Hello, You’re a Mom

And now We’re really going to do a number.

But let’s start before you’ve even gotten pregnant. Let’s start by asking why you haven’t yet. Don’t you know that 16/23/27/35/42 is the ideal biological age/ideal time in your life/last possible chance to have children and you’re running out of time? What are you, selfish or immature or something? Don’t you want someone to take care of you in your old age? Don’t you want to make a meaningful contribution to society? Don’t you want to give your parents grandchildren already? Grandchildren are the great joy of old age; how dare you think of denying your parents the pleasure. Getting grandchildren was the only reason they had you, you know. And babies are so cute! How can you think babies aren’t cute?! What kind of heartless bitch are you?

Oh, you’re pregnant? That’s kind of selfish of you. Don’t you know the planet is overpopulated? Why do you think any more of our dwindling resources should go to your selfish need to reproduce yourself? At the very least, you could have adopted some poor, starving child from some poor, starving country instead. (Multiply the force of this argument by a billion if you *gasp* used any fertility assistance to get pregnant.) Also, We don’t think you really deserve your job anymore. Obviously if you’re going to selfishly put your own kids first, ahead of your company, then you’re not really the kind of girl they hire/promote/respect at all. You’re probably going to be busy doing all kinds of stupid mommy things now. Like puking. Or breastfeeding. Or picking up sick kids from school. Obviously you can no longer be productive in the workplace. It’s not sexism; it’s just true.

(We won’t even address those of you who are pregnant and don’t want to be. It’s your own fault for being such a dirty slut. Next time you shouldn’t have sex/shouldn’t wear such a short skirt around your mother’s boyfriend/should have learned how to use a condom/should never have heard of condoms because that’s what made you have sex in the first place. Whore. We hope you’re not thinking of murdering your unborn child. Or expecting Us to do anything to help take care of your bastard once it’s born. And don’t try to tell Us you did use a condom. Don’t try to tell Us you were raped. Don’t try to tell Us your own health is at risk. Don’t try to tell Us you ARE married, to the father of this child, and you already have children, and you just can’t afford, physically or financially, to have another one. We don’t believe you. Or give a shit.)

We hope that’s not a cigarette or a drink in your hand. Or a coffee. Or a roast beef sandwich. Or sushi. Or brie. We hope you’re not even standing in a place where others might be smoking or drinking or eating roast beef sandwiches. It could hurt your baby. We hope you’re getting enough folic acid. We hope you’re not gaining too much weight; being pregnant is no excuse to become a big fat pig. We hope you’re eating enough; wanting to stay skinny through a pregnancy is so shallow and superficial and selfish of you. Don’t you care at all about your baby’s well-being? We hope you’re getting enough rest. We hope you’re not sleeping all the time; being pregnant is no excuse for being a lazy, useless human being.

We hope you’re not thinking of using drugs during labor. That’s unnatural. Hundreds of millions of women across history and also in Sweden don’t use drugs; are you too weak and spoiled to do what they did? We hope you’re not thinking of going without the epidural. What are you, some kind of retrograde hippie? Modern science has produced an epidural; why wouldn’t you use it? We certainly hope you’re not thinking of just scheduling a C-section. Selfish, spoiled, careerist woman. Probably an unfit mother. A C-section is frequently the only safe way to deliver your baby and anyway it makes it much easier on the doctor and your baby won’t have that weird head for the first few days. Why are you willing to sacrifice the life/health/beauty of your baby? Why do think the doctor has nothing to do but stand around waiting for you to just “decide” to give birth?

And now you have your wonderful, perfect, beautiful baby! Congratulations. Now, don’t worry if you don’t feel that rush of maternal warmth and love in the first seconds after pushing the kid out of your vagina/being opened up on the operating table. That’s normal. It’ll destroy forever the bond that is the only way for your child to grow up emotionally healthy. But don’t stress yourself if it doesn’t happen. Your child can always develop a strong attachment to something else. Like a blankie. Or marijuana.

What do you mean, you’re not breast-feeding? Don’t you know it’s the most super awesome thing that you could do with your life? Don’t you know that if you don’t breastfeed, your child will be stupid and fat and malnourished and also not bond with you? But . . . keep your breasts hidden, okay? No one wants to see those enormous udders in public. It’s disgusting. They’re not even sexy anymore, and We’ve already been over this in your Girl Training – if you’re not sexy, you should just agree to be invisible. And don’t let your baby cry in public either, even if you’ve been stuck on the runway in a crowded airplane for four hours and they won’t turn the air conditioning on and it’s July. Your baby’s cries are annoying. We feel that there would not be any babies crying, especially not in public, if you would just do your goddamn job as a parent, which is, prevent that baby from annoying us. Or stay home. God. There’s not thing worse than crying babies in public. We don’t even hate fat people as much as we hate your baby crying. We don’t even hate your boobs as much as we hate your baby crying, although seriously, if exposing your boob is what it takes to keep your baby from crying, you should just stay home. For the entire year that breastfeeding is absolutely necessary for the well-being of your child. Not that you should breastfeed. It’s the 21st century for crying out loud. Haven’t you ever heard of formula, you hippie?

You’re staying home with your child? What is this, 1952? You just expect your husband to foot the bills for everything? That makes you, like, a hooker, right? Because someone else is paying for your living, and you have sex with him (well, not so much now that you have a kid, but sometimes), so that makes you a hooker. Plus what kind of example are you setting for your child? Especially if she’s a girl? You’re not giving her a role model if you don’t work outside the home. And now you’ve left yourself really vulnerable. What if your husband leaves you for a younger, sexier woman, which, let’s face it, he’s going to, because being a stay-at-home mommy has made you decidedly unsexy plus you were probably one of those women who let him be there when you gave birth and do you really think that you can just expect him to want to bone you after that? And what if your husband is injured or gets sick or is in some other way incapacitated? What kind of gold-digging bitch are you to put all the earning money responsibilities on his shoulders? Plus being a housewife makes you kind of boring. A non-entity. No one will talk to you at cocktail parties because you couldn’t possibly have anything interesting to say; you’ll just want to go on about diapers and poop.

Not that you can go to cocktail parties. Because that would require hiring a babysitter, and everyone knows that all people who choose to work with children are probably child molesters, so you can’t possibly trust anyone else to ever have contact with your child. That’s why you’ll have to stay home and not work. Plus, a child’s own mother is really the only proper provider of care for that child. (Not the father. Don’t be ridiculous.) If you don’t stay home, your child will feel neglected and will not bond to you properly. But, again, no problem. If you need to be a selfish, careerist, feminist bitch, then there’s always the marijuana.

Co-sleeping is bad. So is the cry-it-out method. Spanking is bad, time-outs are bad, not disciplining your kids is bad. Princesses are bad and so are tomboys. Home-schooling is for hyper-Christian weirdos and hippies. Public schools are a disgrace; We can’t believe you’d think of sending your child there. Private schools are great if you’re a rich elitist snob who doesn’t mind your kid growing up completely in this sheltered bubble and being super-entitled and also drinking and taking drugs and having sex by the time they’re ten.

Your child should be in after-school athletics so that s/he doesn’t end up fat. Your child should be in after-school music lessons; they develop the mind in all the important ways, like the ability to do math. Your child should be in after-school dancing, drama, or art, to get a leg up on the competition. Your child should be in after-school community programming, like Scouts or some volunteer organization, so they grow up with strong ethics and morals. Hey, your kid is way over-scheduled! S/he’s going to have the same stress level as a 45-year-old CEO! Let them run outside and play, for God’s sake! They’re kids! Not alone though. Kids should never be alone outside, you don’t know what kind of random freaks are out there. Homicidal pedophiles are not the exception, they are the NORM. They are your NEIGHBOR! And home? Your kid shouldn’t stay home alone until he’s nine. No, eleven. No, fourteen. No, fifteen. No, not even for an hour. S/he could choke! What do you mean, your kid needs after-school care when s/he’s in high school?! You’re hovering! You’re going to make your kid needy and depressed and unable to cope with the adult world!

Talking to your children about sex is bad – they’re going to be sluts! Not talking to your kids about sex is bad – they’re going to be repressed! Whatever you just said to your child about sex is bad. Now you’ve fucked them up forever.

If your child ever does any of the following: yelling in public, hitting anyone ever, having sex as a teenager and getting caught, experimenting with drugs, getting arrested, being dressed awkwardly, not getting into Harvard, being fat – that’s clear evidence that you were a lousy parent and whatever methods you thought were going to work didn’t. If anything tragic ever happens, like if your child gets hit by a car or something, that’s also clear evidence that you are a lousy parent and you might even get arrested for child endangerment or similar. But if your child is absolutely perfect in public – dressed nicely, addressing everyone as “Sir” and “Ma’am,” performing Rachmaninoff in professional venues by age 11 – that’s a clear sign you’ve been an evil mother who beats your children with coat hangers when they don’t perform to your standards. You crazed bitch.

Also, there’s spit-up on your blouse. Ew.