetic.

I think I enjoyed her performance ensemble more, although it was less weird.

 

Kacey Musgraves

I get the feeling that if I were paying any attention at all, I would enjoy Kacey Musgraves’s music. But also, I thought I knew who she was, but this is not at all the face I thought she had? Nor the age I thought she was? And the dress looks like it’s going to expose her bosoms any second now. Which might be a more appealing look if it had, say, the coyness of a Gil Elvgren pin-up, but because the waist is placed too low, and the overall color has that sort of dishwasher dinge about it, it just looks like your aunt got drunk and developed a plan to seduce the UPS delivery guy.

 

Chloe x Halle

I don’t know who these two are but they look adorable.

 

Bebe Rexha

I think she is more impressed with this dress than I am. Yes, there is a lot of floof, but otherwise it’s not that creative or different or interesting, which is fine, but she kept posing like this, which makes me think she thinks she’s having a fashion Moment, which she is not.

 

Camila Cabello

I do not really like the arrivals dress, primarily because it is not my thing, although it is a good example of the kind of thing it is and her ass, as she clearly realizes, looks fantastic.

I do really love the performance look.

 

Taylor Swift

Oh, Taylor. This is your “I’m a bad girl now not a good girl like I used to be but a bad girl because all these people have been so mean to me so I am THROUGH being a good girl I’m going to wear a slutty black dress that looks like it’s maybe see-through AND YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING TO STOP ME I dug my own grave mothafuckahs and I killed good girl Taylor and now I’m bad girl Taylor I hope you got the memo” look, isn’t it?

You’re going to be thirty this year, honey. You are too old for teenage rebellion. Calm down.

I mean, you look good, although in some pictures it looks like the person who did your lipstick was really, really trying hard to remember what human lips look like. But also, don’t be a child, okay?

 

Katy Perry

Katy Perry looks like cotton candy as designed by Dr. Seuss, which I’m sure was what she was going for, so good job, Katy Perry.

 

Toni Braxton

Is that seriously what Toni Braxton looks like right now? I mean, yes, the face has clearly had some assistance in continuing to look like that, but seriously? Damn, girl. Continue walking that fine, nearly naked self around town like you don’t have to give a fuck because you look good.

 

Heidi Klum

This is a return to whackadoo form for Heidi, who has been stunningly normal of late. But it is well-executed whackadoo, and she still looks like Heidi Fucking Klum, so that’s a plus.

(Have y’all noticed that when Kate’s not around, I curse a lot more? I’m sure she has.)

 

Anna Kendrick

This is a massive departure for Anna Kendrick and I’m not sure I’m in favor of it, although she wears it well. The dress accomplishes what it sets out to accomplish and her hair and make up and jewelry are understated enough but also in keeping with the overall look. I just don’t really like it.

 

Ella Mai

 

I don’t know who this is and I don’t know if she’s pregnant or what but I really kind of love the dress, how she wore it, and how confident she looks in it.

 

Jennifer Lopez

Is the hat some indication that she’s going to start thinking she’s British, like Madonna did for a little while? I don’t know. I like hats but I don’t know that this hat makes sense with this dress, which does look very nice on her, and her makeup is on point. But I just don’t know.

So that’s it, people. That’s all you get. You wouldn’t help me, so I just went with people I recognized and/or had interesting outfits. For the record, Cardi B was obviously the best-dressed person ever, for the whole season, and possibly for the whole decade. Of the people I covered, I liked Kacey Musgraves’s outfit the least.