Oscars 2019

Kate: I finally watched A Star Is Born, so I feel slightly more prepared for these here Oscars.

Erica: I have not watched, and will not watch, any iteration of that movie. I have, however, seen The Incredibles 2. So.

Kate: Why not? I mean it was definitely emotional but not as tough to watch as I had anticipated. And I am now obsessed with all the songs.

Erica: It’s the emotionalism. I just don’t want to sign up to feel that way. Also, I have not seen Bohemian Rhapsody and I wouldn’t describe myself as a huge Queen fan or anything, oh, and also, I have no rhythm, but even I know how to clap to We Will Rock You. A lot of the stars did not seem to have that down.

Kate: I thought that opening was awful.

 

Allison Janney

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Kate: Very chic but I would probably absolutely hate it on anyone else.

Erica: It’s an example of something that I don’t know if I love but it’s very well executed and she looks excellent. She’s so tall.

Kate: I think that middle part should have just been enough material to be a faux belt, all that extra looks weird.

 

Amy Adams

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Kate: Oh, very mermaidy. In a good way, I think.

Erica: It’s not bad but she looks very stiff. Like, more so than usual. Like she can’t quite stand right in it.

Kate: I like this more natural wavy hair on her (I know it’s not actually natural, but it has achieved the desired effect of appearing that way), but I do not think I would have gone with such a chunky necklace with the neckline and fabric of that gown.

Erica: Oh, I don’t mind the necklace. I think it looks nice.

 

Amy Poehler

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Kate: Meh, frumpy.

Erica: I mean, okay, you’re making a point. You’re dressed like an asexual man because boys are allowed to, and she’s not wrong, although the boys got a little creative this year. Not interesting enough to cover, but interesting. But also, it’s not cut great, the ruffle blouse looks a little dumb, and the pants look like they are a different black than the jacket. And her hair looks as well-styled as mine right now.

Kate: I shouldn’t expect much wow factor from her but I feel like we haven’t seen her on the red carpet in a while so maybe a little somethin’ somethin’ would have been good.

Erica: Honestly, I feel bad critiquing her, because she’s such a force for good in the world, but, you know. She’s here. She should dress a little better.

 

Angela Bassett

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Kate: It feels too done before.

Erica: She still looks pretty fab, though. I just maybe would have chosen a different lipstick color. And the hair is a little…I don’t mind that it’s stretching the bounds of believability, but I do think it interrupts the line of her dress.

Kate: She does make some great facial expressions.

 

Bette Midler

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Erica: I didn’t see her on the red carpet so I can only evaluate her performance gown. Which I don’t not much like, but I suspect it’s supposed to marry an “I’m performing at the Oscars” look with the sensibility of Mary Poppins, in which case it probably works, and also, she looks pretty good for an old lady and her performance was, as ever, charming (though I prefer her winkingly naughty to sincerely balladic).

Kate: I don’t think she did the red carpet and I actually kind of enjoyed this as a gown that looks like a Vera Bradley purse pattern/a nod to Mary Poppins. And I did notice that her skin — face and neck/cleavage — looked remarkably young. Well done, Bette!

Erica: Her cleavage looks barely legal. Well done, Bette Midler’s bra!

 

Brie Larson

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Kate: This is quite edgy for her and I think I like it. Dress and hair.

Erica: I feel like her nipples are chafing against that dress.

Kate: Oh, ew/ow. The more I look at it the more I like it.

 

Charlize Theron

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Kate: Oh wow, I don’t think I’ve ever disliked something on her as much as I dislike this.

Erica: It feels like it’s ushering in some sort of new phase in her life. I don’t like it but it’s got a good color, it’s well made, and I guess she wants to signal something about her future.

Kate: I also do not like her hair color or style, and I am convinced she has worn that necklace before. I’m not sure why that’s a bad thing but I feel like it is.

Erica: Well, the necklace does not look right with the neckline of the dress, I will say that.

 

Constance Wu

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Kate: Oh darn, I don’t like this as much as her SAGs or Globes dresses. Sad.

Erica: Oh, but I still like it. It’s lovely and light. I like her hair. I don’t love the asymmetrical sleeves. Which is not to say I don’t like the concept of asymmetrical sleeves. But these look sort of indecisive and unfinished, like they never could really commit to being asymmetrical.

Kate: It is the same yellow as Rachel Brosnahan’s Globes dress, though, so I guess that’s a thing.

Erica: It certainly seems to be. Now, as I was flipping through images to use in this post, I came across her Vanity Fair party outfit. And. Like. Damn, girl. Why you no just wear this?

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Kate: Oh yea that is FIERCE.

Erica: There was probably a memo about no one but Glenn Close being allowed to wear caped gold on the red carpet.

Kate: Or maybe Meryl Streep also.

 

Emilia Clarke

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Kate: This is pretty but not doing much for me. I don’t like her hair like that.

Erica: She is so much tinier than I ever remember she is.

Kate: I just think she is her best self when she is dressed as Khaleesi, and during the pre-show Ryan Seacrest of course asked her about the final episode and she said people would be shocked and I just don’t know if I can handle it.

Erica: I feel like her tininess doesn’t really work when she’s not in her Khaleesi garb. She looks insubstantial. The dress is okay. Not my thing. Nice color, but not great on her.

Kate: And then Jason Momoa posted pictures of them together at the show and I got sad all over again about Kahl (or as I like to say, Carl) Drogo.

 

Emma Stone

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Kate: She looks like a burnt orange alien.

Erica: I think I’ve lost my expectation that I will like what she’s wearing. So, I didn’t, but I don’t really mind that I didn’t.

Kate: In Anthony Marantino voice: HATES IT!

 

Gemma Chan

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Kate: Wow. On principle I think it’s an absurd item of clothing, but she looks lovely and daring and high fashion and couture and interesting. She is very statuesque.

Erica: I received a message about her before I even started watching. The thing is, she’s gorgeous. She looks amazing tonight. Her dress…I do not like her dress. But it doesn’t matter because it’s on her.

Kate: People were comparing her to Audrey Hepburn and while that usually infuriates me I kind of see it here.

 

Glenn Close

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Kate: I think this is pretty standard for her. I like the gold (of course), but I think it’s a bit much material-wise, kind of like wrapping paper. But it doesn’t look bad.

Erica: I just hate the pocket flaps. Everything else looks great, and then those pocket flaps are just — what are they even doing there?

 

Helen Mirren

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Kate: This is very regal and she looks more like a member of the British family than a celebrity on a red carpet but I don’t mind that one bit.

Erica: I like the way the dress is like, layers of translucent similar colors. It looks vibrant and lively and it has depth. I’m a fan.

 

Jennifer Hudson

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Kate: Gorgeous. The length(s) is/are a bit odd, but she looks phenomenal.

Erica: It’s just done so well. It’s a little ‘80s for my taste but the dress is a flawless piece of craft and she looks terrific.

Kate: I understand what her performance dress is doing but I don’t like it one bit.

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Erica: I appreciate what it’s doing, but I’d have made some different decisions to make it do that thing. Like, just have a full skirt. Why the cropped pants? And how do you create a glamorous-but-sort-of-like-a-judge look for the song from the movie about Ruth Bader Ginsburg without including some reference to her iconic dissent collar?

 

Jennifer Lopez

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Kate: Quite literally a showstopper.

Erica: As is her intention. What is she doing here this year? (I’m not being snarky; I honestly don’t know. She wasn’t in The Incredibles 2, so…)

Kate: I think she just goes to everything now because people want to see her gorgeousness. The dress is a little much on the sparkle to be honest but she of course pulls it off and her insanely gorgeous hair and makeup are, as usual, insanely gorgeous.

Erica: Yeah, it’s too much for normal people. For her it makes sense.

 

Julia Roberts

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Kate: Once. Again. Head. To. Toe. Per. Fec. Tion. I can’t even.

Erica: I gotta say, yeah. She looks stunning.

Kate: Best Dressed nominee!

Erica: I like how she looks gorgeous and sexy but also pretty comfortable and chill. This dress is everything and I want one in every color.

Kate: I LOVE HER SO MUCH.

 

Lady Gaga

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Kate: I expected more from the Gags. She’s been doing this exact same kind of look for so long.

Erica: I feel like that necklace is going to be the subject of Ocean’s 9.

Kate: Is there an Ocean’s 9? I like her performance dress so much better, and it is so similar to this one that I really don’t understand (even more so than usual) the purpose of wearing 2 different ones, ESPECIALLY since her and Bradley went on stage, like, FROM their seats in the audience???

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Erica: Yes. Cosign to all this. Why?

 

Laura Dern

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Erica: She looks very lovely and normal and fine. Fine is really good for her.

Kate: I love the Jennifer Aniston hair vibes she’s giving me, and I love the necklace, and I actually think the color of the gown is interesting, however the style reminds me of something Cinderella’s stepsisters wore.

 

Leslie Bibb

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Kate: Ah, feel like I haven’t said this in a while, but…Dress color too close to skin color! Too close!

Erica: So I don’t have your problem with dresses that are close to the skin color in general, but damn she’s pale. No one’s skin should be the same color as this dress. Leslie, you need your vitamin D. Get some sun. Just a little. (I’m probably going to find out tomorrow that she, like, battled skin cancer or something and I’ll feel really bad.)

Kate: Other than that, the dress is very pretty. I hate the necklace with it, though, and her hair is too severe.

Erica: I don’t mind the necklace; it’s very flapper. I think her hair is also too dark, which highlights how very pale she is.

 

Maya Rudolph

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Kate: I’m gonna go ahead and give this a Worst Dressed nominee right away.

Erica: I would if I didn’t think she was, like, courting that.

 

Melissa McCarthy

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Kate: So I like that she is continuing to depart from her usual frumpy frock, but I think the cape with the long sleeves is a bit too much material and it’s doing weird things to her boobs.

Erica: I think this is conceptually really good but executed really boringly. And, yes, making her boobs look very blah. But I guess she needed something she could throw her presenting gear over.

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Kate: I also really, really do not like the hairstyle at all.

Erica: It’s a little 1993.

 

Michelle Yeoh

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Kate: Now that’s an Oscars dress! (It looked even more impressive during the telecast than in this photo, just FYI.)

Erica: To. Die. Just…What you dream of wearing when you think “I’m gonna be an actress when I grow up!”. It’s Elie Saab, who came to everyone’s attention with Halle Berry’s dress when she won, and he just designs these fantasy gowns. Love it.

Kate: Yes I think I love it as well.

Erica: Hair would look blah on a younger woman, but on her it’s showing off. And her bracelet is really cool and interesting and glam.

Kate: And I love how she made sure to show off the bracelet every possible second she was on stage presenting.

 

Octavia Spencer

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Kate: I feel like this is what she always wears so I’m a bit bored by it. But she does look pretty.

Erica: New color for her. I approve the color.

Kate: Is it? I thought she always wore some form of navy or black or maybe even gray.

 

Queen Latifah

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Erica: She is so very delightful but I don’t love the dress. It kind of makes her look pregnant. Which is not the main thing I don’t like about it, but it’s kind of true.

Kate: Ian pointed out that it kind of looks like electrical tape and I have to agree.

 

Rachel Weisz

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Erica: I also received a message before I started watching about her. My messager was not a fan. Neither am I.

Kate: I didn’t see her on the red carpet and was absolutely horrified when they showed her in her seat in this red rubber monstrosity.

Erica: By the by, this same messager was a fan of Jason Momoa’s pink velvet suit. While I appreciate that the men are doing some different things, and I like that shade on him, I don’t love the suit. But he still looks a lot like Jason Momoa.

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Kate: Carl Drogo!

 

Regina King

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Kate: Oh this is gorgeous. I thought it was a pale pink color at first, but I also like it in white.

Erica: She looks absolutely perfect. I love the dress. It is very classically Hollywood glam, executed perfectly, and she looks just perfect.

Kate: I do think the slit is a bit high, but it doesn’t bother me on her the way it did on Angelina Jolie.

Erica: I think the slit is daring and perfect.

Kate: Hair and makeup and jewelry also perfect, just maybe would have done a different shoe, but…Best Dressed Nominee!

Erica: No argument here.

 

Sarah Paulson

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Kate: Ok so I am sensing a theme tonight of pink poofy pinkness/poofy pink poofiness, and I am not the biggest fan of it.

Erica: This is a particularly bad iteration of it. I don’t even understand what’s supposed to be happening here. What is the goal of this dress? What does it want to evoke? Whatever it is, it does not.

Kate: When she presented I saw the interesting little straps around the waist and thought ok maybe this is kind of cool, but it just feels more runway than red carpet to me.

Erica: I wouldn’t like it on the runway, either. I object to it in its entirety.

 

Serena Williams

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Erica: She looks stunning but the dress feels a little like it pulled its punches. It could have been more of a Look, but it chose to be a dress.

Kate: It feels very tacky Valentine-y.

Erica: Yeah. Whereas it could have gone in the direction of, like, Queen of Hearts and it would have been more interesting.

 

Tina Fey

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Kate: Oh yay Tina! Gorgeous! Love! People are going to think this is boring but I absolutely love it.

Erica: It is a little boring but also gorgeous. I saw her standing with Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph and kind of wondered if she didn’t get the “don’t do the typical red carpet thing” memo. (Also, why didn’t they ask the three of them to host?)

Kate: I thought it was honestly fine and moved a little quicker without a host.

Erica: I don’t know; I felt it lost a little something. But it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to continue to do this without one.

Kate: What a color on her, seriously. Love!!

Erica: Yes, that color is perfection on her.

 

Kate: Allora (“well” in Italian), Best Dressed?

Erica: I am going to dream of Michelle Yeoh’s ensemble for a long time. But I would accept Julia Roberts if you are leaning in that direction. Or Regina King.

Kate: Tie between Julia Roberts and Regina King AND Michelle Yeoh! Worst?

Erica: Man, I am tied between Sarah Paulson and Rachel Weisz. Did we already give one to Rachel Weisz this season?

Kate: Yes, but not our fault she’s a repeat offender! Rachel Weisz it is. And that does it for us for 2019 award show season, folks! Until next time.

 

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Grammys 2019

Well, people, this is late and it’s really all your fault. Absent my darling sister, I wanted to include you; I thought we could have a good time together. But I guess not. So here I will be, trying to figure out who at the Grammys I should give a damn about.

Cardi B

 

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I have, in fact, heard of this person, and know that she is a BFD! I could not hum for you a lick of her work, nor quote a single lyric, but I know she is important.

As is this ensemble! I’d say we are witnessing a moment here. This dress will be mentioned in the same breath as J.Lo’s bathrobe, as Bjork’s swan, as that time Sharon Stone paired a poofy skirt with a tee shirt from the Gap. And I love it. I think it is the most fabulous and she’s wearing the hell out of it.

Now, she did change by the time she accepted her award for reasons that I’m sure make sense to somebody, and her award-accepting ensemble is also quite nice, but it is not the Moment that her red carpets ensemble is.

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Lady Gaga

 

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I know her, too! I can even sing some of her hit songs! I especially love singing “Bad Romance” in the voice that Zoe used to sing it when she was two! Zoe also enjoys me doing this, which is fun and probably won’t last long.

I cannot sing any part of the song(s?) for which she was actually nominated last night. And I’m not seeing the movie. I don’t sign myself up for entertainment experiences that are going to make me cry. Unless they’re made by Pixar. But anyway, on to the outfit, which is glam but a little boring for her and I don’t love the super dark roots with the super light blonde hair but also she apparently gave a fabulous acceptance speech about mental health so good on her.

 

Janelle Monae

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You know, normally I really embrace her weird, but I’m not loving this. I think the problem is that I don’t get it. It’s still well-executed. I think it just doesn’t call to my mind a fantasy that engages me. I think it’s sort of supposed to evoke Grace Jones and the eighties, and that aesthetic is not my preferred aesthetic.

I think I enjoyed her performance ensemble more, although it was less weird.

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Kacey Musgraves

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I get the feeling that if I were paying any attention at all, I would enjoy Kacey Musgraves’s music. But also, I thought I knew who she was, but this is not at all the face I thought she had? Nor the age I thought she was? And the dress looks like it’s going to expose her bosoms any second now. Which might be a more appealing look if it had, say, the coyness of a Gil Elvgren pin-up, but because the waist is placed too low, and the overall color has that sort of dishwasher dinge about it, it just looks like your aunt got drunk and developed a plan to seduce the UPS delivery guy.

 

Chloe x Halle

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I don’t know who these two are but they look adorable.

 

Bebe Rexha

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I think she is more impressed with this dress than I am. Yes, there is a lot of floof, but otherwise it’s not that creative or different or interesting, which is fine, but she kept posing like this, which makes me think she thinks she’s having a fashion Moment, which she is not.

 

Camila Cabello

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I do not really like the arrivals dress, primarily because it is not my thing, although it is a good example of the kind of thing it is and her ass, as she clearly realizes, looks fantastic.

I do really love the performance look.

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Taylor Swift

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Oh, Taylor. This is your “I’m a bad girl now not a good girl like I used to be but a bad girl because all these people have been so mean to me so I am THROUGH being a good girl I’m going to wear a slutty black dress that looks like it’s maybe see-through AND YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING TO STOP ME I dug my own grave mothafuckahs and I killed good girl Taylor and now I’m bad girl Taylor I hope you got the memo” look, isn’t it?

You’re going to be thirty this year, honey. You are too old for teenage rebellion. Calm down.

I mean, you look good, although in some pictures it looks like the person who did your lipstick was really, really trying hard to remember what human lips look like. But also, don’t be a child, okay?

 

Katy Perry

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Katy Perry looks like cotton candy as designed by Dr. Seuss, which I’m sure was what she was going for, so good job, Katy Perry.

 

Toni Braxton

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Is that seriously what Toni Braxton looks like right now? I mean, yes, the face has clearly had some assistance in continuing to look like that, but seriously? Damn, girl. Continue walking that fine, nearly naked self around town like you don’t have to give a fuck because you look good.

 

Heidi Klum

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This is a return to whackadoo form for Heidi, who has been stunningly normal of late. But it is well-executed whackadoo, and she still looks like Heidi Fucking Klum, so that’s a plus.

(Have y’all noticed that when Kate’s not around, I curse a lot more? I’m sure she has.)

 

Anna Kendrick

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This is a massive departure for Anna Kendrick and I’m not sure I’m in favor of it, although she wears it well. The dress accomplishes what it sets out to accomplish and her hair and make up and jewelry are understated enough but also in keeping with the overall look. I just don’t really like it.

 

Ella Mai

 

grammys 19 ella mai.jpgI don’t know who this is and I don’t know if she’s pregnant or what but I really kind of love the dress, how she wore it, and how confident she looks in it.

 

Jennifer Lopez

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Is the hat some indication that she’s going to start thinking she’s British, like Madonna did for a little while? I don’t know. I like hats but I don’t know that this hat makes sense with this dress, which does look very nice on her, and her makeup is on point. But I just don’t know.

So that’s it, people. That’s all you get. You wouldn’t help me, so I just went with people I recognized and/or had interesting outfits. For the record, Cardi B was obviously the best-dressed person ever, for the whole season, and possibly for the whole decade. Of the people I covered, I liked Kacey Musgraves’s outfit the least.