Grammys 2014

Erica: So . . . I don’t know who any of these people are. I’m really trying to keep up with contemporary music, but . . . yeah.

Kate: Since I don’t even listen to the radio anymore I am often 3 months late on “new” songs, and barely have any idea who these people are myself. Doesn’t mean I can’t critique their fashion (or lack thereof) choices!

Erica: Also, my theme of the night will be, “No one got funky enough!”

Alicia Keys

Alicia Keys Grammys 2014

Erica: See, this is a little boring. I mean, I’m appreciating that this bright cobalt is apparently the color of the year, and that’s great, but . . . haven’t we seen this dress on Alicia Keys before? In black?

Kate: Yes this is her usual style, and I do love the color, but this looked very unflattering when I was watching on TV so the photo is misleading.

Erica: Her hair and make-up look very nice. Well, her make-up does. Her hair is a little too . . . structured? For my tastes, anyway.

Kate: The hair is a little too Danny Zuko for me.

Anna Faris

Anna Faris Grammys 2014

Erica: See, she looks beautiful . . . for the Oscars. The color looks great on her, her choices when it comes to accessories, hair and make-up are understated and strike the right note. But it’s the Grammys!

Kate: I like the dress itself but I actually think the color is a little drab, as is the color of her hair (too close to the color of her skin!), and up close her makeup looked awful. Like grey soot was around her eyes.

Erica: I mean, it’s not clear to me what she’s doing there in the first place. She’s a comedic actress, not a musician. But, being that she’s known for her goofball persona, couldn’t she have goofed it up a little here?

Kate: My thoughts exactly.

Anna Kendrick

Anna Kendrick 2014 Grammys

Erica: Well, this is definitely more Grammys-ish – but I don’t love it. The color is a little me and it doesn’t really fit her persona or body type.

Kate: Disagree, I love this! She looked pretty hot when she presented on stage, and I need those shoes. I do think it would have been just fine without the holes in the middle.

Erica: That, by the way, is what I wish my hair looked like every day.

Kate: Well, duh. It’s totes Tammy Taylor.

Ariana Grande

Ariana Grande Grammys 2014

Erica: It is not clear to me who this person is, although I did learn that she has an opinion on Justin Bieber, which I suppose tells me everything I need to know. But I think she looks adorable. I’m not a fan of the dark-on-top, light-on-the-bottom “reverse ombre” that seems popular this season, but overall I like it. It’s got a distinct personality and character and she seems to have a little attitude.

Kate: See this is a little too Jessica McClintock prom for me. The shape works, and I do like the pumps, but it’s just not working for me. People were raving about her “pony tail”, which drove me mad because it’s really a half-pony, which is WAY too casual for any event fancier than cleaning your house. In the 80s.

Ashanti

Ashanti Grammys 2014

Erica: On the one hand, this is doing all kinds of weird things to her hips and damn, it is short. On the other hand, Grammys! I like it.

Kate: Good grief I didn’t see this last night, it’s terribly unflattering on her. Cool pattern, though.

Beyonce 

Beyonce Grammys 2014

Erica: She is the queen of everything, isn’t she?

Kate: No, no she is not. The only thing about her that impresses me these days is her body – specifically her teeny-tiny waist in proportion to her massive (in a good way) butt and thighs, and nice-sized boobs.

Erica: Again, HATE the hair color situation. But other than that? This is how you do it.

Kate: The dress is fine, but I really don’t like her hair like that, nor do I like the dark red lipstick. She looks better in a pale lip.

Beyonce Grammys 2014 stage

Erica: No, wait, I made a mistake. THIS is how you do it.

Kate: Humping a chair, and then your husband, on stage, in a thong bodysuit, with wet hair, is how you do it? No. Dislike.

Erica: It was totally hot.

Colbie Caillat

Colbie Caillat Grammys 2014

Erica: This is so weird. The combo of the figure-skater bodice with that . . . shoulder thing? And the hair? Too weird.

Kate: I know, it almost worked as edgy and fun for the Grammys, and the color is fab, but that half-turtleneck is killing me. Top knot is too casual.

Erica: I think I’m abusing the ellipses in this post. I’m sorry, ellipses.

Cyndi Lauper

Cyndi Lauper Grammys 2014

Erica: Okay, one of two things is happening here. Either Cyndi Lauper is the only person who knows how to do the Grammys, or I am the oldest person ever.

Kate: Kate: I can get behind the top, even the cape portion, but the jewel thing is way too aggressive and I HATE the way the bottom of those pants hit those shoes! So unprofesh!

Giuliana Rancic

Giuliana Rancic Grammys 2014

Erica: This is a hard color to pull off. I don’t think her skin tone is quite right. But it’s not bad.

Kate: She is honestly one of my best dressed of the night. I love her hair like that and she wore the perfect earrings for that hairstyle and dress. She usually wears too-elaborate dresses for award shows when she is just the interviewer, whereas this is the right amount of I-should-not-be-in-the-spotlight fab.

Gloria Estefan

Gloria Estefan Grammys 2014

Erica: Oh, Gloria Estefan. You are so fabulous. This dress is decidedly not.

Kate: It would be without the sleeves, I think. But she has not aged badly!

Erica: I’m sorry, but the lace looks like something she got off an aging courtesan at a brothel gone to seed.

Kacey Musgraves

Kacey Musgraves Grammys 2014 arrivals

Erica: So I didn’t know who this person was. And then I put on the Spotify Grammy nominees playlist while I wrote this post and realized I did know who she was and I kind of like her. She’s a little young and child-like in her music but also cute and pleasant.

Kate: She is gorgeous. I dig the fabric of this dress, but I hate the silhouette.

Erica: This dress is an unfortunate choice. I like what she wore on stage and later to the after-party (Yes, the same outfit! On stage and to the after-party! It can be done!) in that it’s very silly and has  lots of personality and she’s young and pretty enough to pull it off.

Kate: Oh yes I kind of adore this and think she should have worn it on the red carpet, on stage and to the after-party. She seriously has a gorgeous face.

Kasey Musgraves Grammys 2014

Erica: Plus her shoes are all kinds of insane. In a good way.

Kasey Musgraves Grammys 2014 shoes

Katy Perry

Katy Perry Grammys 2014 arrivals

Erica: This is very silly. In not as good a way as Kacey Musgrave’s silliness.

Kate: Yup I hate it.

Erica: Her hair is also very structured. I guess it’s a thing this season. I don’t like it.

Kate: I am actually a big fan of the quinceanera bun, when done right. This is outrageously over-the-top. Like, I feel like it may fall off.

Erica: This is what she wore to the after-party.

Katy Perry Grammys 2014

Erica: I mean, I like the color on her. But that’s doing some super-weird things to her boobs and waistline.

Kate: This looks like an adult-size version of something on one of Zoe’s toys. Hate. And the bun is clearly fake hair as her hair was down and wavy after her performance and the remainder of the show, and then magically put back up in this bun for the after-party.

Erica: Tricksy!

Madonna

Madonna Grammys 2014

Erica: Madonna still does what she does best – attract attention.

Kate: She looks decrepit. Like I actually winced watching her on the pre-show and during her performance.

Erica: Do you suppose her other kids were pissed or grateful to be left out of this?

Kate: Decrepit.

Madonna Grammys 2014 stage

Erica: And if you’re going to wear something else for your performance, shouldn’t it be, like, actually different?

Kate: Not when you’re decrepit Madonna.

Erica: Whatever. She’s Madonna. Nothing will dim her star status.

Kate: Except maybe her newfound decrepitness.

Mary Lambert

Mary Lambert Grammys 2014

Erica: Pretty! Although – and now you’ll know I’m about 187 years old – I feel like the tattoo messes it all up. It’s not part of the elegant-glam look.

Kate: Completely agree. I like this a lot better than her VMA dress.

Erica: I feel like we can’t really do this post if we don’t comment on the mass wedding that took place during her song with Macklemore, though.

Kate: At first I thought it was really sweet, and then I thought it kind of made a spectacle of gay marriage. They have a good message, though, so I won’t get too up in arms about it.

Erica: I still don’t know how to feel about it. On the one hand, Yay, gay marriage! Yay, weddings! Aw, did you see those two girls crying as they kissed? That was so nice! On the other hand . . . something about it left a weird taste in my mouth. Maybe because mass weddings have cultish overtones?

Kate: Maybe because of the spectacle aspect.

Miranda Lambert (with Blake Shelton) 

Miranda Lambert Grammys 2014

Erica: I have lately come to like these two. I know it’s country for people who don’t really know country. But I am a person who doesn’t really know country. But they look like people going to two different events. They look very nice for those events, but different.

Kate: Ditto, I actually really like this dress. I do not like her hair and earrings, though, and I really like her performance look, probably better than this dress:

image001

Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton Grammys 2014

pErica: Okay, yes, I don’t know why she’s there, or why she continues to be famous at all, blah blah blah. But seriously? This is awful. And awful in a way that’s not usual to Paris Hilton.

Kate: I know, and people friggin’ loved this! Same hair as Alicia Keys, makeup fine whatever, dress? BLEH! YUCK!

Erica: This is what she wore to the after-party:

Paris Hilton Grammys 2014 afterparty

Erica: And it’s much more in keeping with her overall personal and for that alone I kind of like it.

P!nk

Pink Grammys 2014

Erica: First of all, your name is P!nk! You can’t wear red!

Kate: Oh see I like this.

Erica: Second of all, it’s the Grammys and you’re P!nk! Funk it up a little!

Kate: True, but I think this fits her well. Better than her usual looks.

Queen Latifah

Queen Latifah Grammys 2014

Erica: You look very nice, Queen Latifah.

Kate: Loooooooooooooooooove. Lerve lerve lerve.

Erica: Like I would ever say anything bad about you. Do you want go out for a cup of coffee some time?

Kate: Sure she does!

Erica: With me, I mean.

Sara Bareilles

Sara Bareilles Grammys 2014

Erica: She’s a very beautiful woman normally. Right now, she looks like an anti-Semitic caricature. (I’m allowed to say that; I’m Jewish.) Also that dress is awful. I’m NOT fan of the mullet skirt or the fluffiness or the general unflatteringness of an actually fantastic body.

Kate: Yea this is a little much. Would it be cute without the tail thing? Like if it were just cocktail length?

Erica: Since I like her in general, I must give props to the red-orange heels with the white. I like that decision.

Kate: True.

Erica: She doesn’t look any better on stage, although she does get to sing with Carole King and I don’t.

Sara Bareilles Grammys 2014 stage

Kate: Oh I like this dress better than the white!

Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift 2014 Grammys

Erica: So I’m not a big Taylor Swift fan or anything. I can bop to some of her songs just fine, but I don’t (godforbid) actually like her or anything. And I hate her public persona. I mean, really, girl? Your first big hit is about how you’re so much better a girlfriend than that cheerleading slut and you’re going to call out TINA FEY and AMY POEHLER for not “supporting” other women? Because they gently teased you about your boyfriends? Come on. And I know that she’s usually held up as a better “role model” for her teen audience than all the trashy sluts who are also pop stars. But for my money, “prissy, judge-y hypocrite” is not really better than “trashy slut,” and I dislike the “trashy slut” persona of pop stars more for its inauthenticity and puerile appeal than the notion that pubescent girls and their post-pubescent role models should pretend never to have had a sexual feeling or thought in their lives. And now I’m going into a whole ‘mother blog post, when all I really mean to say is, much as I don’t love Taylor Swift (although I don’t heavily object to her music), I think she really has a handle on dressing herself.

Kate: Yes, I like this dress a lot, and I really like her pony tail and the darker hair (for her) in general. I think the makeup is fantastic. My issue with her is her overpresence in life. Grammys, she should be there. She’s nominated almost every year. Golden Globes and Oscars? No. If she’s invited, I should be invited.

Erica: I like what she wore on stage better, actually – but she always looks very pretty and well-put-together.

Taylor Swift Grammys 2014

Kate: Yes I adore the on-stage dress and hair, and am grateful she did a nice sit-down piano routine instead of her usual spectacle.

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Grammys 2013

Erica: Grammy time! You know what I love about the Grammys?

Kate: What?

Erica: At the Grammys, celebs tend to go a little nuts with their look. You know, it’s music! It’s rock and roll! It’s . . .

Carrie Underwood

Carrie Underwood - Grammys 2013

Erica: Hey, wait a second.

Kate: I am a new fan of Carrie so I like this, but I don’t think the necklace matches. And she fooled me with her hair because I thought it looked so cute at that length and then she turned around and there was a whole lot more/longer hair in the back, which I didn’t feel was necessary.

Erica: Well, she is a country star, so I guess funky is not to be expected. And I’m used to seeing Carrie Underwood dress like she’s an aging country star, so this is definitely an improvement.

Kate: Are you nuts? She dresses so cute!

Erica:  On the red carpet, I’ve mainly seen her in things that would be appropriate on a woman at least twenty years her senior. This is very beautiful. The details are interesting and pretty. She looks good.

Erica: But surely someone must have brought the funk, right? Like Rihanna! She’s always very interesting with her fashion choices!

Rihanna

Rihanna - Grammys 2013

Erica: Oh.

Kate: I hate this woman so much.

Erica: I mean, it looks beautiful, it really does. And she’s all happy and glowy. I guess she’s pleased to be back with her boyfriend Chris Brown. Look, Rihanna, I know you love him and you feel all giddy now. But has he gone to anger management therapy? Has he confronted his demons? Found Jesus? Done anything to make you think he’s not going to hit you again? Or has he tattooed your bruised face to his neck and dressed like a terrorist for Halloween?

Kate:  I mean, her forehead is so big, I don’t understand why she just doesn’t wear bangs. And this was WAY too sheer in the front. #Nips

Erica: I’m just saying, RiRi, you sing a lot of songs about how you should not be trusted to make your own decisions, especially when it comes to love. But look, when you need us, my daughter Zoe and I will be there for you. You can come stay at our house and we will feed you and play Just Dance with you. Zoe will still love you.

Kate: Ew.

Alicia Keys

Alicia Keys - Grammys 2013

Erica: Okay, that’s a little funky. Way more glam than funky, but . . . with stomach cut-outs? That I actually think look good?

Kate: Oh I like this much better than what she wore to perform!

Alicia Keys - performance - Grammys 2013

Erica: Oh, totes. That is some weirdly proportioned sh!t right there.

Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift - Grammys 2013

Erica: Well, no one expects Taylor Swift to be funky. God, I hate this twit. Not in the least because “We Are Never, Never, Never Getting Back Together” will never, never, never leave my head.

Kate: I actually really like this dress and minus all the silvery meshy things in the middle/on the side, and the cutouts, it is similar to the wedding dress I am designing for myself in my head.

Erica:  Well, I am a little meh about the dress. I liked it at first glance, but the more I look at it, the more the proportions are a little weird and I don’t love the slits. On the plus side, my Hebrew School kids wrote a pretty good parody of that song to go with the story of Judith.

Kate: Hah!

Taylor Swift hair - Grammys 2013

Erica: Now, I know you hate braids in general, and I like braids, but these braids are a little sloppy for the rest of the look/Taylor Swift’s image in general.

Kate: I have made my feelings about braids on the red carpet VERY clear.

Erica: So are they okay off the red carpet? Because I really think they’re kinda cute.

Kate: Only if your name is Moondance or you’re under the age of 10.

J. Lo

J Lo - Grammys 2013

Kate: I screamed at the TV when she came on. This is HORRENDOUS. She is no longer the daring fashionista with Latina flavor who wore that green thing and looked good, she is now too old and too annoying to be wearing something so obnoxious.

Erica: Talk about a slit. Although you don’t have to be ageist about it.

Kate: The woman has a phenomenal body but I do NOT need to see that much of her leg, or anyone else’s for that matter.  And that bun? What is that bun? I put my hair in that bun every night before I go to bed. UGH!

Erica: J. Lo, I am not your gynecologist.

Kaley Cuoco

Kaley Cuoco - Grammys 2013

Erica: Now, it’s not clear to me what she’s doing here, but remember how bad she looked at the SAGs? She looks so much better here! Her hair isn’t all bizarre and her make-up makes her face look like that of a healthy young actress and not a dying prostitute circa 1894.

Kate: My roommate said she is dating a high-level CBS executive so that is why she is at everything now. But she looks like she is going to lunch with a friend, no?

Erica: True . . . but with a little more funky than anyone else has shown.

Beyonce

Beyonce - Grammys 2013

Erica: Now, what the f is going on here?

Kate: Apparently she and Kaley decided to wear what they wore to lunch that day. I was very disappointed in this.

Erica: I mean, this is Beyonce f*cking Knowles. This is looks less glamorous than what she usually wears to the supermarket.

Kate: I’m SAYING!

Katy Perry

Katy Perry - Grammys 2013

Erica: Gah.

Kate: I think she is actually gorgeous, and I like that she’s one of the only people who ever wears colors like this, but this was not a good choice.

Erica: She is gorgeous, but Grandma Edith would have worn this dress. In her 80s. Why is Katy Perry who is not more than 25 wearing it?

Kate: She most certainly would not have. (But she would have had matching sneakers.)

Adele

Adele - Grammys 2013

Erica: Oh, dear.

Kate: No no no no no! She is an angel/goddess/saint and she looks so cute! At least she isn’t wearing black again, right?

Erica: I like the concept of the dress, and it’s kind of adorable and fun that the shoes match, and she’s lovely as ever, but the top is making her look really frumpy and square. Adele, darling, we have not dissimilar figures. And we need a little v or at least a scoop in our neck.

Kate: Fine, fair enough, but I like how it stands out from her other award show choices. And I think the length is actually great on her.

Erica: I mean, I love you, and you are perfection in all things. I just want to take a scissor to your neckline. That’s all.

Carly Rae Jepsen

Carly Rae Jepsen - Grammys 2013

Kate: So bad! Why would this cutesy little pop princess go for the vamp look at her first big awards show? Why why why?

Erica: Especially since it might also be her last!

Florence Welch

Florence Welch - Grammys 2013

Kate: I can’t believe this is Givenchy.

Erica: See? They aren’t infallible.

Kate: It actually would be quite swell without all the horns/thorns/whatever you want to call them; I love the color and THIS (ahem, Jennifer Lopez) is the appropriate use of a slit.

Erica: Color, yes. Slit, yes. Material? Bleh. Shape? Bleh.

Kate: But…Bad lipstick.

Faith Hill

Faith Hill - Grammys 2013

Kate: You know, I actually loved this during the show.

Erica: Yeah, I loved my first glimpse of it, too.

Kate: But now I see I don’t love the length, and the shoes do not look good with it. I still think it’s funky and cool and you can never go wrong with a little black and a little lace, I always say.

Erica: Shoes could definitely be cooler. But overall, a good look.

Kate: In two weeks is the BIG ONE guys…OSCARS!!! If anyone wears pants, belts, headbands and/or braids, or any combination of the four, I may denounce Hollywood altogether. Stay tuned.

Ennui

I know y’all are waiting on tenterhooks for my next post, and it is not forthcoming. I’m sorry. I mean, yeah, I’m busy. I’m writing fictional stuff; I’m on two committees; I’m churning out scripts for my Hebrew school stuff. But that’s not really the problem. It’s just that there are so many things that I have absolutely nothing to say anything about, and I used to. I came to this realization when it turned out Katy Perry’s not a feminist. Once upon a time I would have LOTS to say about a Katy Perry not being a feminist. What does she think feminism MEANS? Doesn’t she understand that she can do what she does because feminism? And what about her young fans, I ask you? What about the CHILDREN?

Now I say, eh. Did anyone think she was a feminist before? And if so, why?

The Petraeus scandal is sort of like that for me. I used to love sex scandals! I wrote a whole post about Senator John Ensign! Why can’t I bring myself to write about Petraeus?

I mean, first of all, the man has too many vowels in his last name. It’s confusing.

But I don’t know. The whole thing makes me uncomfortable. I mean, for starters, I have fuzzy but positive feelings towards Petraeus; he seems like a good dude. So when he cheats on his wife in what appears to be a fully consensual relationship with his biographer, I’m kind of going, “Well . . . shit happens.” I mean, he’s got a seriously high-pressure job; according to that tape Rachel Maddow talked about that WaPo released, he apparently hasn’t been home often enough to even see his house (and I know she thought the important things about this tape were that Fox News really is, no seriously, for reals, the media arm of the GOP, and that the CIA is basically in charge of modern warfare but I hear what I want to hear, alright?). And then there’s Paula Broadwell, and she’s younger and good-looking and spent all day every day staring adoringly at him and writing down all the things he said so she could write the glowing story of his life. How could he resist? And he was once called Supreme Allied Commander and was now the head of the CIA. He was hard at work keeping America safe, widely respected as intelligent and fair, and she was spending all day every day researching how awesome he is. How could she resist? And yeah, the e-mails and the Jill Kelly thing were kind of gross, and you do have to worry about the head of the United States’s spies not being able to keep an extra-marital affair a secret. But I’m hardly the first person to make that joke. So what am I supposed to say?

I think the election wiped me out. I mean, I wrote about the first round of awful things Republicans say about rape, but I couldn’t bring myself to write about the fifth because for serious, what are you supposed to say? Rape is bad. Men who don’t seem to believe that rape is bad are also bad. Rape needs a much longer and more complicated discussion in this country, not just about what should be the legal ramifications of acts, but how to create a society that’s a little more moral about, no, seriously, consent, that’s important. But I tried to write that post and went off my head (though this story has me thinking about it again).

So I will be back. I swear. I’ll try to write more regularly. As soon as I shake this blanket of ennui that I’m currently snuggling under.